by K. M. Raya
In the blink of an eye, her mother lunged…
A scream tore from her throat—it was shrill, bouncing off the stone walls and reverberated around the room as she fell to her knees.
The memories hit her harder than ever before, probably because she was awake for them, rather than having one of her usual nightmares. Her throat felt raw, like she’d been screaming for hours, and her cheeks felt strangely wet. Was she crying? She couldn’t tell because the pain in her chest was so sharp and blocked out most other senses. The look in her mother’s eyes as she went for Blue’s throat was something she’d never be able to forget. The blackness there, the lack of a human soul…
“Shh, shh—it’s okay,” cooed a soft voice in her ear. She startled as a pair of warm arms wrapped around her shoulders. “You’re okay, baby…”
She realized she was sobbing now as the world came back into focus. Sounds finally reached her ears and it was like a dam was breaking. She hadn’t cried since that night, and almost forgot what it felt like. But she couldn’t stop the tears now. Logically she knew she was being hysterical. If anything should have set her off, it should have been returning to her childhood home. Hell, she’d stood in her old bedroom, facing down the bed it all happened in. She walked through the ballroom, stained with lingering remnants of carnage.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” the voice urged. “Are you hurt?”
She tried to shake her head, but tremors wracked her body. “I—” she tried to choke out, but it was hard to form words. “I shouldn’t have come back here—"
“What are you talking about, Blue, what happened; talk to me!” The arms tightened around her shoulders, and suddenly she was surrounded by a familiar scent. Her mind wanted to reject it, but she knew it was him.
Turning her face upwards, she met Dresden’s dark, smokey brown eyes and searched his face. He was watching her warily, but still hadn’t let go or backed away. “What are you doing here?”
He cracked a barely there smile, “I’ve been asking you the same thing for about five minutes.” His smile fell—serious once again. “Now, are you gonna tell me what that little freak out was all about, or do you need me to call a nurse.”
She scoffed, trying to play it all off but she couldn’t disguise the shakes still running through her body. Her head was spinning and it felt like she couldn’t quite get enough air. “Why the hell do you care?” she snapped. “All you ever do is glare at me, confuse me and walk away.”
His jaw tightened. “We’re not talking about me right now. I want to know what upset you. You either talk, or I’m going to go find your wolfy boyfriend and force him to get it out of you.” He raised an eyebrow in challenge. “Now, are you going to talk?”
Glaring at him clearly had no effect, so she just sighed deeply, shoulders losing their tension. She didn’t know how long they sat there on the floor, but he was still holding her. Two conflicting feelings warred inside of her. On one hand, she wanted to be as far away from Dresden as humanly possible because of the way he made her crazy, but on the other hand she craved to pull him closer and never let go again. For as fucking annoying as he tended to be, something about him made her feel safe and looked after. He always managed to be somewhere nearby when she needed help. Call it Stockholm Syndrome or whatever but being forced to spend time with him on a secluded campus where it was impossible to avoid him was doing a number on her heart.
Blue moved to sit up, but she felt his arms tighten around her again. He shot him a look, and he rolled his eyes, slowly lowering his arms and sitting back on his heels. “Sorry you had to see that.” She cringed. “I feel so fucking dumb.”
He snorted—a strange noise coming from him. “No offense, but the last time I bailed your ass out you were breaking and entering. And before that you were in a sewer covered in poop. I think this might actually be a step up for you.”
She couldn’t help but grin. He was right. “I never really thanked you for that, by the way…”
“No, you didn’t.”
Blue sat back against the base of a standing dummy. “You didn’t exactly give me a whole lot of chances, though.”
“Don’t pretend with me, Blue,” he said, shaking his head. “You know where to find me. If you had better places to be then that’s on you, not me.”
She rolled her eyes. “You’re impossible.”
“No, you just don’t like being called out on your shit.”
“You know what, I didn’t come here to be attacked—”
“No, you came here to have a breakdown… I’m still waiting for you to explain what the hell that was back there. I walked in and saw you on the floor shaking like a leaf. And the screaming… I’ve never heard someone scream like that.”
Something cold filled her chest. She hated the fact that he’d been the one to see her at her lowest… to see her so utterly vulnerable and broken. He already didn’t see her as much, and she was sure this only added to his dislike. His fingers on her chin made her go still. Raising her eyes to meet his, she was surprised to see softness there.
“Whatever you say won’t leave this room,” he promised. “You have no reason to trust me,” he paused and smirked. “I mean, I’ve saved your life on multiple occasions, but still, you have no obligation to tell me anything. But I’ll listen if you do.”
“Multiple occasions might be a stretch,” she murmured. “Why are you being nice to me?” she asked. It wasn’t that she was suspicious or concerned about him having ulterior motives; he wasn’t that sort of guy. She just didn’t understand what was going through his head half the time. Once moment he hated her and practically fled the room on sight, and the next he was asking her to spill her guts to him in secret.
“Don’t get used to it. This is a one time offer, and whether you take me up on it or not is completely up to you,” he said. She looked up, narrowing her eyes on his upturned lips. He was fucking with her. “I’m not out to get you, Blue. I promise. Now what the fuck is wrong?”
