After the shower she looked at herself in the mirror, and became filled with pride at the thought of the beauty of her face. She loved her flawless perfection, as it stared back at her in the steamy mirror that she had wiped clean. She contemplated, her beauty, the incredible breasts she possessed, her shapely legs, her bright blue eyes, and her thick blonde hair. She remembered how men always looked at her twice, and then became angry that she tolerated Gabriel. She started imagining her life as a single woman. She thought a beauty like her would have the best luck in finding a new boyfriend. Then she decided to break up with Gabriel. As she walked out, she got dressed and then looked at the beautiful man lying in the bed, and could not bring herself to say the words that she had been fantasizing about. So she decided to walk to the kitchen and eat some cereal. As she ate, she felt empty inside from the thought of losing him, but then remembered Celia and then became enraged. So she decided to talk to him, but became filled with dread over never finding another like him, and realized, that he was too precious to let go. More beautiful than most, Gabriel had been her love, and even if he loved other women, she would always love him. She remembered how in high school she had broken up with her boyfriend, and how afterwards he never forgave her. She remembered the pain, and realized she would never overcome the pain of losing Gabriel, for she considered Gabriel even better. So she decided not to break up with him. As she ate her cereal she thought “I love you Gabriel, I will always love you.” She then thought she might find someone better than him, but then remembered it was unlikely, because as one got older it became harder, and she had lucked out. After eating her cereal she lay down in bed next to him and made love to him.
Chapter 24
Gabriel Hatfield and Carl, continued to date, and spent a lot of time together. They would often dance together to music, and work out together, by jogging and doing yoga. They would go on Facebook together and chat for hours. They would listen to music together and lie in bed naked together. They seemed to love each other and they told each other that every day. They wanted to get married and if they could not marry in Florida they wanted to get married in another state where the state would allow it. Gabriel would often imagine their marriage, and become filled with happiness. He was joyful that the world was finally accepting gay marriage, and not contemplating their death instead. He would remember stories from history class and remember how it used to be illegal to be gay, and would feel fear pulse through him. As a result, he thanked God every day that he was not living in those days, and that those days had passed forever. He felt thrilled to be alive knowing that people did not want to kill him, and celebrated his happiness through Carl and by acting as a couple publicly with him.
Although Gabriel anticipated getting married one day to Carl, he did not know who would propose, and so decided that in a year he would. He imagined taking Carl to dinner and then kneeling before him and asking him to marry him. He imagined Carl saying “yes,” and then embracing him. He imagined then adopting a child with Carl, and living happily ever after. He imagined adopting a son. Although Gabriel felt happy he did not feel happy about the fact that he would have to move, and so hated Floridians for forcing him to, for he knew that leaving his family was a punishment for being gay, and therefore he had to rebel the way he had against the word “faggot,” and the oppression that was intended through it. So he thought about the word “marriage,” and wondered why it was a public affair. Why the sacred love between two people, would be something that he had to share with his whole country and his government. In response, he decided that the word marriage could be private, and therefore he hoped Carl would join him in a marriage in Florida on the beach in front of the sunset. After all, was it illegal to stand together in front of a minister and say that you would love one another forever. Whatever version of marriage had been made illegal to him, Gabriel felt that standing in front of a crowd and pronouncing his eternal love for another could never be illegal; and therefore, planned to get a certificate in another state, but perform the ritual in Florida.
