Skulduggery

by Logan Jacobs

  “The coast is clear,” I announced. “Dar, lead the way.”

  We padded down the hall on near-silent feet as we headed for the heart of the estate.

  Suddenly, we heard muffled voices, and our procession slowed as we approached a set of oak double doors. I peered through the crack and into what appeared to be the owner’s study.

  The thieves were masked, but it was obvious they were confused.

  There were also about thirty of them, and I had no idea how Hagan had been able to recruit so many. I’d guessed he only had ten or so grunts left, so I wondered if he’d recruited some bodies from one of the other Thief Guild’s Branches.

  If that was the case, then this job was really, really big.

  “Where in the bloody hell is it?” a voice hissed, and it was obviously Hagan.

  “We’ve been looking for the crypt for--” another thief who’s voice I didn’t recognize started to say, but then Hagan interrupted him.

  “It’s a switch!” he hissed. “It opens up the secret door that leads down into the crypts. How many times have I fucking told you this?”

  “Sorry, boss,” another one of them said, and they continued to search the study as we observed from the shadowed corner.

  They picked up pillows, moved the furniture, and they even threw books off the shelf. In a few minutes the place was completely ransacked, but Hagan and his boys hadn’t found what they were looking for.

  I almost told Dar and Penny we should turn back, when one of the thief’s jackets snagged on the handle of one of the desks many drawers. His movement pulled the tilted metal knob upward, and there was a slight rumble as the gigantic bookcase behind the men moved aside and revealed a hidden staircase.

  “By a night elf priestess’ tight pussy,” Dar whispered behind me. “I knew there was something fishy about the old halfling’s office, but I could never figure it out.”

  “Go! Go! Go!” Hagan hissed, and one by one the shadowed men sprinted down the stairs of the secret passageway.

  Hagan went third to last, and then Dar, Penny, and I waited for a few moments.

  “How much time do you want to give them befo--” Dar started to whisper, but then his voice cut off when we heard the screams.

  “Someone kill me please,” I heard someone cry out faintly from down the steps.

  “Help! Please you have to help me!” another screamed in the distance.

  My body tensed. I heard their pleading tones as they begged for mercy from their comrades.

  “Magic traps,” Penny whispered behind me. “Very powerful and very deadly magic.”

  “Let’s go.” I pushed the door open and stepped into the office. The space was even bigger than I’d imagined and packed tight with more books than I could ever have hoped to read. The desk was made of an expensive wood I had no name for, but the grains formed illustrious waves across its organized surface.

  “The old halfling always did have a flair for the finer things life has to offer,” Dar told us as he picked up one of the many ornate candlestick holders that filled the room. “I can’t even imagine what he paid for the rug beneath our feet. Such a waste.”

  “You wouldn’t be saying that if you had as much coin as the Greenmores’,” Penny remarked.

  “How about we all just get back to the mission and discuss his frivolous spending habits later,” I suggested.

  I peered down into the cavernous stairwell and listened for more screams. I heard them, but it sounded as if they were a quarter of a mile away.

  “You really want to do this?” Dar said.

  “Who knows what kind of horrible magic is down there,” Penny whispered.

  “Would you guys come with me if I did want to go down there?” I asked.

  They both nodded, and I could see their eyes steel with resolve.

  They were my best friends, and I felt my chest warm when I realized they’d go anywhere with me.

  “Well, we fucking aren’t going to,” I snickered.

  “Whaddaya mean?” Dar asked as he tilted his head.

  “Why the fuck should we go down there and tear through all the booby traps when Hagan is going to just bring the treasure back up here after he gets it?” I asked. “I want to work smarter, not harder. So, let’s kill him and take the treasure when he comes back.”

  “You have a good point,” Penny said, “but what if he doesn’t get it?”

  “Then I don’t care.” I shrugged. “I want him dead. The treasure is a bonus. We’ll give him a few hours. If he doesn’t come back up, then he’s probably dead, and we’ll just close the stairway and call it a night. Then we can go back to making whiskey. What do you say?”

