by Twain, Mark
Friday.—My mother don’t understand it. And I can’t tell her. She worries about me, and asks me if I’m sick, and where it hurts me—and I have to say that I ain’t sick and nothing don’t hurt me, but she says she knows better, because it’s the measles. So she gave me ipecac, and calomel, and all that sort of stuff and made me awful sick. And I had to go to bed, and she gave me a mug of hot sage tea and a mug of hot saffron tea, and covered me up with blankets and said that that would sweat me and bring it to the surface. I suffered. But I couldn’t tell her. Then she said I had bile. And so she gave me some warm salt water and I heaved up everything that was in me. But she wasn’t satisfied. She said there wasn’t any bile in that. So she gave me two blue mass pills, and after that a tumbler of Epsom salts to work them off—which it did work them off. I felt that what was left of me was dying, but still I couldn’t tell. The measles wouldn’t come to the surface and so it wasn’t measles; there wasn’t any bile, and so it wasn’t bile. Then she said she was stumped—but there was some thing the matter, and so there was nothing to do but tackle it in a sort of a general way. I was too weak and miserable to care much. And so she put bottles of hot water to my feet, and socks full of hot ashes on my breast, and a poultice on my head. But they didn’t work, and so she gave me some rhubarb to regulate my bowels, and put a mustard plaster on my back. But at last she said she was satisfied it wasn’t a cold on the chest. It must be general stagnation of the blood, and then I knew what was coming. But I couldn’t tell, and so, with her name on my lips I delivered myself up and went through the water treatment—douche, sitz, wet-sheet and shower-bath (awful,)—and came out all weak, and sick, and played out. Does she—ah, no, she knows nothing of it. And all the time that I lay suffering, I did so want to hear somebody only mention her name—and I hated them because they thought of everything else to please me but that. And when at last somebody did mention it my face and my eyes lit up so that my mother clasped her hands and said: “Thanks, O thanks, the pills are operating!”
Saturday Night.—This was a blessed day. Mrs. Johnson came to call and as she passed through the hall I saw—O, I like to jumped out of bed!—I saw the flash of a little red dress, and I knew who was in it. Mrs. Johnson is her aunt. And when they came in with Ma to see me I was perfectly happy. I was perfectly happy but I was afraid to look at her except when she was not looking at me. Ma said I had been very sick, but was looking ever so much better now. Mrs. Johnson said it was a dangerous time, because children got hold of so much fruit. Now she said Amy found an apple [I started,] on the doorstep [Oh!] last Sunday, [Oh, geeminy, the very, very one!] and ate it all up, [Bless her heart!] and it gave her the colic. [Dern that apple!] And so she had been sick, too, poor dear, and it was her Billy that did it—though she couldn’t know that, of course. I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her all about it and ask her to forgive me, but I was afraid to even speak to her. But she had suffered for my sake, and I was happy. By and bye she came near the bed and looked at me with her big blue eyes, and never flinched. It gave me some spunk. Then she said:
“What’s your name?—Eddie, or Joe?”
I said, “It ain’t neither—it’s Billy.”
“Billy what?”
“Billy Rogers.”
“Has your sister got a doll?”
“I ain’t got any sister.”
“It ain’t a pretty name I don’t think—much.”
“Which?”
“Why Billy Rogers—Rogers ain’t, but Billy is. Did you ever see two cats fighting?—I have.”
“Well I reckon I have. I’ve made ’em fight. More’n a thousand times. I’ve fit ’em over close-lines, and in boxes, and under barrels—every way. But the most fun is to tie fire-crackers to their tails and see ’em scatter for home. Your name’s Amy, ain’t it?—and you’re eight years old, ain’t you?”
“Yes, I’ll be nine, ten months and a half from now, and I’ve got two dolls, and one of ’em can cry and the other’s got its head broke and all the sawdust is out of its legs—it don’t make no difference, though—I’ve give all its dresses to the other. Is this the first time you ever been sick?”
“No! I’ve had the scarlet fever and the mumps, and the hoop’n cough, and ever so many things. H’mph! I don’t consider it anything to be sick.”
“My mother don’t, either. She’s been sick maybe a thousand times—and once, would you believe it, they thought she was going to die.”
“They always think I’m going to die. The doctors always gives me up and has the family crying and snuffling round here. But I only think it’s bully.”
“Bully is naughty, my mother says, and she don’t ’low Tom to say it. Who do you go to school to?”
“Peg-leg Bliven. That’s what the boys calls him, cause he’s got a cork leg.”
“Goody! I’m going to him, too.”
“Oh, that’s bul—. I like that. When?”
“To-morrow. Will you play with me?”
“You bet!”
Then Mrs. Johnson called her and she said “Good-bye, Billy”—she called me Billy—and then she went away and left me so happy. And she gave me a chunk of molasses candy, and I put it next my heart, and it got warm and stuck, and it won’t come off, and I can’t get my shirt off, but I don’t mind it. I’m only glad. But won’t I be out of this and at school Monday? I should think so.
