“But you’re not happy—”
“What makes you think I’m not happy?”
If I said that Emily told me so, I’d sound like a five-year old. But it was true; he didn’t laugh as much or seem as relaxed as usual. And his face looked so drawn. “Are you happy?” I countered.
“I’m not unhappy. Of course I’d be a lot happier if we were going out for real.” Yeah, like with sex and everything. We were doing a kind of Victorian dating.
“But I don’t know when that’ll be. I don’t want you waiting around for me.”
He released my hands, and his posture stiffened. His face had a wary expression. “Is that what this is all about? It’s really me that you don’t want.”
“No! Phil, it’s not that. It’s me, not you.”
“Yeah, I think I’ve used that line myself. Fine, Kel. If you want to be free, I can’t force you go out with me. I tried to give you all the time and space you wanted, but whatever. Once more, I guess I’m your second choice, but this time you’d rather be alone.”
“It’s not like that,” I said miserably, but he was already heading for the door. What else could I say? I couldn’t be a real girlfriend because I was so screwed up.
“Bye.” He put on his jacket and looked back at me. His hazel eyes met mine, and while his mouth was a straight line. I could read something else there—some kind of conflict. His expression was the exactly same as when he’d broken up with me—almost a year ago. A realization hit me. Phil had told me he didn’t care anymore, but his face had said the opposite: I still love you, Kelly. Stop me. Tell me I’m wrong and you care too.
I looked up, but Phil was already gone.
What if I’d known that a year ago? Would I have still gone to Chicago? And how did I feel now?
Shit, I felt like the air had been sucked out of the room. Was I insane? Phil was everything to me right now. Sure, I loved my new job, but every other good thing was due to him. He had taken me hiking and biking, danced with me at crazy indie concerts, and found every decent ethnic restaurant within my budget. He was the one who listened to me enthuse about work and understood when I was down. I’d been taking him for granted—as usual.
I ran outside. It was pouring rain now. Phil’s SUV was pulling away, and I called out, but of course he couldn’t hear me. I booted it over and slammed my hand on the side door. Startled, Phil braked and peered at me. He lowered the window.
“What is it?”
“I was wrong. I do want to go out with you—only you. I’ll be better, I promise.”
He frowned. “Okay. Let me park again, and I’ll come back inside.”
I waited on the sidewalk. I realized my feet were bare, I was getting soaked, and my crabby landlady was peeping at us through the blinds. Phil walked around the car.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
I nodded vigourously. “Totally.”
“Let’s not stand out here then.”
Mrs. Cameron was watching us the whole time. “Does she always do that?” Phil asked as we walked back.
“I don’t know. You’re the only guy who comes here. She doesn’t spy on my girlfriends. Maybe she likes you.” My landlady looked like a pudding with eyes.
He smiled. “See, Kelly, I have options.”
He sat down on the couch, and this time I scooted up right next to him.
“Are you sure of what you want?” He didn’t look happy. In fact, he looked more puzzled than anything.
“Yes. As soon as you left, it was like everything good went out of the room—and my life.”
He looked at me in wonder. “Really? Because that’s exactly how I felt when you left.”
“Phil, you’ve been so patient. I think I need to push my limits.” I had made sex into this big deal because it was entwined with everything that had gone wrong with Jimmy. But sex should be a natural part of a relationship.
“That doesn’t sound right. I don’t want to force things. What’s gotten into you tonight?”
“Honestly, it’s too easy to hang out with you. We could go on like this for ages, because everything is so nice. But we both need more—the highs and lows that come with an actual relationship. And, uh, sex.” My voice broke on the last word.
He rolled his eyes. “That sounds like the voice of a mature, decided woman.”
I pouted. “It’s easier for me to show you than talk about it.”
A familiar shit-eating grin appeared on his face. “Then show me.” He stretched out his arms and leaned back on the couch. He looked pretty hot, with his hair slightly long and pushed back from his face, his shirt sleeves rolled up over his tanned forearms, and his confident demeanour.
