Playing Pretend

by Bester, Tamsyn

  Caleb was pushing a stroller down 5th Avenue, and Natalia was hanging on his arm. They were smiling. A perfect little family.

  That was the part that gutted me the most.

  I deleted the alert, and followed it up with a text to Aaliyah letting her know I’d be taking the apartment, and that I’d be back on Tuesday. The door to the flower shop opened, and my Mother stuck her head out.

  “Are you ready to grab lunch, sweetheart?”

  I shut my phone off, and gave her the brightest smile I could. “So ready.”

  And I wasn’t just talking about the food.

  I GOT BACK TO the city on Tuesday morning, and to my surprise, I found Alfie waiting for me. He took me straight to the Puck Building, and when we arrived, I asked the doorman, Paul, to let Caleb know I was downstairs. I’d left my key to his place behind when I left, knowing I was no longer going to need it. My body was fraught with nervous energy, but after spending a few days with my mother, and seeing the photographs of Caleb and Natalia with Braelynn, I was ready to move on. It still hurt, and I still loved Caleb, but my mother made me see that I deserved better than allowing myself to be a doormat. I couldn’t regret wanting to help Caleb though. I’d seen a different side of him, a side that made this so much harder.

  Caleb buzzed me up, and I spent the entire ride up to his penthouse giving myself a pep talk. It didn’t help, because as soon as I saw Caleb, everything I’d said to myself was declared null and void. He was leaning against the wall in his pajama bottoms, and nothing else. His broad chest covered in ink was on full display, and I cursed him for not wearing a damn shirt. Didn’t he realize this was hard enough as is, without him looking like that?

  He looked up, and the first thing I noticed were the bags under his eyes. It looked like he hadn’t slept in days.

  That made two of us.

  “Hi,” I greeted lamely. “Did I wake you?”

  He pushed away from the wall but didn’t come any closer. “No. I haven’t been to bed yet.”

  Just then I heard Natalia calling Caleb, and it was a bucket of ice water to the face. Unlike my relationship with Caleb, this was real, and it was happening. He frowned, and cleared his throat. “It’s not what you think, Kadence. Braelynn hasn’t been sleeping well.”

  “I didn’t think anything,” I lied. He didn’t need to know that the thought of him with Natalia made me want to rip her hair extensions out and strangling her with them. “Is Braelynn okay?”

  Caleb shook his head. “She missed you.”

  Oh God.

  He pulled that card and it only intensified the pain already slicing through every part of me.

  Breath in.

  Breathe out.

  Pack your stuff.

  Leave.

  Four steps. Four easy steps. I just had to tick them off, and this would all be over.

  I inhaled deeply, aware that Caleb was watching me with a severity that made it difficult to concentrate on the task at hand. But I forged ahead, because I had to.

  “Do you have a box I can borrow? I need to get my things.”

  Caleb hesitated, but gave me a brisk nod. I followed him to the living room, but went no further. When he came back, he handed me the box.

  “I won’t be long,” I told him. I moved to walk past him, but froze when Natalia walked down the hallway. She was wet, and wrapped in a towel.

  “I was waiting for you,” she cooed, looking straight at Caleb. “Oh hi Kadence. I didn’t know you were coming today.”

  I hated her.

  I diverted my gaze, reminding myself that the faster I packed up, the faster I could leave.

  “Excuse me.” I looked away from them, and went to the guest bedroom. I stuck my belongings in the box, leaving all the clothes Caleb bought me in the closet. Seeing him at the office every day would be torturous enough, I didn’t need another reminder. I checked the drawers, cleaned out my toiletries, and left before I could overthink everything. I snuck into the nursery, careful not to make a noise, and said goodbye to Braelynn. She was restless, her tiny forehead furrowed – she looked just like Caleb then.

  Leaning in close, I took her tiny hand in mine, and whispered to her, hoping that someday she would remember what I’d said.

  “Take care of your daddy,” I sniffled. “And don’t ever forget how much I love you sweet baby girl.”

