Holly Jolly

by Violet, Silvia

Dane grinned at him, and the boy headed for the kitchen.

  "You come here a lot, don't you?"

  "At least a couple of times a week. It's close to my apartment. Do you live downtown?"

  "One the south edge of downtown in a duplex," I said. "It's close enough to walk to work, which is good, because my car is extremely temperamental."

  Dane smiled. "So, what made you change your mind about me?"

  "Change my mind?" I repeated as if I couldn't comprehend the words. Perhaps my brain was just trying to reject the idea of having this conversation.

  "You ignored me for days and then you burst into the shop this morning looking like you'd already had several cups of coffee. I thought you might explode with the need to talk to me."

  Not just talk. "Um… I'm sorry. About not calling or coming by or something. When I literally ran into you, I was going to say that you had the wrong impression, that I'm not gay, but that's not true. I mean, I guess it's not. I don't really know what to say, but I'm definitely attracted to you. Oh, I… I didn't mean to say that, not like that. I just… I've never been with another man and I—"

  Dane laid his hands over mine as I tore a napkin into little bits. "I'm really attracted to you too, and I knew you were straight or at least you thought you were."

  "You did?" I looked up. He was smiling at me, looking like he might laugh, but not like he was mocking me, more like he was truly enjoying this…spilling of myself or whatever I was doing.

  "Shelley told me," Dane said.

  "Of course she did."

  "Don't be annoyed with her. She cares about you, and I think she was afraid I'd get annoyed and give up on you."

  "I'm surprised you didn't."

  "When I want something, I can be very stubborn about it," Dane said.

  "And you…want me?"

  He laughed. "Oh yes. Very much."

  My mind went blank, and I just stared at him.

  "We don't have to rush any of that."

  "But it's going to happen. I mean you want it to happen. I mean… Wow, I wish I could stop embarrassing myself."

  "I kinda like it. But what's going to happen today is whatever makes both of us happy."

  I squeezed his hand. I wanted to reach out and touch his face, caress him, run my thumb over his lower lip. I craved him in a way I'd never craved anyone, but while certain areas of town had become a lot more progressive recently, public displays of affection between gay men in a Baton Rouge restaurant was a no-go. Our food came, so we pulled apart and focused on eating.

  I took a pita, filled it with shawarma and tzatziki, and took a bite. Dane was right: this was amazing.

  "Good?" he asked when he finished chewing his own first bite.

  "Incredible."

  "Told ya."

  I scooped up some hummus with a pita triangle and tasted. Dane was right about it too. Some of the best I'd ever had. "Thanks for bringing me here."

  "You're quite welcome. When we're done eating, what would you say to a little ice skating?"

  "Um…really?" I'd never been before and I would likely end up on my ass seconds after hitting the rink.

  He laughed. "Yes, really. It'll be fun."

  "I'm not sure about that. I think it might be painful."

  "If you fall, I'll kiss you and make it better."

  He was joking, but the thought had me sucking in my breath. "I've never skated before."

  "It's not like we've got a lot of experts here. There'll be plenty of other first timers."

  "But you've been?"

  "Every Christmas for years."

  I couldn't help but want to please him by saying yes. And I imagined how proud Shelley would be. Ice skating was definitely something fun people did. "Okay."

  "Perfect."

  We finished lunch and walked over to the River Center. The scene at the rink pulled a smile from me. The city must have paid a bundle to keep it cool. I knew there were cooling coils similar to those in an air conditioning unit under the ice, and they had to be working hard since it was nowhere near freezing outside. There were people on the ice in short sleeves—though they probably weren't locals. Most Red Stick residents considered sixty degrees jacket weather.

  We bought our tickets and rented skates. As we strapped them on, I thought seriously about chickening out, but then Dane stood up on wobbly legs and grinned at me. "First one to fall buys the after-skating drinks."

  "Wait," I called as he walked shakily toward the rink. I tied my second skate and followed, knowing I'd go wherever he led.

  Chapter Three: A Merry Little Christmas

  When I stepped onto the ice, I clung to the wall, sure I was going to fall the second I let go.