  “I think that’s the second best plan you’ve ever had,” Penny said.

  “Second best?” I asked as I raised an eyebrow.

  “Making the whiskey was your first,” she explained with a smirk.

  “Lookie here,” Dar said as he crouched over one of the overturned trays in the room. “Cigars. Wade, wanna smoke?”

  “Would go good with some whiskey,” I said.

  “Did you bring any?” Dar asked as his eyes opened wide.

  “Of course not,” I sighed. “But let’s light them up while we wait anyway. Penny?”

  “And smell like a fire’s butthole for the rest of the night? No thanks.” She rolled her eyes, skipped over to the back side of the hidden stairwell, and then crouched down so she couldn’t be seen easily by anyone coming up the stairs.

  Dar lit cigars for both of us, and then I pulled one of the chairs from the corner of the office and set it right at the far side of the room so whoever came out of the door first would see me. Dar took a position slightly to the right of Penny so he could also ambush anyone who came out of the stairs, and then we puffed on our smokes and did what every great thief had been trained to do since the beginning of time:

  We waited for the right opportunity to ambush our mark.

  Chapter 22

  It was hard to guess exactly how long we waited, but both Dar and my cigars were almost ashes when we heard Hagan’s angry voice coil up from the staircase like the smoke coming up from our tobacco.

  “Don’t drop that damn chest! I don’t care that your arm is hurt! Stop whining! Do you know what I had to go through to get this opportunity for us? The Guildmaster herself told me to come!”

  The voice grew louder at a steady rate, and I double checked the hand crossbow to make sure the safety pin wasn’t in place. Then I looked over at Penny and Dar. Both of them nodded at me, and then they pulled their daggers.

  I recognized Hagan’s squat form climb up the stairs first, but he was looking over his shoulder and didn’t even pay attention to me sitting in the chair across the room from him.

  The second halfling was carrying a small cherrywood chest, and polished bronze metal accented the edges and lock latch. The lock actually looked to be made out of gold, and the intricate etching on the surface revealed that it was of elven craftsmanship.

  Two more thieves followed the one carrying the chest, and I almost let out a laugh when I realized these were the only people remaining in Hagan’s crew. I also realized I’d made the right decision by not going down the stairs after them. Dar, Penny, and I were good at avoiding traps, but most thieves were, and Hagan’s losses weren’t comforting.

  “What’s in the chest, Hagan?” I asked, and the group of four black garbed thieves turned to me.

  “Wade?” my old boss gasped, but then I pulled the trigger on my crossbow at the exact same moment that Penny and Dar jumped on the group from behind.

  Four things happened at once. First, my bolt took Hagan right in the crotch, and he let out a shriek as his dick was impaled. Second, Penny stabbed one of the thieves in the back and then yanked his head back so he couldn’t squirm away. Third, Dar shanked the thief holding the chest.

  Fourth was a bit of a problem: one of the thieves sprinted around Hagan and dove across the room toward me.

  I dropped my
crossbow and pulled my left dagger out just in time to catch his blade, but then he jump kicked me in the chest, and my chair flipped back.

  I rolled on my right shoulder and then popped up with my other dagger in my hand. Whoever I was fighting seemed as fast as Penny though, and I had to backpedal away from his whirling blades. I caught one of his daggers in mine, but then he scratched the tip of his other weapon across my knuckles. I hissed and pulled away, but then he kicked out at the side of my knee, and my leg went numb instantly.

  “I’ve always ‘won-erred who was da ‘bitter of us,” the voice hissed, and I recognized its pitch and lack of articulation.

  Randar.

  He was a wraith in the blackest of nightmares, and most of the Guild’s members wondered why he hadn’t chosen to join the Assassin’s Guild. Others speculated he had, but his methods were too gruesome even for them. Randar was a killer, and he wore the scars he received proudly from each of his victims who fought against him. The man was so sick occasionally he would have their name tattooed atop the scar as a perverse reminder of the men and women whose lives he had successfully stolen.

  It was also why he was Hagan’s best fighter. The man had no morals and sometimes killed for sport. He was a thief by trade, but a killer by instinct.

