“I cannot believe that you could be so cruel as to keep a secret from me. We have shared all our secrets over the years. Why stop now?”
“You are not going to wear me down with guilt, Libby, so stop trying. I’m not telling you anything about you and Jonas, and that is that.”
“That’s alright, I already know.”
Bethany shook her head at Libby, who was smiling. “You do not, or you wouldn’t be wearing that silly grin on your face.”
“But I do know!”
Bethany sighed. “Then you tell me, because I’m completely lost now.”
“When I passed out yesterday on the ice, I saw Jonas.”
“He was there with you,” Bethany informed her.
“I know that he was with me this time, but I’m talking about when I fell and hit my head.”
“But he wasn’t…”
“I know he wasn’t there that time,” Libby interrupted. “But I saw him and heard him as though he was there. I felt his presence and knew that I loved him, but I only just remembered this yesterday when I passed out. So I know now that we have a past, and that I loved him very much. What I can’t figure out is why we weren’t together the day of my accident.”
Bethany looked out the window feigning interest in the heavily falling snow.
“You know, don’t you?” Libby demanded.
Bethany turned slowly to face her. “Jah, but I…”
“But you promised not to tell,” Libby interrupted.
CHAPTER 19
“You are over-exerting yourself and you need to rest or you will not recover,” the doctor scolded Libby. “Most of your recovery depends on you taking it easy. You need to stop trying to force your memories to come back to you and just wait for them to return on their own. I can’t stress to you enough that you should continue in your normal routines—without the ice skating, and that will help to restore your memories sooner.”
Libby nodded acceptance to the doctor’s orders so he would let her out of the hospital to be an attendant for Bethany’s wedding. It had always been their plan to have a wedding together, but Libby was not ready for marriage yet. She couldn’t be certain if she had ever even considered marriage, though she suddenly found herself daydreaming about it a lot.
“I’ll make certain she takes it easy and sticks to her normal routine as much as possible,” Bethany said.
Libby suddenly wished her mother was there with her, but she’d been unable to make it. She would be moving her things out of Bethany’s home and moving back with her parents, so her mother had needed the extra time to prepare her room. Unsure of how she felt about that, Libby tried to push the worry from her mind and enjoy her time with Jonas.
Logan popped his head in the door of her room just then. “Hey are you decent? I’d like to talk to you.”
Libby nodded. “Jah, come in.”
Bethany excused herself while Jonas moved closer to Libby, ready to give the would-be doctor a final run for his money. If the man wanted to be competition for Libby’s heart, he was going to get competition in return from Jonas. He truly loved Libby, and wasn’t about to lose her again—especially not to an Englischer.
“I see the two of you are cozy as ever,” Logan said with a condescending tone.
With Jonas standing close to the edge of the bed, Libby slipped her hand in his and gave it a squeeze. “We are as happy as ever, and eager for me to get out of here so we can get back to planning our future together.”
Logan opened her chart and browsed, his jaw clenching. “We are waiting on a few of your tests to come back, but I’m certain that if everything comes back normal, I don’t see why your doctor wouldn’t let you out of here as soon as tomorrow.”
“Just in time for the wedding,” Libby said happily.
Logan’s expression fell. “What wedding—surely not your wedding?”
Libby tightened her grip on Jonas’ hand. “Jah, it is. Bethany and I had always planned to have a double wedding, and that is exactly what we are doing. We are all getting married at the same time.”
Logan nodded, defeat showing in his eyes. “My sister and her best friend did the same thing. I suppose that is more of a girl-thing because us men don’t really care about that stuff, am I right, Jonas?”
Logan sounded a bit nervous and desperate, but Jonas suspected it was more about pride and preserving his dignity after what he’d done and the rejection he’d suffered as a result of his actions.
“Normally I might agree with you, Logan,” Jonas offered. “But with my Libby, I don’t take anything for granted anymore, and her life is more important to me than my own, so her needs will always come before my own.”
Logan blew out a heavy sigh. “It seems I have a lot more to learn about life than what I’ve learned from books and school, because I don’t know if I will ever understand that kind of love—the kind of love you have for Libby.”
“Ach, you will meet someone that will become so much a part of you that you won’t know how you ever lived your life without her.”
“I hope you’re right, my friend.”
Logan extended his hand to Jonas, and the two shook hands.
When he left the room, Jonas turned to Libby. “I hope you don’t think because I shook his hand and he called me friend that we are now friends. I could not make friends with a mann who is so selfish and prideful. I hope you know that.”
She squeezed his hand. “I do. It seems he’s finally given up on me. Danki.”
“Ach, I’d do it all over again if it meant I could hold your hand some more.”
Libby smiled shyly, keeping a tight grip on his hand. “You can hold my hand any time you want to.”
Jonas smile back. “I’d like that. But what I would like even more is you getting better so I can take you for a sleigh ride in the snow.”
“And that is the quickest way to my heart, Jonas Graber. Ach, I remembered your last name! I wonder what else I will remember as we spend more time together.”