I climbed onto his lap and plastered myself against him. I kissed the side of his face, his throat, his jawline, and then up to his mouth. He put one hand in my hair and tilted my face towards his. He kissed me hard, with his mouth open and his whole focus on me. This wasn’t like the sweet kisses we’d been having, this was a kiss full of yearning and need. As I kissed him back I felt a wonderful jolt of desire rocketing through me. I was back to normal! All I needed to do was try.
We kept kissing until I felt like my entire apartment was steaming up. I came up for air and noticed that my wet t-shirt had left a damp mark on his shirt.
“Sorry,” I muttered, unbuttoning his shirt. I pulled it open, looked at his smooth chest and smiled.
“It’s not healthy to sit around in wet clothes,” Phil said. He pulled off my t-shirt and then my yoga pants. I realized I had on my work underwear, which was a nude bra and black granny panties. Hardly an outfit made for seduction.
Phil’s eyes widened. “God, you’re so beautiful, Kel.”
Those words were so comforting to me. It was stupid, but knowing I looked good to him as I was—wet hair, hardly any makeup, and nothing fancy on—was wonderful.
I pulled his shirt off. Phil’s body was lean and muscular, and I ran my hands over his firm abs. His hands were busy too, running down my back and cupping my ass. I unzipped his pants and opened them up. The prominent bulge in his boxer briefs made me feel a little breathless with anticipation. I moved down and breathed hot on him, then kissed his cock through the fabric.
“Oh fuck,” Phil groaned. He unsnapped my bra, pulled me back onto his lap, and took one nipple in his mouth and sucking it to a hard point. Then he worked on the other. I was already so turned on, and I couldn’t even remember why I’d hesitated.
“You know the best thing about my apartment?” I asked, as I pulled his boxer briefs down to his thighs.
“You’re in it?” Phil guessed, as he helped me by shucking off his pants and underwear in one graceful motion.
I laughed. “No. It’s that the bedroom is right here.” I motioned to my single bed. Phil stood, picked me up, and laid me down on the bed. He pulled off my thong and we were both completely naked. Then he lay beside me. There wasn’t enough room, but it was almost better that way, so we could be completely intertwined.
Phil kissed me, his mouth hungry and urgent. “God, being with you all this time—I’ve wanted you so badly.” He kept running his hands all over me, almost reverently. Sex with Phil was completely different—his touch was so confident and magical.
Then I realized that this time I was the one who needed to give the health reassurances. Sleeping with an NHL hockey player was far more risky than sleeping with a conservative lawyer. “I’m fine, health-wise. I’ve been tested,” I told him.
Phil stared at me. “Yeah, me too. Do you want me to wear a condom?”
That was kind of a commitment question. “Um, if you want.”
He grabbed his pants and pulled out a condom. For some reason that made me a little sad, but it was the smart thing to do.
“Okay, where were we?” Phil asked. He kissed me on the mouth and then kissed the side of my neck.
“I think we were going to, you know, do it.” I could not wait. I squeezed his ass, spread my legs, and rubbed up against him.
“Fuck, yeah.” Phil groaned and steered the tip of his erect cock into me. I was wet, but I needed to be really wet for Phil’s girth. I wriggled a little and tried to spread my legs wider. “You okay, Kel?”
“Yeah, it feels good. I just have to get used to you.” I saw a little smirk on his face, and I laughed. I had inadvertently revealed something I shouldn’t have. The laughing relaxed me more, and Phil went fully into me. Then all I could was concentrate on the sensations, his cock inside me felt amazing. I had almost forgotten how good sex was when it wasn’t wrapped up in all kinds of anxiety.
“Oh yes, fuck me,” I cried out, and pushed hard to meet his thrusts. Phil kept changing speeds and driving into me from different angles. It felt incredible. I had this sensation of this being like our first time all over again. Everything felt new and different. It was good—so good—and I started to come. My noises seemed to turn Phil on even more, and he came too.
