The Mythniks Saga

by Paul Neuhaus

  Zeus raised his chin and looked at me. “Pandora? Is that you?”

  “The one and only.”

  “What—? I mean what—?”

  “It’s a long story,” I replied as I laid into the first chain. This won’t surprise you, but the chain was as strong as a motherfucker. In fact, it was too strong. I have better than average upper body strength, but I couldn’t get the cutters to so much as nick the thick links. “Holy, shit. Who made these chains?”

  “Hephaestus,” Zeus said as he laid there looking up at the sun.

  “Of course. You know I really wish he’d done a shittier job because this ain’t working.”

  The allfather sighed and said. “Okay, hold on. Give me a minute.” The god took a deep breath, gathered his strength and waited for the hole in his gut to completely reseal. Then, one arm at a time, he snapped the chains with two mighty flexes of his powerful arms. Then he rose at the waist and ripped the chains off that held his ankles.

  I threw the bolt cutters aside and glared at him. “Are you telling me you could’ve done that at any time? Why would you just sit there and be tortured like that?”

  His expression was easy to read. It said, “Maybe I deserved it”. Despite that, his mouth muttered a barely audible, “I dunno”. Just to give you some context, Zeus looks like British actor Clive Owen if British actor Clive Owen had a full beard and was ripped as a motherfucker. Zeus also has one of the biggest dicks I’ve ever seen. Which is not to say Clive Owen doesn’t have a big dick. I honestly couldn’t say one way or the other. What I was dealing with was a super-fit, naked Clive Owen-looking motherfucker who appeared to be inhabited by a mopey teen girl.

  “Look,” I said. “I see you’re feeling a little out of sorts, but we can talk about it on the plane. I really need your help, so if you could just stand up and— “

  He wouldn’t make eye contact with me. He said something just outside the range of my hearing.

  “What’s that? Speak up. You sound like you have a mouth full of marbles.”

  “But I’m naked, I said.”

  Right. That could constitute a problem. I didn’t know if Armenia had any laws vis a vis the transport of nude men via light aircraft, but I did need to take Apkar Ohanian’s comfort into account. For some reason, I looked around at my surroundings as if I expected to see an Armani suit hanging from a nearby tree limb. Finally, I did the only thing I could think of to do. I took off my shirt and handed it to him. “Here,” I said. “See if you can fashion that into some kind of diaper.”

  Zeus took the t-shirt and did his best to make it work. I felt bad for Bullwinkle as I watched the poor moose go face-to-taint. “Now you’re naked,” the former king of Olympus said.

  He was right about that. I never have been one for brassieres. I looked around again as if I expected Nature to provide a Rocky the Flying Squirrel top to replace the one I’d just given up. “There’s nothing we can do about it now. Come on, let’s get this show on the road.”

  Ohanian happened to be looking our way when we emerged from the thicket. A giant man in an ill-fitting diaper and a topless woman with no regard for modesty. He watched us, slack-jawed, until we reached the helicopter and got in. “Apkar, this is… Zach. Zach, this is Apkar.” He started to say something, but I interjected as quickly as I could. “You said the check already cleared, right?” He nodded, taking my meaning right off. Before he fired up the rotors, he took off his striped sweater and passed it to me. Underneath he was wearing a “Don’t forget the Alamo” t-shirt. “You’re a real gentleman, Apkar Ohanian,” I said as I slipped into the sweater.

  Turns out our private jet had a stewardess on board. I’d never met her because I’d slept through the whole flight. She proved handy when we sent her into nearby Vanadzor to buy Zeus some proper clothes. As I was telling her what to buy and in what sizes, I noticed a spark between she and Zeus. Not surprising since Zeus is one of the horniest creatures that’s ever walked the planet. Motherfucker used to disguise himself as other things—people, animals, inanimate objects—just to get his fuck on. I felt bad for the stewardess since none of Zeus’ paramours ever profited from their encounters with the god. On the other hand, the flirtation showed me that Zeus wasn’t so mired in his depression he’d overlook some nookie.

