by Tracy Gray
There was a light tap on the door, before it pushed open a crack. There were so many children in her life for so long that Auntie Bo didn’t believe in door locks. She saw them as a problem waiting to happen, so there was no defense against the intrusion.
When she spotted me by the sink, Joya opened the door all of the way and slipped past me, stepping inside the small space.
“Awww, Boo. I can’t stand to see you hurting like this.”
I looked to make sure that she didn’t have Ryder in her arms. When I was sure that she didn’t, I fell into her embrace. Joya and I had always shared a special relationship. She was ten years older than me, but never treated me like a pest or a brat, instead treating me like a cherished niece.
“Why am I still hurting like this?” I sobbed.
Her hands were firm as they moved up and down my back in a soothing fashion. “Because you love hard, Reign bow. When you love somebody, you love with your whole self, and it takes time to rebound from giving so much away.”
“Do you think I should see him? That I should consider designing his place? Do you think it’ll give me closure?”
“I’mma be honest with you, Reign. It’s been three years and you’re still crying over him. I don’t think seeing him will make it worse.” She pushed me back, so that she could look in my face. “I don’t know if you should work on his place - no matter how much he’s willing to pay. You aren’t on the same thing that Kyndall is on. She’s a single mom, her priorities are different than yours. She might have to make the hard calls based on the bottom line, that’s not your testimony. So, take her advice with a grain of salt and give it the amount of consideration you should, then make your decision based on you and how you feel.” She sighed. “Boo, I have no idea what actually went down with you and Xavier. I was off somewhere with Nasir, in the words of Jill Scott, “lovin’ him exclusively” during that time. I’ve only heard bits and pieces. You all were together three years ago, then you weren’t. All I know is that I’m gonna support whatever you want to do. If you wanna work with him, I support you. If you don’t, I support you. I just really want to see you pull yourself outta this pit that you’ve been in for the last three years. Your name is Reign, as in “Long May she Reign,” not rain as in “miserable, dreary, depressing rain.” And for the last three years, you’ve been walking around with a dark cloud over your head.”
My cousins helped me load up my truck with petit fours for the Back-to-School Bash. I gave them hugs, and watched them climb into their respective trucks, before I returned to Auntie Bo’s house to hug her good-bye.
“All right, Auntie Bo.” I said as I approached the front doorway, where she was standing.
“Reign,” she said, “I have made it a point for the past three years to stay out of you and Xavier’s business.”
My head was nodding before I could even form the words with my mouth, because that was true. She hadn’t offered any commentary on the break-up, even though I knew she had to have thoughts about it. I mean, right after it happened, I practically moved in with her and all I did was cry. “I know.”
She’d comforted me, held me, prayed over me, and loved me. But she had kept her thoughts and opinions to herself, except to assure me that regardless of the current situation, she knew that Xavier had loved me, and still loved me.
“I love those Mayhew boys, almost as much as I love my Watson babies.” She continued, a small hint of a smile playing on her thin lips. “You know, I have a special place in my heart for Busy. He was such a young boy when things in his life went south, but he stepped up and carried himself like the man of that family. He just handled things with a maturity that was way beyond his years. And I love Brandon, that’s my little genius. Smart as a whip, analyzes everything to death. Looks at the world from every angle, but instead of being uptight, has the nerve to be funny, and outgoing. I love him. But Xavier? That is most definitely my sweetheart. When they moved in with Vera he was three years old, but still such a baby. Lost his momma, and truth be told, his daddy way too young. All he wanted was for somebody to hold him. Climbed in any and everybody’s lap, just looking for love and affection. Some type of acknowledgement that he was...here, in existence, and mattered. A sweet baby boy. And we called him “Baby” for so long, I didn’t think he would ever learn his given name.”
We both chuckled at that.
