Wavering Convictions

by Erin Dutton

  “I wasn’t sure if you enjoyed the chopsticks, but I don’t have the patience for them, so we have forks, too. Would you like to eat out on the patio?”

  “Sure.”

  Ally grabbed two bottles of water and took them out to the small, cracked concrete patio. She’d outfitted it with a basic table and four chairs from Target when she moved in. Someday, she planned to bust up the current patio, then pour a larger stamped-concrete pad with a wooden pergola. She wanted to build chaise lounges, a table and chairs, and some benches around a stone fire pit.

  She returned to the kitchen for a lighter and citronella candle to ward off any mosquitos. Then they carried their plates outside to the table and settled in. Ally worried the conversation would be awkward after their kiss, but they talked easily, avoiding any serious topics. Maggie shared stories from her childhood, so different from Ally’s. And Ally described her ideas for the outdoor furniture she wanted to build.

  “I’m amazed you can have all of that in your head. I don’t have any creative inspiration in me.” When Maggie deftly picked up a piece of chicken, Ally tried not to watch her fingers manipulate the chopsticks. And she certainly didn’t notice the way Maggie’s tongue darted out to curl and grab rice off the implements.

  “Like I said, I don’t get out here much, especially when I was working full-time and building furniture. But I have visions of someday having enough free time to host outdoor gatherings with my friends and their two kids.”

  Maggie rested her elbow on the table and propped her chin on her hand. “Tell me about them.”

  Ally grinned and launched into an explanation about how she’d briefly dated Kathi years ago.

  “This was before the ex who kept your house?”

  “Yes. I’m so glad we stayed friends after we split. It’s a much better dynamic for us. And Dani is amazing for her.”

  “You said they have children?”

  “Yeah. Two awesome little ones. Grayson is five and June is four. Grayson comes across as soft-spoken sometimes, but once he’s comfortable in a situation, the kid is nonstop talk. And he gets so excited about things that interest him. I can’t wait to see what he develops a passion for as he gets older. And June is a little girlie-girl. She’s all about pretty things. And she has the biggest heart.” She talked for several more minutes about the kids before she realized Maggie was giving her a look of amusement. “Sorry. I forget people don’t love to hear about other people’s kids.”

  Maggie covered Ally’s hand where it rested on the table. “It’s great how much you love them. Kids can never have too many strong role models and people who care about them.”

  “They’re great. But they can also be exhausting. I’m perfectly happy being a fun godmother, then sending them home to the moms.” Ally chuckled. “What about you? Did you ever think about having kids?”

  “Maybe. When I was younger. But now that I’m in my forties…”

  “Barely.”

  “Nonetheless. I start doing math and deciding between retiring while I can enjoy it or helping my kid through college.”

  Ally shrugged. “Your kid could put him or herself through college.”

  “True. Who knows if my kid would even pursue higher education?”

  “Right. Maybe he would be a star athlete or one of our homegrown Nashville singer / songwriters and buy you a house to retire in.”

  “Maybe. But I think my decision’s been made.”

  “I’m sure you’ll meet Grayson and June eventually. I suppose I could share their attention.”

  A shadow crossed Maggie’s expression, but she stood, picked up her plate, and turned away before Ally could analyze it. “That’s very generous of you. Can I get you anything else from the kitchen?”

  “Maggie.” Ally stood, but Maggie had already fled inside.

  Ally stared at the door. Should she go in and push Maggie to talk? She didn’t want to end their night with things unsaid and their status in limbo. But she didn’t want to hear that Maggie didn’t want to be with her either. And that could happen. Maybe she’d kissed her only because she was caught up in the moment.

  When she entered the kitchen, Maggie stood at the sink with a glass of water in her hand. But she stared out the window to the backyard where Ally had just been. Ally leaned against the counter on the other side of the kitchen and shoved her hands into her pockets, because she really wanted to take Maggie in her arms.

  “What are we doing?” Maggie asked.

