Walking the Labyrinth
Page 21
As she made the first turn onto the second circuit, Lee heard the distant call of a Canada goose. Grateful for the blithe omen, she sent an acknowledgement to the Universe.
With each step along the path, Lee found it easier to stay in a contemplative state. She didn’t focus on the centre and the woman waiting there; she stayed in the moment, deeply conscious of the grace growing within.
By the time Lee stepped onto the seventh circuit, she experienced connection: with the world she walked; with the universe that surrounded her; and with each step closer, with the woman at the centre of the labyrinth.
Lee stopped at the edge of the centre and locked gazes with Gaëlle.
Now Lee was close enough to see the joy that filled Gaëlle’s eyes and the tears that trickled down her cheeks. She took the final step and entered the heart of the labyrinth. “I’m sorry, Gaëlle. Every moment since that night I ran, I’ve regretted my cowardice. I know I can never make it up to you—”
Gaëlle crossed the short space between them. “No, stop. I was just as much to blame. I should’ve told you.”
“Why didn’t you? We talked about so many things, but that never came up.” Lee wasn’t angry; she was curious. For a woman of such integrity, it seemed like a curious lapse.
“You may find this hard to believe, but it’s not something I ever dwell on. It happened. I dealt with it. I moved on. I was so consumed with the joy of what was growing between us that until Jill told me how you reacted, it never occurred to me that you deserved to know.”
“It could happen again. The cancer could recur.”
“It could. I don’t think it will, but, yes, it’s a possibility.”
“I couldn’t face the thought of loving you and then losing you.”
“And yet, here you are.”
“Here I am.”
“I’m so very glad, Lee. I’ve missed you terribly.”
“I should’ve taken your calls. I should’ve explained why—”
Gaëlle laid soft fingers against Lee’s lips. “I knew why.”
“Did you know I’d come back? Did Wally tell you?”
“No. He didn’t know one way or another. He reminded me that you loved me, but there was no knowing what you’d ultimately decide to do.”
“Free will, eh?”
“Yes.”
“Then I freely choose to do this.” Lee reached for Gaëlle. Their lips met, softly at first as they re-established their connection, then with a growing hunger as they celebrated their reunion.
When they broke apart, Gaëlle mumbled breathlessly, “Give me your keys.”
“Why?”
“Because you are not leaving this time until we finish this.”
Lee laughed and held Gaëlle closer. “No worries, my love. I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me.”
Gaëlle leaned back in Lee’s arms, her expression suddenly sober. “Seriously? You’re going to stay? Because if you leave it open-ended, I’ll want to keep you here for the rest of your life.”
“That’s fine with me.”
“What about your job, your company?”
Lee grinned. “Wil fired me. I’m footloose and fancy-free.”
“What? How could he—?”
“I’m just kidding. About the fired part, not about staying here.” Lee led Gaëlle to the stone bench. She sat astride on an edge.
Gaëlle promptly straddled Lee’s legs with her own.
Lee locked her hands behind Gaëlle’s back, enjoying the gentle touch that traced her face.
Gaëlle asked, “You truly are serious? You’re going to stay?”
“I’ve got a lot of loose threads to tie up at home, including resolving finances with Wil. I don’t plan to sell out, and I know Wil wants to keep both our names on the business, but we’ll figure it out. Oh, and I only have the clothes on my back. But, yes, if you’ll have me, I want to stay.”
Lee abruptly found herself lying back on the bench, with Gaëlle on top. She laughed and cried as she smothered Lee with kisses.
“If I’ll have you? Are you kidding? After I waited all these years, I’m not letting you out of my sight.”
“Fine by me.”
Gaëlle snuggled into Lee and idly toyed with the buttons on her shirt.
Lee considered that although she was lying on a stone bench and her body ached from the long ride, she was remarkably comfortable. But she soon decided there was a much better place they could be. “Are Dale, Dechontee, and Janjay still at the house?”
“No, they went back to Guinea two days ago.”
“So Dale and Dechontee have married?”
“Yes, last weekend. We all worked like madwomen to pull it together in such a short time. I was glad to be so busy. It kept my mind off...”
“Me.”
“Your absence.”
“I’m sorry I missed Dale’s wedding. And I wish you could’ve been with me last night for Eli’s.”
Gaëlle unbuttoned the top half of Lee’s shirt and slipped a hand inside. “I’d have liked that. I look forward to meeting your family and friends soon.”
“I suspect your family will be far less happy to see me than my family will be to meet you.”
“Please don’t worry about that. I explained the situation, and they understood. They won’t blame you.”
“Even Janjay?”
“Even Janjay, and considering the cultural taboos in her country, her and Dechontee’s accepting attitudes are pretty remarkable.”
“I take it Guinea is not fond of its LGBT population?”
“No, though it’s not as bad as in some African countries. There are laws against homosexuality, but they’re not as radical as some places. We wouldn’t be put to death for holding hands, but we could be thrown in jail for a few months.”
“Mmm. So when we go over there, we probably shouldn’t do what you’re doing at the moment.”