  "Come on, give it a try." Dane skated around in a circle. He looked precarious, like he might fall too, but he just skated on anyway.

  "Come on. You can do this. You've roller skated, haven't you?"

  "Yeah, like a squillion years ago."

  "It's probably like bike riding and you don't forget."

  I chewed my lower lip. "Um…I think I've forgotten how to ride a bike."

  We both laughed.

  "Take my hand."

  I glanced around. "Here?"

  "I'm teaching you to skate. All quite innocent."

  I reached out, clasping his hand, and he pulled me away from the wall.

  Starting to slip, I windmilled my free arm, probably looking like a cartoon character, but I stayed on my feet.

  "See. You're fine."

  I was far from fine, but I moved with Dane, slowly sliding one foot and then the other, sure I was going to fall on my ass any second.

  "Oooh, I love this song." Dane beamed, obviously overcome by Christmas cheer.

  I paused to take in the music, hoping the shift in concentration wouldn't cause me to fall. "Holly Jolly Christmas" was playing, of all things. Great, now it would be stuck in my head again.

  "Don't you just love Rudolph and Hermey and Yukon Cornelius and how they don't fit in, but they find a way to do what they want to do?"

  I nodded. A lump in my throat prevented me from speaking. The music, Dane, his exuberance—jolliness?—was doing something to me. I liked it, yet it terrified me. Tears burned behind my eyes; I was about to make a fool of myself. Then Dane slipped and landed on his ass, and all that frightening emotion turned to laughter.

  Dane pouted. "You're laughing at me?"

  "You do look…amusing." I held out a hand to pull him up. He took it, and I overbalanced and fell on top of him. Having our bodies pressed together felt just right, a total Goldilocks moment. He was warm and firm and I wanted to rub myself on him, but I rolled off quickly. I was so not going to start making out with him on the ice in front of everyone, but—yeah, his body under mine was…wow.

  Finally, the shock of the ice on my hands had me attempting to get up. Dane was already on his feet, but he was still laughing. "You okay?"

  "Yeah, I am." And I was. The fall hadn't even hurt my pride since Dane fell first. "You owe me some beer."

  He laughed. "That I do. Now let's see if either of us can stay on our feet long enough to make it all the way around the rink."

  "Deal."

  We did, barely. I crashed to the ice just as we passed our starting point. Dane pulled me up, managing to stay on his feet while he did so. We made another round, and another. The Christmas carols that usually irritated me, the piles of fake snow that I typically dismissed as wasteful nonsense, and the happy, smiling crowd that would have made me grumble on another night all combined with Dane's presence to make me warm and cozy despite the un-Louisiana-like chill coming off the ice. Possibly, I was experiencing Christmas cheer.

  * * * * *

  We skated for a couple of hours, long enough that I would have sore legs the next day, but it was worth it, more than worth it. Afterward, we took a walk along the river. After several minutes of comfortable silence—Dane truly seemed to understand quiet companionship—he asked, "What are you doing for Christmas?"


  I shrugged. "No plans really. I don't talk to my family anymore." I needed to confess my past, to have Dane understand what he was getting into if he wanted to see me again. I wanted to push him to decide right then whether I was too fucked up to bother with.

  We stopped walking and sat on a bench. Dane studied me for a few seconds before speaking. "You told me you'd never been out with a man, so I'm assuming the rift didn't happen because of your sexuality."

  I shook my head. "No, not that they'd accept it. They're fundamentalists, and they expect me to believe what they do. Unless I go to a church they approve of and pledge to follow what they believe is God's plan for my life, they refuse to even acknowledge me."

  "That's got to be hard." Dane laid a hand on my leg.

  "Not as hard as pretending I believe something I don't. I never really agreed with the things their church teaches, the judgmental attitude, the belief that God would punish you if you stepped out of line, a line their church created. After two years at a Christian college where I was punished for arguing with a professor, I applied for scholarships and loans and transferred to LSU. I haven't communicated with my family since. They send postcards occasionally, letting me know they're praying for me. Sometimes, I get those from other people in their church too." I leaned my head back on the bench and covered my face with my hands, realizing how long I'd been babbling. "I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear all this."