  As we sat around waiting for the girl to come back, I said to Zeus, “So… How ya been?”

  The big man shrugged with his shoulders and muttered, “I dunno.”

  “Do you wanna know what I think?”

  “I guess.”

  “I think that you’re working a martyr complex. I think that you buggered off to… wherever gods go when they’re buggering off, and you hated it. There was no more excitement, there was no more glory, and, more importantly, there was no more mortal pussy to win. Does that sound right?”

  “I dunno.”

  “Look up. Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

  I almost laughed when he looked up at me. There was just so much teen girl in his demeanor. His body language said plainly, “I’ll look up but only ‘cause you’re making me”.

  “So, you fucked off, you got bored, you got depressed and then this whole thing happened with Prometheus and, suddenly, you could say, ‘See?! I was right about being wrong!’ And so, you lapsed into this whole… thing you’re doing right now. With the ‘I don’t care’ and the ‘Whatever’. Well, guess what? It’s time to come down off of the cross. We need the wood.”

  Zeus sighed as if the whole weight of the world had just come down on his shoulders. “What’re you even talking to me about right now?”

  “Here’s what I’m talking about: You and me’re gonna raise an army, storm Olympus and put you back on the throne. Before we can do that, obviously, I need you to get up off your candy-ass and pitch in.”

  For a long moment, he just looked at me. Then he burst into wracking sobs with tears streaming down his face. I felt bad immediately. I went over, sat down next to him, and put my arm around his massive shoulders. “It’s okay, it’s okay. There’s a good boy. It’s okay.”

  So, yeah, maybe Tough Love hadn’t been the right approach.

  Okay, sure, Zeus is a god, and he can hurl lightning and transform into shit and all of that, but, when you strip all that away, he’s wired a lot like the rest of us. And by the rest of us, I mean “humans” first and “Greeks” second. Just from talking to him for a couple of hours, I realized how like us the Olympians truly are. Forget for a second that I told you I was talking about Zeus. Wouldn’t you think a guy who’s own father ate him alive while he was still a baby would be entitled to a little neuroses? From what little I remember about my dad, he was a kind and simple man. I can’t even imagine being born and immediately being on the menu. The truth is, Zeus did a great job keeping his insecurities under wraps for a really long time. The cracks didn’t start to show until he retired. Although, now that I think about it, maybe he’d been acting out with all that aggressively sexual behavior.

  When we touched down in the Motherland, Zeus was curled up into a ball in his seat, fast asleep. I regretted having to wake him, but he stirred without complaint. “Wow,” he said. “I dreamed I was a lightning bug.”

  “You dreamed you were a lightning bug?”

  “Yeah. I was just flitting around, and I was all glow-y.”

  “Do you think maybe the lightning bit was symbolic in some way?”

  That stopped him cold and a thoughtful expression filled his wide face. “Huh. I didn’t think of that. You’re smart. I mean like really smart.”

  “Thank you,” I said, pulling my hands up into the sleeves of Apkar Ohanian’s striped sweater. The stewardess had gotten Zeus a pair of chinos and a simple black tee. He looked like a million bucks.

  “Too smart to have fallen for the whole pithos full of Evil trick,” he said with a mischievous grin. “What were you thinking?”

  I glared at him. “Says the guy who baited and set the trap.”

  He suddenly looked sad a
gain. “You’re right. I shouldn’t’ve done that. I was kind of dick back in the day. I wanted to say I was sorry before—when I offered you the chance to fuck off—but I was still too deep into the stoic leader trip I was on. This Prometheus thing has been… humbling.”

  I nodded. “I know it has. Don’t sweat it.”

  “No,” he said with some force. “I need to sweat more things. When I need to say I’m sorry, I should say it. When I need to thank someone, I should thank them. So, thank you. You know, for the talk last night. It was really helpful.”

  His gratitude was touching in its sincerity. “You’re more than welcome,” I said. “And I apologize.”

  “For what?”

