Splintered Memory

by Natascha Holloway

  Matt walked away from the door quickly, and all but ran down the stairs and onto the street, his head banging the whole time. The only thing slowing him was the mounting feeling that he might be sick at any minute, but as he walked home as quickly as he could flashbacks from the night before hit him in waves of pure shame. Flash after flash of drunken sex with someone other than his wife.

  Another tidal wave of guilt hit him and he closed his eyes firmly, physically flinching at the memories that were pouring into his brain. What have I done he asked himself?

  He reached the back door to his and Charlie’s house, and he paused for just a moment before entering. He needed a minute to try and gain some semblance of composure, and he was hoping that if he was lucky there was a chance that Charlie would be out. He took a deep breath and then pushed the door open and entered the kitchen, but as he shut it quietly behind him he could hear the sound of laughter from the living room. Not out he thought.

  “So who loves who the most then guys?” He heard Rich say from the living room.

  “It’s obvious isn’t it? I’ve always been the one who was head over heels,” he heard himself say.

  “Yeah whatever, I’ve been under his spell since the moment he put a plaster on my knee,” he heard Charlie say in response.

  He knew what Charlie was watching without even needing to go into the living room to see for himself. She must’ve found the recording of their wedding day that Rich and Claire had filmed.

  Matt felt like he was being hit with instant karma for being a cheating rat. He’d come home to find his beautiful wife, who’d been through more in the last few months than anyone should ever have to endure, watching what had been the happiest day of his life.

  He found himself drawn to where he knew she was, and as he walked into the living room he saw her sat on the floor with her legs crossed in front of her. She was sat less than a foot from the television, and she was smiling at the screen. He guessed that she’d obviously heard him come in though, because she turned round and smiled at him. Yet as she did, he felt his stomach plunge again as the guilt from the previous night reared up inside of him once more.

  “God weren’t we young,” Charlie said smiling.

  He felt another stab of guilt, but he forced himself to return her smile and he said; “yeah we were, but it just seemed right.” Although he nearly choked on his guilt as he said it.

  She looked back to the television where she was on screen laughing her loud and contagious laugh, but Matt couldn’t bear to watch a second longer and he said; “I’m going to take a shower, long night you know.”

  “’k,” she said smiling and turning back to look up at him. But then she just as quickly turned her attention back to the television. “Do you want me to make you something to eat?” She asked him, although this time her eyes remained on the screen.

  “No I’m fine thanks, you just...” but he didn’t finish saying what she should just do. Instead he hit the stairs at a run taking them three at a time.

  When he reached the top he darted into the bathroom and shut the door firmly behind him. He rested his hands on the sink and forced himself to look at his reflection in the mirror, but as did he was unsurprised to see that he was crying. He hated himself for what he’d done, and he couldn’t bear to look at himself for a second longer. He turned away and put the shower on.

  Matt stood underneath the forceful surge of water and closed his eyes, wishing as he did that his mind would stop replaying the events of the night before. He was so distracted by his thoughts, guilt, and conscience, that he didn’t hear the gentle knock on the door a few minutes later.

  Charlie

  She’d been thinking about what Maria had said to her nonstop for the better part of three days. Yet the truth of the matter was, was that Charlie had known – long before Maria had said it, that she was the obstacle in the way of any possible chance she had of re-building a relationship with Matt. He’d made attempts to get close to her, but she’d always been the one to pull away. She was the one that was letting her fear get in the way of them taking a step forward. She was the one keeping them trapped in a place where neither of them knew where they really stood.

  Charlie trusted Maria implicitly. She knew that her life was in a much better place now thanks to Maria’s help than it would ever have been without it, and so she felt confident that if Maria thought that she was ready to take that next step with Matt then she was. She owed it to him to at least try and make their home life easier, and she knew that this meant either rekindling their relationship or walking away from him forever. She couldn’t stay and keep him in this unhappy limbo, it simply wasn’t fair.

  She knew that if she couldn’t give him a proper relationship, which encompassed every aspect of marital life, then she owed it to him to walk away as she had previously contemplated doing. She knew that it wasn’t right to keep him on tenterhooks, and she felt sure that he deserved much more than this from her.

  These thoughts occupied Charlie’s mind while Matt was at work, and she wondered how she could engineer a situation in which he might again be tempted to reach out to her. Yet as she sat in the living room racking her brain for inspiration, her eyes were drawn to their wedding photo which took pride of place over their fire place.

  That was it she said to herself. She knew that there was a wedding video, because she’d come across it when she’d been doing one of her tidy ups. Maybe, just maybe, if Matt came home to find her watching their wedding video it would rekindle some of his memories from that day. She hoped that it might give him that nudge to reach out to her, and this time she knew that she wouldn’t pull away.

  With a plan formed in her mind she began to feel nervous and excited. She spent a long time in the shower, and even longer in front of her knicker drawer trying to decide what she should wear. She didn’t want Matt to think that she’d been planning this, but she also wanted to wear something nice for him. In the end she reached for an all black number, which she decided was a happy medium between sexy and regular everyday underwear.

