Hard Luck Hank: Basketful of Crap

by Steven Campbell

  “Ouch!” He complained, putting his hands up to protect himself.

  I hit him again. Then again. Not incredibly hard, but it did draw blood.

  “Enough,” Zadeck said, surprising both me and Yimm’dus. “I’ll come with you.”

  I had a hold of Zadeck by the back of his jacket and shirt collar. I was holding him tight enough that a button popped and he had to loosen his tie.

  We walked into the outer rooms, with Zadeck leading and me following, my gun resting on his right shoulder and facing towards his head.

  In the main room, whether people saw us I couldn’t say, but no one reacted.

  We came to the front door and I stopped.

  “I need to talk to you for a bit and I don’t want to do it here. So we’re going to leave your street and find a nice place to chat. If anyone tries to stop us, or squish me, I will shoot you. So it is in your best interest to tell them to go away. I’ve survived Wallow multiple times, but I’m pretty positive you won’t survive being shot in the head point blank. Do you understand?”

  “Yes,” Zadeck said. He was far calmer than I would have expected. But I guess he had been a crime boss for some decades now.

  “When we’re done talking, I’ll let you go,” I continued. “I just need some information.”

  We pushed outside and the bouncers panicked.

  I stayed close to Zadeck so they would be worried about shooting at me and hitting him. I wasn’t concerned about their guns, but Zadeck was.

  “Hold your fire! Let us pass and do not follow,” Zadeck ordered.

  We began walking down the street cautiously.

  The street’s patrons pressed themselves against the walls or entered buildings in a panic. They knew what was going to come from this.

  The street soon became empty.

  Before I could even see him, I felt the sidewalk shake and boom!

  There was a forearm impeding our forward progress. A forearm behind. And eight feet above us was Wallow’s brutal face.

  “Wallow, I instruct you to wait here. I will return shortly. I won’t be harmed,” Zadeck said.

  We walked around his forearm and I kept myself as absolutely close to Zadeck as possible. Wallow was fast on his feet and agile, but his fingers were enormous without any joints. I did not believe he could pluck me up without a serious risk of killing Zadeck.

  As we continued down the street, Wallow spider-walked above us, staying as close as possible without actually crushing us. We were literally being shadowed, as he blocked out the light from the latticework.

  “Wallow, stay!” Zadeck commanded. As scary as it was for me, this had to be terrifying for Zadeck, who was just a normal fleshy Colmarian.

  Wallow continued to hover above us and I could see Zadeck was sweating profusely and appeared quite scared.

  “W-Wallow, why are you still following us?” Zadeck asked.

  Wallow was quiet but his face was contorted in rage.

  I decided to take a chance, as I couldn’t have this monster following me across Belvaille. I would never be able to release Zadeck or he’d kill me the second I did.

  “Wallow, if you don’t leave, I will shoot your boss. You cannot help him by staying near,” I called up to him.

  Through gritted teeth, Wallow answered.

  “You kill! You die!”

  “Fair enough. But you need to stop. He’ll be back shortly. I promise.”

  Wallow finally stopped pursuing us. After a moment we were out of his shadow and in the clear street. At the end of the block I hazarded a backwards look and saw Wallow had resumed standing, and was watching us go.

  We took the train a bit south just to get some distance. I didn’t often sit on trains with a gun to a crime boss’s head. People, oddly, avoided us.

  We got off the train and headed along a random block and sat down. I handed Zadeck the last information sheet from the passenger manifest.

  “Have you seen this woman?” I asked.

  “Yes, she was my courtesan some weeks ago, but no longer.”

  “Do you know where she went?”

  “I don’t. She left without a word.”

  “Can I ask if she was a fairly athletic woman?”

  “Oh, yes,” he said, clearly not favoring. “She was a brute. I believe she could kick open doors if she ever got tired of turning the knobs.”

  “Was her skin very pale?”

  “Not on her face and hands. But I’d catch glimpses on her ankles and lower neck sometimes and it was so white it was almost reflective. I suspect she wore a cream to cover it. I’d say foundation then a skin shade forty-three or forty-four. High quality.”

  “What did she do for you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean you don’t have to tell me if you had sex, I mean what did she do at the club?”

  “Sex? I don’t think I ever even kissed her. She didn’t do anything except stand around on those thick legs talking to people. Is this a former girlfriend of yours? She made no mention.”

  “No, no. This is for work. I don’t actually know her.”

  “Don’t you think you could have called me on the tele and asked?”

  “Would you have told me? Besides, I thought she might have been still working for you.”

  “Her outside life was peculiar. I had her followed frequently,” he said matter-of-factly.

  Trust a boss to be insecure.

  “She would visit restaurants, sometimes five or more a night.”

  “Did she go or leave with anyone?” I asked.

  “No, always alone. And she was wearing disguises. Practically a new one each day.”

  “Like what?”

  “Oh, just different hair and clothes and styles. I call it a disguise because she wasn’t dressing up. She wasn’t even dressing down. She was completely changing her appearance. She even visited your apartment twice.”

  “Really?” I searched my memory. “When?”

