Splintered Memory

by Natascha Holloway

  Emily raced to the door and opened it, and she ran to catch up with him. “Matt,” she called.

  He turned round and looked at her quizzically.

  “If it was as you say most likely a lie then you won’t care,” Emily said; “but I need to tell you.”

  Matt stood there waiting patiently, and Emily composed herself.

  “Charlie has her memory back,” Emily said.

  She waited for Matt’s reaction. She had expected him to either be relieved or to be furious with her for not having told him sooner, but he seemed nonplussed.

  “As I said,” he said; “Claire’s nothing but trouble.”

  He walked away and Emily watched him go, and as she walked back inside the house she felt confused. She sat down again on the sofa and replayed the conversation that they’d just had in her head, but still she couldn’t fathom out what his nonchalant response to her revelation about Charlie had meant.

  She got up to make a drink, and as the kettle boiled it came to her. Matt had never trusted Claire, and Claire had never liked Matt. It had been a lie. Claire must’ve told her what she had in an attempt to sabotage their relationship. Well the plan hadn’t worked. Their relationship had ended because Matt couldn’t commit, and he’d known that she’d wanted and needed him to.

  Emily walked back into the living room and sat down on the sofa again, and as she did she looked at the one photo in the room of the two of them together. It had been taken at Rich and Bex’s wedding, and she couldn’t help but get up and walk over to it. Matt had his arm around her and they were smiling, but where she looked genuinely happy she saw that he looked distracted.

  She’d wanted him to love her desperately, but he hadn’t and now he’d left her. She was all alone again, and as this realisation hit her she began to cry once more.

  Matt

  He hadn’t been able to get anyone to cover his Sunday shift for him, so he’d stayed on Rich and Bex’s sofa on Saturday night. During his Sunday shift he’d managed to arrange cover for his shifts on Monday and Tuesday, and he was already scheduled to have Wednesday off. He’d also called Claire, and after she’d ranted at him for five long minutes he’d finally been able to explain the reason for his call. He’d told her that he’d broken up with Emily and that he was coming down to see Charlie tomorrow. He’d wanted to know where she worked, and how to get there.

  Claire had quickly forgotten that she’d hated him, and that she’d been furious with him, and she’d given him all of the information that he’d needed. It had also transpired from their conversation that she still had the divorce papers that he’d signed. So he’d arranged to meet her to pick them up before going to see Charlie, but when she’d asked him why he’d wanted them he’d said that it was difficult to explain. It had been, but largely because he hadn’t known why he’d wanted them.

  Matt had sat on the train from Birmingham New Street to London Euston feeling like a school boy again. He’d felt excited, but at the same time agitated. He’d found the journey incredibly tiresome, and the train had seemed to stop at every single station between Birmingham and London. He’d kept running through in his mind what he might say to Charlie when he saw her, but everything had seemed contrite and overly articulated.

  He’d tried to make some notes, but that had seemed a bit ridiculous. What was he going to do he’d thought? Find her, sit her down, and give her a speech from his pre-prepared notes? He’d wondered if he should just kiss her, or maybe the first thing he ought to do was confront her about her memory. Yet maybe he should deal with that last he’d thought, or maybe he should just skip that part entirely and just tell her that he wanted her back.

  Every which way he’d thought about talking to Charlie the conversation seemed fraught with issues, and he was terrified about how to approach the subject of his drug addiction. He’d felt irritated and he’d begun banging his fist against his head trying to think of the best way to deal with that, but he’d stopped when two businessmen in seats nearby him had stared at him.

  When he got off the train at Euston, Claire was there waiting for him as promised. He gave her his overnight bag, which she’d agreed to take back to her flat for him, and she handed him his divorce papers which he put into his satchel styled shoulder bag that he was keeping with him.

  “Matt, you need to relax a bit. You’re looking dishevelled and it’s not very you,” Claire said putting her hand on his shoulder and smiling.

  Matt looked at her and knew that he was feeling incredibly anxious.

  “Look,” Claire said; “I’ve got you an underground ticket already. You need to go down the escalators and get onto the northern line bank branch going south. Get off at London Bridge and take this,” she said giving him a hand drawn map. “When you get off at London Bridge, follow this map. If you get lost, honestly, you’re either blind or an idiot, but if you do just ask someone for Hays Galleria. Okay?”

  Matt nodded, putting the map in the back pocket of his jeans.

  “I’ve asked Charlie to meet me outside her offices at five. She’s agreed, but I had to twist her arm a bit as she doesn’t normally leave work much before seven. I figured this would give you guys longer to chat though. Also it’s a Monday night so the bars around there won’t be too busy. Plus it’s a nice day,” she said; “so if it is busy around there you should be able to sit outside and talk.”

  Matt was taken aback by how much thought Claire had put into all of this and he said; “thanks.”

  Claire laughed and said; “nice person remember?”

  Matt smiled and Claire rolled her eyes at him.

  “There are loads of places to eat or to get a coffee down there too, so you should be able to keep yourself occupied till five. If you haven’t got a book or a paper or anything, there’s a WH Smith over there,” Claire said pointing towards the back of the station.