  I kissed the crown of her head, and savored her scent, admitting it to memory. I was going to miss her, and watching her grow and change as the days and weeks went by. With one last image of her in my head, I let go, and as soon as I turned my back, she started crying.

  I squeezed my eyes, and shook my head as if to tell myself I couldn’t go to her. I wanted to, every fiber of my being felt drawn to her. Natalia came rushing to the nursery, her face drawn into a scowl.

  “What did you do to her?” she snapped. She picked Braelynn up with too much force, startling her. She screamed louder. Natalia tried to pacify her, but it was very clear she had no idea how to comfort her own child. That angered me. It wasn’t fair.

  I wanted to say something to Natalia, lash out in anger and tell her that she didn’t deserve Caleb and Braelynn after walking out on them, but it wasn’t my place, and I didn’t think she had the ability to understand where I was coming from. She was a selfish bitch, incapable of thinking about anyone but herself, and any words of anger would have been wasted.

  I turned around, and went back to the living room with my belongings in my arms. Caleb reached for my things, but I refused his help.

  “Aaliyah told me you found a place,” he said.

  “Of course she did,” I muttered. I’d asked Liy to help me find an apartment while I was away, and felt relieved when she called to say she’d found a place. It was in SoHo, and when I heard what the rent would be every month, I couldn’t believe my luck. I could actually afford it, and still be able to save some money every month. It was a win-win. At least that’s what I told myself.

  “Do you need any help settling in?”

  Not from you.

  Caleb was stalling.

  “I don’t have much,” I replied. “But thank you. And thank you for taking me in when I needed it.”

  The air around us filled with an ice-cold silence that chilled me to the bone. When I was sure I had nothing left to say I headed towards the elevator. Caleb followed me, and stopped me by wrapping his hand around my arm.

  “Kadence, I -”

  “Don’t.” I looked at him. The anguish on his face matched my own, but it wasn’t enough to make me stay. “Please. I feel humiliated enough as it is.”

  “I’m sorry,” he breathed, letting go of my arm.

  “Me too,” I replied. “I’m sorry that I thought whatever we had could be real, and I’m sorry that I believed you’d changed. Not even our first date was real, Caleb, and the only fool in this situation was me.”

  “Our first date was real,” he argued.

  Once again I was made to look like the idiot.

  “Photographs don’t lie.”

  Caleb looked confused.

  “No one else knew about that date,” I continued. “So it’s not hard to assume that it was you who had them taken. That tells me it was all for show.”

  I waited for Caleb to deny it, to tell me I was wrong. He never did.

  “That’s what I thought.” The elevator opened, and I hesitated before stepping in.

  “I hope you find what you’re looking for,” I said quietly. “All I want is for you, and Braelynn to be happy, and I see now it’s not with me.”

  “We’re not over.” Caleb was adamant, his hands fisted at his side.

  “We are, Caleb. There are no happy-ever-after’s when you play pretend.”

  The doors shut before Caleb could say anything more, and I clutched the box in my arms like it was a lifeline. I held it all the way to my new apartment, and the moment I let go, I cried.

  FOR THE NEXT two days I did nothing but focus on work. I woke up, got dressed
, went to work, stayed late, and came home. It was monotonous, and boring, but I found that having the structure kept my mind from going back to Caleb, and everything that happened. I avoided him at work, and the only time we spoke was when we had a meeting about the success of the launch party. Caleb praised me, and I replied with the courteous “Thank you Mr. Callahan,” but couldn’t look at him. If I did, it would have been more than I was ready to take on.

  It was Thursday morning, and after another restless night, I was running on fumes. Macy was coming in today, so I walked to Macy’s in Herald Square during my lunch break and bought her a gift for her son. She was at the office when I got back, but when I stepped in front of her office door I hesitated. Voices – angry voices – came from the other side. From what I could tell Caleb was arguing with Macy and Aaliyah.