As Gabriel thought about gay marriage being illegal in Florida he felt filled with fear, as he realized that in Florida the majority hated him. He realized that gays could not relax until gay marriage had been legalized, because until that day, they were in jeopardy of being arrested, persecuted, and killed, because the majority saw them as sinners, deserving of hell. So every night Gabriel prayed, to a God he believed loved him and sometimes doubted in him. He prayed that people would change, and see god as the nature around them, or the karma of life, rather than an old story about a town getting destroyed in the bible for the act of sodomy. Gabriel wished that the people would realize sweet love as god, the food they ate as god’s will, the fair whether as the kisses of god, and the beauty of the sky as god’s masterpieces; and therefore, realize that god was love, not hate. He wished the haters would realize that they served the devil, for only a religion of anti-creation would want to destroy something as beautiful as Carl, or the purity of love itself. As a result of feeling fear, and persecution, Gabriel and Carl decided to join gay clubs and go on gay marches, in order to remind the world that they would stand tall and proud in the face of hatred and persecution. At times Gabriel would purposely kiss Carl, on the street, to make haters angry, because by doing it and not getting arrested, Gabriel felt human. He knew that he was allowed to live as free, and therefore, practice his freedom.
As time passed, Carl wanted to take Gabriel on a ski trip to Colorado, and therefore made arrangements for them to go. They had anticipated that in December they would go skiing during the Christmas holiday. When Carl told Gabriel about the ski trip, Gabriel could not believe that he had made the arrangements without asking him first, and grew concerned that he would hate skiing. Gabriel had never seen snow before, and felt filled with excitement at the thought. He asked Carl if he had seen snow before.
Carl responded “yes. As a child I lived in Canada once.”
“Which part?” Gabriel asked.
“Toronto.” Carl responded. “Every winter it would get very cold, and the sky would often turn pink at night, making the snowflakes look like something from a dream. I remember playing in the snow with my mother, and brother. We would make a snow man or have a snow fight. Even though people consider frost cruel, to me there was always something exciting about it, something homely, something comforting. Although I never went skiing I greatly enjoyed ice skating, and I really want to try skiing with you.” Carl replied.
Then Gabriel answered “I am glad you want to try something new with me.”
Although Gabriel smiled, he felt disrespected for not having been asked what he wanted to do during his Christmas holiday, and therefore felt like yelling at Carl. He pushed down his feelings, with the thoughts of fornicating in wooden cabins, as the cold beat outside. Eventually Gabriel’s anger subsided, and became replaced with excitement over experiencing something new. He imagined his boyfriend under a big pink sky and white flakes falling, and felt glee.
As the time passed, until Christmas, Carl and Gabriel continued to date. They would see movies together, such as “What Dreams May Come” on television, read the Chronicles of Narnia together, and ate various meals together. They, even at times, watched gay pornography together and masturbated about it. Although Gabriel had enjoyed the gay pornography sites, he hated the idea of sharing Carl’s admiration with other men. As they watched naked men tied up, bent over, and licking each other’s penis’s; Gabriel became jealous as Carl enjoyed the men. The men aroused Gabriel, but then the jealousy would make him feel un-aroused, and as Carl masturbated, to the idea of experiencing anal intercourse, Gabriel watched in dis-satisfaction. One of the pornography stars, Carl specifically enjoyed, and searched the site mainly for photos of. The pornography star, called David Wylde, had blonde short hair, a slightly crooked nose, small blue eyes, and a beautiful oval face and complexion. As they watched him, Carl felt love; sharing such intimate moments with David. Meanwhile Gabriel, although a
ppreciative; would become jealous. Although Gabriel felt jealous it was not the same type of jealousy that people in opposite sex relationships experience, it was rather a type of jealousy tainted with love and appreciation; and as a result, Gabriel did not complain. Gabriel instead enjoyed the image of David dangling from a rope, too. He enjoyed watching David bend over and expose his anus. He enjoyed David’s big feet standing on a stool. He enjoyed, David, tied to a wooden rack stretched out as much as possible. He enjoyed David in all the positions, but at the same time felt betrayed, and therefore his jealousy had turned in to a type of masochism in which he wanted more.
Both Gabriel Hatfield and Carl Gable continued watching David Wylde through the internet, and eventually both of them masturbated about him. They enjoyed his slender curves and his proud chest no matter the degradation he went through. As they both came to orgasm, they felt like they had fallen in love. After they had both finished, they both took a shower together, and kissed under the warm running water.