  “I’ll be fine,” Matt said.

  “Okay, well then I guess I’ll see you later. Hopefully,” she said crossing her fingers and smiling at him before kissing him on the cheek.

  Matt watched Claire disappear into the crowd, and once she was gone from sight he headed for the underground.

  It only took him twenty minutes to get to where Claire had said Charlie’s offices were, and he looked at the postings of all the businesses in the building to make sure that he was in the right place. He spotted the name of the firm that Claire had told him that Charlie was working for, and satisfied that he was where he was supposed to be he walked into the nearest pub and ordered a pint of shandy.

  He took his drink from the bar and went and sat at a table in the window where he spent the next quarter of an hour people watching. He then went and got another pint of shandy and decided to do some work. He pulled out some notes from his bag, and he set about trying to keep himself busy.

  At a little before five, Matt left the pub and went to wait outside Charlie’s offices. He was feeling nervous, and he could feel that his hands were clammy and his stomach was doing back flips. It also wasn’t helping that as he stood waiting, watching the streets getting busier with the earliest part of the rush hour beginning, he kept getting bumped into and he thought that there was a good chance that he might miss Charlie. Yet as he thought this, she stepped out of the doors to her offices.

  She was wearing a tight fitting grey pinstripe dress. It had a round neck, and the hem was just above her knee. Her hair had grown since the wedding but it still looked well styled, and he thought that she looked stunning as she swept her fringe out of her eyes as she looked around for Claire.

  Matt smiled as he noticed the trainers that Charlie was wearing. She’d never have sported trainers with her work clothes in Birmingham, but she’d obviously adapted to the London commuting shoe attire. He walked over to her, and watched her reaction as she saw him.

  “Hi,” she said obviously surprised at seeing him.

  “Hello,” he said smiling.

  “What are you doing here? I mean it’s just a bit weird to see y
ou here,” she said.

  He knew that he’d completely thrown her. He could also see that she was unsure of what to say, and she kept anxiously looking around for Claire. He guessed that she was hoping that Claire’s appearance, would give her the well needed excuse that he felt sure that she was looking for to be on her way.

  “Claire’s not coming,” he said making her look at him with even more surprise than before.

  “How do you know I’m meeting Claire?” She asked at the same time as being jostled by a harassed looking business man.

  “Do you want to move somewhere quieter?” Matt asked; “and then maybe I can explain.”

  “Okay,” Charlie said. Yet no sooner had she spoken than she was jostled again. This time though by a couple of tourists wearing I love the London Dungeons T-shirts. Matt laughed and Charlie rolled her eyes and said; “tourists!” She then smiled and asked; “pub or coffee shop?”

  “I’ve been sat in a pub around the corner most of the afternoon. Want to head there?” He asked.

  “Okay,” she said again.

  Matt led the way, but as they walked there wasn’t any conversation between them and he couldn’t help thinking that their encounter was already off to a bad start.

  “Drink,” he said once they were inside the pub and they were stood at the bar.

  She nodded and said; “I’ll have a white wine spritzer. Soda…”

  “Water not lemonade,” Matt finished for her smiling. He knew what she drank.

  “Back again?” The barman asked him, and Matt nodded and smiled and said to Charlie; “want to grab a seat and I’ll bring them over.”

  She nodded again, and then walked over to the table that he’d just indicated to with a tilt of his head. He followed her with his eyes until she sat down, and then he turned his attention back to the barman and ordered the drinks.

  He sat down in front of her and put the drinks down. Charlie sipped hers, but looked at him cautiously as she did.

  “So, which question do you want me to answer first?” He asked trying to give her the cheekiest smile that he could muster, which he knew had worked because she smiled straight back at him.

  “Where’s Claire?” She asked still smiling.

  “Okay,” he said; “well that I actually don’t know, but I do know that she asked you to leave work at five. I spoke to her yesterday and saw her earlier, but it was always the plan that I’d be meeting you from work.”

  “Since when did you and Claire plan anything, or even chat for that matter?” She asked him quizzically.

  “Yeah, we haven’t exactly been the best of friends over the years have we?” He asked.

  “You think?” Charlie asked sarcastically.

  “No, but then neither do you apparently?” He asked deliberately trying to sound mystified by this.

  He saw Charlie start to panic and he knew that he’d caught her off guard, but he felt guilty for playing with her like this and he decided to tell her right away that he knew about her memory.

  “I know that you’ve got your memory back,” he said.

  “What?” She asked clearly trying to feign confusion but looking as guilty as sin as she did.

  “Let’s just say that your best friend and my best friend are both useless at keeping secrets,” he said smiling if only to try and lighten the moment.

  “When did you find out?” She asked, but she was looking at him so guiltily that he was starting to feel guilty for making her look at him this way.

  “I found out on Saturday,” he said.

  Charlie looked lost for words, and the awkwardness and tension between them continued to mount. Matt was actually starting to think that their silences were becoming audible.

  “I’m not angry or upset with you,” he said reaching out to touch her hand.

