The Mythniks Saga

by Paul Neuhaus

  “I trust you,” she replied.

  “Remember you said that.” With no further comment, I swung my gladius and lopped off my good friend’s head. Her body remained standing for a moment and then it fell over backwards. On the other side of the glass, Hermes cried out and pounded on the transparent wall separating us. I held up my hand in a placating gesture and, again, wished I had some paper so I could deliver some follow-up instructions. Instead, I shrugged. He’d have to put the pieces together afterwards.

  Believe it or not, it didn’t dawn on me until I’d run myself through that I’d be leaving my shiny new pithos behind. As I died, I saw two small figures dashing through the forest behind Hermes.

  Turns out dying is weird. I stuck myself in the vitals and I was instantly in an all-black space. No walls. No ceiling. A floor, I guess. I was standing. I wasn’t breathing. I couldn’t feel my heart beating. I couldn’t feel my digestive system processing what I’d eaten. You don’t think about those things when you’re alive, but you sure notice them not being there when you’re dead.

  I heard a noise to my right and turned. The noise was the gentle lapping of water against a shoreline. If not for the lantern in Charon’s boat, I wouldn’t’ve been able to see at all. The blackness was nearly absolute. The boatman was waiting for me. He was awake, and he hadn’t fucked off. I walked across the uneven ground and stepped into the flat, shallow watercraft. As soon as I was aboard, Charon pushed away from the shore with his long wooden pole. Once we were far enough away from the land, he stopped pushing laterally and changed to pushing us against the current. I was in the boat alone. That disappointed me. I’d hoped to take that ride with Amanda. I suspected she’d be as mad as a hornet when I saw her again. Who could blame her, really? The last thing you’re expecting from your new BFF, generally speaking, is to be murdered in cold blood. Still, I saw killing us as the only way out of both the sphere and the Demizoi. We needed to get out of there with some haste since Medea had fled the scene and was doubtless up to no good. She went to a lot of trouble to make that funky key and I was mighty keen to see she never got to use it. Of course, I had no idea what lock it opened. The crazy bitch could be anywhere in the world opening up gods know what kind of treasure chest or cage. Even though I had no way of knowing what Jason’s ex- was up to, I had to fall back on reason. If I was stuck inside a giant glass ball, I sure as shit couldn’t do anything useful. Suddenly, I was a doer instead of a bump on a log.

  In time, the ferryman and I passed into the Underworld proper. I could tell because that funky, luminous mist started appearing in clumps. The mist provided additional illumination and I could tell we were inside a dark, dark cave headed up a river. I willed Charon to go faster—which wasn’t exactly fair since the poor guy was steering us upstream. If there’d been another pole, I would’ve pitched in, but there wasn’t so I didn’t. I’m not sure which river we were on, but it soon split. With some effort, Charon turned us in place so that we not only merged into the other fork, we also began moving with the current. Our progress got much quicker.

  From up ahead, I could hear a more insistent water sound. In time, the fork we were in merged yet again into a much wider river with a stronger current. With the maneuver accomplished, we began moving at an impressive clip. Again, my mind turned to the dark rides at Disneyland. If I made it out of this, well, alive, I felt pretty strongly I should celebrate with a visit to the Happiest Place on Earth. That seemed like a good way to unwind after losing my original pithos, losing my long-term traveling companion, inadvertently setting the dead free from the Underworld, letting Medea harness the power of post-coital magic for gods know what ends, and then murdering my best friend. It’d been the kind of week only a ride on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad can make you forget.

  While I was distracted with my theme park-based reverie, we passed into the biggest cave in the Underworld. The one with the bench where the judges had sat, and the two gates stood. Now the place was completely empty. Not a grim, grinnin’ ghost in sight.

  Charon steered us toward the shore closest to the inner gate. The one leading to the Underworld’s various neighborhoods. I was impatient, though so I stepped out of the boat with the intention of swimming toward the land. That ended up being unnecessary since I didn’t sink into the water. My feet stayed flush with the surface and I found that I could walk across it. There was a little resistance from the current. Still, it wasn’t hard to work against and, soon, I was running toward the shore.

