Amish Brides of Willow Creek 1-4 Omnibus

by Samantha Jillian Bayarr

  Now, after a week of being here, she’d gotten used to the busy noises of the hospital that never seemed to quiet. The constant bustle that made her aware that someone was always up watching over her had become comforting. She’d felt safe here—protected. Now, the very thought of having to travel by car to Claudia’s house filled her with an uneasiness she just couldn’t shake.

  Her stomach knotted, she dreaded leaving, but she continued to pack the things they’d given her to take home with her. Adam had offered to pick her up, but she was more willing to ride in Claudia’s car than in a buggy for now. She wondered if she would ever be able to ride in a buggy again. The thought of it made her shudder.

  Right on cue, Claudia appeared in the doorway of her hospital room as if magnetized to Miriam’s thoughts. She crossed the room and tucked her into a soft embrace. But for Miriam, who hadn’t welcomed the awkward contact, anxiety and a suffocating feeling ensued.

  Miriam struggled to escape the unnatural embrace Claudia had drawn her into. This was not normal for her—a mother’s solace. There had not been any affection for her—no patience—no love, since her adoptive mother had passed.

  It was something she dearly missed.

  At her mamm’s funeral, she’d flung herself across the primitive, pine box where her mamm lay all-too-silent, begging her mamm not to leave her.

  Daed had scooped her up by her middle and dragged her off, balancing her against his side while she’d kicked and screamed like a squealing piglet. The last thing she’d remembered of that day was being tossed in the back of Daed’s buggy with no one to hold her. The stern look of disapproval over her behavior separated them. There was no comfort for her—only stifled tears. There would be no respite from the pain and solitude that would become her life. It was that day that she’d accepted he wasn’t her real father.

  Claudia let her go and moved to pick up her suitcase. “Did you hear from your brother?”

  “Jah—yes. He is going to be here at the end of the week, but my father is not coming.”

  Claudia patted Miriam’s arm cautiously. “Do they know of your plans to marry Adam?”

  Miriam nodded. “Benjamin is not as stern as my father, and so he is eager to attend the wedding. I didn’t tell him the rest of the story. I figured that was best said in person.”

  She could tell Claudia wasn’t happy with her answer, but she had only agreed to give her decision some added thought.

  “Just because I’m marrying Adam does not mean you will not be able to be a part of the baby’s life. Adam agreed to allow Ray the liberty of seeing the child.”

  Claudia didn’t look convinced.

  “The Amish are a peaceful people. It is what keeps me bound to this life. When I met Ray, I thought I was missing out on something because I never knew my birth-mother, who was an Englischer. I thought I wanted to be like her, but now—” she patted her abdomen. “Now that I’m pregnant, I want to change that for my child. I want to raise my child with Amish values.”

  “I’m trying to understand,” Claudia said. “But I think you can raise your child with those values whether you raise it in an English household or an Amish one. The Amish is in your heart, not in your blood.”

  Miriam hadn’t thought of it that way before. She’d spent the remainder of her childhood after her mamm died struggling to know where she fit in. Though she admired and craved the Amish lifestyle and values, the Englisch blood coursing through her veins seemed to stir up rebellion in her. Because of that, she feared raising her child in an uncontrolled environment away from the rules of the Ordnung.

  “I don’t want my child to repeat the mistakes I have made. I repeated the same pattern as my birth-mother, but I will not give up my child like she did. I’m certain she did what she thought was best for me, but I want to see what making the other choice will do for my child.”

  “But you were raised in an Amish household, and you still became pregnant out of wedlock. How do you think you can change that for your child?”

  Miriam shrugged.

  She didn’t have an answer that was logical. The thing she feared most was dying when the child was young and leaving it behind to fend for itself the way her own mamm had done.

  CHAPTER 9

  Miriam stood in the doorway of the room in which she’d been welcomed to stay. In her mind, the arrangement was only temporary—until the wedding next week. Miriam was eager to get the wedding over with soon—before she began showing her pregnancy.

