Walking the Labyrinth

by Hart, Lois Cloarec

  “Oh, no. I can’t believe Britten would cause such serious trouble.”

  “Fortunately the booze was all on the outside, not the inside. So after making me blow into a Breathalyzer, he let me go. No harm, no foul.”

  “Except for what my daughter did to you.”

  Lee shrugged. She wasn’t going to make excuses for her former client.

  Gaëlle sighed and patted the footstool. “Care for another head massage? I’ll be very careful. Maybe it will make up in a small way for Britten’s misdeeds.”

  Lee took a seat on the footstool and closed her eyes as Gaëlle’s hands began to work their magic. “It’s not your responsibility. As you said, she’s an adult, making her own choices.”

  “Mmm. Could be karmic debt by association, though. You can never be too careful with that hooey stuff.”

  Lee smiled at Gaëlle’s teasing. She was going to miss this woman. Which reminded her...

  “Would it be okay with you if I stay the night? It’s kind of late, and I’ll get out of your hair first thing in the morning.”

  Gaëlle was quiet.

  “Or I could leave tonight. I saw a motel in Donegal.”

  “Shhh, don’t be silly. Of course you’re not going to leave tonight. In fact, I think that maybe you should stay on a few days. You know, until your face heals.”

  “Are you sure I wouldn’t be in the way?”

  “I’m sure.”

  Lee could’ve told Gaëlle about the time she drove through a near tornado with a broken leg, or how she’d once scaled the wall of an Algerian compound with a bullet in her side. The drive back to Calgary would not tax her unduly.

  On the other hand, she wasn’t as young as she once was. A few days of rest sounded good. “Okay, thanks. I’ll stay for a day or two.”

  Chapter 8

  Lee was still sleeping when a loud knocking woke her up. She glanced blearily at the bedside clock and was surprised to see it was later than she was accustomed to rising. “Yes?”

  “Are you coming with me this morning?”

  Sleep in; walk with Gaëlle... “I’ll be ready in ten minutes.”

  “Dress warmly. The wind is pretty raw, and I thought we’d walk as far as the lake today.”

  Lee sat up and looked out the window. Gaëlle was right. It was grey and cloudy, and trees swayed in the wind. For a moment she looked back at her pillow, but it held less appeal than she’d have expected.

  True to her word, Lee was dressed and downstairs within ten minutes.

  Gaëlle handed her a trail bar and a tall travel cup. “I thought you might like something warm as we walk.”

  “Thanks. That was very thoughtful.”

  Lee was glad of the coffee. The wind signalled less a newly born spring and more a dying winter reluctant to release its hold on the land. “How far did you say we were walking today?”

  “I thought we’d go to the lake, but we can cut it short if you’d rather.”

  “How far is the lake?”

  “About forty minutes each way. I was in the mood to see the geese return, but I can always go some other time.”

  “No, that’s okay. I’m good.”

  As they hiked, Lee became acclimated to the weather. She noted that Gaëlle seemed to enjoy the wind in her face, not bothering to zip her coat all the way closed as Lee had.

  “Are we still on your land?”

  “Not exactly, but we are still on Germaine land. I retain ownership to ten acres for personal use, but the family collectively has title to over twenty thousand hectares. About half of that is under cultivation—alfalfa and hay—and the rest is range.”

  “So we could walk a long way and never leave your family’s land.”

  “Indeed.”

  “I grew up on my grandparents’ farm. They only had about seven hundred acres by the time they took me in, but it was enough to suit their needs. At one time my grandpa’s family was among the biggest ranchers in the province. My grandpa told me his mother ran a ranch in the foothills of Alberta that at its height was eighteen thousand hectares. But after she passed on, her family sold most of the land to developers. Grandpa Laird never left, though. He was such a homebody that he thought a day trip into Calgary was too far to go. He and my grandmother are buried in an old churchyard on the prairie. The town that was once there doesn’t exist anymore, but the church still stands as a heritage site.”