“And for years, everytime I looked at Baby, all I saw was that three year old little boy looking for somebody’s lap to climb into - to be held and loved. Then one day, y’all were over on the next block doing who-knows-what, and you hurt yourself. Next thing I knew, a crew of twenty-something teenagers was coming down the block, heading for this house. And when you all got here, you were in Baby’s arms. He was carrying you and his eyes locked into mine. In that moment Reign Christina, I swear I felt like cupid shot an arrow through my heart, because I could literally feel the love that boy had for you. It was oozing out of his eyes. And I thought to myself, my niece is in a world of trouble, because Baby’s love was huge. It was almost overwhelming for me, and I was on the outside looking in. I couldn’t even imagine how you would handle it, but somehow you did. You gave him back a love that was just as powerful. I was worried, because a love like that between young people usually leads to unexpected pregnancies and such, but y’all were so mature about your relationship. I think that’s why grown folks hated the way that you all loved, because they couldn’t emulate it. So they didn’t want you to have it, either. Didn’t feel like you deserved it, or earned it.”
I couldn’t stop the tears as they started to fall.
“Anyway, Baby had life in his eyes when he was with you, and I mean even just in your presence. He had a purpose, a confidence and a knowledge of self with you that he didn’t have alone. Every time I’ve seen him in the last three years, his eyes have been dead and flat. I’m saying this to say, you aren’t the only one who's still crying over this relationship ending. He might not be crying the same physical tears that you cry, but he’s hurting - has been hurting for three years. I don’t know if the damage is repairable, but I do know that if you don’t talk to him, you’ll never know, either.”
I nodded, tears still frustratingly coursing down my face. I was over myself. I was ready to stop crying everytime I thought about losing Xavier.
“Now, fix your face and get out of here. I’m probably not supposed to tell you this, but he’s flying into town today. Busy, too. They have some business to handle, and I invited them over for dinner. You probably don’t want to be here when he arrives.”
Wrapping my arms around Aunt Bo’s neck, I hugged her tightly, trying not to drip tears on her slim shoulder. “Thank you, Auntie Bo. Thank you for being the one consistent thing in my life, besides River.”
She held me tightly, filling me not only with love, but with strength and fight as well. “I love you, Reign.”
“I love you, Auntie.”
I left my aunt’s porch, and traipsed over to my vehicle. Once I climbed into my truck, I dug my phone from my purse.
Me: Xavier, this is Reign. I heard you’re in town.
Before I could even get the key in the ignition, my phone pinged with a response.
Him: I am. Headed to Miss Bo’s house in about an hour.
I watched the three dots that indicated that he was still typing dance across the bottom of my screen.
Him: You coming through?
Me: No. But afterwards...
Him: Afterwards what? We should meet up? Get together?
Xavier and River. The two people who could always seem to read my mind.
Me: Afterwards. After y’all finish dinner, text me. I’ll come to my aunt’s house, let her know. We can talk there.
Him: I’ll text you, then.
About an hour later, I pulled up to my parents’ home in the Western suburbs. I rang the doorbell and waited.
“Hi. I have the petit fours for your Back-to-School Bash in my trunk.” I told my father when he opene
d the door.
Moving in silence, we carried bag after bag filled with sweet treats from my trunk into their spacious kitchen.
Removing a container from one of the bags, my father let out a wolf-whistle. “That Kyndall is a wonder. These look good enough to eat.”
“They taste good, too.” I assured him.
He opened the lid, and popped a brightly colored delight into his mouth. “Yeah.” He nodded his head, giving me a smile. “Yeah. These are fire.”
I chuckled, watching him chew. Tall, and built, he could hang a suit like nobody’s business. He wasn’t hard to look at either. My father was dark - the color of vanilla bean, with sparkling dark eyes, high cheekbones, and a neat goatee that framed a full mouth. He had a hearty laugh, and a personable disposition, but it was his charisma that made Works of Faith Covenant Church the powerhouse black bastion of biblical teachings that it was. He could work a room. Talk to people in a way that made them feel like they were the most important person in the room. People liked to be around him. Liked for him to pay them attention and notice them. Liked to be part of his inner circle. As his daughter, his parishioners probably thought that I had that. That I had his attention, his ear - that I was one of the most important people in his sphere, but that wasn’t my reality.
