Wavering Convictions

by Erin Dutton

  Shirley tried for several minutes to change his mind. But he stood firm, gaining some respect from Ally in the process. If he could stand up to their mother about something as serious as this, then surely she could start doing the same. Their visitation time was almost up when Carey asked Jorge to walk Shirley out.

  “Al?” he said when Ally stood to follow. He tilted his head toward Shirley, indicating Ally should wait until they’d left. When the door shut behind them, Ally turned to face him. “The woman who I—you’ve been in contact with her?”

  “I have.”

  “Can you tell her I’m sorry?”

  “Carey, I—”

  “Please, Al.” He drew his brows together. “Stealing money from Ma and from you. I don’t know—that always felt like it was okay because it was family. I know that’s messed up, but I needed the drugs so bad. I was in so much pain without them.”

  “And we let it slide for the same reason. Even though it made me so mad at you.”

  “But taking your dad’s gun was wrong. And what I did to that lady—”

  “Her name is Maggie Davidson.” Something in her voice gave her away, because he narrowed his eyes as if she’d just told him how she felt about Maggie.

  “What I did to Miss Davidson, she must have been so scared. I’m not that guy. At least I never will be again.”

  She wanted to believe him. And, she’d decided, she would give him the chance to prove himself. She wouldn’t cut him off. But some things were going to change, with him and in her relationship with Shirley.

  Chapter Twenty

  Ally sat in her car in the parking lot of Maggie’s apartment building and stared up at her living-room window. A soft glow shone behind the closed curtains. Maggie was home. There went Ally’s one excuse for not being able to at least try to talk to her.

  She’d been very brave after she left the detention center, practicing aloud in the car what she might say. She tried to imagine Maggie’s response, but, in her mind, Maggie was quite unforgiving. Maybe she was just preparing for the worst.

  The beauty of Maggie living in an apartment complex was that she could still leave. It wasn’t as if she were sitting in Maggie’s driveway. She thought about her conversation with Carey and the determination that had surged through her following that exchange. She wasn’t here just to ask Maggie to forgive her for their fight about owning a gun. She was here to convince Maggie that they deserved a real chance to be together. Given who they each were and the complications of dealing with Ally’s family, that was a big ask.

  She opened the car door and set one foot on the ground. She wanted this. She wanted Maggie. If she let herself consider that Maggie might say yes, exhilaration sang through her body like the quiver of a releasing bow string.

  She got out of the car, strode up, rapped on Maggie’s door, and—waited. She was there. The light was on. Her car was in the lot. Oddly, Ally hadn’t considered that Maggie just might not open the door. She scowled in frustration. Then, thinking Maggie could be looking through the peephole, she adopted a peaceful expression.

  Maybe she hadn’t knocked hard enough, so she tried one more time. She clasped her hands together in front of her, then behind her, then awkwardly hung them at her sides. Why didn’t she know what to do with her hands? Her arms felt like they didn’t belong on her body. Her pulse pounded in her neck. How long should she stand here?

  She’d just decided to give up and had turned away when the door opened. Maggie stood in the doorway, and Ally nearly sighed. She wore a T-shirt and pajama pants with plump cartoon birds on them. Her bare feet peeked out from under the pants hems, toenails tipped in deep red. She looked beautiful.

  “It’s so good to see you.” Ally couldn’t help her breathy pronouncement.

  Maggie’s cool expression wavered just a bit before she fixed it again.

  “Can I come in?”

  “No.” Maggie put her hand on the doorjamb as if she needed to physically block Ally from entering. Ally wasn’t about to force her way in, but Maggie wanted to let her in. Ally could see it in the soft bend of her elbow and the angle of her body toward Ally.

  “Why did you open the door, then?”

  Maggie didn’t answer, but she stepped back out of the way. Ally eased past her and moved into the living room, needing a little bit of distance to control her urge to touch Maggie. She wanted to brush her arm, to take her hand, to draw her into a hug.

  “I’ve missed you.”

