Once Dead, Twice Shy

by Kim Harrison

  Ron didn’t move until the seraph looked away; then he sagged in relief.

  “But I don’t want the job!” I said, frantic that what I wanted didn’t seem to matter. “Please, can’t I just have my body and go back to the way things were?”

  The seraph blinked, looking shocked—if such an emotion could be applied to the divine. “You don’t want this?” it asked, and Ron took a step forward as if to protest.

  “No!” I said, hope filling me. “I just want to be me.” In a rush, I pulled the stone from around my neck. Gathering my courage, I darted forward, pushing the amulet into the seraph’s hands. My heart was pounding again, and, embarrassed that I couldn’t control it, I backed up, wondering if I’d broken a rule by getting that close. I couldn’t look up at its face. It hurt.

  The seraph looked at the amulet in its luminescent fingers as if holding a great treasure. The stone was blazing an infinite black, the silver wires now a hot gold. “You already are you.”

  “Please,” I begged, darting a glance at Kairos, dead on the tiles and forgotten. “Can you just make me as I was? Put me back in my body?”

  Hope buoyed me up when the seraph smiled so brightly that I squinted. “If you choose so,” it said, an unexpected humor in its voice. “Where is it?”

  My ecstatic shout died in dismay. “Kairos had it,” I said, feeling ill when my gaze landed on Nakita, then Ron, quiet in the background. He was no help, and I turned to the seraph.

  “It’s got to be in the house,” I said, turning to it and feeling naked without the amulet around my neck.

  “It would have rotted by now,” said Ron.

  Horror lifted through me, and then fear. Had Kairos let my body rot? Had all of this been for nothing?

  “He’s right,” the seraph said. “Your corporeal self is not here on earth.”

  I staggered to the table, sitting down heavily, my legs unable to hold me upright anymore. My elbows went onto the tiled table, and I knocked Kairos’s cup over. Scrambling, I righted it, wondering why. No one is going to drink it. It’s a dead man’s drink.

  “He said it was close,” I whispered, numb. Where was my body if it wasn’t on earth?

  The sun was eclipsed, and I looked up to see the seraph sit before me, a situation both shocking and mind-numbing. “Your body is most certainly somewhere between now and the next.”

  My heart felt like ash, and I blinked, trying to see the angel’s features. But there had been hope in its words. “Between now and the next? What does that mean?” I’m sitting at a table with an angel on the other side of the world. How freaky is that?

  “It means that your body is lost, but the lost can be found,” the seraph said. “Kairos would have put your body in the only place it would remain hidden yet be immediately accessible. Between now and the next.”

  Licking my lips, I snuck a glance at Kairos’s dead body. “Can you take me there?”

  Again, the seraph smiled, and I had to drop my gaze. “There is no there to go to. It just is. Within time, you’ll be able to see between the now and the next.” Clearing its throat in a very human gesture, the seraph extended my amulet back to me. “Do you choose to take this or will you choose to perish utterly?”

  Like I really have a choice?

  The wind off the ocean shifted my bangs, and I glanced at Nakita, looking lost and beautiful as she rubbed the slickness of her tears between her fingers, trying to figure them out. “Can I sort of accept it?” I asked. “Just until I find my body?”

  The seraph laughed. The beautiful sound shook the air, and the table between us cracked. “And you do not believe in fate!” it said merrily, reminding me of Grace somehow.

  “I’m serious,” I said roughly, trying to cover up my shock at the broken table. “Can I do this until I find my body, then give the amulet back?” To be alive again was all I wanted.

  Nakita had come forward, purpose replacing her confusion. Seeing her, the angel shifted its expression to one of calculation. “If that is what you choose,” it said slyly.

  “Choice?” I asked sourly. “I thought you were all about fate.”

  “There is always choice,” the seraph said.

  I glanced at Kairos and stifled a shudder. “Kairos said there’s only fate.”

  “And Chronos said there is only free will,” it said with a devious lilt to its voice.

  The seraph was up to something. Talking to it was very odd. Its emotions were as easy to read as a child’s, but powerful beyond belief. Licking my lips, I turned so I couldn’t see Kairos. “Which is right? Choice or fate?”