  I told myself to walk away, and that listening in on a conversation that had nothing to do with me was unethical and unprofessional. That was until I heard my name.

  “Caleb, you have to make things right with Kadence.” That was Macy.

  I pressed my ear closer to the door.

  “And tell Natalia to fuck off.” Aaliyah.

  “It’s not that simple.” Caleb. “Kadence walked out on me.”

  “Do you blame her?” asked Aaliyah. “She was gone for less than a day before she saw photos of you and Natalia out together playing happy family.”

  “I never touched Natalia, but she’s the mother of my child. I owe it to Braelynn to find a way to make it work.”

  “Does Natalia know the truth about Kadence?” asked Macy.

  My brows furrowed. The truth about me?

  “I don’t think so,” replied Caleb.

  “You realize that Natalia will use that information if she had it, right? She’s a manipulative bitch.”

  Aaliyah wasn’t wrong there, but what information were they talking about?

  “I suggest you tell Kadence the truth,” added Macy. “Before it’s too late.”

  “I can’t. I have reason to believe her father is coming tomorrow, and isn’t that why we came up with this plan in the first place?”

  My eyes widened.

  Had I heard that correctly?

  “That was before you fell in love with her,” stated Aaliyah. “Things have changed, Caleb, and if you don’t fix it, you’re going to lose Kadence forever. Do you want that?”

  It fell quiet, but I could hear my blood rushing in my eardrums.

  “What you doing over there?”

  I sucked in some air, and spun around. Annabelle was smiling at me.

  “Uh, nothing,” I moved back towards my desk. “I wanted to give Macy her gift, but she’s busy.”

  “I was also looking for Aaliyah,” said Annabelle. “We were supposed to go grab coffee.”

  “She’s with Caleb, and Macy.”

  “Oh,” Annebelle frowned. “That’s weird.”

  I fell silent, and then Annabelle’s face lit up even brighter. If that was possible.

  “Why don’t you come with me instead? Looks like you could use a friend.”

  I considered it, and after hearing Caleb, Aaliyah and Macy talking about me, the office was the last place I wanted to be.

  “Sure.” I grabbed my purse. “I’m buying.”

  Annabelle and I walked to Starbucks a few blocks away and got seats in front of the window overlooking the street. She was easy to be around, and carried the conversation with ease. I didn’t know her all that well, even though I considered her a friend, so when she told me her fiancé, Brian, had cheated on her two years earlier I didn’t know how to respond.

  After some awkward silence from my part, I asked, “Why are you telling me this?”

  Annabelle sighed, and fiddled with her already crumpled napkin. “Because I know how hard it is to sift through everything you’re feeling, and I wanted you to know that I’m here if you need to talk.”

  I was appreciative of her reaching out to me, but a little annoyed that my private life was not so private.

  That’s what sleeping with the boss gets you.

  I silenced the nasty, derisive voice in my head.

  “We just weren’t meant to be,” I exhaled.

  “You don’t believe that,” said Annabelle. “I have never seen two people more right for each other. And when you find that, you have to believe that it’s worth fighting for.”

  “Caleb would disagree.” My laugh was bitter, and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to behave like a scorned ex.

  “You know, it took me months to get over what Brian did to me, but I did, and I realized that it was worth it. Most women would leave if a guy cheated, and trust me, I was ready to kick his ass to the curb. I’m glad I didn’t.”

  Annabelle was trying to be a good friend, I could recognize and admire that. I had few people I could talk to, and even fewer who would bother to check up on me. But what she thought happened, and what really happened were worlds apart.

  “What made you stay?”

  I was curious to know.

  “I thought about what my life would be like without him, and when I couldn’t picture it, I decided to give him another chance. We started from scratch, and he hasn’t been unfaithful since. When he asked me to marry him, I knew it was the right time, and that for the rest of our lives he would love me, and only me.”

  “Everything with Caleb was a lie, Annabelle. You can’t have a relationship with someone based on something that wasn’t real.”

