by Delisa Lynn
All I can think about is my beautiful Lila. I miss her so damn bad. Watching her break down the last time I left her nearly fucking killed me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for that girl, and seeing her cry makes my heart ache. I wish I’d thought things through; I should have just went to college with her. At least that way we wouldn’t have spent any time apart.
As I stare through this small, dirty window, I think about the time Lila and I spent together before she left for New York. It was the best summer I’ve ever had. She was so nervous the first few times we went out. To this day, I still don’t understand why she was so intimidated by me. Now, my cousin Ashton? He's someone to be intimidated by. He's kind of scary looking.
I’ve never dated anyone like her. Hell, who am I kidding? I’ve only had a few steady girlfriends, but nothing to brag about. Since the day I laid my eyes on Lila, I’ve thought only of her. It took a while to get where we are, but I’m glad things worked out the way they did. She realized that she loves me. The day she told me, I was on cloud fucking nine. She makes me feel better than I’ve ever felt before.
“We have to land. There is a storm coming through, and we can’t go any farther, so please be patient. Everything looks good; the landing should be smooth,” the pilot announces from above.
“Hey, Ellis, what are you over there thinking about? That smile is plastered across your face. It’s that pretty little blonde isn’t it?” Coy says, laughing.
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about my girl. Wishing we were together right now. You have a girl back home?” I ask, knowing he will say he has a few. Jeff Coy is a player. A big player. Last month, he was caught getting head from some girl. Hell, we don’t even know where he found her.
“Shit, I have more than a girl. I have several. The ladies love Jeffey.” He smirks.
“Dude, you're sick. I figured you would say that. Well, is there a special one?” I joke.
“Nope, they're all special.” He winks. “Oh, fuck. What the hell, I thought they said we were going to land?”
“I have no fucking clue what is going on, but the weather looks like it's getting worse. Oh…Goddamn,” I say as I feel the plane going upside down.
“Shit! This is God’s way of punishing me for being an ass,” Coy says.
“No, dude, I’m not sure what’s going on. I hope…Oh dear God.”
I hope we can get out before we crash. I hear the plane hit something, the cries. There are ten of us on the small plane.
“Jeff, dude, can you hear me?” I ask, trying to find him. It’s dark—I can’t see anything.
“Ellis, where are you man? Are you okay. Can you hear me? Is Coy with you?”
“I hear you, but I can’t see shit, sir. Coy isn’t answering me.”
“Okay, just stay calm; I’ll see what’s going on.”
“Yes, sir.”
Just as the words leave my mouth, I hear the explosion. Everything goes black, and I can’t feel my legs. I can’t hear anything. My thoughts go to Lila.
I see her beautiful face. Her long, blonde hair is in curls, cascading over her shoulders. Her eyes are as blue as the brightest sky. Her lips are glossed with her nude lip-gloss. I can smell her perfume and it’s the sweetest smell. I run to her, pulling her into my arms, holding her and inhaling her wonderful aroma.
“Sir, can you hear me? We're going to get help. Please just stay with us,” I hear an unfamiliar voice say.
“Lila, where's my Lila?”
“Sir, there’s been a crash.”
Chapter Seventeen
Lila
It's finally November, time for my Liam to come home. I haven’t heard anything from him for months. I hope and pray he’s okay. I still haven’t received any news on his mother. I’ve tried, but it's like no one knows this mysterious woman.
Evan drives me to the airport.
Before I go inside, he says, “Lila, I just want you to know that I love you very much. I know you're with Liam and I would never tell him anything. The night we slept together…I never meant to hurt or confuse you. I’ve wanted you so damn bad and I was hurting. I just got lost. When I’m with you, I feel like a different man. Liam is one lucky mother fucker.”
“And you know I love you too. I’m meant to be with Liam. It hurts me, knowing how much you love me.”
He leans over and kisses me, and I kiss him back. This is the first time we've kissed since the morning we left for Utah.
Oh my gosh, I’m in love with this man’s kisses. Especially the way he holds my head in his hands and kisses me with so much love.
“You be careful going back home and I’ll see you soon. I’m not going to tell Liam about us right now. I will eventually, but I can’t lose you.”
I wipe his tears, kiss him again, and go into the airport.
“Lila, wait…” Evan runs into the airport, grabs my head with both his hands and kisses me like there’s no tomorrow. When he’s finished, we're both breathless. I place my hand on my mouth as I cry inside and out for this wonderful man that I can't have.
I sit on the plane and cry. I know the lady next to me probably thinks I’m some emotional crazy woman. My mom picks me up from the airport. In spite of everything, I’m so happy to see her.
“Lila, we've missed you so much. Your father is working late, but he took the next week off so he could spend time with you kids. Eric and Addison will be there when we get home. When is Liam arriving?”
“I’m not sure. I haven’t heard from him.”
“I’m sure he’s okay and will be here soon.”
As we reach the house, I see my brother standing there. I jump out of the car and run to him. “Eric, I’ve missed you so much.”
“I missed you too, sis.”
“Where’s Addie?”
“She went to see her parents. They still haven’t heard from Liam.”