  “For keeping you up so late you didn’t get to bop the stewardess.”

  “Oh no,” he said, his smile returning. “I bopped the stewardess. As soon as you went to sleep.”

  “Of course, you did.”

  The jet landed in Greece in a town called Parga. Back in the day it was called Toryne, and it was near a temple dedicated to Hades and Persephone called the Necromanteion. The temple was near where the Acheron, Pyriphlegethon and Cocytus rivers all conjoined, and it was there where one could find a gate into the Underworld. Actually, one could still find a gate to the Underworld if one knew how to look. I knew because I’d been through it fairly recently.

  “Okay,” Zeus said for the third time. “Explain this to me like I’m a five-year-old. Why do I have to wear this get-up?”

  I walked around him, appraising the job I’d done on his disguise. The allfather was wearing an ankle-length robe with a hood. He looked a lot like a Sith lord, especially since I’d painted his face black. “What’s to understand?” I said. “If we took you into the Underworld without a costume would Hades and Persephone recognize you immediately?”

  “Yeah, no, I get that part. Why this particular outfit?”

  “The outfit’s only half-finished. Now… Make yourself translucent and glow-y.”

  He did as I asked. “No, not yellow glow-y, blue glow-y.” I marched him into the bathroom and pointed him at the mirror. “See?” I said.

  “I look like a shade,” he replied.

  “And where are we going?”

  “The Underworld— Okay, I get it now. Go over the plan with me again…”

  I sighed and pulled him back into the passenger cabin. “I don’t wanna hit you with the whole plan. I’m only gonna give you your part. When we go into the main chamber, I want you to split off and act like your run-of-the-mill ghost until I get back. When I get back, I’ll give you the rest of the scenario.”

  “What’s a run-of-the-mill shade act like?”

  “I dunno. They’re all mopey and confused. Improvise.” His eyes brightened at the word “improvise”, and I was forced to add a quick addendum. “Do not try and fuck the other ghosts. As far as I know, ghosts don’t fuck.”

  He sighed. “Too bad.”

  My one worry going back into the Underworld proved to be unfounded. I was afraid, with Hades back in charge, there’d be a stronger presence at the gate. The only one there to greet us was Cerberus, though. The three-headed dog and I had a history together. He approached me cautiously at first, but as soon as he realized it was me, he gave me a yucky lick to the face. Zeus smirked at the two of us. “And you were worried about me going sex crazy.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” I said, looking around. The place hadn’t changed much under the new regime. The area between the river Styx and the hub was still populated with shuffling shades. “Just do me a favor and blend in until I get back.”

  “On it,” Zeus said, and I headed off toward the inner gate.

  I entered the hub to see Hades and Persephone (AKA Stephanie) sitting on the two obsidian thrones instead of Connie and Amanda. Hades, long known for his lack of humor, sat up and glared at me with piercing eyes. “How did you get in here?” he said. “Did you come through the front gate?”

  “I did come through the front gate,” I replied. “Cerberus let me by. We’re kind of pals.”

  The lord of the Underworld sighed. “I can’t think of a single good reason for you to be here.” Hades knew who I was and, though I don’t think he bore me any ill will, he wasn’t happy to see me either. I had a suspicion about why that might be.

  “Actually, I have a very good reason for being here. But I’m not sure how explicit I can be since I don’t know where your loyalties lie.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Stephanie and I made eye contact briefly. She’d still been in charge during my first visit and she’d done me a solid or two. She was keenly interested in what I had to say. “Let me ask you this,” I said. “And be honest… Were you enjoying your retirement?”

  Hades looked at Stephanie and mulled over how best to answer. He’d fucked off before her and left her in charge of the Underworld. I’m certain it was a sore spot between the two of them. “It was… okay,” he replied.

  “So, it’s good to be back on the job then?”

  He narrowed his eyes at me, trying to discern whether I was some kind of spy. Was I a Prometheus loyalist testing his allegiance? “What’re you getting at?”