Jonas could feel his heart slam against his ribcage. He hoped it would take her a little longer to remember the breakup so she could fall in love with him all over again. He knew it was a selfish thought, but he loved her too much to let her go again.
Libby felt satisfied that she’d finally shaken off Logan, and she was delighted that Jonas had asked her for a sleigh ride. She could see the differences in the two men more clearly now, realizing the shallowness of Logan against the kindness and pure intentions of Jonas. He truly seemed to have her best interest at heart, and for that alone she would give him a chance. She certainly hoped he’d meant everything he’d said to Logan. If truth be told, Jonas was easy to love, and she would not deny those feelings in her anymore.
CHAPTER 20
“Why do I feel like I’m moving backward by moving back into my parent’s haus?”
“You worry too much over silly things, Libby. This is progress, and you have to look at it this way. A week ago you would have nothing to do with your familye, and now, you are going to be closer than ever with them.
“Just because I am moving into their haus does not make them any less foreign to me. I must admit I’m a little scared.”
“They are nothing to be afraid of,” Bethany said.
“They are your familye. Your mamm is the kindest woman I know, and without her in my life over the years, I would have felt a very big void. She’s been like a mamm to me just as you have been like a schweschder.”
“What about Levinia? Don’t let her hear you talk like that. It might upset her and feel like she’s been replaced.”
“Ach, Levinia knows how I feel about your mamm.”
Libby looked up from the box she was packing.
“She does? And it doesn’t hurt her feelings?”
Bethany shook her head.
“But Levinia was a mamm to you for your entire life.”
“She knew I needed both,” Bethany said. “That is why she never got after me for spending so much time at yo
ur haus instead of my own.”
Libby stopped packing and crossed the room to look out the window. “I can’t believe you are getting married tomorrow.”
Bethany giggled. “It’s hard for me to believe too.”
Libby stared out at the snow with a sigh. “I always thought we would get married on the same day. It kind of breaks my heart that we won’t be.”
Bethany closed the space between them and pulled her lifelong friend into her arms. “It will happen for you dear schweschder. I promise you it will.”
Libby began to cry. “I’m sorry to break down like this. Please don’t think I’m not happy for you. I just feel so overwhelmed by all of this. I don’t understand why some things I remember as though they were yesterday, but some things have a lot of parts missing.”
“Like what?” Bethany asked. “Maybe I can help fill in some of the gaps.”
“I don’t understand why I can’t remember much about mei own mamm. You would think she would not feel like a stranger to me. I only remember a few small things about her, like the way she loves the crisp smell of the sheets after they have dried on the clothesline, or the fact she shared five generations of cooking secrets with me, and the way she used to brush my hair for hours when I was younger. Adam, I remember the most, but mei vadder might as well be someone I’ve never met before because that is how I feel about him.”
Bethany pulled her tight for a moment and then let her go. “I have a feeling it will all be crowding your mind sooner than you want it to. Just remember what the doctor said and don’t try to push yourself too hard to remember, or the memories could remain lost forever.”
Libby sniffled. “That is what I fear the most. What if they are lost forever? What if I never remember?”
Bethany smiled. “Then you will make new memories with the people who love you most.”
“But that is part of the problem,” Libby complained. “I’m not even certain who I love anymore. Or who I used to love…”
She let her voice trail off as she stared out at the snow. It was the one thing that she was sure of in her life. She loved the snow and everything about winter. Beyond that, she couldn’t’ even be sure of who she was anymore.
Bethany put the remaining few items in Libby’s box and closed the top flaps. “What do you mean?”
“I’m not sure I have the right to love Jonas when I don’t know what role he played in the past. I am certain I must have loved him before because the feelings are so strong, but I just don’t know how long ago it was. I can only assume it was while I was in Nappanee, but for all I know, I was running around with mei cousin pretending to be Liberty the Englischer.”
“Ach, I hardly think Jonas would have taken an interest in you while you were in Nappanee if you had been living as an Englischer.”
Libby sniffled again. “What if I’ve been living a double life? I’ve blocked out most of the time I spent there. What if I did something narrish while I was there?”
Bethany smiled weakly. “Then perhaps it is better if you don’t remember it.”
“I don’t think that’s the right plan for this. I am about to go for a sleigh ride with him tonight, and that could establish us as courting. So if there is something between us that needs to be settled or talked about, it should probably be done before we go, don’t you think?”
“Ach, but what if talking about it ruins everything with him?” Libby continued. “Do you think it’s better if I keep my mouth shut of the subject and don’t speak of it at all?”
Bethany raised an eyebrow. “I think you need to just relax and have fun with Jonas, and see where the night leads you. If you end up courting when the night is through, then what is the harm in that?”
“I suppose you’re right about that. And I certainly don’t want to say or do anything that will drive Jonas away. I really think I love him. He could be the one.”
“Ach, are you sure?” Bethany begged to know.
“Jah,” Libby said with a whimsical smile as she stared out at the snow. She could hardly wait for her first sleigh ride with Jonas.