“Me either. I hope he’ll be here soon.”
I’ve been back home for three days and we still haven’t heard from Liam. Thanksgiving’s tomorrow. I’m getting worried.
In one of his letters, he mentioned a friend. I consider tracking him down, but I can't remember the guy's name.
My mother prepares Thanksgiving dinner. We all eat together. The next day, Addison and I go shopping. We decide to stay at the beach house just in case Liam shows up.
“Addie, I’m worried. What if something happened to him?”
“He’s fine. He’ll be here; don’t think like that.”
“How can I not? I haven’t talked to him in months, and I haven't even received a letter. I kept sending letters to that address but he never responded. Ads, let’s get drunk.”
I'm half way there anyway. I’ve already had two beers and a half bottle of wine.
“Um, L? I think you’re already there, my friend.”
“You’re such a bitch sometimes.”
“The best bitch you know and you love me for that reason.”
***
“Addison, how much did I drink last night? I feel like I was hit by a Mack truck!”
“I told you to slow down. Your brother carried you to bed.”
“Oh hell no…didn’t say anything stupid, did I?”
“Fuck if I know. I was wasted too. I remember you crying and that made me cry. I told Eric we were getting trashed. He laughed and sat here, playing that stupid video game all damn night.”
“All right, let’s go shopping,” I say.
We have fun like we always do. I buy Liam and Evan some gifts. I don’t tell Ads about Evan’s gifts, though.
We end up staying at the beach house all weekend. Monday comes and we still haven’t heard from Liam. Evan has texted me several times, but I haven't responded. It’s time for me to go back to New York—without Liam and without knowing where he is.
***
When I get back to the dorm, there are no letters from Liam. I feel really bad about avoiding Evan and not responding to him.
I finally call him. “Hey, I’m sorry I haven’t
called you back.”
“It’s cool. I understand Liam is home and you'll be spending all your time with him!”
“Can you come over please?”
“Sure, I’ll be there soon.”
As I sit there, waiting for Evan and wondering where my Liam is, I begin to cry. When Evan walks in, I’m already sobbing so hard I can’t explain. He just holds me. He doesn’t ask questions.
“It’s okay, my sweet Lila. Whatever it is, we'll get through it.”
Finally, I’m able to speak. “We don’t know where Liam is.”
“What do you mean?”
“He never showed up and no one has heard from him.”
“We’ll find him, I promise. I’ll help you.”
“Thanks Evan, that means a lot to me! Let’s go to the café. I’ve missed their bacon.”
“I thought you would never ask. I’ve missed you, pretty lady.”
He kisses my forehead. I love this man, though not as much as I love my Liam. How can I love two different men at the same time? I’m too young to have to go through this. Oh God, what did I ever do to deserve all this heartache I’m feeling? I did it to myself when I fell for both of them.
“Where is Brody today?”
“Did you know that Nikki had another boyfriend back home?”
“No,” I lie. I don't want to be involved in Nikki's problems. I have enough problems of my own.
“Brody went to surprise her and found out she’s seeing that Cam guy that visited her here.”
“Oh wow, I’ll have to call her.”
I love eating at the café. We sit here and laugh until I forget everything that's going on. Evan talks about his job and how his dad is doing since his mom passed away. He says the holiday was hard without his mother being there. I’m sure it was. I know it was hard for me without Liam.
I’m not ready for lunch to be over, but we decide to go back to Evan’s and watch a movie.
“Evan, can you just hold me? If you don’t want to, I understand.”
“I would love to hold you. I told you, anything you want, I’ll do it.”
We lie in his bed and snuggle. I fit perfectly in his arms. He kisses my head a couple times. He never tries anything else, but I want him to. I don’t want to be the one to make the move, though, so I just lie there.
I must’ve slept well, because I wake up to breakfast in bed.
“Good morning, pretty lady. I made eggs and pancakes.”
“No bacon?”
“Yes, love, I made you bacon.”
“Yay. You spoil me, Evan.”
“Did you sleep well?”
“I did. I think that’s the first time I slept that well in months. Thank you for everything. It means a lot.”
“Anything for you, Lila. Now shower, I have a surprise for you.”
“I need clothes. I didn’t bring any.”
“It’s okay. I have something you left from the last time you stayed over. They’re clean; I washed them.”
I shower and get ready, not sure where he’s taking me.
We drive for what seems like hours. We pull into a gas station, and I’m not sure where the hell we are.
“Where are we?”
“We're almost there.”
Finally, we arrive at a campground. Where the hell is he taking me, and what are we doing here?
“Lila, I wanted to bring you here to get away. I know you've been stressed lately and I figured this would be perfect. I heard it’s a nice place; it’s called Black Bear Campground.”
“I hope there aren’t any black bears! We’re in the middle of nowhere.”
He laughs. “That’s the point. We can just breathe out here, leave all of our worries in the car. Let’s have a day to live and not worry about anyone or anything.”
I’m still unsure about being in the middle of God only knows where. Evan prepared a lunch in a basket and brought blankets, pillows, and wine. As I watch him set everything up, I wonder what I'd be doing right now if I hadn't met him.