We lay there afterwards, limp and sweaty.
“Sorry, Kel,” he said.
“Why?” I pushed my hair off my face and tried to lie on my back, but there was no room. I settled for half-lying on top of Phil.
“Well, that didn’t last too long. I’ve wanted you so badly, and it felt so good—I couldn’t hold back.”
I snorted in my classy way. “I came, so we’re good.”
Phil laughed loudly. “That is so you.” Then he leaned his forehead against mine.
“I love you, Kel.”
Oh, shit.
47
Rollercoaster of Love
Phil
* * *
Joy was coursing through my body. Finally Kelly and I were back for real and having sex again. All I could think about was good it felt to be inside her, we were joined in every way. The sex was incredible, and I came way too soon. I remembered that, way back, I had promised her amazing, mature sex and instead delivered something more like a horny teenaged boy.
I apologized to Kelly, but she only laughed. “I came, so we’re good.”
This was one of the million reasons I loved being with her. She was so relaxed and natural in bed. For her, sex was never a manipulative game, it was physical and expressive. I had no idea what triggered this reunion, but I should have known that Kelly’s decision to get back together would be sudden and impulsive.
Again I felt the happiness inside me, and I let it bubble up.
“I love you, Kel.”
There was an almost audible snap in the room as the whole mood changed. Kelly went from a state of happy relaxation to panic. I could feel her body go rigid in my arms, and she muttered something into my collarbone that sounded more like cursing than “I love you, too.”
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Uh yeah, fine. I’m kind of hungry though. Do you want to order a pizza?” She tried to untangle herself from me, but luckily her tiny bed meant our body parts were a complete jumble.
“Stop.” I pulled Kelly back against me. I hadn’t pressured her before, but at this moment it seemed like we were on the precipice of something big. We could go back to her safe, scared place, or we could move on to something new and huge.
“Kel, I can feel your heart, it’s like a hummingbird. What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. I feel like we’re going too fast. I mean, sex is one thing—one big thing, sure—but the other stuff, no way. It’s too soon.”
“I think it’s more than that. Haven’t I shown you that I’m not going to hurt you?” Like he did. Frechette had really done a number on Kelly, and maybe it was time that we got into what happened. I respected her boundaries, and Kelly wasn’t exactly a big sharer to begin with. But we needed to get by the huge fucking roadblock that was stopping us from having a real relationship.
Kelly spoke into my chest, her breath soft and warm. “Do you think that’s what’s wrong with me? That I’m afraid?”
“I don’t know. I’m happy that we’re back together, but things aren’t the same. You used to be so affectionate and spontaneous. Now it feels like you’re holding back, keeping yourself in control.”
“I thought that was good. It proves I’m growing up and not being such a goofball.”
“It’s probably good at work, but when you’re with me—I want you to be yourself. To know that you can say or do anything.”
“I don’t want to talk about the bad stuff.” That was classic Kelly. She pushed away from me and created a physical separation between us. Yet again I cursed the asshole. I had never hated anyone in my life until him. This was a delicate moment though, so I pushed down my anger and tried to speak calmly.
“We need to talk, Kel. You can’t keep everything locked up inside. I want to help you, like you helped me when my mom was sick. Let me in.”
She nodded. I could almost hear her thinking about this.
“I do kinda want to talk….” Her voice trailed off. Maybe she didn’t even know how.
I reached out and held her hand. “When I was really small, I used to talk to this stuffed bear I had. His name was Edward. At night, I told him all my worries. And you know what? In the morning they were gone.”
She laughed a little. “So, you’re offering to be my teddy bear?”
“Yeah. “ I kissed her hand. “Oh yeah, you have to hold on to your bear as you talk. That’s how the magic works.”
She lay back down and rested her head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her.
“I don’t know where to start.”