  “Maggie, I—”

  “I mean, really? I admit, I’m wildly attracted to you. And you’ve been so amazing, letting me come over here and garden—it’s really taken my mind off everything. And kissing you was—simply fireworks. But what’s the end game here? Do we pretend that I’m going to meet your friends and their kids and be a part of your life? And what about your family?” She stuttered slightly over the word family.

  “You’re attracted to me?”

  Maggie stared at her. “That’s what you took from that?”

  “That and all the fireworks.” Ally grinned.

  “I’m being serious.”

  “So am I.” She pushed off the counter and crossed to Maggie, then took both of her hands in hers. “I don’t know what this is either. Or how it could ever work. But man, that kiss was the stuff of legends—for me, at least.”

  “We aren’t teenagers anymore, Ally. Mad chemistry is not enough to justify—”

  “You’re right. We aren’t kids. Which means we should be mature enough to figure this out.” Ally looked down at their joined hands between them. “Just holding your hand makes my heart rate go crazy.”

  Maggie eased her hands free, but Ally imagined she did so reluctantly. “There’s nothing to figure out. The most we can hope for here is a fling that has to run its course before the trial begins.”

  Ally tried to imagine a scenario where they were still involved when that date came. She wanted to be there in the courtroom, holding Maggie’s hand—it was the first image that came to her mind. But that thought brought a flood of guilt. Shirley expected Ally to support Carey. How would she do that and still be by Maggie’s side?

  “Is that what you want?” Maggie asked, meeting Ally’s eyes.

  It wasn’t. Not at all. She’d already known she cared about Maggie before kissing her. And now, recalling the feel of Maggie’s body against her had only deepened her feelings. It was too early—way too soon to say she was falling for her. And the fear in Maggie’s expression cued her in that she might not be ready to hear that yet either.

  “Hey, what’s wrong with a little distraction as long as we both know the rules?” Ally forced a casual tone that sounded stiff even to herself.

  Maggie looked like she might challenge her about the truth of her statement. The fleeting bravado in her expression gave way to the same uncertainty that churned in Ally’s gut.

  “Distraction?”

  “Yeah. If you want a label, that seems the simplest, doesn’t it? I mean, we can be friends and spend some time together.”

  “I hate to pull the age card again, but I’m in my forties—a little old for flings.”

  “And I’m thirty-nine, so normally I’d agree. I want another long-term relationship someday. But we have a unique set of circumstances here. Spending time with you—I’ve been the most relaxed and happy that I’ve been in quite some time. I don’t know how you’re okay hanging out with me after my own brother robbed you. But I hope you know that if I can ease some of that stress for you in any way, I will.”

  Maggie’s eyes filled with tears, and a quiet, strangled sob escaped.

  “Maggie, what’s wrong?” Ally grabbed for one of her hands, devastated that whatever she’d said had caused Maggie to cry.

  Maggie rolled her eyes up and pulled in a breath, clearly trying to maintain control. The motion pushed several tears over her lower lid, to trail down her cheeks. Ally cupped her face and wiped them away with her thumbs.

  “You believe me—a
bout the robbery?”

  “Oh, honey, yes, I do.” Was that the first time she’d said it aloud? Certainly it was the first time she’d acknowledged it to Maggie. But to be fair, she often avoided talking about it so she wouldn’t stress Maggie more.

  Maggie stepped close and wrapped her arms around Ally’s waist. As they embraced, her lips brushed Ally’s ear, and she whispered against it, “Thank you.”

  Ally held her, soaking in the closeness, breathing in Maggie’s light floral perfume, ironically mixed with the earthy scent of the dirt she’d been digging in outside. She rubbed her hands over Maggie’s back, hoping to soothe her.

  As Maggie regained control, she snuggled closer to Ally, aligning their hips more fully. Her arms tightened, and the touch of her lips against Ally’s neck felt deliberate and very intimate. Ally’s skin tingled, and her nipples had hardened where they pressed against Maggie’s breasts. She slid her hand up Maggie’s back to cup her neck. Maggie rolled her head slightly in response to Ally’s fingertips caressing her.