  Dane caressed my thigh, his touch easing the tension in my chest. "I'm sorry about your family, and I want to hear whatever you want to tell me."

  "Listening to me whine is no way to spend Christmas Eve." I still couldn't look at him.

  "So you've got some crap you're dealing with. That isn't going to scare me away."

  How the hell did he know what I was thinking? "I didn't mean to spew all that." Finally, I opened my eyes. His expression was just as warm and caring as it had been while we skated.

  He brushed my hair back from my forehead. "I don't mind, truly."

  "Do you want to come home with me?" I asked, not actually sure I'd said the words out loud instead of letting them run on repeat in my head.

  He smiled. "I'd love to. We could watch a movie, help you catch up on things you may have missed."

  "I think I've finally watched all the Christmas movies necessary to give me a full understanding of the American commercialized Christmas nightmare."

  He laughed. "What about Die Hard?"

  "Die Hard? With Bruce Willis? How is that a Christmas movie?"

  Dane just shook his head. "I'm going to show you. Nothing puts me in the holiday mood quite like it."

  "Okay. Why not?" What wouldn't I try with him? Shelley's comment from our lunch came back to me and I coughed.

  "What's wrong?"

  "Nothing just thinking about something Shelley said."

  "Want to share?"

  "Definitely not. You owe me a drink by the way."

  "Beer sound good?" Dane asked, thankfully not pushing to hear Shelley's obscene comment.

  "And pizza?"

  "Sure, we can hang out just like straight guys, beer, pizza, explosions, machine guns."

  I laughed. "I missed out on experiences like that too. Alcohol is a sin as far as my family is concerned, and modern movies are the work of the devil. Guns are okay, though, as long as you're hunting deer or liberals."

  Dane grinned. "Let's see if we can do a little something to remedy your deprivation."

  "Okay." If I'd enjoyed ice skating with Dane, he could probably make me enjoy anything.

  Anything? Heat rose to my cheeks.

  Dane gave me a sultry look and licked his lips. "Whatever you're thinking about, we'll explore it after the movie."

  I nodded, incapable of saying anything right then. I wanted to explore him, to taste him. How had this happened to me?

  He stood and held out his hand. "Ready?"

  If I took his hand, my life was going to change. Again. I was sure of that. I looked into his eyes, and he smiled at me, open, genuinely happy to be with me. I reached for him and let him pull me off the bench.

  He let go of me and gestured toward the path. "Lead the way."

  * * * * *

  By the time we arrived at my house, we were exhausted. Hours of skating and traversing downtown had done us in. I was more than ready for pizza and the beer we'd picked up along the way.

  I unlocked the door to my duplex, and Dane followed me inside. As I glanced around, I realized the place was a mess. I hadn't thought I'd be bringing Dane back here when I'd run out that morning.

  I grabbed some things off the coffee table and scooped up a pile of laundry from the couch. "Sorry."

  Dane laid a hand on my arm. "Don't apologize. The last thing I'm worried about is your housekeeping skills."

  "Yeah?" My pulse pounded in my ears. He was so close, his hand so warm.

  "Yeah." He leaned closer. I caught my lower lip in my teeth and stared.

  I wanted to kiss him. All I had to do was lean forward a little, or maybe if I just stayed still, he would…

  I backed away. "Um…w-what do you like on your pizza?"

  Dane smiled. He was laughing at me but not in a cruel way. I think he actually found my nervousness endearing. At least one of us did.

  * * * * *

  "Here you go." The guy handed me a large pizza—sausage and peppers, Dane's favorite. "Merry Christmas."

  "Um…yeah…you too. Merry Christmas." There, I said it, not because I had to, but because for once I wasn't feeling like a grumpy asshole on Christmas Eve.

  I turned to see Dane popping open two beers, and I couldn't help but smile. I might, for once, actually be merry on Christmas if I didn't panic or screw something up.