Thursday.—They’ve been plaguing us. We’ve been playing together three days, and to-day I asked her if she would be my little wife and she said she would, and just then Jim Riley and Bob Sawyer jumped up from behind the fence where they’d been listening, and begun to holler at the other scholars and told them all about it. So she went away crying, and I felt bad enough to cry myself. I licked Jim Riley, and Bob Sawyer licked me, and Jo Bryant licked Sawyer, and Peg-leg licked all of us. But nothing could make me happy. I was too dreadful miserable on account of seeing her cry.
Friday.—She didn’t come to school this morning, and I felt awful. I couldn’t study, I couldn’t do anything. I got a black mark because I couldn’t tell if a man had five apples and divided them equally among himself and gave the rest away, how much it was—or something like that. I didn’t know how many parts of speech there was, and I didn’t care. I was head of the spelling class and I spellt baker with two k’s and got turned down foot. I got lathered for drawing a picture of her on the slate, though it looked more like women’s hoops with a hatchet on top than it looked like her. But I didn’t care for sufferings. Bill Williams bent a pin and I set down on it, but I never even squirmed. Jake Warner hit me with a spit-ball, but I never took any notice of it. The world was all dark to me. The first hour that morning was awful. Something told me she wouldn’t be there. I don’t know what, but something told me. And my heart sunk away down when I looked among all the girls and didn’t find her. No matter what was going on, that first hour, I was watching the door. I wouldn’t hear the teacher sometimes, and then I got scolded. I kept on hoping and hoping—and starting, a little, every time the door opened—till it was no use—she wasn’t coming. And when she came in the afternoon, it was all bright again. But she passed by me and never even looked at me. I felt so bad. I tried to catch her eye, but I couldn’t. She always looked the other way. At last she set up close to Jimmy Riley and whispered to him a long, long time—five minutes, I should think. I wished that I could die right in my tracks. And I said to myself I would lick Jim Riley till he couldn’t stand. Presently she looked at me—for the first time—but she didn’t smile. She laid something as far as she could toward the end of the bench and motioned that it was for me. Soon as the teacher turned I rushed there and got it. It was wrote on a piece of copy-book, and so the first line wasn’t hers. This is the letter:
“Time and Tide wait for no Man.
“mister william rogers i do not love you dont come about me any more i will not speak to you”
I cried all the afternoon, nearly, and I hated her. She passed by me two or three times, but I neve
r noticed her. At recess I licked three of the boys and put my arms round May Warner’s neck, and she saw me do it, too, and she didn’t play with anybody at all. Once she came near me and said very low, “Billy, I—I’m sorry.” But I went away and wouldn’t look at her. But pretty soon I was sorry myself. I was scared, then. I jumped up and ran, but school was just taking in and she was already gone to her seat. I thought what a fool I was; and I wished it was to do over again, I wouldn’t go away. She had said she was sorry—and I wouldn’t notice her. I wished the house would fall on me. I felt so mean for treating her so when she wanted to be friendly. How I did wish I could catch her eye!—I would look a look that she would understand. But she never, never looked at me. She sat with her head down, looking sad, poor thing. She never spoke but once during the afternoon, and then it was to that hateful Jim Riley. I will pay him for this conduct.
Saturday.—Going home from school Friday evening, she went with the girls all around her, and though I walked on the outside, and talked loud, and ran ahead sometimes, and cavorted around, and said all sorts of funny things that made the other girls laugh, she wouldn’t laugh, and wouldn’t take any notice of me at all. At her gate I was close enough to her to touch her, and she knew it, but she wouldn’t look around, but just went straight in and straight to the door, without ever turning. And Oh, how I felt! I said the world was a mean, sad place, and had nothing for me to love or care for in it—and life, life was only misery. It was then that it first came into my head to take my life. I don’t know why I wanted to do that, except that I thought it would make her feel sorry. I liked that, but then she could only feel sorry a little while, because she would forget it, but I would be dead for always. I did not like that. If she would be sorry as long as I would be dead, it would be different. But anyway, I felt so dreadful that I said at last that it was better to die than to live. So I wrote a letter like this:
“Darling Amy
“I take my pen in hand to inform you that I am in good health and hope these fiew lines will find you injoying the same god’s blessing I love you. I cannot live and see you hate me and talk to that Jim riley which I will lick every time I ketch him and have done so already I do not wish to live any more as we must part. I will pisen myself when I am done writing this and that is the last you will ever see of your poor Billy forever. I enclose my tooth which was pulled out newyears, keep it always to remember me by, I wish it was larger. Your dyeing BILLY ROGERS.”