  Desire swamped Ally, and she wanted so much to give in to it. She would, easily, surrender to the need to touch Maggie, but first she needed to know that Maggie was feeling the same.

  “Maggie?”

  “Yes.” Had Ally’s voice sounded as breathless as Maggie’s?

  “Unless you’re intending to start that fling right now, I’m going to need some space.”

  Maggie cleared her throat and loosened her embrace. “I’m sorry.”

  “No. Don’t be.” Ally would probably pay for her chivalry later when she lay in bed imagining Maggie there with her.

  “I should pick up my tools from outside before I go.” Maggie dropped her arms to her side.

  “Will you be coming back?”

  Maggie’s small smile and nod unfurled the knot of tension in Ally’s chest.

  “Okay. Let me know if you need help with the tools.”

  While Maggie cleaned up outside, Ally stayed in the kitchen gathering her composure. Maggie had admitted to the physical attraction between them. And Ally agreed, but she hadn’t added how the gentle timbre of Maggie’s voice when they talked on the phone made her ache to be near her. She also didn’t mention how she warmed inside when she watched Maggie working in her yard. All of that she’d have to keep buried while they enjoyed whatever they could have.

  Chapter Eleven

  Maggie logged her records request as completed and sat back in her chair, rolling her shoulders to lessen the tension from staring at her computer screen for the past two hours. Sometimes her posture seemed to worsen in direct correlation to how involved the project she worked on was.

  According to the clock on her computer, she had an hour left in her shift. Not quite enough time to complete another request. In the past, she’d have started the next one, then stayed late to finish it.

  If she left work now, she could get to Ally’s a little early tonight. She hadn’t seen her in the two days since their first kiss. They’d texted each day, but Maggie kept things light and brief from her end, citing a heavy load at work. Ally had reached out that morning to ask if she should water the garden beds, since it hadn’t rained lately. She’d added that she wasn’t busy if Maggie wanted to come over to tend them and stay for dinner.

  Maggie didn’t have to think about whether she wanted to accept the invitation. She’d been thinking about Ally since leaving her house two nights before. She hadn’t met anyone in years who got to her like Ally. Yet any sane person examining their situation would probably say she should avoid Ally. So she’d left Ally’s with the agreement that they would—what? Get to know each other, pretend they didn’t grow to care about one another, then never see each other again? What could go wrong?

  She locked her computer and headed down the hallway. After wasting a few minutes using the restroom, she filled her travel tumbler from the water cooler. Then, only forty-five minutes before quitting time, she angled into the doorway of Inga’s office.

  “Hey, Boss.” She knocked on the inside of the open door.

  “What’s up?” Inga glanced up, then turned back to her computer screen.

  “I’m at a stopping point. Would it be okay if I take off a little early today?”

  Now she had Inga’s full attention. “Of course it’s okay. Is something wrong?”

  She shook her head. “Just want to get ahead of traffic for a change.”

  “Are you sure? Because I wasn’t going to say anything, but you’ve been different lately.”

  “Different how?”

  Inga picked up a pen and fiddled with it, something she did when she was collecting her thoughts before she spoke. “You’ve seemed more relaxed. Not back to your old self, but—close.”

  My old self. She knew Inga came from a good place, but she didn’t know how anyone could think she’d ever find that version of herself again. In fairness, she’d pulled back from her friendship with Inga after the robbery. She couldn’t judge Inga’s assumptions about her when, rather than confide what she was going through, she’d turned to Ally, a stranger, for comfort.

  “And now here you are, asking to leave early. I was beginning to think no one else knew how to turn off the lights around here.” Inga smiled. “Yes. Get out of here. Have a good night.”

  Inga’s understanding made her want to confide in her. She considered pulling the door closed and dropping into the chair on the other side of Inga’s desk. But she’d have to go back to square one, fill in all the details she’d omitted when dealing with Inga. The very idea exhausted her.

