She scowled. “Only awkward in that I had to go to work and see his face larger than life on every frigging television in the place. They’re lucky I didn’t throw something through the screen.” Then she smiled. “Of course, once they won, everyone in town hated him too. That was nice.”
She seemed to be harbouring a ton of hostility. “Did you want to talk about all this shit? You know, get it off your chest.” Then I made the mistake of looking down at her chest. Under her denim shirt, I could remember exactly what Kelly looked like naked.
“No. Reliving what happened is the last thing I want to do.”
“Okay. How’s work going?”
“It’s fantastic.” She brightened up immediately. “I have an amazing boss. Right now I’m working in the sales department. I bribe my way into client presentations by doing everyone’s expense reports.”
“That doesn’t sound right,” I said.
“Silly Phil. Once you hand over your expense reports, I own you. I know exactly what the guys have been doing—where and when and if they’re legitimately working. I learnt that back in my radio days.”
I laughed. Working Kelly seemed a lot tougher than I expected.
“At least you’re getting paid. I know a few interns who are working for free.”
“I’m lucky. It’s a great job and the salary isn’t terrible.”
“Maybe you could afford a new apartment.”
“And leave my beloved dungeon? Besides, I racked up a few debts, and I need to save up.”
“You’ve changed a lot,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve grown up a lot. It’s strange, I’ve known you for so long and now I feel like I need to get to know you all over again.”
She shrugged. “Essentially, I’m still the same person. I’m not as childish and naïve.”
I reached across and held her hand. She twitched once, but left her hand there. “Childlike is good though. Don’t lose that.”
She smiled at me. Things between us would take time, but I was cautiously optimistic.
45
Holding Pattern
Phil
* * *
“Hey Phil, come on in,” Ben held the door open and took a quick look behind me. Their townhouse was always spotless, and now it was full of delicious dinner smells. “Great to see you. How’s everything?”
“Good, things are getting under control at work these days, so it’s not quite as crazy.” I was getting the occasional weekend off which was great.
“Yeah, I’ve driven by the site a few times. Looks good.”
April appeared and gave me a hug. “Where’s Kelly?”
“She got caught in traffic on the way back from Whistler, so she’ll get here as soon as she can.”
“Whistler? What’s she doing up there?” Ben wondered.
“Canucks rookie training camp.”
We all went to the kitchen. Ben passed me a beer while April chopped parsley. I could see an elaborate dinner was all set to go. Marriage had changed both of them—for the better. Ben had always been confident in his school and work life, but now he had a personal self-assurance as well. He had landed the girl of his dreams, and that had made him very happy. And April, who could sometimes be a little competitive and bossy, seemed more relaxed now. I suspected that it was the security of Ben’s love and his family wealth. I had always liked both of them, but these days their place seemed to be my second home. The fact that Kelly loved coming over helped as well.
“Well, this is a perfect opportunity to talk to you alone—about your relationship,” April declared.
I groaned and Ben made some warning noises, but April looked determined. “How is everything going between the two of you?”
“Is it asking too much to decompress from work before the personal inquisition?” I asked.
“Yes,” she replied. “Because Kelly could be here anytime, and I’m worried about her. I thought once you two started dating that she’d snap out of her—” April paused and frowned at me. “I don’t even know what to call it. It’s not like she’s depressed or anything. She’s just not herself. She was always so positive and energetic, and now she seems muted. Not unhappy, but not happy either.”
I nodded. It was something I thought about every day. We’d been going out for four months. We did normal dating things, but we weren’t having sex yet or even making out too much. She seemed so fragile that I didn’t want to push her. I knew she was working really hard, and I was glad she had a good job. But it wasn’t that hard to balance a normal social life too.
April was still watching me. “And you’re not that ecstatic either, despite the fact that you’ve finally landed your dream girl. I hope Kelly was kidding when she commented that waiting until marriage worked out so well for Ben and me.”
I almost spit out my beer. Kelly was such a commitment-phobe that waiting for marriage could take years. I didn’t think I could go years without sex, especially since I found Kelly so attractive.
Now April had a knowing smile on her face. “Aha! I suspected that sex was the problem. Both of you have the most self-satisfied expressions when you’re going at it hot and heavy.”
“It’s not about sex,” I protested. “It’s about trust. Kelly doesn’t seem to be able to relax and be in a relationship.”
“I know. She’s not the same, and I blame that stupid hockey player. He’s a liar and a cheater, and I wish I could get five minutes alone with him. With a hockey stick!” She growled in exasperation. Having a few minutes alone with the asshole was high on my fantasy list as well.
Ben sighed and went out to start the barbeque. It was clearly something that April had talked about before.
“It’s been long enough,” April declared. “There’s a break-up recovery formula you know. One month for every year you’ve gone out. They didn’t even go out for a year, and it’s been over four months since she came back.”
“Kelly feels things more intensely than other people. She’s more trusting.”
“What about you?” April asked.
I wanted Kelly to be happy, and I was content to let her set the pace. I firmly believed that 70% of Kelly was better than 100% of anyone else. “I can wait,” I replied. “I’m willing to give her as much time as she needs.”
