by H. M. Bailey
Hannah’s Christmas Hope
H.M. Bailey
Copyright © 2012 H.M. Bailey
All rights reserved by the author. No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted by any means without the consent of the author.
Hannah Miller inhaled deeply, filling her lungs with the cool winter air. It was invigorating and made her feel alive. Her boots crunched the snow on the trail through the woods behind her parents’ house as she reflected on how much peace these woods had brought to her over the years.
When she was a girl, whether she’d had a fight with her parents or girlfriends, a breakup with a boyfriend or just a down day, a walk through the woods never failed to calm her and lift her mood. It was almost like magic.
Three years ago when she had moved back to her parents’ home after becoming a widow at twenty-six years old, the woods had brought her more comfort than anything else did and helped her deal with her grief. She tried to get out for a walk every day with her seven year old son, Andrew, taking advantage of winter days that were brisk, yet mild enough to enjoy. He grew to love the woods as much as she had; they were a playground to him.
Realizing that she must have gotten a bit ahead of Andrew, she turned around to look for him when she heard him call for Shadow.
“Shadow! Come on, boy!” He yelled and whistled but there was no response.
Hannah looked around, scanning the woods and thinking that against the background of white snow and bare trees, a black lab shouldn’t be hard to miss. Oddly, there was no sight of the dog. And the way that Andrew’s little brow was furrowed told her how worried he was. Shadow was his best friend in the world.
“It’s okay, sweetheart, he’s lived here for three years now. He knows these woods well. He probably caught the scent of some animal’s trail, maybe a rabbit or something. He’ll be along soon.”
Shadow had been a Christmas gift to Andrew the last Christmas they’d celebrated as a family with his father. That was BMD. Before Michael’s death. Events in the timeline of her life were now classified as BMD or AMD. It was Michael’s idea to name the puppy, who was as adorable and mischievous as the little boy he was gifted to, Shadow, because he hoped that the two would be inseparable friends; that the dog would be as a shadow to his son. Thankfully, in the dark days when the little boy needed a friend the most, Shadow had lived up to his name.
Hannah knew that Shadow would join them soon and wanted to keep her son from worrying too much, so she put her arm around him as they walked together. “I think Grandma Tess told me she’s making your favorite dinner tonight.
“Lasagna?” he asked, his eyes still searching the woods.
“Yep, that’s right. In fact, I’ll bet you that Shadow probably ran ahead and will be waiting for us when we get home. He loves Grandma’s lasagna almost as much as you do. Look, we’re not too far, I can see the house from here.”
Though the day had been sunny and pleasant, as far as winter days go, by the time they got home, the afternoon sun was setting and Hannah and Andrew were ready to warm up by the fireplace. When they arrived, sure enough, Hannah’s father, David, had started a fire for them. She didn’t even have time to get a thank you out of her mouth before Andrew rushed past her and then past Tess, who had come out to welcome them home, yelling for Shadow.
“Shadow! Did Shadow come back here, Grandma?”
“Shadow?” Tess asked confused, “I thought he was out on a walk with you and your mother.”
“He was with us, but ran off when we were in the woods and we thought maybe he came home,” Hannah answered.
The look of disappointment in Andrew’s blue eyes was hard for her to see. Every day, Andrew was growing more and more to look like his father, with his All-American blond hair and blue eyes, the exact same shade as Michael’s had been. Hannah was so grateful that physically he took after his father instead of her. Every time she looked into her son’s eyes it was a gift to her, which was why it upset her to see fear and worry in those eyes.
“Hey now, Buddy, no need to worry yourself like that. Those woods are like a playground for dogs, even more so than they are for boys like you. You know how sometimes you’re at the playground and you lose track of time and don’t want to leave? I’ll bet that’s what happened to Shadow.” David’s voice was soothing and reassuring as he placed his hand on Andrew’s shoulder.
“How about we eat some of your grandma’s delicious lasagna and if he’s not back when supper’s over, you and I will go out and look for him.”
Andrew shook his head, not quite ready to make a deal. “But, I think that we should go look for him right now? Please can we go now?”
Hannah could tell by the look on her dad’s face that he was about to give in to Andrew’s pleas; he had a hard time saying no to his grandson. “I want you to warm up for a little bit and get some food in your stomach first,” she interjected, so her dad wouldn’t have to. “It won’t take that long and then you won’t get hungry when Grandpa takes you out to find him.”
Hannah wasn’t worried about Shadow being in any danger. Growing up in this home, their dogs had been outside dogs, roaming the woods and coming and going as they pleased. They were a bit out of town, so there were no busy roads to worry about.
At dinner, despite it being his favorite meal, Andrew barely picked at his lasagna. His sad blue eyes were in a focused gaze at his grandpa, silently urging him to finish his meal so he could head out in search of Shadow. Tess and Hannah tried to talk to distract Drew and convince him to eat more of his dinner when David finally set his napkin down and met Andrew’s gaze with a twinkle in his eye.
“I think we’ve made Drew wait long enough. Sitting in front of a dinner that he’s not going to eat isn’t going to accomplish anything. Come on, Buddy, let’s head out and find Shadow.”