  “They both are,” it said. With a hush of sliding fabric that sounded like sunshine, the seraph knelt before me, the amulet held out in supplication.

  I bolted to my feet, scared. “Don’t do that,” I whispered, wanting everyone to just ignore me. I’m going to get sick. I’m going to get sick right here on this beautiful floor.

  The seraph looked up, and pain sliced through my head as our eyes met, almost blinding me. “I honor you. You can do something I cannot,” it said softly. “For all I am and all I have been, you are human. You are loved for your inventiveness, both good and bad. I can kill, but you can create. You can even create…an end,” it said wistfully. “That’s something I will never be able to do. Accept this. Create.”

  I stared at my amulet. It was beautiful, the black stone glinting with tiny silver lights at its center like stars. I couldn’t look at the seraph’s face, it hurt so much, but I felt like it was smiling at me. “Madison, fate—not choice—sent Kairos to kill you. Fate gave you courage to claim his amulet. Fate caused Chronos to hide you from us. It has been fate that angled a hundred moments to bring you here. And yet, you have to choose to accept your place or return as you were.”

  Still I hesitated from going back. “Which would you choose?” I asked. “If you could.”

  The seraph laughed. “Neither, I am me. Choice? Fate? They are the same. I cannot see the difference. It is why only a human can twist time to his or her will. When you fly high enough, seeing around the corners of time is not a problem, but it makes separating the future and the past difficult.”

  It was a choice that wasn’t one. Fate that was set by free will. I didn’t want to die, so there was only one option, and as if in a dream, I reached out to take my amulet, my life. The seraph’s skin was cool, and when our fingers touched, I felt the vastness of space spread before me in my thoughts. The stone was warm, and my fingers closed about it, claiming it anew.

  In a graceful movement, the seraph stood. “It is done. She has taken her place.”

  That fast, it was done. No fanfare, no trumpets. The amulet rested in my hand, feeling like it always had. Shocked, I looked up from it. That’s it? I’m the dark timekeeper?

  Ron sighed. Nakita was at my elbow, her fear that I would cast her aside clear in her wide eyes. “What would you have me do?” she whispered, begging me to give her a task.

  I looked at the seraph, confused, and it said, “You have a desire. She will see to it.”

  “Save Josh,” I said, wonder-struck that it was that easy. After all that I had done, I only had to ask? “Help Barnabas.”

  Nakita’s eyebrows rose and her lips parted. “I’ve never done that,” she said, and Ron made a choking sound.

  “Please,” I added, curling my fingers around hers as she held her sword.

  Nakita nodded. Her wings blurred into existence. The whiteness of them shimmered as she wrapped them around herself, and with a soft sigh of air, she vanished.

  “It’s a good beginning,” the seraph said, jerking my attention back to it. “You see well, Madison. Your friend Josh isn’t done doing for others yet.” Smiling, it leaned close. I couldn’t move as the scent of clean water flowed into me, cooling my anxiety and filling me with peace. “You should go before your father calls for you,” it said, and when it kissed my forehead, I passed out.

  Thirteen

  It was noisy, the sound of first-day excitemen
t punctuated by the occasional slamming locker. The teachers weren’t even trying to keep a lid on it. Three Rivers was a small community, and they didn’t have to stand in the hallway between classes like they did at my old school, which was too crowded to let the student body go without supervision. Yet another advantage to small-town life.

  I shoved my books into my locker and pulled out my class schedule. It said senior across the top, and I couldn’t help my smile. Senior. That was a good feeling. Even better, I wasn’t the new girl anymore. Nope. I’d been ousted from that stellar position.

  “What does domestic economic studies entail?” Nakita asked slowly as she squinted at the thin yellow paper in her grip. I’d helped her pick out her wardrobe this morning, and she looked good in her designer jeans and sandals that showed off her black toenails. I hadn’t had to paint them that color. Apparently dark reapers had black toenails.

  From my other side, Barnabas shifted his backpack higher up on his shoulder, looking like any kid in any school in his jeans and T-shirt. “You’ll love it, Nakita,” he said, smirking. “It will help teach you how to blend in. Try not to scythe your partner if the cookies get burned.”