  "Thanks. I'll get us some plates."

  Dane grinned. "Let's just eat from the box. You know, like guys hanging out."

  I laughed. "Sure that sounds good. The fewer dishes the better."

  He sat on the couch, placing the beers on the coffee table. "Join me?" he asked, his tone sultry.

  I sat the pizza box down, glad I hadn't dropped it since my brain had gone offline as I stared at Dane. I sat next to him and opened the box. Cheese stretched where it had stuck to the cardboard. Dane wrapped a long string of it around his finger, then held it out to me.

  His eyes were dark with desire and challenge. I took a shaky breath and grabbed his wrist, tugging it to bring his finger to my mouth. I used my teeth, scraping lightly to pull the cheese from his skin. I drew his finger into my mouth and his eyes widened. Sucking his finger was the most erotic thing I'd ever done, better than any actual sex I'd had. My cock pressed against my jeans, hard and needy, as I swirled my tongue around his finger.

  He cleared his throat and tried to pull his hand away. Reluctantly, I let him go.

  "I don't think we'll get to the movie if you keep that up." He forced the words out between shallow breaths.

  Wow. That was not an effect I expected to have on a man like Dane. And the effect on me was just as intense. "I'm not sure I can concentrate."

  "Let's give it a try. We at least need to eat before…exerting ourselves."

  I reached for the remote, but I couldn't seem to make any sense of the buttons. The concept of streaming a movie seemed as complicated as an Einsteinian equation.

  "Need help?" Dane asked.

  I shook my head. "I'm just a little frazzled."

  "Me too."

  His words were soft, and they soothed me. Knowing he was as stirred up as I was made it easier to cope with the enormity of what I was doing.

  * * * * *

  Over an hour later, I was half lying on Dane, his arm around me, Bruce Willis was gleefully blowing things up, most of the pizza was gone, and I was floating in a haze of contentment. If I'd thought too much about what I was doing, I could easily have panicked, but thinking was beyond me at that point. My world centered around Dane, and I was full and happy and just horny enough to know one of us was going to take action after the
movie, but right then, the warmth and comfort were all I needed.

  We stayed there on the couch, slowly becoming more entwined throughout the rest of the movie. I waited until all the credits had rolled by before I forced myself to sit up and turn the TV off. I glanced at the clock. It was almost nine, later than I'd thought. "Did you have any plans for tonight?"

  "Plans that don't include you?" he asked.

  "Yeah."

  He smiled and looked me up and down. "Not a one."

  "Oh. So, um…"

  He moved closer to me and took my face between his hands. I wanted to kiss him, but my heart was beating a mile a minute. What if I screwed things up? What if I was the worst kisser he'd ever been with?

  "Stop thinking," Dane commanded.

  I nodded and tried to do as he said. "I…"

  "What?"

  "I don't want to wait anymore."

  "For what?" His voice was quiet, almost a whisper.

  "To kiss you."

  "Then don't."

  I brushed my lips softly over his.

  His hands flexed in my hair. "More."

  I kissed him then—really kissed him—in a way I'd never kissed anyone before. It wasn't just that Dane was male, though that certainly made a difference: the rasp of his beard against my skin, the firmness of his body pressed to mine. But everything about the kiss was…more. Heat. Need. Desperation. Dane parted his lips, and I slid my tongue against his.

  He tasted me, flicking his tongue over the roof of my mouth and making me shudder. I tightened my grip on his hips to keep him close as he speared his fingers into my hair. I needed air, but I didn't want to let him go. I licked at his lower lip and then caught it in my teeth before finally pulling back.

  Dane was panting as hard as I was as we gazed at each other. His pupils were huge, the blue around them even darker than before.

  "That was…wow," he said.

  "Yeah…um…"

  "I need more."

  I forgot what I was trying to say and yanked him to me, crushing our mouths together.

  Dane grabbed my ass and rubbed himself against me. The feel of his hard cock pressing into mine made me shudder. I slid my hand under his shirt, gasping against his lips as I felt his warm skin. Why the hell had I denied myself this pleasure?