Before his grandfather had even finished getting the words out, Drew was out of his chair and rushing to get his coat and boots on. Once they were sufficiently bundled up and loaded with Shadow’s favorite treats, they headed out into the night on their mission.
Hannah stood in front of the big window, watching them walk off as Tess began to clear the table. She noticed that even though Hannah was looking outside, her eyes seemed to be staring vacantly into the night as if her mind were somewhere else.
“Penny for your thoughts, dear,” Tess said, breaking Hannah out of her trance.
“Oh, I was just thinking about Andrew and Shadow. I’m sure they’ll find him, but if anything ever did happen to that dog, I don’t know if Andrew could take another blow like that. That dog is his best friend and is what got Andrew through losing his dad.”
“He’s been doing so well, too, hasn’t he? It’s nice to have such a happy child in the house. I know that Christmas might be a hard time, though. How have you been handling it this year?”
Hannah turned from the window and walked into the kitchen to help her mother clean up. It wasn’t that often that it was just the two of them in the house and she knew her mother was asking questions that had probably been on her mind for a while. She hated that her mom worried so much about her and wanted to put her mind at ease.
“I’m fine,” she told her mother and then after seeing her mother’s look of disbelief, added, “No, really, I am. I mean, I don’t know if I will ever completely get over it. I’ll always love him and it will always bother me that Andrew has to grow up without his father in his life, but each year it’s gotten easier. The pain is not so raw.” Her mother grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze.
“You are a strong woman, Hannah, and I’m proud of how you’ve held up.”
“I’m not strong. I just did what any mother would do. Life goes on and I had to keep living. For Andrew. An
d you’ve been strong for me, too. I don’t know what I would have done without you, even now that I’m teaching again, you and Dad help me out so much. ”
Tess brought a stack of plates over to the sink and set them down. She turned to face Hannah and was about to say something but then stopped and changed her mind.
“What is it, Mom?” Hannah asked.
“Well, we put you first in our life just like you put Andrew first. And you are a wonderful mother because of it. But…well…sometimes you need to take care of yourself, too. “
Hannah knew where this was going and she didn’t like it.
“Maybe you should think about dating again. It’s been three years, Hannah, and I know that Michael would want you to be happy.”
Hannah’s cheeks burned hot as she turned from the sink to face her mother.
“I am happy! And honestly, being a second grade teacher and a mother keeps me too busy to date. It’s something that honestly never even crosses my mind. ”
“It’s Christmas break now, dear, you have time to date.”
Hannah laughed and shook her head.
Tess smiled innocently. “I’m just saying, you’re not busy now. Do your mother a favor and put some serious thought into it. You are still so young. I want you to find a partner in life, someone to grow old with…”
Hannah blinked away tears as she loaded plates into the dishwasher. “But Mom, I had that. And I don’t want to have to go through losing it again. I couldn’t take it.”
“There are no guarantees in life, dear, but love is worth the risk. It’s always worth the risk.”
Hannah felt a lump in her throat. She didn’t want to discuss the subject any more. “I’ll finish up in here for you. You look tired, why don’t you go sit in front of the fire.”
“Thank you, I am a bit tired. But Hannah, give it some thought.”
Hannah responded only with a nod.
*
After the kitchen was cleaned up, Hannah thought she’d take advantage of Andrew being gone by wrapping some Christmas presents in her room. Wrapping always put her in a good mood and she could definitely use that after the uncomfortable talk with her mother. She didn’t want to think about dating. She wouldn’t even know how to date; it had been so many years now. It was definitely out of her comfort zone and Hannah rarely went outside of that.
And where would she even meet someone. She spent her days with second graders and then came home to spend time with Andrew, go for walks, eat dinner with her parents, work on lesson plans and go to bed. That was her life.
Then she remembered the man from the gas station. The last morning of school before Christmas break she was running late to work and was trying to pay for her gas in a hurry when she dropped her purse reaching for her wallet, spilling the contents around the feet of the other customers waiting in line. She dropped to her knees in embarrassment trying to quickly corral her phone, wallet, lipstick and everything else that had fallen out.
Suddenly she was aware of another customer on his knees, helping her gather up her stuff. She looked up to thank the stranger and her breath had caught in her throat at the sight of the thick, dark hair, forest green eyes and perfectly chiseled features. And then he smiled at her and it made her feel like she was the only woman in the whole world. Or at least in the gas station.
She had stammered a thank you and hopefully didn’t drool too much before getting up. “No problem, Hannah, I’m glad to help,” he told her.
Her heart stopped for a second. “Do I know you?” she’d asked him. He shook his head no and pointed to her school ID badge that had her name in bold letters under her picture. Ugh, it was not a very flattering picture at that.
She probably would have stayed to talk to him longer and she wished she could have at least gotten his name, too, but at the time she could feel the glare of the impatient customers waiting in line, probably running late just like she was, and so she took off. But if anyone could maybe, just maybe, make her consider getting back into the dating world, it was that stranger who had come to her rescue.