  So, to assuage some of her guilt about cutting Inga out, she cleared her throat to regain Inga’s attention. “I have been doing better, thank you. I know I haven’t leaned on you, but knowing you’re a good friend, available if I need you, really does help.”

  Inga nodded, then went back to her work. Her tense posture indicated she might want to say more, but she kept whatever it was contained.

  Maggie gathered her things from her desk, catching several surprised looks as she shrugged on her coat and headed for the door. She passed through the building lobby with a wave to the security guard.

  As she walked across the street to the lot she’d been parking in since the robbery, she recalled Inga’s words about her seeming to be doing better. Was she? Certainly, when she was with Ally she felt better, stronger even. And some of the changes in herself she imagined would be permanent. What was the harm in double-checking her locks every night? But this parking situation should change. Her office had a contract for reduced rates with the garage where she was robbed. She could reclaim some power by parking there again. She’d always known, working downtown, that she should be cautious. But crime had been such an abstract idea until it had hit her directly. Tomorrow, she would park in that garage again.

  * * *

  “You feel amazing.” Maggie’s words vibrated against Ally’s neck as she dropped a path of kisses down to the base of her throat. “Have I mentioned how much I like you in these V-neck shirts and how sexy your collarbones are?”

  “You haven’t. But feel free to say it as often as you want.” Maggie’s lips against said collarbone pulled a thread of pleasure through Ally.

  Ally stroked her hands into Maggie’s hair and tilted her head to meet her mouth. Maggie’s lips were soft and responsive, opening to her as she swept her tongue against them. Kissing Maggie was her new favorite pastime. Just when she was thinking she could do this all day, she felt Maggie toying with the band at the top of her athletic shorts.

  “If I knew seeing me in my lounge-around-the-house clothes would get you this worked up, I’d have done it weeks ago.” She’d been enjoying a lazy day catching up on television when Maggie texted to say she was off work and wanted to stop by. As soon as she answered the door, Maggie stepped into her with a searing kiss that left her knees wobbly. Aggressive-Maggie was incredibly hot. They hadn’t made it past the sofa.

  “I like you casual, although I’m certain I’d like you all dress
ed up, too. Maybe even wearing nothing at all. In fact, I think we should explore that idea.” Maggie balled the hem of Ally’s T-shirt in her fist and shoved it up.

  Maggie’s hand moving across her stomach threatened to make her embarrass herself. She wanted to slow down, to map Maggie’s body under her hands, and to explore each other together, but maybe next time. Right now, she just needed Maggie’s skin against her. When Maggie slipped her fingers inside the waistband of Ally’s shorts, Ally’s hips bucked in response. Damn, she could completely lose it, and Maggie had touched only her stomach.

  She grabbed Maggie’s wrist, pulling it away so she could regain some self-control.

  “Stop.” Maggie’s softly spoken plea registered enough that Ally eased her grip but didn’t release her. “Please, stop.” This time panic edged Maggie’s voice, and she panted for breath.

  “Did I hurt you?” Ally let go of her wrist and searched her face for some explanation for Maggie’s distress.

  When she reached for her, intent on comforting her, Maggie shrank back against the sofa, casting her eyes around the room as if searching for an escape. Ally slowly unfolded herself from the sofa, careful not to startle Maggie further. Maggie’s stress level visibly deescalated as Ally put some distance between them.

  Her heart ached with the realization that her nearness made whatever was going on worse for Maggie. A part of her needed to get away from the vulnerability, both Maggie’s and her own. She wasn’t sure if escaping to the backyard would be far enough, or if she needed to grab her car keys on the way out. Opting for the yard, she strode away, holding her breath to dam her tears until she’d yanked open the door and passed through it. When she finally did exhale, her breath trembled past her lips.

  She stopped in the middle of the yard, her back to the house, and pressed the heels of her hands against her closed eyes. Everything in her screamed for her to go back inside and take Maggie in her arms, yet that was the last thing Maggie wanted.