Gaëlle’s hand stilled, and she chuckled. “No, we’ll definitely have to be more discreet. Does that mean you’ll come with me when Jill and I go to Dale’s and Dechontee’s ceremony?”
“Where you go, I go...if you want me along.”
“I thought we’d settled that.”
As Lee rolled upright, she carried Gaëlle with her. “We have. Right now I’d really like to settle in some place a little softer, if that’s okay with you. I haven’t taken such a long ride in many years, and I think my body is going to pay for it.”
Gaëlle wriggled off Lee’s lap and stood up. “You rode your bike all the way here? You must be exhausted. C’mon. Let’s go back to the house. I think a hot bath and a soft bed are in your future.”
Lee pulled Gaëlle in for another kiss. “As long as you’re in my future, that’s all I care about.”
When they left, Lee turned to look at the centre of the labyrinth. A symbol resembling a sideways figure eight was done in lighter stone that was surrounded by darker stone.
“I see you settled on a design.”
“I did. The night you left, I didn’t sleep much. Toward morning I thought of the infinity symbol, and I knew that’s what I had to use. It was two days before I had time to get back to the labyrinth. By the time I did, Wally had piled up all the stone I’d need to carry out my concept.”
“What does it mean to you?”
“The loops are an endless configuration. For me, it signals the infinite nature of love and the soul as opposed to the finite nature of physical life.”
They walked the circuits, Lee following Gaëlle as she considered that. “Love outlives death.”
Gaëlle smiled over her shoulder. “Exactly. To quote the poet Phillip Larkin, ‘What will survive of us is love.’”
“That can be pretty cold comfort.”
“I know. When the warmth and nearness of the one you love has been ripped from you, it’s hard to believe that love does endure, in both the physical and metaphysical sense.”
“Do you think Hugh, Owen, and Dana miss us the way we miss them?”
“That’s what I couldn’t get past—the potential sorrow of losing you.”
“I know, love. And I admire your courage in taking that chance.”
They’d reached the threshold stone. Gaëlle stopped and closed her eyes. Lee stepped up next to her. She knew Gaëlle always concluded a labyrinth meditation this way, and she waited quietly.
After a moment, Gaëlle reached for her hand, and they began the walk to the house.
“I’m not really courageous, you know. It still terrifies me to think of your cancer coming back.”
“And the thought of you riding your bike all through the night scares me. Bikes aren’t that safe to begin with, and you probably hadn’t slept since the previous night.”
“True. So if I’d been killed in an accident...”
“I’d have grieved deeply for you, but in time I’d remember that our love survived, and that I’d be with you when my turn came.”
“Okay, I have a question. You loved Hugh, and now you love me. I loved Dana, and now I love you. Who will we be with when we cross over? Old spouse or new?”
Gaëlle laughed and squeezed Lee’s hand to her chest. “Trust you to come up with a question like that.”
“And it’s not like you to dodge a question.”
“I’m not dodging. We’re surrounded by loved ones when we initially cross, but eventually we sort ourselves out and rejoin our soul groups. That doesn’t mean we can’t be with souls from other groups. Not at all. But there are different levels to the afterlife, and you’ll congregate with souls at the same level.”
“What you were saying to Dale about kindergarten and university level souls?”
“Exactly.”
“We’re probably not on the same level, are we?”
Gaëlle shrugged cheerfully. “No idea, and it doesn’t matter one bit. We all evolve at our own speed. Look at my children. Dale is more spiritually advanced than Britten, but I love my youngest deeply, too. I’ll be there for her when she crosses, and I’ll never stop loving her. Owen was the oldest soul of all of us, except for Wally. Owen only spent twelve years on this earth and has been gone thirty. But I know when I see him again, I’ll feel the same love I did the last time I hugged him.”
“So I won’t have to compete with Hugh for your attention when I cross?”
“You won’t need to be competitive, Lee. When love abounds, you don’t have to fight over scraps.”
“And on this side? Do I have to compete with Wally and Dale and Emmy G and Janjay and—”
“Dear one, your place in my heart is unique. But love isn’t rationed. My heart simply expands to encompass all whom I love.”
“I can’t help feeling a little jealous.”
Gaëlle stopped walking and faced Lee. “Why? Should I be jealous of Eli or Willem or your best friend, Marika?”
“No, of course not.”
“And why not?”
“Because I sure don’t want to do this with them.” Lee kissed Gaëlle with exquisite tenderness. They lingered until they were both breathless.
Gaëlle wrapped her arms around Lee’s neck. “I am very, very glad of that.”
They laughed together and embraced for a long moment before resuming their walk.
“I forgot to tell you that I ran into Wally on my way here.”
“Did you stop to talk to him?”
“I did. He seemed happy to see me. He called me a wacky wombat. What I want to know is why you get to be a heavenly body and I’m relegated to being an Australian marsupial.”
“Hey, don’t ask me. I’m not responsible for my brother’s language choices.”
“Which reminds me, did you ever tell Wally what we found out about your common biological father?”
“I did. He was rather excited about the whole idea. I ordered DNA kits online. They should be here next week.”
“Cool.”