  Not far from the riverbank, I could see the bench with the three judges. One of the three judges wasn’t there. He must’ve fucked off. The other two looked shell-shocked. The guy who’d been in charge of the keys (I couldn’t remember his name) looked down at the empty chain around his neck as if he was still trying to make sense of it all. I decided not to approach them since I wasn’t there to be judged. Unless, something went badly wrong, I wouldn’t be staying.

  I took a quick look around. The gate leading to the Asphodel Meadows was still open. Next to it, still standing at attention was Thanatos. The Grim Reaper. Poor guy. Suddenly he was out of work. What would’ve been the point of him gathering up souls if those souls were just gonna leave the Underworld again? He seemed unfazed.

  But, since the loophole was still in effect, I needed to take advantage of it as quickly as possible. I needed to dash out of the Underworld and reclaim my physical body again. The best way to do that would be to step through the big main gate and then step back in again. My plan at that point, such as it was, was to use the main gate, exit in Greece, then step back into the Underworld and, with my flesh and blood back in my possession, make a dash for the back exit. The one that let out in Bronson Caves. That way I’d at least be close to home again.

  Before I got even a few steps closer to the main exit, I was knocked down from behind. I tumbled over the gravely ground with someone on top of me.

  That someone was Amanda Venables.

  And she was wicked pissed.

  At first, I was disoriented. I said to myself, I’m a ghost! How is it I’m being physically assaulted? The math wasn’t too hard. I was being physically assaulted by the only type of creature that could physically assault me: Another ghost.

  Amanda clawed at me and pulled my hair. “You decapitated me, you crazy bitch! What’d I ever do to you?!”

  It’s hard to reason with someone when they’re full-on feral. I could’ve easily thrown Venables off, but I decided to let her burn away her anger. I spent my energy on keeping her at a safe distance rather than fighting back. We rolled around a few times and she made a halfway decent showing, but we were interrupted when someone to our right started kicking rocks at us. “Stop it!” the newcomer shouted. “Break it up, you two!” It was Connie and he had his body back.

  Amanda was overwhelmed with relief. So much so she got up off of me and ran to her new boyfriend. She tried throwing her arms around his neck, but he dodged.

  “There’ll be plenty of time for that later,” he said. “I need you guys to move your asses. Go out through the main gate and come right back in again. Meet me in the hub in front of the two thrones. I think I have an idea what Medea is up to.”

  That I had to know. “What?” I said, standing.

  The former Knight of Eurydice pointed at the humungous grate over the entrance to Tartarus. The grate was sealed with a gigantic padlock. The kind of padlock that required a key. I knew what Connie meant right away. I grabbed Venables by the hand and pulled her toward the main gate. As she was yanked away, Amanda said, “She killed me,” to Connie. Connie just rolled his eyes and ran in the direction of the secondary gate.

  When we were nearing the threshold, Amanda said, “You killed me.”

  “I know, I know. It was the only way I could think of to get out of Medea’s sphere. I promise I’ll never murder you again.” With that, we ran into the world of the living. Greece. The real thing. It was sunny and bright and there were still a few confused recently dead folk lingerin
g nearby. Now that they had their bodies back, they were uncertain what to do. I wanted to encourage them to fuck or go find a good meal, but we didn’t have time for that. The group standing nearest us was made up of kids. They stopped horsing around to look at us. As I looked back at them, I had a sudden revelation. I looked down to make sure that Amanda and I were both back to normal, and then I spun around and ran us into the Underworld.

  As soon as we were back inside, I stopped, put two fingers into my mouth and whistled using Stephanie’s exact pitch and volume. I didn’t have long to wait. I heard him chittering before I saw him and, when I saw him, I was really relieved. Leon came to a halt in front of us, hovering. I couldn’t understand him, but, based on my observations of he and Stephanie together, I was fairly sure he could understand me. I gave him very detailed instructions and, when I was done, he immediately flew off in the direction of the Bronson Caves exit. He was, as far as funky little bat creatures go, aces in my book.