  Claudia didn’t seem to have the same sense of urgency that Miriam had. She still talked of Miriam working in her gift shop downtown, and had even made open plans for a homecoming dinner for Ray tomorrow evening.

  Miriam wasn’t so certain she was ready to face Ray, but she knew it was inevitable. If she had her way, she’d avoid him indefinitely, but she’d promised his mother that she’d give him the news of the pregnancy, and offer him the option to be a part of the child’s life.

  It would not be easy for her to stifle her feelings, but she’d convinced herself she was doing what was best for her child. She was confused, and very torn between doing what was right, and what she thought was best for her child. Deciding to be unselfish for a change, she opted to consider the best course of action for the child she carried. And that, she felt, was to remain in the Amish community.

  Placing her suitcase on the bed, Miriam picked up a tailor-made, Amish doll tucked in front of the pillows. She turned it over, reading the tag boasting its manufacturer.

  Made in China.

  Miriam understood that Claudia was only trying to make her feel at home, but to her, the doll was nothing short of an insult. It wasn’t authentic. It wasn’t Amish-made. She sat on the edge of the fancy, store-bought quilt that draped the bed in more insult, and stared at the doll in her hands.

  Mamm had taught her how to make dolls when she was only four years old. She and mamm had sewn a doll for each of her twelve cousins the Christmas just before she’d died. Miriam pulled at the taught stitching, ripping it without thinking. She looked up, noticing Claudia standing in the doorway, watching her.

  “Forgive me,” she said holding up the doll. “I didn’t mean to rip it. If you have a needle and thread, I’ll sew it. Or I can make you an authentic one instead.”

  “Authentic?” Claudia repeated.

  “Made by the Amish.”

  She showed Claudia the tag in the back.

  “This one was made in China. Wouldn’t you rather have one made by the Amish?”

  Claudia reached for the doll. “I suppose I never thought about where it was made. I sell them in my store, and I’ve never had anyone complain about it.”

  Miriam chuckled. “You sell those in your store?”

  “Uh-huh, why?”

  “Because I could make them for you, and you could make more money selling authentic Amish-made dolls. The material to make these is very inexpensive.”

  Claudia smiled warmly. “How about if I get you some material, and you can sell them at the store yourself. You can have all the profits from it because they will probably drive in additional business for me if I have authentic Amish-made dolls in my store.”

  “Danki. I could use some money with the baby coming. I can’t expect Adam to take on all the responsibility. Besides, I owe someone some money.”

  Claudia looked as if she wanted Miriam to elaborate on her comments, but she wasn’t willing to say any more than she already had. She’d already said too much.

  She stretched and forced a yawn, hoping the older woman would get the hint.

  Thankfully she did.

  “I’ll leave you to get settled in. Let me know if you need anything. Otherwise, I’ll check in on you after a little while.”

  She shot her an awkward smile and exited the room.

  Miriam knew she’d hurt her feelings, but she needed some alone-time if she was going to rehearse what she would say to Ray when she saw him tomorrow at dinner. Her stomach roiled at the thought of it, but it
was a necessary meeting.

  How had her life suddenly become so complicated?

  In the course of one summer, she’d managed to compromise her virtue, become pregnant, and ended the season by becoming scarred for life. In retrospect, all of it had scarred her for life—not just the physical cut down her face. Her life was never going to be the same.

  She wondered if she could ever love Adam the way she loved Ray. She was so numb from all the physical and emotional pain of the last couple of months, it was a wonder she could even think at all.

  Her thoughts wandered to the first time she’d met Ray. He was so handsome, and Miriam was immediately smitten with him. He’d been so kind and understanding, she couldn’t help but fall for him. No one in the Amish community had understood her except her mamm.

  But Ray understood her.

  He understood the pain she’d suffered when she’d lost her mamm. He even understood her need to find her birth mother. He’d been such a good listener, he’d nearly made her forget her troubles. And when he held her—that was when she’d forgotten everything, including her morals.