  I sighed, realizing we could go back and forth like that all day. “Look,” I said. “I’m gonna put my cards on the table. I think I can restore the status quo.”

  “Which status quo? The first status quo or the second status quo?”

  Excellent question, although I was a little flummoxed by it. “How many status quos are we up to now?”

  “There was the first status quo where all the other gods were on Olympus and me and Persephone were stuck down here. Then there was the second status quo where most of us eventually fucked off. Then, I guess, there’s the third status quo where, thanks to Prometheus, we’re more or less back to the first status quo.”

  I rolled that over in my head, making sure I understood. “I’m talking about the second status quo. The one where you guys went off to a metaphorical Scottsdale, Arizona.”

  “Scottsdale? Why Scottsdale?”

  “Number one destination for retirees. I saw it on CNBC.”

  He shook his head to banish the trivia I’d made him ingest. He had to straighten his iron crown. “Tell me your plan,” he said.

  I inhaled deeply. “I’d rather not do that,” I said. “There’re elements I don’t want known yet. You’re just gonna have to trust me.”

  He smiled, and I noticed his teeth were pointed. “And I should trust the girl who let all the Evil into the world why?”

  I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, cocking my hip. I raised my voice. “Look, do you want to go back to golf three times a week or not?” Stephanie winced. Based on her expression alone, I could tell I’d blown it. I turned back to Hades and he was no longer looking at me. “Okay, I’m sorry I got testy, but I’m just— “

  The god of the dead cut me off, turning to his wife. “Is there a fly in here?” he said. “Do you hear that? Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz…”

  “I’m trying to apologize. It’s just that— “

  Hades raised his volume. “Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz…”

  I raised my own volume to match his. “Oh, that’s real mature. Why can’t we—? “

  Hades raised his volume again. This time, he was screaming, and the tendons stood out on his neck. “Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!”

  I closed my mouth and looked at the two of them. Hades’ eyes were on fire and Stephanie looked both apologetic and sympathetic. I mulled over a few things to say, but I was certain all of them would be met with an even louder round of buzzing. Not knowing what else to do, I turned on my heel and left the hub.

  As I exited into the main chamber, I heard a sound like escaping air. Then I realized it was someone going “pssst” to get my attention. I looked over and saw it was Thanatos, the Greek equivalent of the Grim Reaper. “Oh, hi, Thanatos. I was just— “

  But Thanatos cut me off. Only it wasn’t Thanatos’
voice coming out of Thanatos’ body. It was Stephanie’s voice coming out of Thanatos’ body. I’m embarrassed to say it gave me the willies. “Da fuh?” I said.

  “Relax. It’s me. Steph. What did you want? Maybe I can help.”

  “You’d do that? And risk getting on Hades’ bad side?”

  Stephanie was not only sending her voice through Thanatos, she was also controlling his body. His posture became decidedly more feminine and he gave me a wave of dismissal that was girlish. “I haven’t been on Hades’ good side in centuries. After I fucked off, I went to see him, and he’d shacked up with Antigone. The man has no shame.”

  I looked around to make sure no one was watching us. “Okay, yeah, sure. I need to speak to Connie and Amanda.”

  Thanatos/Stephanie thought for a moment. “I think I can do that. Let me get rid of Hades and then I’ll sneak you into Asphodel. Provided you can assure me you’re not a ticking gas bomb.”

  She was giving me shit. The last time she escorted me into Asphodel, I’d been unwittingly boobytrapped by Medea. “I’m reasonably confident no one’s slipped me another gas mickey.”

  “Fair enough. Give me a minute.” As soon as she said it, she dropped out of Thanatos’ body and Thanatos looked uncharacteristically confused.

  I hung out next to Thanatos for several minutes while I waited for Stephanie to make things happen on the other side of the gate. As the two of us spoke, we could hear a heated discussion from the hub. The clear animosity between the king and queen of the underworld made me think of Connie and Amanda. Based on the shouting, I thought Amanda had it easy by comparison. “So…” I said to Thanatos. “How’s the soul harvesting business?”