She was silent for a few long moments, contemplating how much she really felt like revealing. If it had been literally anyone else, she might not have been so hesitant, but he was personally mixed up in all this. She must have been quiet for too long, because Dresden sighed, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. He stared at her through the dark room, studying her face and making her want to fidget.
“Who taught you how to fight?” he asked out of nowhere.
“Well that was a subject change.”
He rolled his brown eyes. “I’m trying here, alright? Now answer the question.”
“My dad.”
“He did a good job.”
Blue raised her brows at the compliment. “Is that an accolade I hear?”
“Like I said, don’t get used to it.” He ran a hand through his long blonde hair. It was loose from his customary bun and the way it fell around his shoulders made him look softer somehow.
“When I was little, my dad used to take me and Harlow out to the old ruins on the other side of Eugene, you know the ones near the rock face that used to—”
“Belong to the Conclave…” he finished for her.
She nodded. “We were out there for hours after school almost every day unless dad was on a mission. He taught me everything I know…”
There was a slight frown on Dresden’s face, and she wondered if she should stop taking. He probably didn’t want to hear about the man who slaughtered his family and friends. “He sounds like a really good dad,” he whispered, surprising the shit out of her.
Emotion welled in her throat, but she choked it down. She’d done enough blubbering and she needed to reign it in and preserve a little bit of the dignity she’d lost that night. “He was the best dad.”
He made a noncommittal noise in his throat. “So, was he the one who told you it was okay to use silver whips?” Dresden asked, disapproval lacing his tone.
She squinted at him. “Just because you’re too chicken shit to use them doesn’t me
an we all are,” she teased. “But yeah, he gave me my first whip when I was practically a toddler. I knew they were dangerous, but dad told me all the greats had used them, so I wanted to use them too.”
Just thinking about those long conversations with her father made her heart hurt. It was like she could still hear his steady voice in her ear, teaching her all the things she didn’t know she needed for the near future. Thinking back, it was almost like he knew they would be without him someday.
Dresden was quiet for a few minutes, but the quiet wasn’t awkward this time, it was contemplative—comfortable even. “My uncle was the one who taught me,” he whispered. Blue’s breath stilled. She waited. “I’ve lived at Arcane practically my whole life. Since my mom became Headmistress before I was old enough to walk, it was decided that without my dad around, I needed a more stable environment.” His tone was bitter. He sounded resentful of his upbringing.
“I always envied you, you know…” he admitted, not meeting her eyes. He frowned down at his fingers as they twisted around each other.
“Why the hell would you envy someone like me? My life was hell, Dres.” The name just sort of slipped out, but he’d caught it. His lips tipped up.
“Because you were free.”
She frowned. “I’ve never been free. Not a single day in my almost twenty years.” She stared at him hard, willing him to understand that freedom came with a price. “You want to be free then run the fuck away, Dresden. You’re an adult and you have the power to make your own choices, but I didn’t.”
He tsked, “Hardly.”
“What—you think my life in the human world was a cake walk?” She scoffed. “I spent ten years feeling like an outsider. No friends… no family, cut off from my own species. It may have looked like freedom to you, but for me it was a prison.” She shook her head, black strands falling around her shoulders is messy waves. “I would have given anything to have the life you were given…”
She hadn’t realized, but Dresden was significantly closer to her spot on the floor when she looked back up at him. How had she missed that? He studied her face carefully, and she would have given anything to have even a glimpse inside his mind in that moment.
“I was picturing the last time I saw my mom,” she whispered. She barely heard his sharp intake of breath. He had a deep frown on his pretty face and his hand looked like it was trembling. He didn’t respond, so she just kept babbling. “That night… I can’t get her out of my head. She’s all I see when I close my eyes… every time I have a moment to myself, I replay those last few hours, wondering if there was anything I could have done to change it. It’s why I don’t sleep much, and spend most of my time wandering through graveyards.” She laughed darkly. It was more like a huff of air. “I know it’s stupid—”
“It’s not stupid,” Dresden snapped. There was more anger behind those words than she expected from him and it caused her to snap her mouth shut. “You’re not stupid for having nightmares. Anyone who went through the things you went through would have them. If you didn’t, I might wonder what was wrong with you.”
She smiled sadly. “I should have told you how sorry I was right away.” He looked away, but she kept going, knowing she needed to get it off her chest. “You lost someone you loved, and it’s my family’s fault…”
“But not yours,” he said with finality. Her eyes widened. Did he really just say that?
“What are you saying?” Her heart was racing.
The look he gave her wasn’t one of loathing or pity. He didn’t look at her like she was a monster. His chocolate colored eyes were soft for the first time ever. They were so hypnotizing that she didn’t realize he’d moved even closer. He was up on his knees in front of her, close enough for their breaths to mingle in the cold, dark room.