  “What are you doing here, Ally?” Maggie folded her arms across her chest.

  “I wanted to talk.”

  “I don’t want to argue about our impossible situation.” Despite her posture, Maggie didn’t totally pull off nonchalance. She bit her lower lip and blinked quickly as if against the sting of tears.

  “Neither do I.”

  “Then what are you doing here?”

  “I’d like to fix it.”

  Maggie’s reaction to Ally’s words was immediate. Her shoulders rose with a sudden intake of breath, and she rolled her eyes upward as they filled with tears.

  “See, that’s the thing about an impossible situation, Ally. There is no fixing it.”

  Maggie’s watery eyes broke Ally’s heart. “Can’t we try?”

  “So we can end up here again? No. I can’t get over you another time.”

  “You got over me? Then if you won’t let me try to fix us, will you at least tell me how you managed that? Because I can’t get you out of my head.” No. I can’t get you out of my heart.

  “I’m not asking the DA to drop the charges, if that’s what all this is about.” Maggie straightened, drawing from a reserve of strength that Ally was certain she didn’t possess herself.

  “What? Why would you say that?”

  “The ADA told me Carey went back to jail. I know how hard that must be for you. So if you’re here hoping for—or worse, if that’s what your plan was from the beginning—”

  “No. God, no.” Ally surged forward two steps, then stopped as Maggie backed up. “I wouldn’t.”

  “That’s kind of what it looks like.” Maggie yanked open the door, inviting Ally to leave.

  “Wait. Maggie.” Now she did move closer, stopping directly in front of Maggie. She took the door from her and slowly closed it. “I’m not asking you to change anything about the trial. In fact, there’s not going to be a trial.”

  “What?”

  “I—can we sit down?” She gestured toward the couch.

  Maggie nodded. Ally sighed and sat at one end, expecting Maggie to sit at the other. But Maggie took the adjacent chair, farthest away from Ally. Ally scooted across two cushions to the end of the couch closest to Maggie but didn’t do anything to close the remaining space.

  “I’m sorry we argued about you buying a gun. I should have handled that conversation better. I have my own beliefs about gun control, and they haven’t changed. But I’ve never been in the situation you were in, and I shouldn’t pass judgment on how you’re handling things.”

  “I didn’t buy a gun.”

  Ally hung her head briefly, then met Maggie’s eyes. “I can’t say I’m not relieved.”

  “I didn’t decide not to do it because you disapproved.”

  “Okay. There were a lot of negatives in that sentence, but I think I got it.”

  “I went to a shooting range—with Charlie.”

  Ally grimaced, then quickly turned her expression into a not-very-genuine smile. “Go on.”

  “Ultimately, I don’t want to be someone who has to carry a gun to feel safer. I’m coming to terms with the way the danger in the world has touched me. And I plan to live with the risk that it could happen again.”

  Ally nodded. She went through her day not worrying about her own safety. In reality, she could easily be in Maggie’s situation. She worked alone in her noisy garage, not as aware of her surroundings as she should be. She often delivered furniture, by herself, in unfamiliar neighborhoods. History had proved that simply having b
reakfast at a Waffle House in Nashville put lives at risk. The world—and her city—would never be as safe as it had once been.

  “Ever since the robbery, nothing has been simple. I work downtown. Do you know how many people I encounter walking from my car to my office, or to lunch? I used to like it. People-watching. The diversity, the energy—the bustle of people with a variety of goals for their day downtown. Now, I’m scanning for something shifty—something that hints at malicious intentions.”

  “I hate that Carey did that to you. It’s still hard for me to think of the boy that I grew up with reaching a point where armed robbery was an option for him.” She scooted forward on the cushion and caught Maggie’s gaze before continuing. “And I felt guilty about how he got the gun. I was careless, and through a series of events, my actions put you in danger.”

  “You couldn’t have known what he would do.”

  “No. But I can promise it won’t happen again. I’ve already spoken with the police about what happens to that gun once it isn’t needed for evidence. It will be destroyed, at my request.”