We lie on the blanket, talking about Evan’s job at the Harrington and Bissell law firm. He’s working as a paralegal. He hopes that after he gets his degree, Harrington and Bissell will hire him. I hope he does too; it would be a great opportunity for him. I know he’d be a damn good lawyer. Me, on the other hand…I don’t think I’m doing so well. My mind has been so many other places all year long.
“I’m freezing. You didn’t happen to bring hot chocolate or coffee, did you?”
“I wouldn’t bring you out in this cold weather if I hadn’t, sweetheart.”
He’s used to this weather, but I’m not. He pours me some hot chocolate and pulls me closer to him. Sadly, I’m really enjoying myself.
“Did you bring your guitar?”
“I sure did, darlin’. Would you like me to sing to you?”
“Yes, I would.”
He laughs, but I’m serious. He takes his guitar out, sits next to me, and sings “Start of Something Good” by Daughtry. I love hearing him sing.
“Evan, will you sing to me forever?”
“I would love to.”
I reach over and kiss his cheek. Then I rub my nose against his and lay my head on his shoulder.
“If you could do anything, anything in the world, what would it be? You can think about it.”
“Anything?” I ask.
“Yes, anything!”
“I would love to go to Paris. I always figured once I finished college, I would go.”
“Paris sounds fun. I’ve never been to another country. Hell, I’ve only been to Alabama and Utah before coming here,” he says.
“What about you, Evan Martin? What would you like to do?”
“Right now, I would like to kiss you, but other than that I only want to make you happy.”
I smile at him, lean in and kiss him. I try not to make it so passionate, but I can’t help myself. He has fantastic lips and his kisses are so good.
“Thank you,” he says.
“Why are you thanking me? I wanted it as much as you did. I treasure the time I spend with you. There’s just something about you that I love so much.”
“I love you more than anything in this world. I would marry you if I could.”
I can see the hurt in his eyes. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. He has been hurt enough. First, his girlfriend is forced to abort their baby and leave him, and then he loses his mother. Now, I’m ripping his heart out.
“Maybe we should stop spending so much time together. I feel like I’m only going to hurt you in the end.”
He jumps up. “No, I’m fine! I don’t want to lose you; my life wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t in it. What can I do to make you see how much you mean to me? I’ve never been with anyone that makes me feel the way I do when I’m with you. Have you even noticed that since the day I met you, I’ve contacted you almost every single day?”
“I have and I know how much you love me. I’m just afraid of hurting you worse than I already have.”
“Damn it, don’t you understand that regardless of what happens, I’ll be hurt? The woman I love and want to spend the rest of my life with is in love with another man, a man she loves more than she does me. You don’t think that fucking hurts? The night we made love, I felt as though you were thinking about him the entire time.
“I can’t compete with him; he already has you. He has always had you. Every moment you’re with me, you’re thinking of him. I know you’ll never be mine fully, but if part-time is all I get, then I’m fucking taking it and being happy with it.”
I start crying and grab his chin. “Evan, you look at me. Don’t you ever think, for one second, that when I made love to you, I wasn’t thinking about you. I wanted you just as much, if not more, than you wanted me. It kills me inside to know that you may not always be part of my life.”
He turns his head and I can see the tears falling. I wrap my arms around him and hold him.
“Now you listen to me. We’re here and I
want to spend this time with you. Didn’t you say this was about us and no one else? So let’s make it about us.”
He picks me up, carries me back to the blanket, and lays me down. “I’m going to kiss you. Is that okay?”
I nod my head. He kisses me and I just forget about everything.
“Evan, make love to me, please.”
“Are you sure that's what you want? You want me to make love to you, right here?”
“Yes. Right here, right now. Please.”
I know he can tell I’m still crying. He kisses my nose.
“I’ll give you anything you want, but are you sure this is what you want?”
“I’m sure. I love you so much. This is about you and me right now, no one else.”
“I didn’t bring you out here to make you have sex with me. I don’t even have a condom.”
“It’s okay, I’m on the pill and I trust you. I trust you with my life. I want all of you right now.”
We kiss and I take his clothes off. He lifts me off the blanket and starts undressing me. There’s a little snow on the ground and its cold as hell, but my body is so hot. The warmth of our bodies feels like a sauna.
Evan holds me with my legs wrapped around his waist. He leans me up against a tree and enters me. I love the feel of him inside of me. He makes love to me, just as I wanted.
I can tell he’s getting ready to come.
“We have to stop,” he says. “I’m not wearing a condom.”
“Evan!” I say as I kiss him harder. “It’s okay; I want all of you inside of me.”
“I can’t hold it any longer.”
He comes inside of me and I smile as he does. He carries me back to the blanket and continues to kiss me. I notice he's crying.
“You're the only woman I have ever had unprotected sex with.”
“But what about…?”
“The condom must’ve been defective.”
“Oh,” I say. I don’t want to say her name. As we lie on the blanket that cold New York night, I can actually see myself spending forever with Evan. I know I can't, though.
We make love again before going back to the car. I’m not ready to leave, but I know we should go. Thanks to the snow, the ride back is so pretty.