After the shower, although Gabriel Hatfield felt sexually satisfied, a part of him hurt, and therefore, he felt the need to discuss his jealousy with Carl.
As they sat on the couch together in their pajamas, that evening, Gabriel asked “Why do you need to watch other men online?”
Then Carl responded “because they are hot. Don’t you think so?”
Then Gabriel responded “don’t make this about how gay I am. I mean why are you not satisfied just with me?”
Then Carl responded condescendingly “I am, I am. I just thought it would be something enjoyable to do. I thought jealousy was something beyond us.”
“It is beyond us.” Gabriel responded as he became filled with shame.
He had always been taught that jealousy was a vice, and something beyond the homosexual community and therefore something to be ashamed of.
As Gabriel started to feel humiliated, he still felt bothered by the pornography, and then said “what I mean to say Carl, is that I want us to be committed to one another. I want to know that I will never lose you to another. That if temptation comes knocking on your door you will say ‘no.’ The thought of losing you hurts. If I did not love you so much I guess it would not hurt me that you look at other men.”
Then Carl looked at him with an all knowing intelligent glance, and out of pity said “I love you to, I will always love you. Just because I appreciate other men does not mean I will stop loving you.”
Then Gabriel responded, “I get afraid you will, so couldn’t we try and make an effort for one another?”
Then Carl responded “I cannot just turn off my lust. It makes me who I am. I am gay because I like men, and I like you because I like other men like you.”
Then Gabriel responded “I know, but I just want to know that I will never lose you.”
Then Carl responded “No one knows what the future will bring, but I know that you are seriously scarred to feel so insecure. You are incredibly beautiful and therefore I would never leave you.” Then Gabriel hugged Carl, as he became satisfied with his lover.
Then as Gabriel and Carl hugged, they leaned back and began to kiss. They then undressed each other, and made love on the floor by the computer. They gave each other orgasms through oral sex, and enjoyed the comfort of each other’s arms after wards.
Chapter 25
Natasha continued to have difficulties with her weight. As she would sit in her new home, she would remember all the times her sister had battled with food. Paulina, Natasha’s sister had battled with bulimia, and therefore had gained a lot of weight because of her addiction to food. Paulina started to experience bulimia, while she attended the high school in Caracas, Venezuela. She had attended a school called Happy Camping, a private English school. In it, Paulina had to wear, a uniform of khaki pants and a blue collared top. Paulina adjusted to her new life with difficulty, but tried anyway because she had not enjoyed her life with her mother in Texas. Her mother had become abusive as she would get drunk with her new boyfriend, and would focus only on him instead of her daughters. Out of jealousy, Magdalena, her mother, would criticize Paulina’s body, and make comments about Paulina having to work out. So Paulina started feeling very uneasy at the young age of fourteen, and therefore, had decided to experience life in Caracas, Venezuela, with her father. There, amidst the green hills she found peace and confidence with her father Fredrick, and made friends with a wide assortment of people. One of the girls she made friends with, called Esbeth, constantly ate a lot of cookies, and then went to the bathroom to vomit them up. Paulina began to experience the same love of food and as the high of knowing she could be as thin as she wanted soared through her, she also began to induce vomit regularly. Paulina who had always maintained a reasonable weight, began to feel a stronger urge for food and a greater weakness for it, because of the ability to vomit. As she would look at a plate of cookies, she would get an urge, as she would look at chips she would get an impulse, and at the point when her mind used to say: “this is the end of you, this is the moment when you become a loser, a person nobody loves, a person everybody hates;” her mind instead began to say “you can vomit it up. You are no longer a loser because you eat a lot. You will always be beautiful no matter how many bags of cookies you consume.” As a result of the positive feedback associated with food, her weakness for food began to win and she would eat so much, that no amount of fingers down her throat were enough to make all the food come out, and therefore she would vomit a little bit and her body absorbed the rest. She became bigger and cuter, as if she had gained back all her baby fat, and then eventually she noticed that she stopped looking like a woman and instead looked bulbous. The uniform no longer hid her fat, and her always small breasts looked smaller, next to the rolls of fat that had developed on her waist and stomach. She felt terrible, and therefore began to feel like the only happiness in life was the food she ate. She would grow astounded over her ability to eat so much, and argued to herself that she could not control herself, because of all the times she had said “yes,” to food during her baby fat stage; when she had not been as grotesque. She felt out of control and as the shame gushed over her, and the memories of no control filled her mind, she would eat endless amounts of food. For example, she would eat an entire packet of rice in one night, or an entire loaf of bread. Her body craved more and more food, until one day she thought she had been cursed, and decided to end her life because she was destined to be everything she hated; and therefore, tried to jump off a balcony. As she tried to leap, a fear propelled through her; she realized she might end up crippled, or only half dead for the rest of her life. So she told her father she wanted to die, and then her father forced her to see a psychologist.