  “It was your dad’s. If you want—”

  “I don’t have any good memories attached to it. I don’t want it. And no one else should have it either.” She rested her elbows on her knees and clasped her hands, rubbing the back of one thumb with the other. “I met with Carey, his attorney, and my mother today. He’s taking the deal from the ADA. He’s going to plead guilty. He admitted to me that he did it. I mean, I knew he did, but hearing him say the words…”

  “I—I don’t even know what to say.” Fresh tears dampened Maggie’s lashes.

  “I figured you’d hear from the prosecutor or from Charlie or something. But I wanted to tell you myself. Did they discuss the plea with you before they offered it?”

  Maggie nodded.

  “He’ll serve three years.” Ally couldn’t keep sadness from saturating her voice. Without having to endure a trial, this was the closest thing to justice Maggie could get. But how would three years in prison change Carey?

  “I’m sorry.”

  “No.” Maggie jumped at Ally’s declaration, which came out more emphatic than she’d intended. “You don’t have anything to apologize to me for.”

  “These past four months have been the most tumultuous of my life. Knowing that the end of it all is in sight—I’m not sure what to do now.”

  “I have some ideas about that.” Ally inched forward a bit more, her knees almost touching Maggie’s.

  “You do?”

  “For starters, you should come to my house tomorrow night for dinner.”

  “Dinner?”

  Ally nodded. “But you should definitely bring these pants.” She pinched a tiny bit of the fabric at Maggie’s knee and tugged. “You know, just in case it gets late and you want to stay.”

  “Ally—”

  “No, wait. I realized that I can spend the rest of my life looking after my mother and my brother. Or I can do what makes me happy. And I choose me—er, you. It’s—because you’re the person who makes me happy.” She grunted in frustration. “I’m trying to tell you I love you, and somehow I’m managing to screw that up, too.”

  Maggie stared at her, then smiled. “You’re doing just fine.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yes.” She leaned forward and took Ally’s face in her hands. “And I love you, too.”

  “You do?”

  Maggie laughed as Ally pulled her out of the chair and into her lap. But given the way she was perched on the edge of the cushion, Maggie’s momentum threw them both off balance, and they tumbled back onto the couch together. Ally gathered Maggie against her. She kissed Maggie softly, then more deeply.

  “I don’t know how everything is going to work out. But I promise to always put us first.”

  “And what would you say if I told you that I had some pajama pants with sheep on them that I think would fit you perfectly? In case you want to stick around tonight.”

  “Sheep?”

  “Is that a deal breaker?”

  “I suppose not.”

  “Great. I’ll go get them.” Maggie rolled off the couch and returned a minute later with the pajamas. “Oh, and I’m going to need you to be the little spoon again.”

  Ally laughed and snatched the pants out of Maggie’s hand. She stood and shoved down her jeans, then pulled on the pajamas. “I know you’re expecting me to balk at that one. But secretly, that was one of the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had.” She caught Maggie around the waist and buried her face in her neck, dropping kisses on every inch of skin she touched. “I’ll be whatever spoon you need me to be.”

  * * *

  Maggie walked through the metal detector in the lobby of the courthouse, continuing when no alarm sounded, and retrieved her purse from the bin on the other side of the x-ray machine. She stopped in front of the coffee shop, which was nearly as busy as the first day she’d been in this lobby almost six months ago.

  “Did you want to go in and get a cup for old time’s sake?” Ally asked as she came to stand beside her.

  Maggie shook her head. Her nervous stomach couldn’t handle coffee right now. She walked straight to the bank of elevators and staked out a spot near one of the cars. She could feel Ally’s presence behind her, even before Ally touched her lower back.

  When the doors opened, Ally steered her inside and into the corner. Maggie didn’t understand why Ally seemed so determined until she realized Ally had situated herself between Maggie and the other occupants of the elevator.

  Ally turned her back to the rest of the crowded car and bent her head to speak in Maggie’s ear. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m good.”