  “She didn’t go in. You weren’t home.”

  “And you don’t know where she is now?”

  “She vanished.”

  “Hmm. Well, Zadeck, I want to thank you for the help.”

  “No problem,” he said without a hint of sarcasm. “I hope you find her.”

  “This was the only way I could see doing it. I feared you would brush me off on the tele and it might alert her enough to flee.”

  Zadeck stood up with a smile, touching my arm gently.

  “No worries, old friend, these things happen.”

  After he left, I hurried to my apartment. I took out everything of value, personal or monetary, and deposited it in my new apartment, three houses down on the opposite side. It only took me a few hours.

  I was sleeping on the floor when I heard the loudest metallic Crang!

  I woke up with a start and, with the light still off, peeked out the front window.

  Wallow was hammering my old apartment building. Five stories were being slowly beaten into one.

  Wallow seemed pleased when he was done and turned to walk away, but then smashed my couch to dust just to be sure.

  When he had gone I heard my two neighbors.

  “Building flattened!” One Gandrine yelled.

  “Yes!” The other replied.

  CHAPTER 39

  The other pale sister, with disintegrator, had gone to my apartment according to Zadeck; there were two dangerous Gandrine sitting outside; someone was hanging around making corpses of those who visited me; and Wallow may be coming back to try and pound my apartment.

  It was time for Hank to leave Hank Block.

  I took all my things and moved far out in the northwest, five blocks from the last working train. I squatted in an empty building. It wasn’t as nice as mine, but the front yard was considerably cleaner.

  “Hank, how you doing?” Bronze asked enthusiastically on the tele. I could see it wasn’t his from the call name.

  “Fine, I guess.”

  “I just heard you
got in a fight with a Therezian! How did you manage that?”

  “We didn’t fight. It’s a long story.”

  “Well, come on and join us! We’re having dinner. I haven’t seen you in ages.”

  From all my apartment moving, I was starving. My stomach grumbled just hearing about food. I didn’t especially want to have dinner with Garm and Bronze as it made me feel weird, but I should be an adult about this. A hungry adult.

  “Sure. I’ll be there in a bit.”

  I got my autocannon ready and opened my door. I was immediately greeted by the backs of two Gandrine sitting on my front steps.

  I stood there for what must have been minutes. I had come to this apartment early in the morning. After three transfers on three empty trains.

  How did they even get out here? They were probably too big to fit on a train. It’s hard to imagine them shambling all the way out to the northwest. And how did they find me to begin with? Did they have some super sense of smell?

  I walked around in front of them.

  I wasn’t sure what I was hoping to see. They were just big rocks sitting there.

  But this really defeated the purpose of me trying to hide. I mean, it’s hard to miss the only two Gandrine within thousands of light years. There wasn’t really anything for me to do, however. I hiked to the train to meet up with Bronze.

  I knew the restaurant well. It served a particular ethnic food. There was only one item on their menu I liked, but I liked it a lot.

  The bouncer stopped me.

  “Hank, I’m sorry but I can’t let you go in carrying an anti-aircraft gun on your back.”

  “Yeah? Why not?”

  “My boss will kill me.”

  “Have your boss come talk to me if there’s a problem.”

  I just wasn’t in the mood. I began to walk past him and he moved in front to try and block my entrance. I kept walking. He fell backwards and I did my best not to step on his chest, but I did step on his arm which made him cry out in pain.

  “Sorry.”

  Inside, I found Bronze easily since he was jumping up and down and waving his arms.

  I went over to his table and saw there was an attractive woman sitting next to him and judiciously not looking at me.

  “Hank! Hey, buddy. Sit down! Sit down.”

  I put my autocannon on the floor and sat, feeling the booth tilt dangerously under me.

  “This is my gal, Tuem-tai,” he said, introducing the woman, who still wasn’t looking.

  Since she hadn’t acknowledged my presence, I felt it was okay to talk about anything I wanted.

  “What happened to Garm?” I asked, surprised.

  Bronze also didn’t seem to mind talking about anything.

  “Garm’s my old lady. You know? She’s a real keeper. We’re just having fun,” he said, indicating his booth-mate.

  I felt that Bronze did not know Garm very well.

  “Um.” How should I broach this? I liked Bronze. “You know Garm is a really good fighter, right?”

  “She’s a firebrand alright!”

  “No. I mean. She might kill you. Her too.”

  I expected that mention of her potential death might stir the woman to pay attention to our conversation, but I was wrong.

  “I think I might ask Garm to marry me,” Bronze said. “Do you think she would go for it?”

  The waiter came over and I thankfully ordered some food. Ten orders with five to go.

  “You must be hungry from fighting Wallow! You get paid for that or did you just need to thump him?”

  I shook my head at the concept.

  “Have you ever seen Wallow?”

  “Yeah, sure did. He seems like a nice guy—though I’m sure you had your reasons for busting him. We chatted a few days ago.”

  “What? You talked to him?”

  “It wasn’t exactly talking, I about broke my voice shouting. He says he been here a long time. He’s been working for Zadeck for I think seventy years. He used to be a miner and Zadeck bought the mine and took him out. Then they came here.”