  Ray had a way of helping her to understand herself. She trusted him. In fact, she’d trusted him with her innermost secrets. Things she’d never told anyone. Not because it was too secret to tell, but because until she’d met Ray, she’d had no real friends. She’d always had plenty of cousins around, but she could never tell them anything she didn’t want getting back to Daed in some way or another.

  Ray had been an exception. He had been more than a boyfriend. He had been a true friend to her.

  She blew out a heavy sigh.

  How was she going to live without him?

  She hadn’t thought that far ahead.

  Hadn’t thought about it even when she’d risked everything to try to trick Nate into marrying her.

  Now that she’d agreed to marry Adam, she would lose Ray all over again, and it hurt more than she ever thought it could.

  CHAPTER 10

  Miriam trembled when she heard Ray’s truck pull into his mother’s driveway. Panicking, she crossed the room to the mirror above the long dresser and stared at her reflection. The bandage almost looked worse than the wound it covered. He would certainly find her as hideous as she found herself to be.

  Why had she agreed to this meeting so soon?

  She needed more time—more time to heal from the accident. Surely he would understand she just got out of the hospital, wouldn’t he? She moved closer to the mirror, examining the bruises that still surrounded her eye. Though the doctor had removed the stitches because the surgical glue had held the wound closed, the bruising and redness had not gone away, and the swelling still remained. She knew she didn’t want Ray to see the wound on her face until it was healed enough that she could pack a heavy layer of makeup over it.

  For now, she would have to face him with the bandage on.

  From the other room, she could hear muffled voices, and she worried Claudia would tell her son everything before Miriam had a chance to explain. But perhaps it would be easier for her if Claudia paved the way for her—smoothed out some of the lies she’d told. No, that wasn’t fair to Claudia, who’d been just as kind to her as her son had always been.

  Miriam wished she could turn back time.

  Wished she’d never gotten in that buggy with Adam.

  In truth, her mistakes had begun when she’d gone after Nate in a state of panic. If she’d have talked to Ray first, instead of thinking her only choice was to marry an Amish man, she might not be having to face him now in the state she was in.

  Thinking back on her hasty decisions, if she’d had a trusted friend who would have sat with her while she’d waited for the results of the pregnancy test, she might not have acted out of panic. Ray was the closest thing she had to a friend. He probably would have sat there with her and waited. He would have understood. But now, he wasn’t going to understand, or even concern himself with her feelings. He’d said as much when he’d caught her trying to marry Nate.

  Once again, there would be no compassion for Miriam. No love. And no understanding.

  She swallowed down a strangled cry as she looked into her own eyes.

  Eyes that had deceived.

  Eyes that had betrayed.

  Eyes filled with remorse.

  Unfortunately, there would also be no mercy for her now. She would have to face the consequence of her sins, and she would have to face them alone.

  ****

  A light knock sounded at Miriam’s door.

  She pushed at the tears that dampened her eyes and crossed to the bed. Ducking into the quilt, she pulled it over her, hoping she could convince Ray she was sleeping and he would leave her alone. Perhaps his mother had told him everything and she would never have to face him.

  But that wasn’t fair.

  To him—or to the baby.

  She had to stop thinking of herself.

  Ray would certainly reject Miriam, but he wasn’t the type of man to reject his own child. There was no future for her with him, but he had a future with his child, and she owed him that much.

  I need to grow up, she chided herself. I’m about to become a mamm, and I need to put this wee one first.

  She wiped her face of the evidence of defeat and pulled the covers down from her head. She sat up in the bed and breathed in deep. Ready or not, she would face Ray and get it over with.

  Gott, give me strength. Put forgiveness in his heart for me, and let him accept his child.

  “The door is open,” Miriam said with a shaky voice.

  The door opened slowly, and Ray poked his head in cautiously. When his gaze fell upon her, he rushed to the bed and sat beside her, pulling her close to him.