  “How was it that you grew up with your grandparents?”

  “My parents were killed in a car accident when I was three. My paternal grandparents raised me.”

  Gaëlle touched Lee’s arm. “I’m sorry.”

  “No, that’s okay. I don’t remember my parents, but I couldn’t have asked for a better upbringing.”

  “I’m glad. May I ask how they took it when you told them you were gay?”

  “For two people who were born in the last decade of the nineteenth century, amazingly well. Mind you, I didn’t officially come out to them until I was in my twenties. I don’t think they were surprised. And all they really said was that they wanted me to be happy.”

  “They sound like very evolved souls. Did they live long enough to meet Dana and Eli?”

  “No. Unfortunately, they died before I met Dana. I know they’d have liked her, though. Everyone did.”

  They’d come to a wooden fence, and Lee drained the last of her coffee before following Gaëlle up and over. They climbed a small rise, and Lee could see water off to their left. “Is that the lake?”

  “No, that’s just a slough. It’ll be dried up by late June. The lake is a little farther on. Are you doing okay?”

  “Sure, no problem.”

  They fell into a companionable silence as they walked.

  Soon Lee saw a small lake on the horizon. “That has to be it.”

  “It is. Welcome to Goose Lake, nesting and feeding ground to hundreds of birds, including my personal favourite, Canada geese.”

  “Why are they your favourites?”

  “Because their call from overhead stirs something in my soul, and because their migrations are harbingers of the seasons.”

  “Huh.” Lee shrugged. “They’re kind of pests in Calgary. It’s cute in the spring, when their fluffy, yellow goslings are running around, but at one point there were so many in Prince’s Island Park that you couldn’t walk around without getting goose grease on your feet.”

  Gaëlle lifted one rubber-booted foot. “Which is exactly why I wear Bog Boots that I can rinse off. Between cattle, horses, dogs, and geese, it’s better not to think what’s underfoot when you’re walking Germaine land.”

  Goose Lake was a combination of grasslands, wetlands, and open water. It reminded Lee of a busy urban airport with flights continually arriving and departing.

  Gaëlle stopped to watch a pair of Canada geese circle overhead and land on the shore.

  Lee watched Gaëlle. “You really do love those birds, don’t you?”

  Gaëlle smiled at her. “I do. Sometimes I spend hours out here.”

  “By yourself?”

  “Usually. Sometimes Wally comes with me.”

  “Did you bring the kids with you when they were young?”

  “Not often. It was a bit far for little legs, and when they were older, they were more interested in being with their friends than with their mother. But now and then I’d make a picnic, put Britten in her wagon, and Dale and Jill would keep me company.” Gaëlle pointed at a single goose approaching the lake. “That’s unusual. They’re monogamous and mate for life, so either that one lost its mate to a hunter or it’s young enough that it hasn’t found its mate yet. It makes me sad to see them solo, though.”

  “You don’t think they can live a satisfactory solo life? That’s kind of depressing.”

  Gaëlle studied Lee. “Are we still talking about the Canada goose?”

  “Yes. No. I don’t know.”

  A stiff gust of wind sent a chill through Lee, and she shivered violently.

  Gaëlle
took her arm and turned her about.

  “Come on. Let’s start back. There will be warmer days for bird watching.”

  Lee could tell Gaëlle was deep in thought as they walked back. Finally, Lee broke the silence. “I didn’t mean anything by what I said. I didn’t mean to imply your life was depressing.”

  “It’s all right, Lee. We’re both in the same boat, aren’t we? I’ve just been paddling for a lot longer, that’s all.”

  “I didn’t even try to paddle after Dana died; I just gave up.”

  “And yet here you are, so at some level you didn’t give up completely.”

  Lee shook her head. “No, I gave up at every level. Eli told me he half-expected to come downstairs one day and find my body hanging from a rafter.”

  “Was he wrong to think that?”