  Ally squeezed her hand, and when she would have released it, Maggie held on. The doors opened on almost every floor, and people filtered out, until only two other people remained with them. On the sixth floor, Ally stepped aside and let Maggie leave first.

  Maggie paused outside courtroom 6B and walked to the nearby window. Outside, a picturesque view of downtown spread out before her. The skyscrapers rose up to her right, bordered by the older two- and three-story commercial buildings along the edge of the river. Two bridges spanned the river, a long barge passing under one of them. She couldn’t imagine a more peaceful view in a place that inspired such turmoil within her.

  Ally stood beside her, their shoulders touching, but she didn’t say anything. Maggie glanced at her and found her eyes scanning the scene outside as well.

  “Are you sure us going in there together is a good idea?” Maggie said quietly enough to not be overheard by the other people filing into the two courtrooms at this end of the hall.

  “Yes. I think you need to see this. And I don’t want to be anywhere except at your side.”

  Maggie curled two of her fingers around Ally’s index finger, pulling playfully. “I appreciate that, though—I’m not saying I’ll ever be ready to be friendly with him. But Carey is your brother. Your history with him is vastly different than mine. So if you want to be in his corner—”

  “Hey.” Ally turned to face Maggie, took her hand fully, and waited until Maggie made eye contact. “I’m here with you. I talked to Carey about it, and he knows we’ll be there together. He’s going to continue working on his sobriety. I agreed to visit occasionally while he’s incarcerated. When he gets out, we’ll figure out where things stand.”

  “And your mom?”

  “She’s pissed.” Ally smiled. When Maggie tried to pull her hand free, Ally kept hold. “We had a talk, too. I told her things are going to change. I’m not her caretaker. And I’m going to pursue my own life. She’ll be mad at me whether I’m here with you or not. So don’t worry about it.”

  Shirley had refused to come to court. She said she couldn’t watch her baby boy taken away in handcuffs. Ally didn’t know if they would put him in cuffs in the courtroom. But she suspected Shirley would only have made a scene anyway. Shirley had said her good-byes to him when they visited on Thursday.
And she would be a regular visitor to wherever they transferred him after he was sentenced.

  “And you’re okay with the fact that your girlfriend and your mother will never have any kind of relationship?”

  “Okay? Not really. But that’s because I think you’re amazing and can’t imagine anyone missing out on knowing you.” Ally turned them toward the double doors to the courtroom. “Let’s get in there.”

  After they entered, Ally led them to a row situated behind the prosecutor’s table. Sasha saw them come in and waved. She cast a curious glance at Ally, then smiled at Maggie. Maggie hadn’t told her who she’d be there with, and she didn’t know if Sasha knew who Ally was. But she didn’t care. Soon this chapter would be closed.

  They stood with everyone else when the judge entered, then sat again when he commanded it from the bench. When Carey’s case was called, Maggie grasped Ally’s hand. She forced herself to look at him as he followed the deputy into the room from the door leading to the courthouse’s temporary detention area.

  He immediately scanned the crowd, relief painting his expression when he locked on Ally. For a moment, Maggie saw the brother Ally described from when they were kids. His face looked softer than she remembered—younger. His love for Ally emanated from his eyes. When his gaze shifted to Maggie, she expected to see it harden. But she detected no hatred or resentment, only extreme sorrow. She didn’t see an evil man, rather one who had gotten lost and so desperate. Despite knowing how he got here, she’d never been able to see him that way before. But there was no denying it in the face of the agony before her.

  The deputy steered him behind a table, next to his attorney, and the moment was broken. He stood beside the public defender, his shoulders rounded and his head bowed. After some conversation between Sasha and the judge about the details of the plea, the judge turned to Carey. To his credit, Carey raised his chin and gave the judge the respectful attention he deserved.

  “Mr. Rowe, has your attorney briefed you on the plea agreement just discussed here in this courtroom?”

  “Yes, Your Honor.”