“What’s on your mind, Reign?” He asked, his voice even, the way I was sure it was when he sat down to counsel a parishioner.
I heaved out a hard sigh. “I’m leaving Works of Faith.”
Keeping a poker face was my daddy’s bread and butter, so I hadn’t been expecting any reaction from him, least of all the one I got. A very dry chuckle.
“Eh, you can’t fire me from being your daddy, but you can fire me as your pastor.”
I didn’t say anything, just stared down at the pattern in my mom’s carrera marble countertop.
“I can’t say that I’m surprised, Reign. This has been a long time coming.” He lifted my chin, so that we were looking into each other’s eyes. “About three years in the making, if I’ve been reading you right.”
I looked into the eyes of my father, the man who went half on a baby with my momma, but who I never felt knew me or got me. The man, a virtual stranger, who I saw more often in the pulpit than I ever saw darken the doorway of my bedroom as a child - was telling me that he noticed something about me. I was kind of blown. I never thought he noticed me at all...except when I was doing something stupid that embarrassed his good name.
“You never felt the same about me after Xavier left for training camp his rookie year.”
“I never knew how to feel about you, before or after that.” I said honestly.
“Ouch.” He released my chin from his grasp. “You got time to unpack that?”
My eyes widened in surprise and I cocked my head to the side. “I didn’t come here to have this conversation with you, Daddy. I just came to let you know why you wouldn’t see me at the Back-to-School Bash. You might not really want this smoke.”
He chuckled again, this time the humor was genuine. “I want it, Reign. Just not in the kitchen. Let’s talk in my office.”
I followed him through the house, whipping my phone from my purse and shooting Xavier a quick text.
Me: Apparently everybody and their momma wants this work tonight. I gotta have a heart-to-heart with Pastor Champion. Can we talk tomorrow?”
Him: Yeah. Tomorrow.
My father took a seat in the large, leather chair behind his formidable desk, while simultaneously motioning for me to sit in the chair across from it.
I sat.
“Do you think I’m a bad father, Reign?” He asked, watching me.
I eyed him right back. “That’s a hard question for me to answer, because I don’t have another father to compare you to. You’re the only father I have. I mean, you provided a place to live, and food to eat, and stuff. But I will say that I think you’ve been...an emotionally neglectful father. I have never felt like I know you, or that you know me, or that you want to know me. I grew up feeling that what you wanted most from me was for me to stop being stupid and embarrassing the family name at church.”
“Why did you feel that way? Like I thought you were stupid, or an embarrassment at church?”
I almost stood up from the chair. “Daddy, if you wanna have a real conversation, we can do that. What I can not do, is this.”
“Please calm down, Reign. I’m not trying to upset you. I’m trying to get you to talk to me. Maybe the reason that you feel like we don’t know each other is because we’ve never really talked.”
“You never wanted to talk to me or tried to talk to me, Daddy. You were too busy at church, talking to your parishioners, and your security team, and your mothers board, and your choir directors. When was there time left to talk to me?”
“Tell me why you feel like I thought you were stupid or an embarrassment at church?”
Inside of me, rage was bubbling up. “You were there. You saw the things you did to me, you did them, Daddy. Marching me up the aisle of the church, in front of everybody, because I broke one of your rules? Making me sit on the front row, because I couldn’t be trusted to sit with the other teenagers. Guess you thought I would sneak off somewhere and get caught kissing Xavier, or doing something more than kissing. How did you think that would make me feel, Daddy? Precious? Cherished? It made me feel low. Embarrassed. You think I didn’t hear the whispers about me being the “wayward” daughter? I mean, they were mostly circulated by your own mother.”
“I wasn’t trying to embarrass you, Reign.”
“Oh my God, Daddy! Are you even serious, right now? Fine, you were doing what you thought was right at the time, but your learning curve was steeeeeeeeeep. And I paid the price for it.” I jumped up from the chair.