“I’m saying I can’t blame you anymore, Blue. You didn’t kill my uncle. You didn’t kill any of those Slayers that night and I’ve been a fucking jackass for blaming you all this time.” He fisted his hands at his side, but his arm kept moving like he was stopping himself from reaching out to her. “I treated you like shit because for years, you were the face of the Graves family that was tangible. You were the face in my mind when I remembered the night I saw my uncle ripped apart in front of me. For ten years I blamed you and Harlow because there was nobody left alive to blame…”
They were quiet after that, both content to let themselves sit and relax without expectation. They moved to the wall close to the tall window that overlooked the campus, sitting in the wide window sill. Dresden’s fingers toyed with hers almost absently as they talked about random things. She still had a hard time wrapping her head around how her night had gone.
It was a nice distraction though. She felt a weight leave her shoulders after having Cole crush her heart the way he did. She even found herself telling Dresden all about it, to which he just rolled his eyes and asked if she needed help kicking Cole’s ass. She’d pretended to think on it, but in the end just waved it away. She had to admit it was awkward discussing Cole and Jasper with him, but he didn’t seem to mind.
Eventually, the night wound down and Blue was starting to get tired. After her little breakdown, she felt drained of energy, in need of at least twelve straight hours of sleep. To her surprise, Dresden walked her all the way down to her dorm. He didn’t kiss her that night though. For some reason it just didn’t seem like the right move. But he caught her off guard as she moved to cross the threshold of her bedroom. His arms came around her body and held her tight as he moved his face into the spot between her neck and shoulder.
For a few long, wonderful moments, everything was still, and everything was perfect.
Chapter Twenty Two
The Third day of the Trials was coming to an end. Blue sat in the stands with Harlow, Ronnie and David, watching as several wolves below were running an obstacle course around the track.
Harlow was still staying at Arcane, even though she was all healed up now. In a way, Blue suspected the Conclave was feeling a little guilty about the whole situation, especially after Blue took the time to write and mail them a very strongly worded letter explaining the multiple ways they’d fucked up. She even thought about petitioning for Harlow to be accepted back into the academy, but she knew that would be impossible. Harlow was twenty-seven now. She should be on a Slayer team of her own. She hoped the Conclave would see reason eventually and give her sister that opportunity, the same opportunity they’d given Blue.
It was raining that evening, as per usual, but none of them seemed to mind. They’d been sitting out there for four hours now, and as exciting as the games were, she was starting to get tired and antsy. Ronnie and David chatted away about this and that, but by now Blue largely tuned it out. She seemed to have eyes for only one person at the moment.
On the field below, Cole stood with a few members of his pack and his Alpha, Gareth. They watched the field intently, making sure the pups were performing to the best of their ability. Cole looked good tonight, and it made her even angrier at him. Why the hell did she have to be so fucking attracted to him? Why couldn’t she just let him go? They hadn’t spoken since their argument the other day in the hallway outside Orozco’s class. Mostly that was her fault. She knew for a fact that the late-night knocks on her bedroom door had been Cole, but she’d ignored them all. Ronnie gave her a hard time about it every time, warning her that he wouldn’t give up just because she ignored him.
Cole must have sensed her eyes on him, because his shoulders tensed and he turned around to face the stands. His long russet hair was loose and hung in haves to his shoulders. He wore black tactical gear—standard issue uniform for a Guardian. He looked every bit a warrior and the tight black shirt that accentuated his thick biceps made her mouth water. His amber eyes met hers, though she had no idea how he’d singled her out so easily through the dense crowd.
She wanted to shrink into herself under that penetrating stare, but she couldn’t look away. His eyes looked impossibly sad, though she
was sure she’d be the only one able to identify that emotion. To others, he probably looked like he was glaring a hole into her forehead. Hell, maybe he was, and it was just wishful thinking on her part.
A part of her wanted to run to him and beg him to come back to her, but then she remembered that she was the one who walked away. Then the anger would return full force when she reminded herself of why that was. Speaking of why that was… The hairs on the back of her neck tingled. Looking off to the side and tearing her gaze from Cole, she couldn’t miss the glare Vanessa was sending her way. Blue, feeling petty, decided to fuck with her a little and winked cheekily. The girl’s eyes flared. Blue felt a glimmer of satisfaction, but it was still hollow. Cole watched the interaction with a frown before turning back to the field. Disappointment settled in her bones. She wished he would just take her side already.
She supposed she was being a little harsh on him, though. As bitchy and psychotic as Vanessa was, who was she to spit in the face of nearly fifteen years of friendship and pack bonds? Technically, he might even be justified in holding more loyalty towards his friend, rather than some chick he’s being forced to share with two other men.
Guilt flooded her. Was she being unreasonable? She liked to think she was the victim here, but it was hard to say for sure while her brain was so clouded with jealousy every time she saw Vanessa anywhere near Cole. Vanessa turned away and made her way to Cole. Laying a palm on his arm, she leaned over and said something in his ear. Blue might have been imagining it, but she could have sworn his shoulders stiffened when Vanessa touched him. Was he uncomfortable? She couldn’t tell from this far away, but maybe it was just wishful thinking again.
After the games that day, Blue stopped at the graveyard, squeezing in a few moments with her ancestors before trekking back to campus. She was spending more and more time among the dead, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop. She just felt comfortable there, knowing she was surrounded by family and those who never had to witness her fall. She knew they weren’t actually there with her, but that mausoleum had become somewhat of a second home as of late—however morbid that might sound.