  He was also getting old, so my plan was to keep him occupied until Penny and Dar could help me. I knew the three of us could take him out.

  “Looks like we’ll find out,” I growled as I spun my numb leg to the side and rolled away from his daggers.

  “I ‘redteee know da answer,” the halfling hissed as I spun, and I felt a hot sting on my shoulder as one of his points nicked me again.

  I continued my roll and then caught his daggers against mine again. The feeling was coming back into my leg, and it didn’t feel broken, so I risked putting some weight on it and forced my arms to push against his. Randar was much faster than me, but he was still just a halfling, and I was at least twice as strong as he was.

  He pulled back when I pushed, but then he ducked low and darted in toward my injured leg. I’d already recovered enough by then to move, so I was able to wiggle to the side, avoid his twin thrusts, and then stab down at him with both my blades.

  He ducked down and rolled away on his tummy like a dog. I actually hadn’t expected the movement, but Penny had, and she pounced on him like an angry kitten. Dar was attacking him a moment later, but Randar blocked all the dagger swipes with spinning blades.

  The three of us were on him now, and Randar started to get a few cuts on his arms, shoulders, and a wicked one across his cheek that Penny gave him.

  It was obvious we were going to kill him, but the halfling didn’t even offer a surrender. Instead, an evil smile crept over his lips.

  “Tree to take on itttle ‘old me?” he cackled as our blades smacked against each other.

  “Shut up,” Penny huffed as she shoved her point at his eyes.

  “Ya know … ” he started to say. “I ‘nedder liked da bitch. Thought ya too pretty. If I’maaaa gonnn die. Take ‘errr width me.”

  “Shut up, asshole!” Dar’s dagger weaved through Randar’s defenses and stabbed him in the chest, and the older thief groaned.

  Then Penny made her move to cut his throat, but he dodged low and then shoved his own blade deep into the redhead’s stomach.

  “No!” Dar and I screamed together, and then I shoved my dagger through Randar’s ribs and tore his heart into pieces.

  “Ahhh!” Randar’s eyes opened wide, and he made a half-assed swing at me with his other dagger.

  I stepped close to knock it out of his hand, and then his eyes fixed on mine as blood poured from his mouth.

  “I always wan-ahh-teed to shove my prick up into her stomach! Now I did. Ha! Your bitch dies, Wade.”

  “You first,” I snarled, and then I shoved the tip of my left dagger into his eye socket and ended him.

  Then I pulled the dagger out of his face, turned to my right, and caught Penny before she could tip over.

  “Wade … ” she whispered as her green eyes blinked at me.

  “Shit,” I hissed as I looked at the dagger stuck in her lean tummy.

  “Never been stabbed before,” she whined as she reached for the hilt of the blade.

  “Leave it in!” Dar hissed. “You’ll do more damage if you pull it out.”

  “Hurts,” Penny sighed.

  “It’s going to be okay,” I whispered as I pulled her fingers from the grip of the weapon embedded in her stomach. “Just don’t move. I know what to do. We have to get you back to the theatre.”

  “So far,” she sighed as she closed her eyes.

  “Hey!” I growled at her. “Don’t close your eyes! Look at me!”

  “Okay,” she muttered as her eyes opened again. “They are chocolatey. I love chocolate. Ahhh, Wade.”

  “What do we do?” Dar asked. “The elves won’t heal--”

  “Grab the chest,” I ordered him.

  “Got it,” he said as he moved over to get the loot. “What about Hagan?”

  I looked over and saw the halfling thief boss was still squirming on the ground and hissing at the bolt stuck in his crotch. He seemed to realize we were all staring at him, and he shifted his eyes toward us.

  “Fucking cunts!” he growled. “I gave ya three everything! This is how you repay me? I’m going to murder the lot of ya and--”

  “I’m going to kill him,” I said as I carefully picked Penny up in my arms and stepped toward him.