My daddy jumped up right after me and made it around the desk before I could snatch my purse from the floor. He caught my arm, causing me to look up at him. In his eyes, all I saw was love, and pain. Not the anger that I expected to see there.
“You have not been a good shepherd to me, Daddy. The bible says that the good shepherd leaves the 99 and goes in search for the lost one. I’ve been lost for soooo long, and never once have you left the 99 to look for me. Please go back to your 99, the lost one has found a new shepherd.”
Xavier
3
I waved to Miss Bo, as she stood on the porch watching me walk towards my rented truck. Dinner was delicious. Nobody could fry chicken like she could. I set the plate she had piled high for me to take back to the Airbnb, on the passenger side. I was about to climb in, when a white Nissan Rogue bent the corner, then pulled abruptly to a stop behind my rental.
“Oh my word.” I heard Miss Bo mutter, as she started down her front stairs. “Reign bow?”
Reign bow?
I shut the door of the truck with a slam and made it to the driver’s side of the Rogue, before Miss Bo was even at the bottom of the stairs.
I tapped lightly on the tinted window, hoping that it was actually Reign, and not somebody who was gonna blast me for touching their ride. “Reign.”
I heard the locks pop, then the door slowly pushed open, so I stood back so she could exit. My heart pounded in my ears when I finally saw her face. It was puffy and tear-stained from crying. She didn’t wear much makeup, just eyeliner, and occasionally mascara, and that was smudged, giving her raccoon eyes. It didn’t matter, she still looked gorgeous to me. Still looked like the only woman I had ever loved, would ever love.
“You okay?” I asked, fighting the longing in my arms to reach out and pull her to my chest. She’d been crying. I was ready to fuck up the world.
“Reign.” Miss Bo said, finally making it to the sidewalk by where Reign had parked, if you could call the way she’d pulled her truck up to the curb parking.
Reign just stood there, her entire body convulsing. It took every ounce of self-control not to hug her. Miss Bo opened her arms wide, and like a shot, Reign left me standing in the street, and launched herself i
nto her great-aunt’s embrace.
“Let’s go in the house and talk about it.” Miss Bo told her softly.
I stood there like a sucker for a few seconds, not really sure what to do. Reign was clearly upset, but hell, I wasn’t her favorite person. Maybe she didn’t want me around to witness her drama.
“Baby, come on in the house.” Miss Bo called to me.
This lady stays calling me by my childhood nickname. I thought as I followed her into the house.
Miss Bo led Reign into the family room. She sat down on the sofa and pulled Reign into her arms. I sat across from them in an ornate wing chair.
“What happened, Sweetie? Baby told me you texted him about having a talk with your father.”
Reign chuckled a little bit. “He’s 25 years old, you’re still calling him Baby.”
“He’s always gonna be Baby to me.”
“That’s not what you said earlier.”
“Reign Christina Champion, you are really talking outta turn. Now, whatever I tell you in confidence is between us. If I wanted him to know what I said to you, I would’ve said it to him. Do we understand each other?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Now, what did your big dummy of a father say that has you so upset?”
“He’s just so...clueless. He,” she shook her head adamantly. “He doesn’t know how to love me. Maybe he can love River, but he doesn’t know how to love me. I’m so tired, I’m just so tired of men who can’t love me the way that I need to be loved. Am I that difficult to love?”
Shots fired. That question was aimed at me, and I took it on the chin without flinching.
“I’m gonna make us some tea.” Miss Bo stood, moving more quickly than I had seen her move all night.
The words, “hasty retreat” ran through my mind. Miss Bo made a hasty retreat. She wanted to get the hell out of dodge, and I couldn’t say that I blamed her.
“You’re not difficult to love, Ma. Not at all. You’re easy as hell to love. And if anybody knows that, it’s me. I’ve been loving you since I was about eleven or twelve. That was part of the problem. That was part of why every adult around us didn’t want us together, because we loved each other too much. Too hard. More than what was comfortable for them.”