  With Leon gone, I yanked Amanda along again. We had our lungs and muscles back, and I quickly remembered how badly out of shape I was. By the time we reached the secondary gate, I was out of breath and my thigh muscles were screaming. Both of us entered the hub between the Underworld’s various neighborhoods walking rather than running. When we rounded the corner and saw the thrones, we were greeted by a shocking sight. Connie Constantinides was sitting in one of the seats—the one that had belonged to Hades. He’d also appropriated something else of Hades’—his iron crown. He now glowed with a bluish light and his eyes were luminous. Stephanie’s crown was sitting in her recently abdicated throne. Not knowing what else to say, I said something stupid. “What’re you doing? Get up from there! Put the crown back before someone sees you!”

  Connie grinned and stood. “Too late,” he said. “I’m the new lord of the Underworld.”

  Venables and I looked at one another, dumbstruck. Finally, I said, “Why—? Why would you do that?”

  Constantinides shrugged. “Because someone had to. We gotta get this whole life and death thing back on an even keel.”

  I shook my head. “You. Are a madman.”

  He walked past us back toward the gate and we moved along with him. Amanda, clearly conflicted, lagged a few steps behind. When we got to Thanatos, Connie stopped and looked up into the creature’s inscrutable face. “Go out into the world and regather all the dead. Bring them back where they belong.” The new God of the Underworld looked back at Amanda and I. “Since all the dead currently roaming the overworld did, indeed die, I’m within my rights to gather them back up again.”

  “Death will have his day...” I said, momentarily dumbstruck.

  “Okay. Great,” Venables said. “What about Dora and I?”

  That stopped Constantinides in his tracks. His eyes grew wider. “Oh. I didn’t—”

  None of us were expecting to be interrupted by Thanatos. His voice was deep and ominous. He looked at me first. “I cannot reclaim Pandora. She has a Destiny which is beyond my ability to alter.” Then he looked at Venables. “Her on the other hand... She’ll have to return as a shade.”

  Amanda folded her arms in front of her chest and cocked her hips. “Fuck that noise,” she said.

  Connie returned his eyes to Thanatos. “Look. Can’t we work out a few exceptions? I am in charge here now.”

  Thanatos’ demeanor didn’t change a whit. “I collect all the eligible dead or none of the eligible dead. The choice is yours.”

  Hades’ replacement grew very sheepish. He turned again to Amanda. “Look, sweetie, this is an awkward situation. If you could just—”

  But Venables was already marching back in the direction we’d just come from. “Fuck this fucking goddam bullshit,” she said.

  Connie followed after her, pleading his case. Oddly, neither of us knew what she was going to do until she did it. What she did was pick up Stephanie’s crown and put it on her head. Instantly, she transformed. Her skin glowed and her eyes did too. “There,” she said to Thanatos. “Does that get me off the hook?”

  Thanatos was already headed for the main gate. “Works for me,” he said without turning.

  Constantinides was grinning from ear to ear. “Welcome aboard,” he said.

  I shook my head. “You are one crazy broad,” I said to Amanda.

  “Whatever. I’m still mad at you for chopping my head off.”

  Connie intervened before the two of us could start bickering again. “Okay. Fine. Good. Let’s get over to the Tartarus gate before—”

  He was drowned out by a horrible clatter. It was coming from the direction of the Tartarus gate.

  8

  Again with the Underworld

  It was a short run back out through the secondary gate. To our left was the main exit. To our right was the Tartarus grate. First, I looked left where I saw Thanatos walking casually toward the big gate. He was indifferent to whatever was happening behind him. Then I looked right, and I immediately wished I hadn’t. Hovering over the river, kicking up water with the beat of its massive wings was a dragon. Not just any dragon but a skeletal dragon. It was covered here and there by dry, parchment-like flesh and its wing membranes were shot through with sporadic holes. Riding on the dragon’s long neck was Medea. She was brandishing her gnarled key in one hand. The other hand hung limp at her side. Since Amanda and I had seen her last, she hadn’t gotten treatment for the wound in her shoulder. She looked like hell. When she looked down, the monster descended and folded its wings. It was so big it had one foot on one side of the river and one foot on the other.