  I stifled my laugh, trying to imagine the petite, attractive, but sometimes totally clueless dark reaper balancing a checkbook or learning how to use a microwave. My gaze returned to my schedule. Physics. Study hall. Advanced English with Josh. Photography. It was going to be a good year.

  Nakita stood back from the lockers as she puzzled it through, almost getting in the way of the foot traffic. “What do cookies have to do with economics?” she asked as she tossed her hair back in an unconscious gesture most models spend years perfecting. With that hair and those eyes, she was gorgeous, and I could already feel the stares as everyone wondered what she was doing standing next to me. The story was that she and Barnabas were exchange students, and with a little angel intervention, they had the background to prove it. As far as anyone knew, they were staying at my house. The truth was more…interesting.

  Amy’s voice lifted high over the surrounding babble, and I stiffened, opening my locker and pretty much hiding behind the door. I wasn’t afraid of her, but the prom queen mentality irritated the heck out of me.

  “Hi!” came her cheery voice, and I cringed, since she had to be talking to Nakita. Her bevy of conformist boobs were behind her, and I pretended to be looking for something. “I’m Amy,” she practically bubbled. “You must be the new girl. Is that your brother? He’s kinda hot.”

  Barnabas stiffened to look charmingly innocent with his mop of curls and wide eyes, and I smiled. He really had no clue how good he looked.

  “That dung flop?” Nakita said, her dislike almost visibly dripping into nasty puddles at Amy’s designer flats. “Yes, I guess. That doesn’t mean I have to like him.”

  “I know what you mean.” Amy faked a heartfelt sigh. “I have a brother too.” The girls behind her giggled when she pushed past me to Barnabas. “I’m Amy,” she said, smiling as she extended her hand.

  “Barnabas,” the reaper said as he darted past me to give Nakita a sideways hug to avoid having to shake Amy’s hand. “This is Nakita. She’s my favorite sister. We’re from Norway.”

  Norway? I couldn’t help my smirk when Amy’s friends started buzzing behind her.

  “I thought you had an accent,” Amy said, only mildly flustered at the slight dis. “Why don’t you sit at my table for lunch? Both of you. You don’t want to eat with dweebs.”

  Unable to take it anymore, I slammed my locker shut.

  “Madison! Sweetie! I didn’t see you there,” Amy cooed. “That top is to die for,” she said, gesturing. “It’s so you. My little sister gave one just like that to Goodwill last year.”

  Nakita had been teaching me how to use my amulet to draw energy from the time stream to make a blade, and it took all I had not to practice it now. “Hi, Amy. How’s the nose? Are you going to get that lump shaved off before picture day?” That felt almost as good, though.

  Amy flushed, but I was spared her comeback when her posse parted with giggles, and Len strutted up.

  In a fast motion, Nakita grabbed him by the neck and slammed him against the locker. Shocked, I stood with my mouth hanging open. Around us came oohs and catcalls. “Touch me there again, and you will die, swine,” she said, every word succinct.

  Len’s eyes were wide, and his face was red as Nakita pressed it into the ribbed metal. Barnabas was laughing, but I didn’t want to spend my first day of school in the principal’s office. “Uh, Nakita?” I offered.

  The reaper took a startled breath, glanced at the faces watching, and let him go. Len stumbled to catch his balance, but nothing could help him find his pride. I mean, Nakita was smaller than him, and she looked like a ditz, with her perpetual confusion. Of course, she looked like an embarrassed ditz right now.

  “You’re freaking whacked!” Len shouted, backing away as he fixed his shirt. “You hear me? You’re Madison’s friends, aren’t you? You’re just as whacked as her!”

  I made an innocent face, trying not to laugh. Barnabas, though, was snickering—as was the entire male student body who’d seen the incident.

  Amy grabbed his arm as if she was stopping him from coming after us, and she pulled him away when a teacher came around the corner. There was nothing to see, though, but excitement and laughter lingered. The guys left with loud comebacks, and the handful of estrogen trailed behind them. I exhaled, not even having realized I’d taken a breath.