“But isn’t the clock ticking on your end?”
“Yeah, eventually I’ll be moving back to Calgary.”
“And since your project is housing for the 2010 Olympics, I assume you’ll be moving by next February. That’s just over six months. If you need to lock this thing with Kelly down.”
“April, why are you lecturing me? Of course I’d like things to be normal with Kelly. But it’s not up to me. She asked me not to pressure her, and I’m honouring that. I think that’s what Frechette did, and look how that turned out. Why don’t you take this up with Kelly? She’s your best friend.”
April made a face at me. “I have—numerous times. But she puts up this wall. She’ll be nodding and agreeing, but I know she’s not really listening to me. Ben thinks I’m meddling, but I can honestly see that she’s not really happy. Kelly normally enjoys life so much, and it’s so frustrating to see her like this.”
I nodded in agreement. At first, I assumed that time would fix everything, but while Kelly was a lot happier these days, she still wasn’t the same. Her enthusiasm and energy levels were low.
“What about hockey? That always makes her happy. Can’t she play hockey with you?”
“It’s not on right now. We’ve done a few drop-in sessions. And Hoff has her signed up to play with us in the fall.”
There was a knock on the door and then Kelly walked in. She greeted us with hugs and a huge smile. She was the opposite of the sad waif we’d been describing. I put my arm around her and realized that anyone would think we were a normal couple—but we weren’t.
Kelly ate tortilla chips and drank her mineral water. “I had the best day. We interviewed a bunch of the rookies.
And guess what? Betty is getting me to do all the hockey video for our website. It’s more scripted, but it’ll get me trained for live interviews. I have to try to be funny though. That’s challenging.”
“Be yourself,” I reassured her. “You’re charming enough.”
She beamed up at me, and I felt a stirring of emotion inside. I loved Kelly, and it was frustrating not to be able to tell her. April was watching us, and she had a maternal smile on her face. It was funny how we all wanted to help Kelly, even though she treasured her independence.
The dinner was great and afterwards we played board games. It was the kind of evening I would have mocked a few years ago but now seemed perfect. Maybe I was getting boring, but after a long day at work, kicking back and doing low-key things was perfect.
Still, I couldn’t help but feel regretful as we left Ben and April, who were so blissfully into each other, and headed out for yet another night of separate bedrooms.
It occurred to me that we were all tiptoeing around Kelly’s feelings. None of us wanted to upset her and turn her back into the emotional zombie she had been when she got back from Chicago. Maybe if her parents were here to talk sense to her, things would be different. I knew I didn’t want to lose her, but I was starting to wonder if Emily was right when she predicted that the rebound guy would never get Kelly. If I insisted that we take things to the next level, would she turf me and then move on? But this wasn’t just about sex—it was about trust. If Kelly didn’t trust me enough by now, what was it going to take?
We got into my car. Before I turned on the ignition, I looked over at Kelly.
“I was wondering…would you like to stay over at my place tonight?”
Her eyes widened, and she didn’t say a word. Well, at least she was thinking about it and not saying no immediately.
“Um, I’m kind of tired,” Kelly finally replied.
“Kel, you know you can depend on me, right?”
She leaned over and kissed me—but on the cheek. “I know that. I’m really just tired. Maybe another time.”
The barrier was back between us. What would it take to bring it down?
46
Emily’s Quest
I was working on a research project for Betty that had stretched into the early Friday evening. But I was ready to pull an all-nighter to get this done. Phil had Saturday off, and we had talked about doing a really long hike, maybe the Lions or Panorama Ridge. I was looking forward to that.
I had a bunch of binders spread out on the table in the small boardroom, when there was a knock on the half-open door.
Anders stuck his head in. “Hey, Kelly. I ran into this lady at the front desk. She was looking for you.”
I got up. “Thanks, I’ll go and see—”
Then Emily Campbell pushed the door wide open. “Hi Kelly. I hope you don’t mind that I came right in.” She turned to thank Anders, and then closed the door behind her.
Sheeit. I had no idea why Emily wanted to see me, but it wasn’t going to be a love-fest. From what Phil had said, she still wanted to date him when I had come along. Luckily there was a boardroom window so that anyone in the bullpen could see us. I was pretty sure that I could take Emily, but she struck me more as the armed and dangerous type. Maybe she had borrowed Exhibit A from her latest murder trial.
“How are you?” she began politely. She was wearing a navy suit and white blouse. Her clothes looked corporate and intimidating.
“I’m good. How are you?” I pushed a stack of papers aside and straightened out my shirt. My clothes looked corporate and wrinkled.
“Fine. I’m sure you’re surprised to see me, so I’ll get right to the point.” She leaned back in her chair and linked her fingers together. It was a masterful pause. “I saw Phil the other day. We ran into each other on the street.”
“Really?” Phil hadn’t mentioned this to me, but why would he?
“Kelly, if you saw a diamond lying on the sidewalk, what would you do?”
Was this some kind of trick? I closed one eye. “Pick it up?”