  “You may think it wasn’t real, but it was, and it is.”

  Annabelle really had no idea what she was talking about, but I didn’t want to burst her bubble by saying that. She was just trying to be a good friend.

  “I think I need to move on,” I told her honestly. “That’s what’s best for me right now.”

  It was Annabelle’s turn to look forlorn, like she’d failed. It was the exact opposite actually. She helped me see that some things just weren’t meant to be, and there was a greater sense of acceptance in that realization than I ever thought possible.

  “Just be sure, honey.” Annabelle squeezed my hand. “I think Caleb is afraid to tell you how he really feels, so it might be worth taking that first step.”

  Rather than argue, I gave my friend a genuine smile, grateful that she cared. “I just need time, time to take care of myself, and time to be on my own.”

  “I understand.” We stood up. “Brian and I are going to watch an old movie tonight in Bryant Park, you’re welcome to join us.”

  “Thanks for the offer, but I think I’d rather be alone, if that’s okay.”

  “Of course. Let me know if you change your mind, we’d be happy to have you.”

  I nodded, and we walked back to the office, falling into step with everyone around us. I was anxious about being back in the office, the last thing I needed was to pretend (some more) that I hadn’t heard Caleb, Aaliyah, and Macy talking, or that I was unaffected by what I heard. For the time being I figured it was better to leave it, and deal with it at a time when I wasn’t so emotionally volatile. I’d already given Caleb too much. He didn’t deserve more.

  YOU SHOULD HAVE known better.

  That’s what I told myself.

  When I chose not to question Caleb about the conversation I’d overheard, and when I was naïve enough to think I could just forget about the past two and a half months.

  And then it all blew up.

  Exploded.

  Within twenty-four hours my life took a turn for the worse, and all I could do was watch it fall apart.

  I should have known better.

  I ARRIVED HOME AFTER another busy day at the office, and made some dinner before settling on the sofa to catch up on the newest episode of Bones. The end credits had just started rolling when there was a loud knock at my door.

  I stared at it with knitted brows. The only person who knew where I’d moved to was Aaliyah, and I was hoping to keep it that way for a little longer.

  The knock came again,
and I started wondering if it was Caleb. The possibility of having him here gave me pause. I didn’t know how to be around him now, or if I would be comfortable having him in my personal space.

  So what if it’s him? I reasoned. You can behave professionally when it comes to your boss.

  Because that’s all he was now.

  My boss.

  Not my lover.

  And I was just his employee.

  Not his dirty little public secret.

  We were over.

  Simple.

  Right?

  I opened the door, and immediately wished I’d looked through the peephole. It wasn’t Caleb. Not even close.

  “Hi, Kadence.”

  I stared at my sister, and then looked at my ex-fiancé, Baxter, standing at her side.

  Was this a bad dream?

  It had to be. It just had to be.

  “W-what are you doing here?”

  I knew after having my ‘relationship’ with Caleb so publicized that my family would be able to find me, but I never expected them to show up.

  “Aren’t you going to let us in?” asked Katrina. She looked so much like our mother with her long, dark hair, slender body, and flawless face. I’d always envied that about her.

  Stunned speechless, I looked between the two of them, and when my eyes drifted further down, I noticed Katrina’s baby bump.

  No.

  No no no no.

  “We decided to come see you in person,” said Baxter, his accent thick with his English twang. Five years and he still looked like the pompous asshole I was engaged to.

  “Please, Kadence.” My sister was pleading. She never pleaded. For anything. She never had to. Everything had always come so easily to her.

  “I’d rather not,” I replied. “I have nothing to say to either of you.”

  I moved to shut the door, but Baxter stopped it with his hand.

  “I realize this is sudden,” he looked at Trina, and she gave him a nod of encouragement. “But if it weren’t important, we wouldn’t have flown half way across the world to tell you.”

  What the fuck? Was I in some kind of alternate universe? I knew the people standing in front of me, and they certainly weren’t the considerate type.