  “No, he wasn’t. I thought about it. Hell, I thought of many ways I could end it all, but something always stopped me.”

  “What stopped you?”

  “I don’t know. Whenever I’d start thinking seriously about suicide, I’d get unbelievably tired, drained, you know? So I never had the energy to put any plan into motion. Even so, Eli said I was trying to kill myself when I’d ride my Suzuki during the winter. Maybe he’s right, but if so, it wasn’t conscious. I just felt free on my bike. For a little while I could focus on the ride and simply forget.”

  “And now?”

  “Now? Now I’m relieved that I didn’t do anything stupid. Well, anything stupider than what I did. Makes me wonder, though, how long I’d have gone on if my family and friends hadn’t intervened.”

  “Then I’m very glad that they did.”

  “Me too. It was Dana’s doing.”

  “It was? How so?”

  “She set it up before she died. She wrote me a letter and left it with my friends. She told them to give it to me after a year, and if I wasn’t getting on with my life, they should intervene and rescue me from myself.”

  “It must’ve been a magic letter.”

  Lee laughed. “No, it was just Dana being Dana. She always knew how to handle me; she combined equal measures of love and kick-ass. Basically, she told me to stop being an idiot, how much she loved me and that she always would. She said there were amazing things awaiting me, and it was time to seek them out, because I would dishonour our love if I gave up. She finished by telling me she’d always be around. I don’t know if I believe that, though.”

  “I do.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’ve felt Hugh and Owen in my life throughout these past three decades.”

  “Seriously? You don’t mean you hear them talking to you, do you?”

  “That would be too hooey, eh?”

  “Hell, yeah!” Lee gave Gaëlle a friendly elbow. “If you’re going to tell me there are ghosts in that old farmhouse, I’m outta there tonight.”

  Gaëlle chuckled and shook her head. “No ghosts, I promise. Hugh and Owen didn’t linger when they passed; they’re not haunting me. They do, however, communicate in their own fashion.”

  “No way. How?”

  “When Hugh was alive, he was always the first in the kitchen. I’d tend to the children while he made coffee. For months after he died, I couldn’t make morning coffee because I’d break down. Then that fall, the day after I began to build the labyrinth, I woke to the smell of coffee.”

  “Dale learned how to make it?”

  “No. There was no coffee on when I went to the kitchen. There was no coffee on down in the library, either. I checked. I assumed I must have dreamed it. But it happened again and again. Not every day, but regularly enough so that I knew I wasn’t imagining it.”

  Lee tried to come up with a logical explanation but failed. “Okay, I guess I can see why you’d think that was a sign. What about Owen?”

  “The last Christmas we shared in this life, Owen gave me a set of chimes. They weren’t expensive or fancy, but he was so proud because he’d picked them out himself. I promised that, come spring, we’d hang them over the deck and enjoy their chimes together. He died before spring, and I couldn’t bear to do anything with them all that summer. After I started smelling the coffee, I chanced across the chimes where I’d stuffed them in the back of the closet. On a whim, I put them up in my bedroom. One morning soon afterwards I woke to their soft sounds filling my room.”

  “A breeze from a window?”

  “There weren’t any windows open.”

  “Maybe a heating vent was blowing at them?”

  “The furnace was shut off.”

  “Huh. And this has happened ever since they died?”

  “After the first time, it happened consistently for about a year then it became more infrequent. It’s rare now.”

  “Why would that be?”

  “Because they know I’ve banished all my doubt. I don’t need reassurance that they’re alive and well; I know they are. So they’ll pop by every now and then to say hi, but they’ve got their own concerns to tend to.”

  “You make it sound like...I don’t know...like they’re just in another town.”

  “In a way that’s true. They’re in a place where I can’t touch them right now, but they’re fully alive to me. I know I’ll see them again one day.”

  A wave of anguish swept through Lee. “Why you? Why not me? Why hasn’t Dana sent me some kind of sign? Do you know what I’d give to have that?”

  “Yes, Lee, I do.”