  My mouth hung open.

  No one had ever learned Wallow’s story. And no one “talked” to him. You got the hell out of his way. How did Bronze do it?

  “So Hank, you know of any jobs that I could do? I got kicked out of my apartment.”

  “How can you get kicked out of a place in Deadsouth? No one owns those buildings.”

  “I guess I wasn’t really kicked out. But some people are looking for me around there so I can’t go back.”

  “Who? I can probably talk to them and straighten it out.”

  “Nah, it’s not like that. Just women problems.”

  “Who, Garm?”

  “What? No. Different ones. My life isn’t complete unless ten ex-girlfriends are mad at me.”

  For someone who had such luck with the ladies he sure managed to squander it.

  “You’re going to die,” I said.

  “Not if I keep moving. I understand if you can’t, but you think I could crash at your place for a few days?”

  “My apartment was turned into a lump of metal by Wallow. And I got more dangerous people after me than jilted lovers.”

  “It’s cool. I would appreciate it if any work comes along you think of me, though.”

  “Sure.”

  I felt a lot better after my meal and talking to Bronze, who was always entertaining. On the way out I saw the bouncer rubbing his arm.

  “You okay?” I asked him.

  “I think you sprained my shoulder,” he said dejectedly.

  I sighed.

  I passed him fifty credits via tele.

  “We square?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” he said, though not exactly ecstatic.

  Which was fine, I didn’t want it to be so profitable to hassle me that everyone started doing it.

  CHAPTER 40

  I opened the door to my temporary home and in my new living room stood Naked Guy.

  “You know, this is getting old. I don’t know why I even bother locking the door.”

  Forget it. I didn’t owe him anything. I swung my gun into position and loaded an armor piercing round.

  “You know what this is?” I asked him rhetorically.

  “It looks like an autocannon. Somewhere between thirty and forty millimeters. With the belt feed and motor removed and replaced by a manual operation,” he said in his usual blasé manner.

  That was a bit disconcerting.

  “Yeah…well, do you know what it can do to you?”

  “Yes.”

  I didn’t really have a follow-up for that.

  “How did you find me? How did you get in here?”

  “We located the Gandrine. Security bypass systems are one of our products.”

  “How did the Gandrine find me?”

  “You should ask them.”

  “Did you know you have biological—um, made soldiers?” I accused.

  “Recombinant Heterokaryotic Clones.”

  “What if they sneeze?” was all I could come up with.

  “They are incapable of sneezing. Their bodies lack that function.”

  “But what if I injected some of their blood? That could kill a whole planet because of their DNA.”

  “I would not advise injecting anyone’s blood.”

  “Yeah but…it’s worse with them.” But that seemed a shaky concern so I switched tactics. “Besides, aren’t they illegal?”

  “Not on Belvaille.”

  “But they’re galactic treaty illegal.”

  “Belvaille is not a signatory to that treaty. Section 4.3.7 subsection B on Independent Protectorates details our rights and limitations. They have been upheld in the courts.”

  “Alright. But why do you guys have them?”

  “When one corporation began using them, we all had to. Just like with the armored carriers. It became an escalation factor. We can replace them far easier than regular employees.”

  “Why not just hire the peop
le already on the station? There are plenty of us.”

  “We have. I already hired you once and I’m here to ask again.”

  “Oh.”

  “And we believe they will not always be illegal within the Confederation. We want to have the technology perfected when that opportunity arises,” he stated.

  Now my real issue:

  “You made me wear a diaper,” I said angrily.

  “I suppose you could call it that.”

  “Why?”

  “You said you didn’t want to wear our uniform. I needed for you to be identifiable by our soldiers. That’s why all the corporations wear uniforms. So the clones do not attack each other.”

  “But why a diaper?”

  “Because I felt it was unlikely that anyone would clad themselves in such a garment and thus it was safe to instruct our soldiers to avoid engaging the wearer of one.”

  I was not happy with that answer, but I guess I understood it.

  “Do you have Portals in the freighter ships attached to Belvaille?”

  “Yes.”

  Through my rigorous inquiries, he had remained Naked Guy and didn’t seem uncomfortable or flustered or like I had caught him in anything. He answered immediately and without concern.

  I put my autocannon down by the door.

  “Whatever. So what is it you want?”

  “As I said, I wish to hire you.”

  “No. Just no. I can’t be killing any more people who live here. That’s not who I am. Sorry, you need to get someone else. I don’t care what you’re paying.”

  “I wish to hire you to attack a rival corporation.”

  Now we’re talking!

  “Wait. That would take an army. They’re too entrenched. And they got all those biological guys. Whatever you called them. And vehicles. It would be suicide.”

  “Any amount of money you require can be made available,” he said.

  Man, people would pay me to be able to fight a corporation. I could probably get guys from every gang. It would also go a long way to clear my recently-damaged reputation. But still.

  “We just don’t have the weapons to fight them. If you gave me like six months I could put something together. With enough money.”

  “We can provide you with any weapons you require from our armory.”

  Whoa.

  “Do you have a list of what’s available?”