I directed it to her and took it and put it under her father’s door. Then I looked up at her window a long time, and prayed that she might be forgiven for what I was going to do—and then cried and kissed the ground where she used to step out at the door, and took a pinch of the dirt and put it next my heart where the candy was, and started away to die. But I had forgotten to get any poison. Something else had to be done. I went down to the river, but it would not do, for I remembered that there was no place there but was over my head. I went home and thought I would jump off of the kitchen, but every time, just I had clumb nearly to the eaves I slipped and fell, and it was plain to be seen that it was dangerous—so I gave up that plan. I thought of hanging, and started up stairs, because I knew where there was a new bed-cord, but I recollected my father telling me if he ever caught me meddling with that bed-cord he would thrash me in an inch of my life—and so I had to give that up. So there was nothing for it but poison. I found a bottle in the closet, labeled laudanum on one side and castor oil on the other. I didn’t know which it was, but I drank it all. I think it was oil. I was dreadful sick all night, and not constipated, my mother says, and this morning I had lost all interest in things, and didn’t care whether I lived or died. But Oh, by nine o’clock she was here, and came right in—how my heart did beat and my face flush when I saw her dress go by the window!—she came right in and came right up to the bed, before Ma, and kissed me, and the tears were in her eyes, and she said, “Oh, Billy, how could you be so naughty!—and Bingo is going to die, too, because another dog’s bit him behind and all over, and Oh, I shan’t have anybody to love!”—and she cried and cried. But I told her I was not going to die and I would love her, always—and then her face brightened up, and she laughed and clapped her hands and said now as Ma was gone out, we’d talk all about it. So I kissed her and she kissed me, and she promised to be my little wife and love me forever and never love anybody else; and I promised just the same to her. And then I asked her if she had any plans, and she said No, she hadn’t thought of that—no doubt I could plan everything. I said I could, and it would be my place, being the husband, to always plan and direct, and look out for her, and protect her all the time. She said that was right. But I said she could make suggestions—she ought to say what kind of a house she would rather live in. So she said she would prefer to have a little cosy cottage, with vines running over the windows and a four-story brick attached where she could receive company and give parties—that was all. And we talked a long time about what profession I had better follow. I wished to be a pirate, but she said that would be horrid. I said there was nothing horrid about it—it was grand. She said pirates killed people. I said of course they did—what would you have a pirate do?—it’s in his line. She said, But just think of the blood! I said I loved blood and carnage. She shuddered. She said, well, perhaps it was best, and she hoped I would be great. Great! I said, where was there ever a pirate that wasn’t great? Look at Capt. Kydd—look at Morgan—look at Gibbs—look at the noble Lafitte—look at the Black Avenger of the Spanish Main!—names that ’ll never die. That pleased her, and so she said, let it be so. And then we talked about what she should do. She wanted to keep a milliner shop, because then she could have all the fine clothes she wanted; and on Sundays, when the shop was closed, she would be a teacher in Sunday-school. And she said I could help her teach her class Sundays when I was in port. So it was all fixed that as soon as ever we grow up we’ll be married, and I am to be a pirate and she’s to keep a milliner shop. Oh, it is splendid. I wish we were grown up now. Time does drag along so! But won’t it be glorious! I will be away a long time cruising, and then some Sunday morning I’ll step into Sunday School with my long black hair, and my slouch hat with a plume in it, and my long sword and high boots and splendid belt and red satin doublet and breeches, and my black flag with scull and cross-bones on it, and all the children will say, “Look—look—that’s Rogers the pirate!” Oh, I wish time would move along faster.
Tuesday.—I was disgraced in school before her yesterday. These long summer days are awful. I couldn’t study. I couldn’t think of anything but being free and far away on the bounding billow. I hate school, anyway. It is so dull. I sat looking out of the window and listening to the buzz, buzz, buzzing of the scholars learning their lessons, till I was drowsy and did want to be out of that place so much. I could see idle boys playing on the hill-side, and catching butterflies whose fathers ain’t able to send them to school, and I wondered what I had done that God should pick me out more than any other boy and give me a father able to send me to school. But I never could have any luck. There wasn’t anything I could do to pass off the time. I caught some flies, but I got tired of that. I couldn’t see Amy, because they’ve moved her seat. I got mad looking out of the window at those boys. By and bye, my chum, Bill Bowen, he bought a louse from Archy Thompson—he’s got millions of them—bought him for a white alley and put him on the slate in front of him on the desk and begun to stir him up with a pin. He made him travel a while in one direction, and then he headed him off and made him go some other way. It was glorious fun. I wanted one, but I hadn’t any white alley. Bill kept him a-moving—this way—that way—every way—and I did wish I could get a chance at him myself, and I begged for it. Well, Bill made a mark down the middle of the slate, and he says,
“Now when he is on my side, I’ll stir him up—and I’ll try to keep him from getting over the line, but if he does get over it, then you can stir him up as long as he’s over there.”
So he kept sti
rring him up, and two or three times he was so near getting over the line that I was in a perfect fever; but Bill always headed him off again. But at last he got on the line and all Bill could do he couldn’t turn him—he made a dead set to come over, and presently over he did come, head over heels, upside down, a-reaching for things and a-clawing the air with all his hands! I snatched a pin out of my jacket and begun to waltz him around, and I made him git up and git—it was splendid fun—but at last, I kept him on my side so long that Bill couldn’t stand it any longer, he was so excited, and he reached out to stir him up himself. I told him to let him alone, and behave himself. He said he wouldn’t. I said
“You’ve got to—he’s on my side, now, and you haven’t got any right to punch him.”