  “What?” Hagan gasped when he suddenly seemed to realize the reality of the situation. “No. Wade. Listen. I spoke wrong. Angry I was. We can work this--”

  My boot caught him in the face, and his words were lost when a half dozen of his teeth flew out of his mouth.

  “Waaaaddd!” Hagan gasped, but then I kicked him again as I balanced Penny against my chest so the dagger didn’t cut up her belly any more.

  Then I kicked the asshole again.

  My kicks turned into stomps until his skull cracked open like a summer watermelon.

  Then Hagan was no more, and the three of us stared down at the mess of his brain.

  “Wade?” Penny pleaded.

  “Right, sorry,” I said as I turned toward the door. “Dar, get the ches--”

  “Got it!” my friend called, and the two of us ran out of the office and toward the front of the mansion.

  “We aren’t going to be able to climb the wall,” I said as we ran through the dark hallways. “We need to get out through the front gate.”

  “How though?” Dar huffed as he swung the chest onto his other shoulder. “There are going to be guards there. Maybe even members of the Guild.”

  “The lantern,” I said as I nodded to one hanging on the wall beside a door we’d just ran past. “Light it and--”

  “Got it,” Dar set down the chest, jumped up, grabbed the lantern, pulled a match from his pocket, and had the wick going in a handful of seconds.

  Then he swung it over his head like a dead cat and tossed it down the hallway toward where the office was.

  The lamp was half brass and half glass. It cracked as soon as it hit the carpet twenty feet from us, and then the oil and flames began to spread.

  “Let’s go,” I said, and Dar grunted as he grabbed the chest.

  Then we made it to the front door of the mansion, and I held Penny up close to my chest as I poked my head out. I didn’t see any guards, so I clicked my tongue twice and then darted across the courtyard with Penny in my arms and Dar on my heels.

  “Wade,” Penny sighed. “My stomach hurts.”

  “I know,” I whispered. “Just hold on a little longer.”

  “Just leave me,” she said in my ear. “Gut wound. I’m not going to live through the night.”

  “Shut up,” I hissed at her under my breath.

  Then we were in place, and I turned and nodded to Dar.

  “Fire!” he screamed at the top of his lungs. “Fire in the mansion! By the ancients!
Someone help!”

  Voices echoed across the walls, and I crouched down lower in the hedges with Penny in my arms. Her warm blood leaked over my chest, and her breathing was pained and ragged in my ear.

  Guards ran down from the wall and the gate, and then they sprinted toward the front door of the mansion. A few of the windows showed a faint orange glow, and I guessed the fire had spread through most of the first floor.

  “I think that’s all of them,” Dar whispered to me.

  Then we ran out through the gate, made a sharp left, and found our cart right where we had left it.

  Dar threw the chest in the back first, and then he jumped in the driver’s seat while I laid Penny down in the flat bed.

  “I’ll go as fast as I can,” Dar said. “But where?”

  “You can’t go to the elven priestesses,” Penny coughed, and her teeth were stained with blood. “Even if you gave them a bunch of gold to heal me. They would report us to the guards, and they might not even do the job because we are human. I told you that you should have left me.”

  “And I told you to shut up,” I growled at her as I squeezed her bloody hand. Then I turned to Dar. “Go to the theater. Cimarra will help us.”

  “What?” Penny coughed. “She won’t help me, Wade. Don’t you get it?”

  “I thought I told you to be quiet?” I sighed as I leaned down so I could whisper close to her face. “I’m not leaving you, and I’m not going to let you die. Understand?”

  Penny’s green eyes blinked a few times as she stared at me, and they still glittered, even in the darkness of the night.

  “Okay,” she sighed.

  Then Dar cracked the reins of the horses, and we sped down the hill toward the city.

  Chapter 23

  Dar managed to drive the cart on the edge of “too bumpy for Penny,” and “not fast enough” the entire ride back to the city, but my friend still apologized every time there was a bump that caused Penny to gasp.

  We had to wrap around the backside of the city so we could go through the Entertainment District gate, but that really didn’t cost us much time since we didn’t have to drive the cart through the streets, and the guards at the gate just waved us through without much of a care.