They walked in silence for a few minutes. Lee’s mind drifted wearily over all they’d spoken of. “Does the pain ever completely disappear?”
“Pain?”
“Of losing someone. I can think of Dana now and not feel the desperation and agony I first felt. I know that’s in large part because of you...not only because I fell in love with you, but also because of what I’ve learned from you. But I wonder sometimes if I’ll ever stop being haunted by the way she died, the terrible pain she suffered through. Does the way that Hugh and Owen died still affect you?”
“It did for a long time, but I came to understand that the method of departure really doesn’t matter. Cancer, car accident—the way our loved ones leave is simply the vehicle they use for stepping from this life to the next.”
“But you told me that Hugh and Owen were killed instantly. Dana spent months slowly dying. Surely that’s far worse.”
“I understand your reasoning, but didn’t Dana’s slow death give you two an opportunity to say everything you needed to say? Wasn’t it, in that sense, a gift in disguise?”
“A gift of thorns.”
“Life is often thorns, but there are roses to be found among them.”
“I do remember one afternoon almost at the end. Dana had been moved to a hospice. I was the only one there at the time. She asked me to hold her. I was afraid to do it because I didn’t want to hurt her, but she insisted. As carefully as I could, I moved onto the bed and cradled her. We talked a little, but mostly Dana just rested. She was down to less than ninety pounds and felt unbearably light as she reclined against me. I think at some level I knew it would be the last time I would hold her like that. I thought my heart would literally break. Now I think about how much you would’ve given to hold Hugh and Owen once more, even knowing they were about to leave you for good. I guess what I had was sort of a blessing.”
“It was.”
They walked into the yard and entered Gaëlle’s house.
Lee looked up the stairs to the second floor. The fatigue that had vanished while she walked the labyrinth returned in full force. Lee grasped the rail, and Gaëlle took her arm. They trudged up and paused at the base of the stairs to the attic suite.
“Maybe I should just crash in my old room for a few hours. It’s not like I’m going to have any energy for anything else anyway.”
Gaëlle smiled and rubbed Lee’s back soothingly. “Don’t worry. I won’t try to take advantage of you in your depleted state. But it’ll be worth your while to go up one more flight.”
“Promise?”
“I do.”
Lee summoned the last of her reserves and climbed.
Inside the suite, Gaëlle directed her to a recliner and gave her a gentle push. “Sit here. I’m going to start the bath. I’ll be right back.”
Lee nodded; she was too tired to respond. Gaëlle disappeared through a door, and Lee stared at the bed longingly. It took a few moments to sink in, but Lee eventually realized she was looking at something familiar.
Gaëlle returned and knelt at Lee’s feet to unlace her boots.
“Hey, that’s my shirt, isn’t it?”
“It is. You dropped it when you left.”
“I remember now. So why is it on your bed?”
“It makes a very good nightshirt.”
“It does, eh?”
Gaëlle pulled Lee to her feet and steered her in the direction of the bathroom. When Lee entered, she whistled. By any standard, this was a luxurious set-up. White and silver marble tiles lined the walls and floor. A huge jetted bathtub was rapidly filling with sweetly scented bubbles. It faced a picture window that looked out over the prairies, north to the labyrinth.
Lee grinned. “I did not know about this side of you.”
Gaëlle fini
shed unbuttoning Lee’s shirt and pants. “I admit it, I’m a hedonist. I love this tub. But it’s not purely physical. I also find being immersed in water is a fabulous way to meditate.”
“Right now, all I care about is the physical.” Ably assisted, Lee hurriedly threw off her clothes and slipped into the water. She moaned with delight. “Oh, my God, this is heavenly.”
Gaëlle laughed as she picked up Lee’s clothes and draped them over a chair. “I thought you might like it. Soak as long as you like.”
“You know, there appears to be room enough in here for two.”
“I thought you were exhausted.”
“I am, but it doesn’t take a lot of energy to share a bath.”
Gaëlle smiled and began to undress. She tossed her pants aside, then hesitated for just a moment before she allowed her shirt to slip from her shoulders and turned to face Lee.
Lee met Gaëlle’s gaze steadily, a refusal to flinch from the clear evidence of Gaëlle’s battle with cancer.
Lee extended her hand.
Gaëlle took it and stood motionless beside the bath as they regarded each other.
Lee drew Gaëlle’s hand to her mouth and kissed it gently. “Join me, my love.”
Gaëlle brushed her hands over her eyes and stepped carefully into the bath.
For just a moment, Lee wished that she was twenty again. As a youngster, she could go on a forty-eight-hour field exercise and still have the energy for lovemaking when she returned to base.
Now...not so much.
Gaëlle slipped into the water and settled back into Lee’s arms.
Lee revelled once again in the blissful sensation of a lover’s naked body in her arms.
They rested together in the hot water and watched the clouds build up over the land.
“Storm’s building.”
“I’m glad I got here before it did.”
Gaëlle rolled slowly to face Lee. “So am I.” Her body rested on Lee’s as she began to trace her fingertips lightly over Lee’s face. When they lingered on Lee’s lips, Lee took them gently between her teeth.