  Charlie sat in their bedroom blow drying her hair, and she could feel the butterflies in her stomach. She was excited about him coming home, and she knew that this was going to make things between them better. It wasn’t a cure, but maybe it was the fresh start that they needed.

  She waited all evening for Matt, but finally at nearly two in the morning she gave up on any hope of him coming home and went to bed. She assumed that he must have gotten caught up in an emergency at the hospital, and that even if he did come home now he was unlikely to be feeling romantic or spontaneous.

  Charlie woke up a little after eight, and she was disappointed to find that Matt still wasn’t home. She got up and went downstairs, but there was no sign that he’d been back during the night at all. So she assumed that he must have slept at the hospital.

  She drank her tea, ate some cereal at the table, and then decided to go upstairs and get dressed. She had been thinking about going into town to do some shopping, but she decided not to because she wanted to wait for Matt to come home. He’d obviously been working all through the night, and she was worried about him. Yet as she’d thought this it shocked her, but then it made her smile. I obviously really do care about him she said to herself. Sod it she thought, she didn’t want to wait to watch the wedding video. She wanted to watch it now.

  Charlie turned it on, and she saw that her face was the first to appear on screen. She was stood there in jeans and a flannel shirt, and her hair was tied up in what looked like rags. She was talking rapidly, and laughing with whomever was filming her. The picture then jumped, and Matt was on screen throwing something at the camera. Whatever he had thrown had obviously hit the person it had been intended for, and whoever was filming him, because Charlie heard someone say; “ouch!”

  “Any second thoughts yet mate? Cus if you don’t fancy waiting for your girl at the bottom of the aisle, I’m happy to stand in for you!” She heard the same voice say, and sh
e recognised that it was Rich’s voice.

  “Not a chance mate. I’ve waited years to get Charlie down the aisle,” the Matt on screen said. This made Charlie’s stomach do a little flip. He really was incredibly attractive she thought.

  The picture flicked back to her, and she was being buttoned into her wedding dress. She was also stood in front of a large mirror. She smiled. On screen she looked so excited. The dress was beautiful, if not a little sexy she thought. It definitely wasn’t traditional, and her hair which had been untied from the rags was now hanging down round her shoulders in loose ringlets and looked pretty.

  The picture jumped to a church, and Matt was stood at the bottom of the aisle. Charlie appreciated just how handsome he looked in his morning suit, and she saw that his face was eager with anticipation. The camera in a wobbly fashion, obviously not filmed by a professional she thought, panned round to see her enter. She was smiling, and she looked happy and excited, but then the camera swung unsteadily back round to Matt who was also smiling.

  Charlie laughed at the same time as the onscreen version of herself laughed, when Matt nervously fluffed some of his vows as his nerves had visibly gotten the better of him, and she watched as her and Matt walked up the aisle hand in hand and smiling at each other. The picture then jumped once more and they were dancing, and it was all very romantic to Charlie as she watched the younger versions of herself and Matt. They seemed so in love, and she wondered how she could have forgotten all of this.

  The music stopped, and Charlie watched as she and Matt walked over to the person holding the camera. They were hand in hand and laughing and they were both clearly enjoying their day.

  “So who loves who the most then guys?” Charlie heard Rich ask from behind the camera, but she looked away from the television. She’d just heard the back door open and close, so she guessed that Matt was home.

  “It’s obvious isn’t it? I’ve always been the one who was head over heels,” the Matt on screen said.

  “Yeah whatever, I’ve been under his spell since the moment he put a plaster on my knee,” she heard herself say. She turned round and saw Matt standing behind her, and she smiled up at him. She thought that he looked incredibly tired.

  “God weren’t we young,” she said to him smiling.

  He returned her smile and said; “yeah we were, but it just seemed right.”

  She looked back at the television where she was on screen laughing.

  “I’m going to take a shower, long night you know,” he said seeming a little distracted.

  “’k,” Charlie said smiling at him. Although this time he didn’t return her smile, and she noticed how dark the bags under his eyes looked. He looked more tired than she could remember ever seeing him look before, and she looked back at the television not wanting him to think that she was staring at him. “Do you want me to make you something to eat?” She asked but without turning back around to look at him.

  “No I’m fine thanks, you just...” Yet he didn’t finish saying what she should just do, and when she turned round she saw him motoring up the stairs.

  Charlie turned the television off and got up. She was going to make him a sandwich. She didn’t care what he’d said, he looked completely done in. She went into the kitchen and put the grill on and took some bacon out of the fridge. She’d seen him cook this for himself before when he’d come in from an all night stint at the hospital, so this seemed like the best thing to make now.

  As the bacon cooked below the heat of the grill, Charlie took some bread out of the cupboard and put it on a plate. She took the ketchup out of another cupboard and spread it onto both slices. She hadn’t known to do this instinctively, but she’d watched and tried to re-learn Matt’s habits and this was again something that she’d seen him do.