  She looked from his hand, which he’d put on top of hers, to his face where she met his eyes head on. “I didn’t want you to know,” she said sounding apologetic.

  “I know,” he said.

  The silence surrounded them again, and it was clear to him that she had no idea what to say to him. Then he wasn’t sure that he knew what to say to her either.

  “I’ve broken up with Emily,” he said.

  “That’s not what I wanted. I’m so sorry. I could kill Claire and Rich,” she said.

  “Please don’t,” he said smiling. “I quite like my best friend, and yours is finally starting to grow on me. Plus I’m glad they told me. I’m glad I know.”

  “But I’ve ruined your relationship with Emily,” she said guiltily.

  “Erm no,” he said smiling at her; “I’m not sure you can take the credit for that.”

  “Oh,” she said. She then smiled cheekily and asked; “did she get fed up with the terrible conversation, laziness around the house, and poor standard of sex?”

  Matt burst out laughing and said; “in a nutshell.”

  “No seriously,” Charlie said no longer smiling. “Did you end things before or after you found out about my memory?” She asked looking intently into his eyes again.

  “After, but,” he said holding up his finger to silence her before she could say anything. “The relationship hadn’t been working since it’d started. I don’t love Emily. I never loved her. I’ve never got over you,” he said sincerely.

  “I’m sorry that I walked out on you,” she said.

  “I’m not,” he said honestly. “If you hadn’t then you might never have gotten your memory back.”

  He guessed that Charlie was conceding this point, because she just shrugged in response.

  “I’m sorry that I was such a rotten husband to you when you had no memory,” he said.

  “Please don’t say things like that,” she said putting her right hand on top of his. “It was a rotten situation, and you did the best that you could. The best that anyone could have done, but I didn’t know how to be around you and I pushed you away. God, Matt, if it had been the other way around I don’t think I could have coped with you not knowing me.”

  He felt a huge wave of relief. It seemed that all of the guilt that he’d felt about how he’d handled those six months after she’d come home from the hospital had suddenly gone. To hear her say that she didn’t think that she’d have been able to cope had the shoe been on the other foot, seemed to have him in some way absolved him of his guilt about how he’d been with her. He no longer felt as torn apart as he had done just minutes earlier. She didn’t hate him, and she didn’t blame he thought happily.

  “Thank you,” he said.

  “Thank you,” she said.

  “What for,” he queried.

  “For trying for as long as you did,” she said.

  The guilt rebounded and hit him squarely in the chest again. This was it he knew. This was the moment where he had to come clean with her about everything, and he could only hope that she’d still be this understanding towards him then.

  “Charlie,” he said pulling his right hand out from between the two of hers; “there are some things that I have to tell you, and when I’m done you might not feel the way you do now.”

  “Okay,” she said. Unfortunately he heard the hesitancy in her tone, and he could see the look of uncertainty in her eyes. Yet he took a deep breath and began.

  For the next however many minutes – he didn’t know how long it was, he talked and Charlie listened. He told her everything without limitation. He told her about the one night stand that he’d had with Emily the night before they’d slept together and she’d left him, and about all the other women that he’d been with after she’d gone. He talked openly about his relationship with Emily, and how had it not been for her he may have overdosed. He told her about how he’d continued to treat patients despite being high, and how he could easily have killed someone.

  He was honest with her about his drinking, his drug addiction, and about how low everything in his life had gotten. He explained to her about hitting rock bottom, and how he’d pushed everyone away to the extent where
Emily had been the only one able to help him. He told her about rehab, and he explained why Emily had had to move in with him when he’d come home.

  When he finally finished talking he looked into her face, and he waited for her to respond. Yet she didn’t, and there was silence between them for more than four minutes before Matt was unable to stand it any longer. He reached for hands and said; “Charlie, please say something.”

  She pulled her hands away from him, and she refused to look up at him as she said; “I don’t know what to say. There’s just so much going on inside my head right now.”

  “Tell me,” he said.

  “I’m angry with you for turning to drink and drugs. I thought you were better than that, but I feel guilty that I drove you to that. I’m feeling jealous, and hurt, and betrayed, but I’m also really annoyed with myself. What the hell have I been doing? Why haven’t I been sleeping around? I feel badly for Emily, and not just for the way you’ve treated her but because of all the horrible things I’ve thought about her. Mostly though, I just feel guilty. I feel unbelievably guilty. How did I cause so much damage?” She asked desperately before finally looking up into his face.

  “The drink, but mostly the drugs, was stupid and I am better than that. But please, please don’t for a second blame yourself. I did it and the guilt lies with me. As for the other women I don’t know what to say, except to say that you have no reason to feel jealous of them. Selfishly though,” he said; “I’m glad that you haven’t been sleeping around,” and he smiled at her.

  Charlie didn’t return his smile though, and despite feeling like he’d just blown everything he said; “you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about when it comes to Emily. She’s my cross to bear and I will, but you need to know that I love you and I’m willing to do anything to make things right between us. I want you back Charlie.”

  He reached for her hands again, and he felt devastated when she pulled them away from him once more.

  “You really think we can go back?” Charlie asked him sceptically.