  “Nakita?” I said as I opened my locker again. “We need to work on your people skills.”

  “He touched me,” she said, scowling. “He’s lucky he is still living.”

  My eyebrows rose, and I wondered if the seraph’s idea of Nakita teaching me how to use my amulet and me teaching her how to live with her new gift of fear was such a good idea. “Right, but if you want to stay in school, you have to be more subtle.”

  “Subtle,” the reaper mused, her expression easing. “Like a knife up under his ribs?”

  Barnabas leaned close. “Change that to a finger, and yes, that would work.”

  From above me came a tinkling voice at the edge of my awareness. “There once was a girl who had grace.”

  My attention shot up, and I smiled at the ball of light. “Grace!” I called, hoping no one would think I was talking to the ceiling. The first time a seraph had tried to contact me, I’d passed out from the pain. Now everything came by way of messenger angel, but this was the first time I’d seen Grace.

  The angel hovered to land atop the door to my locker. “Hi, Madison. I’ve got a message for Nakita.” Glowing brighter, she added, “What’s Barnabas doing here? You’re the dark timekeeper, and he’s—”

  “Not with Ron,” Barnabas said, face tight as he crossed his arms over his chest.

  The light brightened even more until I had to believe she was visible to everyone. “You went grim!” she exclaimed, and I winced at the pain in my head from the force of her voice.

  Barnabas ran a hand over his curls as Nakita sniggered. “I don’t know what I am, but I couldn’t stay where I was. I don’t trust Ron, but I still don’t believe in fate.”

  Nakita flipped her hair back and put a hand on her hip. “You would dare stand in defiance of seraphs?” she almost growled.

  He came back with, “I would use my eyes to see and thoughts to think,” and Grace hummed impatiently.

  Stepping between them, I said, “Okay. Fine! I don’t believe in fate, either, but I respect Nakita.” And that big scythe she showed me she could make last week. “When I’m in school, I’m safe from whatever you guys are worried about. Why don’t you both wait outside?”

  Immediately they backed down. “I need to be here,” Nakita said, eyes lowered. “For myself. I need to understand. The seraphs are unsure how your being dead will touch upon your ability to read time. And I don’t feel right among my own anymore. They think I’m flawed,” she finished, and I winced at the shame I could hear
in her voice.

  Barnabas looked out over the surrounding, excited people, his gaze vacant. “I need something to do. I’m…alone too. And you’re familiar.”

  That’s nice. I’m familiar. Like an old pair of socks.

  “You’re both guarding Madison?” Grace asked. “Someone needs to. She wouldn’t let me do it.”

  I felt bad about that, but then she landed on my shoulder and whispered, “Thank you, Madison, for naming me. I thought they were going to take my name from me, but they finally agreed that if I was assigned as a messenger to you permanently, I could keep it.”

  “Grace, that’s great!” I said, truly pleased. It was good to see Grace, but the last time a message had come for Nakita, the dark reaper had excused herself, coming back with a satisfied smile and a new notch on her scythe.

  The tiny angel rose high, and I felt a familiar presence behind me. Nakita looked away with her lips pressed together, but Barnabas smiled, and I wasn’t surprised when Josh slipped out of the crowd and into our small eddy in the hall traffic.

  “Hi, Madison,” Josh said as he banged knuckles with Barnabas.

  “Hi, Josh.” I was nervous, and that made me all the more embarrassed, especially when Grace hummed happily. He looked good, completely recovered from his brush with death. He didn’t like Nakita, though, and the feeling was mutual, from what I could tell of her dark expression aimed at the floor.

  “Madison is my responsibility,” Nakita muttered, continuing our previous conversation. “You failed. Twice. I think you’re a spy,” she accused Barnabas, ignoring Josh.

  The light reaper gone rogue was affronted. “I am not!” he said loudly. “Look at my amulet. Does that look red to you anymore?”

  It was true. Much to Barnabas’s chagrin, the glow in his amulet had shifted up through the spectrum and was now the bright, neutral gold of an inexperienced reaper. He was no longer tied to Ron. He was tied to me and growing…darker.