  “I’m so glad you’re okay. If I’d known you were in the hospital, I’d have come to see you sooner. I only just learned of the accident a few minutes ago.”

  He held her out to look at her.

  She was too shocked to say anything.

  He pulled her back against his shoulder.

  “I know I told you I never wanted to see you again, but I didn’t mean it like that. Please forgive me for being so harsh. Don’t be angry with my mother, but she also told me about the baby, and the reason you were going to marry Nate in the first place. But what I don’t understand is why you would agree to marry another Amish man instead of trusting me to take care of you and our baby.”

  Miriam couldn’t answer him.

  She was too busy enjoying the feel of Ray’s arms around her. Oh how she loved him—still. She’d been fooling herself all this time. She couldn’t go through with marrying Adam without it crushing her. She could never love Adam—she loved Ray, and would never stop. Miriam knew if she married Adam, she would forever mourn the loss of this man, whose arms she could never fall into again—not for as long as she lived.

  Miriam began to cry.

  Ray held her closer, stroking her hair the way he used to when she’d talk to him about missing her mamm. It made her feel comforted, loved, but most of all, it made her feel safe.

  Why did Ray have to be so wonderful?

  “I still love you, Miriam. I don’t want you to marry Adam. I want you to marry me.”

  Miriam choked on her tears and hiccupped.

  “Don’t do this, Ray. Don’t make me choose between love and responsibility to my child.”

  Miriam pushed away from him, realizing there was one thing Ray would never understand about her. She was Amish, and he was Englisch, and it would forever separate them.

  CHAPTER 11

  Miriam selfishly allowed Ray to hold her for some minutes before she could bring herself letting him go. She would have to tuck her feelings for him away in her heart, only to bring them out when she was most in danger of making another bad decision.

  Telling herself she could only allot a portion of his love to come through for the sake of their child, was her way of dealing with the loss she would suffer. It was something she would endure for the benefit of
the baby so that he or she would not have to grieve the losses she did. Miriam wished she didn’t have to make such sacrifice, but she would do it for her child. She would make certain this child had the best of both worlds, no matter what it cost her.

  Ray lifted her chin to look at her. This made her feel uncomfortable and awkward.

  “I’d like to see what happened to you, Miriam. Will you remove the bandage?”

  The request caught her off guard. She didn’t want him to see. She didn’t want anyone to see. Wasn’t the humiliation of this moment bad enough without adding rejection when he looked upon her face that would forever be disfigured?

  Her reluctance did not go unnoticed.

  He lifted the back of his hand and stroked her other cheek, warming her skin. “I love you, Miriam, and I don’t want any more secrets between us.”

  What did he mean by that?

  He kissed her forehead ever so gently. He was the kindest man she’d ever met, and here she was rejecting him. He wasn’t rejecting her! What was she thinking? Was it possible that she could trust this man with more than she originally thought?

  She, herself, had no idea what was under the bandage at this point. She hadn’t seen it for several days—the day the doctor pulled the stitches out. It was so red and puffy. She was so discouraged by her appearance that she’d let the nurses change the dressing daily, while she waited impatiently for them to cover it back up. Though a small part of her was curious, a bigger part of her didn’t care if she ever looked into another mirror and looked back at the reflection.

  Resorting to remaining Amish would afford her the opportunity to hide behind a mirror-less society, and she hoped in time she would forget what her own reflection looked like. After some initial shock, the community would get used to seeing the scar on her face, and she would live among a people who would never tease her for her appearance. In the Englisch world, she could never hide such a flawed appearance.

  Giving in to Ray’s gentle curiosity, Miriam tugged at the top of the bandage, peeling it slowly down her face. The white, papery tape pulled at the baby-fine hairs on her cheek, but remarkably, the wound was not as painful as it was. It had been ten days since the accident, and even her nurse had remarked at the significant healing that had taken place in such a short time. Perhaps she would be lucky, and it had miraculously healed and there would be no scar for Ray to witness.