  Connie started walking toward the interloper. Not knowing what else to do, Amanda and I fell in step behind him. I don’t think Medea was there to parley, though. She was there to open the lock sealing the grate and nothing else. Anyone who tried to stop her would, I suspected, become dragon food.

  Constantinides stopped so that he was just out of reach of the flying nightmare’s long neck. “Stop!” he said. “You come here uninvited! You are unwelcome!”

  Medea was about halfway between the dragon and the grate covering Tartarus. She smiled at us. “And if I choose not to recognize your authority...?”

  Connie shrugged. “Recognize it or don’t. I wear the crown. It’s the only badge of office I need.”

  Without saying a word, Amanda stepped forward to stand alongside her co-proprietor.

  “Little godlings... You’ve not yet come into the fullness of your powers. I could burn both of you down where you stand.”

  “Then do it,” Amanda said. “If you’re so sure, why haven’t you done it already?”

  I stepped to the side. A little closer to the river. I noticed two things. Number one: Shades were appearing here and there. Thanatos was out in the world doing his work. In no time at all, the place would be thick with the dead once again. Number two: The dragon’s eyes followed my movement. For some reason, he was fixated on me rather than the conflict brewing to the other side of him. I was unconcerned. He wouldn’t be able to stop me from doing what had just occurred to me to do.

  I put two fingers in my mouth and whistled so loudly it echoed throughout the subterranean chamber. I drew everyone’s attention. Medea. Connie. Amanda. Constantinides looked annoyed. “Do you mind?” he said. “We’re trying to have a Mexican standoff here.”

  “Of course. Yes. Sorry. Carry on.” I pointed my eyes past the dragon toward the smaller chamber beyond it. The way that Amanda and I had entered the first time we came. I didn’t see anything. I continued to look. Still nothing. I started to worry. Still nothing. Real anxiety crept in. Nothing still.

  Then pay-dirt.

  Cerberus the three-headed dog came running in like a furry freight train. He crossed the river as if it were nothing more than a trickle and barreled into the dragon with his full momentum. The dragon rolled over onto his back and his wing narrowly missed Medea when it slammed into the ground. The wounded witch sidestepped but recovered quickly. She wasted no time shooting what looked like a gout of
liquid magma from her key into the dog. That was the cue for the rest of us to spring into action.

  Amanda and Connie shot blue flame from their fingertips and knocked Medea back. I charged up so that I was just behind them, but then it occurred to me that I had neither a weapon nor my pithos. I’d brought the proverbial knife to the proverbial gunfight. Where the fuck was Leon?

  Around us, the newly-returning dead were growing thick.

  Cerberus and the dragon had rolled the other way. Their frenzied fighting was kicking up a continuous spray of river water.

  I gritted my teeth, genuinely afraid for the first time. This could all come down to a matter of seconds. If the giant combatants in the river held one another in a stalemate and, if Medea could keep Connie and Amanda in check, the grate above Tartarus might soon be open.

  That thought gave me pause. We now knew what Medea was up to, but we didn’t really know why. She wanted to unseal Tartarus, but so what? What was in Tartarus that could possibly do her any good? The most famous resident of that place is probably a guy you’ve heard of. Sisyphus. He’s the guy that has to get up every morning, push a giant rock uphill all day and then have it roll back down on him again at nightfall. I was pretty sure Sisyphus was not what Medea was after but, then again, I’d practically given up on understanding the mean little woman’s motives.

  Then it hit me.

  What else is locked up in Tartarus?

  The Titans.

  A quick history lesson... The Olympians—Zeus, Poseidon, Hades, all those guys—they weren’t the first set of Greek gods. The first set of Greek gods were the Titans. Those bozos were led by an especially cruel guy named Cronus. At some point early in his reign, he was tipped that, if he had kids, they would work to supplant him. Sure enough, he and the Mrs. had themselves a brood and, remembering the prophecy, Cronus did the only logical thing he could: he ate his kids.