  Charlie put the bacon on the bread and cut the sandwich in half, but when she got to the top of the stairs she could hear that the shower was still running. She tapped on the door, but Matt didn’t respond and she guessed that he probably hadn’t heard her. She decided to put the sandwich in the bedroom for him, thinking that he could eat it and then go straight to sleep.

  In the bedroom she heard the shower stop, but as she turned to go back downstairs Matt walked into the room. He’d been rubbing his face with the towel and so nothing had been covering his nakedness. She guessed that he’d assumed that she was still downstairs, but she felt her face redden as she looked at his body.

  He quickly wrapped the towel around his waist, and then he looked at her apologetically and said; “I’m sorry. I thought you were downstairs.”

  Charlie smiled feeling embarrassed and said; “I was, but I made you a bacon sandwich and I thought I’d bring it up to you as you looked knackered.”

  “Thanks, for the sandwich,” he said awkwardly.

  She smiled again, but she also noticed once more how tired he looked and she decided that she should just leave him to get some sleep. Yet as she went to walk out of the room, he walked forward towards the bed. They stopped in front of each other, and she noticed that he looked a little uneasy.

  Charlie looked into his face, and she knew that this was the moment that she needed to seize. She put her hands on his wet shoulders, rose up on to her tip toes and kissed him. He didn’t seem to react to her kiss though, and she started to worry that he was going to push her away. But despite her rising panic, she stayed firm and she kept her lips pressed to his.

  After what felt like an eternity she finally felt his lips push back against hers, and she felt his arms around her waist. She felt his kiss intensify, and she was surprised by her reaction to this. She parted her lips and allowed him to slide his tongue into her mouth, and as she felt his tongue begin to caress hers she pressed her body to his and held his face in her hands.

  She could feel him hardening against her, and as he slowly pushed her back towards the bed and then gently down onto it she knew that she wanted him.

  Charlie closed her eyes, and she took a deep breath as his hands moved up underneath her top and began to caress her nipples. She could feel her pulse racing through her and her breath catching, but as she wanted more from him she suddenly felt his weight lift off her and she opened her eyes.

  “Am I doing something wrong?” She asked feeling incredibly insecure.

  Matt shook his head his eyes closed, but in the next second he opened his eyes and got off the bed and turned away from her.

  “No,” he said quietly; “but I am.”

  Charlie knew that the situation could go one of two ways. She could get up and walk away embarrassed by what she’d done, but if she did that she knew that it would effectively end any hope that she’d had that she could still have a future with the man in front of her. Or, she could find the courage to show him that this was truly what she wanted.

  She stood up and walked over to him. She’d made her decision. She put her hands on the tops of his arms, and she turned him round to face her.

  “I want to,” she said with a level of conviction in her voice that surprised even herself. She then undid the towel that he’d re-wrapped around his waist, and she cast it to the floor.

  Matt

  He’d fought the temptation that Charlie had put his way, but as he stood re-wrapping his towel around his waist he only prayed that Charlie wouldn’t be hurt. He knew that he needed to turn and face her, and explain why he couldn’t make love to her. Yet as he tried to find the courage to do that, he felt her hands on his arms turning him to look at her.

  “I want to,” she said looking fierily into his eyes. She then confidently undid his towel and threw it onto the floor.

  Matt looked at his wife’s face, and he succumbed to the eagerness that she was showing him. He knew that he shouldn’t. He knew that he was probably taking advantage, both of her trying to prove something to him and as a way of relieving some of his guilt for how he’d treated her, but as he pushed her gently back onto the bed he knew that he’d missed this feeling. He’d missed more than he’d bee
n willing to admit to anyone, the simple act of making love to his wife.

  His hands hungrily and greedily moved all over her body. He wrenched with desperation to get her clothes off, and when he had her completely naked he stopped and took in the sight of her. She was beautiful. She wrapped her legs around his waist, and it was all so familiar to him. He knew that this was her sign to tell him that she was ready for him.

  He slid inside of her and felt her back arch upwards. He searched for her lips with his own, and felt her legs fasten tighter around him as he continued to move inside of her. He could feel the all too familiar sensation of her nails being dug into the backs of his shoulders, and he heard her breath catch more than once. He saw her faint half smile, and he smiled as she let out a small scream of pleasure.

  He’d missed this. He’d missed her body, and he’d missed being able to make her cry out this way. He’d missed her faint half smile and what that meant, and he’d missed being able to look out for it. He’d missed feeling her legs wrapped around him, and he’d missed feeling her nails being dug into the backs of his shoulders.

  Charlie kissed him and he caressed her tongue with his. Yet when she pulled back from him and he heard her breath catch again, he was no longer able to control himself and he gave way to the inevitable.

  Matt rolled off Charlie and lay on his back breathing deeply with his eyes closed, but as he lay there – his heart rate returning to normal, he felt Charlie rest her head upon his chest.

  “If I’d known it was going to be like that,” she said; “I might have let you kiss me a while ago.”

  He smiled in spite of himself.

  “Was it always that good?” Charlie asked him with a note of curiosity in her voice, and he could feel the light touch of her finger tips moving slowly around his belly button.