CHAPTER 21
“Are you certain you want to go for a sleigh ride with Jonas?” her mother asked.
“Jah, why wouldn’t I?”
“I suppose I thought it might be too painful.”
Her mother went back to peeling the apples for a pie. “Never mind. I’ve said too much.”
Libby picked up a firm, red apple and bit into it.
“You haven’t said too much!” she said around a mouthful of apple. “You haven’t said anything at all.”
Sprinkling cinnamon in the bowl of diced apples, the woman tried her best to avoid eye contact with Libby. “Perhaps I should stay out of it, and let you make that decision on your own.”
It doesn’t matter what you say, Libby thought. I won’t take your advice anyway. At least Bethany was happy to hear I was seeing Jonas. If you are really mei mamm, you would be happy for me too.
There had been an awkwardness between them since she’d walked in the door, but now, her comments about Jonas had put a wedge between them. If forced to choose, Libby would choose Jonas over a family of strangers every time.
Libby set the half-eaten apple on the table. “I’m feeling tired. I think I will take a short rest before the meal is finished.”
Disappointment showed on her mother’s face as she shooed her out of the kitchen. “I will come get you when it’s time to eat.”
As Libby dragged her feet up the stairs, she felt guilt tugging at her heart over her conversation with her mother. The woman hadn’t given her much of a choice. She’d backed Libby into a corner with her concerns over her big night with Jonas. This would be a special night for the two of them. It would be the deciding factor in whether they would begin courting or not, and her mother was seemingly trying to put doubts in her mind about Jonas. Libby would have no part of that, even if it meant defying her mother.
Once she was safely in her room with the door closed, she looked around for anything that looked familiar. When she’d packed her few belongings the first time so she could stay with Bethany, she hadn’t been able to identify a single thing in her room that meant anything to her. Had she lived such a dull life here that she had nothing that stood out as special? In the corner of the bureau, her gaze fell on a single, dried rose. Her first thought was to toss it in the trash, but for some strange reason unknown even to herself, she felt a sense of kinship to the dead rosebud.
Drawn to the rose, she went to it to examine it more closely. Picking it up, she closed her eyes and put it to her nose, a hint of fragrance still clinging to it. It had been picked recently, that much she remembered, but from where? Instincts told her it came from a greenhouse, but whose? She pressed it to her nose and breathed in deeply once again, hoping the fragrance would bring back the memory and tell the tale of its presence in her life.
In her mind she could hear faint laughter. Hers, perhaps?
I sell the different flowers to several florists in the area so they have flowers year round, the familiar baritone said.
“Jonas!” she said aloud.
He must have given me the rose when I was in Nappanee.
She breathed in again feeling the softness of lips on hers. Her eyes popped open suddenly, her heart skipping a beat. She hadn’t allowed Logan to kiss her, so that meant only one thing.
Jonas had kissed her!
He kissed me when he gave me the rose.
Her fingers instinctively reached for her lips where they lingered as she remembered a very steamy kiss from Jonas. Why had he kissed her so passionately, yet now they were apart?
Had Jonas broken it off with her and now regretted it? Was that why he pursued her so intently? If so, should she give him another chance? After only a moment of thought, she decided it was worth giving him another chance. She had no idea what really happened between them, unless there had been another woman involved, but Jonas just did not fit that profile. She could already tell he w
as an honorable man, a man most worthy of her love.
Feeling a little tired, Libby tucked the rose in her apron pocket and pulled back the quilt on her bed. She knew she had time to get in a short nap, and she was certainly in need of one. Tucking the quilt over her, she snuggled into the soft bed, sinking into the feather pillow. She was exhausted to say the very least, and would need to rest if she was to enjoy her outing with Jonas.
Libby stared at the ceiling, suddenly unable to sleep. Shivering, she pulled the quilt up to her neck, her finger catching in a tear at the top edge.
Mamm was supposed to fix this for me. I wonder why she didn’t.
Libby sat up suddenly, examining the quilt a little more closely.
She remembered the quilt!
She and her mother had made the quilt when she was only twelve years old. It was her first experience with quilting since she’d been such a tomboy up until then. Funny thing was, even knowing she had made the quilt with her mother didn’t help her to have an emotional attachment like she thought she should.
What was it that had happened to her mind when she’d fallen? Panic gripped her and didn’t want to let go. It was the sort of fear that was accompanied by a feeling of impending doom. Had she misplaced more than her memories? Yes, she had lost her whole life. Not in the physical sense, but mentally, emotionally, and possibly even spiritually.
CHAPTER 22
“Jonas is here,” her mother said quietly from the other side of the door.
Libby opened her bedroom door to greet her mother, hoping it would not end up in a confrontation. She needed peace before she went out with Jonas to set the mood for the evening. She wanted to have some fun for a change, and she wasn’t up for her mother’s condescending remarks about her time with Jonas.
“It’s not too late to change your mind about going out tonight if you’re not up to it.”
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