“Exactly!” she said. I felt bizarrely proud, like a dog that had accidentally performed a trick. Emily continued, “No one would ever walk by and leave something so valuable lying there, would they?”
I shook my head, but luckily I had no tail to wag.
“Then why on earth are you not dating Phil?”
“Phil and I see each other all the time—we’re friends.”
“Friends. I assume you’re holding him off because you’re still ‘heart-broken….’” She made air quotes here. “…from your big break-up with James Frechette.”
“Look, Emily, I don’t see how my relationships are your business.”
“It’s a matter of algebra, or perhaps logic. A loves B. But B loves C. Now the question is, who does C love? Does she love some stupid jock who obviously wasn’t good enough, or is she smart enough to see the diamond in front of her?”
I waited. Her voice had lost its confident tone and now had an undertone of real emotion.
Emily’s eyes were glistening. “I thought when he got back with you he’d be happy, but he’s not. I could see that the moment I laid eyes on him. And because I still love him, I’m putting myself out. I figured I could talk some sense into the person who can make him happy. What excuse do you have for neglecting Phil?”
“I, uh, I don’t know.” While I initially felt like booting Emily’s expensively-clad ass out of the boardroom, now I was struck by the fact that she cared so much for Phil that she came to see me—someone she probably despised—to plead his case.
And she was right. He had been nothing but patient and understanding. In return, I had given him my company but not the rest of myself. I still spent way too much time moping and remembering.
“Well, I’ve dealt with a fair number of abuse victims—” Emily began.
“What? I am not an abuse victim.” Holy crap, it was one thing to be a little wary after breaking up with someone and another to be typed as a victim.
She held up a hand. “I am not saying that you are. I only wanted to say that people react to a bad situation in different ways. Some people see it as a lesson, and move on to better things. Other people keep perpetuating the problem. It’s wrong to take the blame for what happened and keep on punishing yourself.”
“I’m not punishing myself. You know, Emily, we hardly know each other.”
“I realize that. But life is short—I see everyday how crappy things randomly happen to good people. Carpe diem.”
She paused and watched my reaction. I understood exactly what she meant. She decided that more arguments would be overkill, then got up and left without another word. As she walked away, I noticed that two of the guys in the bullpen were watching her. Emily was an attractive, confident woman. Phil would have been better off with her.
I tried to keep working, but my mind was racing. Emily was right about the way I’d been treating Phil. We’d reached a point where he was afraid to push me because I was acting like a victim. Nobody was happy. I wasn’t happy, and I was holding Phil back from being happy. We’d been dating and fooling around a little, but we hadn’t had sex yet. Phil had made a few overtures, but I felt like Jimmy had left this body shadow on me. I was worried that when I had sex I’d be reminded of him again. What if I called out the wrong name at the crucial moment? Maybe it would be better if I could have sex with someone unimportant and figure out if I was okay, and then have sex with Phil.
However, even the most understanding of guys would not be into that. There was only one honourable thing to do. I had to set Phil free. Who knew when I was going to be a whole person again? It was taking far too long.
I managed to get my project done and left it on Betty’s desk. When I got home, Gino greeted me hungrily, so I fed him, and then collapsed on the couch. I was feeling too emotionally drained to make my own meal.
A knock on the door startled me. I opened it, and Phil was standing there. It had started raining, and h
is black jacket was slightly splattered.
“Come in,” I said, opening up the door.
“I was driving by on the way home from work, and I saw your light was on.” He gave me a tired smile. “Did you have dinner yet?”
“Um, not yet. But it’s good you came by anyway.”
“Oh yeah?” He shed his coat and walked over to the fridge. He’d been stocking it with beer himself, since I kept forgetting. Another girlfriend fail. He popped the cap and stretched out on the couch. “I had a crap day. It’s nice to end it with you.”
What would be really cheering would be ending the day in bed with a real girlfriend. Really, everything was pointing to us breaking up, if you can call it breaking up when you weren’t really going out in the first place. I went over to sit beside him, and he stretched his arm out and pulled me closer.
“Seriously, seeing you is the best thing that’s happened to me since six this morning.” He smiled, and I saw the shadows under his eyes. Why wasn’t I the one who noticed how tired and unhappy he was?
He took a pull of his beer, and I watched the muscles in his neck flexing. Phil made everything he did attractive. And then the cat jumped up between us. Phil scratched Gino’s head with the bottom of the beer bottle, which was adorable. Phil was the perfect guy in so many ways, and he deserved to be appreciated fully.
“I don’t think it’s fair for me to keep seeing you,” I blurted.
“What are you talking about?”
“Our relationship is on hold. I can’t go forward, and I’m holding you back.”
“Don’t you think it’s time you moved on? It’s been months now.”
I nodded. “Yeah, it’s time. But I haven’t yet, so that’s why I think you’re the one who should move on.”
Phil put down his beer and shifted to face me. There wasn’t room for Gino, so he jumped off in a huff. Phil clasped my hands in his warm ones. “Kel, I told you—I want to be with you, and I’ll do whatever it takes. If that means waiting, so be it. What we have is fine for now.”
Hockey Is My Boyfriend: Part Three Page 41