Hannah turned the Christmas music on and turned her attention to wrapping gifts. Soon she had pushed dating out of her mind and was whistling along with the music as she wrapped when she heard the front door close downstairs. She looked at her watch and didn’t realize how late it had gotten, she’d lost track of time.
As she was heading downstairs to the living room, she could hear Andrew crying. Her heart leapt into her throat as her mind filled with visions of Andrew finding Shadow dead alongside the road, hit by a car. She subdued her imagination with a quick prayer, “Oh God, please don’t take Shadow from him.”
When she got downstairs she found her mom with Andrew on her lap, rocking him, while her dad was taking off his coat and gloves. She made eye contact with him and mouthed, “Is he dead?”
Her father shook his head no. “We haven’t found Shadow yet,” he said, emphasizing the yet for Andrew’s benefit. “We walked in the woods for a while and called for him but he was nowhere to be found. And then we took the truck out along the county roads to see if we could find him. We got all the way out to Highway 12 but I don’t think he would have gone that far. We’ll have to go out again tomorrow if he doesn’t come back during the night.”
Hannah breathed a sigh of relief. At least he wasn’t dead. But she was still worried, this was so unlike Shadow. Her heart was breaking for her son. When he saw her, Andrew ran over to his mom and hugged her. “It’s ok, honey, we’ll find him.”
After a cup of hot cocoa and a hot bath, Andrew was feeling better. Hannah had talked to him about replacing his worry with making plans for what their next step to find Shadow would be. She told him that they could make flyers and post them all over the town of Sawyer Falls and Grandpa could drive around again in the morning. It seemed to do the trick and soon he was talking for other ideas to find his best friend. One of the things that amazed Hannah about her son was his optimism.
She sat on his bed as she tucked him in, performing the bedtime routine that played out every night. They would read a story or two and then say prayers. During the Christmas season, they also included his ever changing list for Santa. Sometimes he would get his prayers to God and wishes to Santa mixed up, as seven year olds are often apt to do.
“Do you think you’ll have your list ready to go by the time we go to see Santa at the mall on Sunday?” she asked him.
“I changed my list,” he answered.
“Again? I can’t keep up with you!” she laughed, but stopped at seeing the serious expression come over his small face.
“I only want two things for Christmas. I want Shadow back and…I want a new dad.”
Hannah was taken by surprise and her mouth dropped open. This was the first time Andrew had even brought the subject up. “A new dad?” was all she could manage to stammer out.
“Yeah. You’re not mad, are you? I still love my dad in heaven, but he can’t be here with me right now, you know? I want a dad who will do things with me, like play video games and hockey.”
“You have your grandparents and me to do those things with.”
“Well, you play video games with me, but I know you don’t like them. And none of you can play hockey with me. Grandpa can’t even skate anymore because he got his hip replaced. But it’s more than that…it’s just hard to explain. It’s like our family is missing something, don’t you feel that way, Mommy? I want you to have a husband, like other moms.”
Hannah just sat there, very still, not knowing quite how to respond. She was trying with all her might to keep her eyes from tearing up. She smiled at him and bent down to kiss his blond head, deeply inhaling the scent of freshly washed hair and peppermint soap.
“I don’t know about the new dad part, but I’ll do everything I can to find Shadow. I’ll say extra prayers tonight that he’ll be home before Christmas.”
After he was snug and warm underneath his quilt and the lights were turned out, Hannah was half
way down the hallway to her room to finish the present wrapping that she’d started earlier when she turned around, heading for the stairs. She had a pretty good guess where Andrew could have come up with an idea like that.
Her parents sat comfortably in front of the fire in their chairs, relaxing and chatting, when Hannah stood before them. She looked directly at her mother.
“Mom, do you know anything about Andrew’s wish for Santa to bring him a new daddy?”
“He wished for what? I have no idea what made him say that.”
She did look innocent and just as shocked as Hannah had been when she’d heard him say it. She looked at her dad to catch his reaction. He just shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe he’s the one behind his own idea,” he said to her. “He’s in school now and sees other boys his age having a father in their lives. Maybe he wants what he sees the other kids having.”
“That could be true, dad; it’s possible that it was his own idea. But, I find it oddly coincidental that the same day Mom talks to me about dating again, Andrew decides he wants me to have a new husband.” Hannah said in an accusatory tone with her hands on her hips.
“It is a coincidence, my dear. But, help me understand clearly, did he ask for a father for himself? Or a husband for you?”
Hannah felt herself blush uncontrollably and put her hands down at her sides. “Both, I guess. I can’t remember his exact words but if he’s asking for a father, then that would mean a new husband for me.”
She sat down on the couch between her parents’ chairs and stared mindlessly into the fire. “I just wasn’t ready for him to ask for that.” She looked down into her hands and quietly added, “I don’t know if I’d ever be ready to hear that he wants a new dad.”
There was a moment of silence while David and Tess exchanged glances.
“You know, dear,” Tess began, “asking for a dad doesn’t mean he’s forgotten Michael or loves him any less. Like your father said, it could just be that he’s missing a fatherly presence in his life.” Then, looking over at David, she quickly added, “No offense to you, dear, but a grandpa is different than a dad.”