“What do you think you’re afraid of?”
She was quiet for so long that I took a look to make sure she was awake.
“Love,” she said finally.
I waited, holding her even closer to me.
Finally she continued, and every word was an effort. “I want to be in love with you. But I’m afraid.”
“You don’t have to be afraid of me, Kel. I’ve been with enough women to get how special you are, and I’d never cheat on you. Besides, we’ve been friends for years. And I’ve loved you forever.”
“I know all that.” Her voice kept getting smaller. “But it’s me I’m afraid of. When I’m in love, I want to be a good girlfriend. I want to give you the best parts of me—to be generous. To be loving.”
“That’s beautiful. That’s what love is like.”
“But, what if I go too far? And lose myself?”
“You won’t.” But how could I give her that assurance if I didn’t really understand why she felt like that? “Why would you lose yourself?”
She was quiet again. And then I felt moisture on my chest as a tear trickled down her cheek. I stroked her hair and kissed her head. But I didn’t say a word because the moment felt too tension-filled. One wrong phrase might silence her completely.
“I guess—I’m afraid that if I let myself love you and trust you completely, you’ll end up hurting me. You won’t even intend to do it.”
“Tell me what happened, Kel.”
The tears were falling freely now, but she kept talking.
“Everyone thinks it was because he cheated on me, but that wasn’t really it. That was only the wakeup call.” She shook her head.
“I tried so hard to be what he wanted, and nothing was ever enough. I didn’t look right, so I had to change. I couldn’t cook or keep the house in order, no matter how hard I tried. I wasn’t mature enough. And I wasn’t even sexy enough. We had to do all these—extra things—to make our sex life good. He made me feel so shitty, like I was something that he had to mould into shape to be good enough for him—because he was so big and important.” She paused and her voice softened. “Yet at the same time, he needed me in this almost desperate way. He was so young and scared and full of anxiety. It was all so confusing.”
That was Kelly, full of kindness and wanting to be needed. Maybe that was where I let her down the most—by not showing her how much I needed her as well. By being too cool, and not vulnerable enough.
She was crying hard now. “The worst part is that I bel
ieved him. Instead of telling him off, I kept trying harder. That’s how I always deal with stuff—by working to get better. But there was no getting better, because something was always wrong. I did it all—because I loved him. I gave him that power because I thought that’s what love was.”
Rage flowed through my body. She was the sweetest, hottest, most beautiful woman I knew. Why would you want to change a single eyelash of her? To knock her down and treat her like that was straight-up abuse. What the hell was wrong with him? I held her until she was cried out, passing her tissues to dry off her face.
“That’s not what love is, Kel,” I reassured her. “Love is something beautiful. Look at your parents—your dad giving your mom flowers every day.”
She smiled. “Yeah, he did it even after he sold the store. Sometimes they were wildflowers he picked while out walking, but she loved them just the same.”
“Or my parents. They argue a ton, but when the chips were down—my dad was there for my mom.”
“Arguing is good. It means that they’re not afraid to disagree,” said Kelly. “I want us to argue.”
“Hey, we argued as soon as we saw each other at the wedding.” I laughed. We both had tempers for sure.
“That means that we’re equals. I’ve thought a lot about Chicago, and part of it was money. He had all the money and eventually he figured he owned me—not consciously, but still. Or maybe I thought that.”
“Kel, you’ve got a great job now. I’m proud of everything you’re doing. Once you get on the air, you’re going to be the famous one.”
“Am I? You’re so smart. I still worry about you trying to manipulate things.”
“Maybe I did that in the past, but I’m different now. When you went to Chicago, it was the worst time in my life. On the surface, things seemed okay, but it was like the sunshine went out of my life.”
“I’m sorry, Phil.”
“Don’t be. It was my own fault. I vowed that if I got another chance—like we have now—that I would do better.”
Hockey Is My Boyfriend: Part Three Page 42