Paulina, told the psychologist her whole life. She would tell her psychologist that her mother had humiliated her many times, that her mother had abandoned her in a sense. She would tell the stories of how her mother’s boyfriend had abused her and called her a “bitch,” or how he would yell in a state of drunken rage. She would tell the psychologist how at times he would even punch a hole in the wall. Through tears she would recount how she craved food, and oddly a certain type of food, carbohydrates. She recounted all the times she had eaten a packet of rice, or a loaf of bread, and how it had all started with a bag of cookies shared with a bulimic.
The female psychologist, Dr. Guterman, analyzed everything Paulina had said, and responded “there is hope,” while handing her a tissue. “You have bulimia and it is curable, but you will have to work hard,” Dr. Guterman continued.
Then Paulina asked through sobs “how do you mean? I would do anything.”
Then Dr. Guterman replied, “you just have to come to therapy and do as I say.”
Then Paulina began to calm down, and accepted her new role as a complete submissive to Dr. Guterman. As she began to feel the breath of life re-enter her, she became filled with hope and realized she would do anything to be thin again.
Through the various therapy sessions with Dr. Guterman, Pau
lina learned that her urge to eat carbohydrates stemmed from a desire to release dopamine in her brain, which she lacked because of depression. In response to her dopamine deficiency, Dr. Guterman prescribed her anti-depressants. Although anti-depressants helped Paulina, they were not enough. According to Dr. Guterman, Paulina needed to fight the culture of shallowness that her mother had taken advantage of, to hurt her. So the Doctor told Paulina, that she should refrain from interacting with people who spoke too much about appearance, and food as one’s enemy. The doctor had concluded that Paulina had been a victim of Magdalena’s for so long, that the thought of beauty hurt her, and that the thought of food reminded her of what she lacked, and therefore hurt her too. The doctor helped Paulina combat bulimia by telling her to try and look at food differently than as merely her enemy. That if she tried hard enough to associate food with all the positive qualities it possessed and the concept of well-being, it would eventually stop symbolizing humiliation. According to the doctor, food had started to become one with shame and therefore triggered more depression and therefore binging; which she thought partially stemmed from the emotional pain of obesity and past abuse.
In addition to avoiding negative images of food the doctor prescribed Paulina to tell her family to not talk about appearance any more, in front of her. So Paulina would get angry if Natasha would comment about someone’s beauty, or if her father admired an actress.
Paulina told her family “Please do not talk about that, nor food.”
As a result, her family began to analyze everything they thought before they said it. They would often feel guilty to have made a mistake, and then apologize and wonder at the absurdity of it all. Dr. Guterman had prescribed, her family to respect Paulina’s ego with the hope of mending the abuse that her mother had created. As Paulina felt her family’s love, and care, Magdalena’s bad words eventually faded, and became obsolete. Paulina began to control her food intake and lost the massive amount of weight that she had gained. She eventually stopped taking anti-depressants and became a person who hated her mother, ate a balanced diet, and focused on the good qualities of food instead of the bad.
Gabriel Page 12