  “Then why?”

  “I’m conjecturing here, but from what little you’ve told me, you were so deep in mourning that you could barely function, yes?”

  “Yeah. I was a mess.”

  “As was I the first eight months after the accident. Having to care for my kids was the only thing that kept me sane and barely sane at that. It wasn’t until I pulled myself together enough to focus on something else—in this case, building the labyrinth—that Hugh and Owen were able to reach me. I think, like mine was, your grief has been too intense for Dana to make contact.”

  Lee considered that, amazed that she was lending any credence to such a thing.

  Seeming to read Lee’s mind, Gaëlle smiled. “I know—hooey. Still, if you open your heart and quiet your mind, I bet you find amazing things will happen. The other side is very subtle, though. You have to be aware of all that’s around you.”

  “How do you know these aren’t all coincidences? How can you be so sure?”

  For the first time, Gaëlle was hesitant. “I’ve had other...experiences, which solidified my belief. Plus I’m not the only one Hugh’s contacted.”

  “Who else?”

  “His brother, Scott. Not that Scott will talk about it, because it shook him up so deeply. Nell told me about it in confidence years ago. Seven months after Hugh died, Scott had been working late baling hay. He’d almost lost the light by the time he quit and headed back to the barns. He told Nell that something off to the side caught his eye, and when he turned his head, he saw Hugh standing in a field, lit by the setting sun, smiling at him. It only lasted a moment, and then Hugh was gone.”

  “Do you think he really saw Hugh? I mean, he was tired after a long day’s work. He might’ve been thinking about his brother and just imagined he saw him.”

  “Except Scott is the least imaginative person I know, and he told Nell that all he’d been thinking of at the time was having a cold beer. Nell certainly believes her husband saw Hugh. And of all the brothers, Hugh and Scott were the closest.”

  “Have you ever seen Hugh?”

  “No, but I long ago reached the point where I can feel when he’s around.”

  “Are you jealous that he would appear to his brother and not you?”

  “Oddly, I’m not. I’ve never been uncertain of, or insecure about, Hugh’s love for me and the kids, and that’s only been reinforced since his death. But Scott is such a practical, no-nonsense sort of man that it would take something radical to make him believe. Seeing his brother’s spirit was that something.”

  “
Did it change him? Does your brother-in-law believe in all this...hooey now?”

  “Not exactly, but I do think it planted a seed that’s grown enough to crack open his closed mind. Thirty years later, Scott is still processing his experience, but he definitely hasn’t forgotten or dismissed it.”

  As they walked and talked, they had reached the labyrinth. Lee stopped and stared at the trampled outline. “Do you think there’s any chance...do you think Dana will ever contact me?”

  “Are you open to that? Or would you find any excuse to dismiss the contact as imaginary?”

  “I don’t know, Gaëlle; I really don’t. It all sounds so unlikely. But to feel Dana again, to know she’s alive somewhere and still loves me...I can’t think of anything that would mean more to me.”

  “It accelerates healing even more than the passage of time.”

  Lee turned to face Gaëlle and noted how ruddy her cheeks were from the wind. “Are you healed?” She was surprised when Gaëlle didn’t respond with an automatic affirmative.

  “Am I? Most days I think so. I’m certainly well past the devastation of that first couple of years. But there are still moments when the longing for Hugh’s arms around me, the ache to hug my first-born son again, is almost more than I can bear. But those moments are few and far between now, and understanding that they’re both alive in another form has helped me immensely.”

  Another gust of wind blew a loose tendril of hair across Gaëlle’s face. Lee almost reached to tuck it back but caught herself. “Is that why you’ve stayed single all these years? Because you can’t imagine anyone taking Hugh’s place?”

  Gaëlle looked past Lee at the labyrinth. “Hugh’s place in my life and my soul are his own. His soul is not interchangeable with any other. That doesn’t mean there isn’t room in my life for another soul.”

  “But you haven’t found that other soul?”