by Twain, Mark
He said, “I haven’t, haven’t I? By George he’s my louse—I bought him for a white alley, and I’ll do just as I blame please with him!”
And then I felt somebody nip me by the ear, and I saw a hand nip Bill by the ear. It was Peg-leg the schoolmaster. He had sneaked up behind, just in his natural mean way, and seen it all and heard it all, and we had been so taken up with our circus that we hadn’t noticed that the buzzing was all still and the scholars watching Peg-leg and us. He took us up to his throne by the ears and thrashed us good, and Amy saw it all. I felt so mean that I sneaked away from school without speaking to her, and at night when I said my prayers I prayed that I might be taken away from school and kept at home until I was old enough to be a pirate.*
Tuesday Week.—For six whole days she has been gone to the country. The first three days, I played hookey all the time, and got licked for it as much as a dozen times. But I didn’t care. I was desperate. I didn’t care for anything. Last Saturday was the day for the battle between our school and Hog Davis’s school (that is the boys’s name for their teacher). I’m captain of a company of the littlest boys in our school. I came on the ground without any paper hat and without any wooden sword, and with my jacket on my arm. The Colonel said I was a fool—said I had kept both armies waiting for me a half an hour, and now to come looking like that—and I better not let the General see me. I said him and the General both could lump it if they didn’t like it. Then he put me under arrest—under arrest of that Jim Riley—and I just licked Jim Riley and got out of arrest—and then I waltzed into Hog Davis’s infant department and the way I made the fur fly was awful. I wished Amy could see me then. We drove the whole army over the hill and down by the slaughter house and lathered them good, and then they surrendered till next Saturday. I was made a lieutenant-colonel for desperate conduct in the field and now I am almost the youngest lieutenant-colonel we’ve got. I reckon I ain’t no slouch. We’ve got thirty-two officers and fourteen men in our army, and we can take that Hog Davis crowd and do for them any time, even if they have got two more men than we have, and eleven more officers. But nobody knew what made me fight so—nobody but two or three, I guess. They never thought of Amy. Going home, Wart Hopkins overtook me (that’s his nickname—because he’s all over warts). He’d been out to the cross-roads burying a bean that he’d bloodied with a wart to make them go away and he was going home, now. I was in business with him once, and we had fell out. We had a circus and both of us wanted to be clown, and he wouldn’t give up. He was always contrary that way. And he wanted to do the zam, and I wanted to do the zam (which the zam means the zampillerostation), and there it was again. He knocked a barrel from under me when I was a-standing on my head one night, and once when we were playing Jack the Giant-Killer I tripped his stilts up and pretty near broke him in two. We charged two pins admission for big boys and one pin for little ones—and when we came to divide up he wanted to shove off all the pins on me that hadn’t any heads on. That was the kind of a boy he was—always mean. He always tied the little boys’ clothes when they went in a-swimming. I was with him in the nigger-show business once, too, and he wanted to be bones all the time himself. He would sneak around and nip marbles with his toes and carry them off when the boys were playing knucks, or anything like that; and when he was playing himself he always poked or he always hunched. He always throwed his nutshells under some small boy’s bench in school and let him get lammed. He used to put shoemaker’s wax in the teacher’s seat and then play hookey and let some other fellow catch it. I hated Wart Hopkins. But now he was in the same fix as myself, and I did want somebody to talk to so bad, who was in that fix. He loved Susan Hawkins and she was gone to the country too. I could see he was suffering, and he could see I was. I wanted to talk, and he wanted to talk, though we hadn’t spoken for a long, long time. Both of us was full. So he said let bygones be bygones—let’s make up and be good friends, because we’d ought to be, fixed as we were. I just overflowed, and took him around the neck and went to crying, and he took me around the neck and went to crying, and we were perfectly happy because we were so miserable together. And I said I would always love him and Susan, and he said he would always love me and Amy—beautiful, beautiful Amy, he called her, which made me feel good and proud; but not quite so beautiful as Susan, he said, and I said it was a lie and he said I was another and a fighting one and darsn’t take it up; and I hit him and he hit me back, and then we had a fight and rolled down a gulley into the mud and gouged and bit and hit and scratched, and neither of us was whipped; and then we got out and commenced it all over again and he put a chip on his shoulder and dared me to knock it off and I did, and so we had it again, and then he went home and I went home, and Ma asked me how I got my clothes all tore off and was so ragged and bloody and bruised up, and I told her I fell down, and then she black-snaked me and I was all right. And the very next day I got a letter from Amy! Mrs. Johnson brought it to me. It said:
“mister william rogers dear billy i have took on so i am all Wore out a crying becos i Want to see you so bad the cat has got kittens but it Dont make me happy i Want to see you all the Hens lays eggs excep the old Rooster and mother and me Went to church Sunday and had hooklebeary pie for Dinner i think of you Always and love you no more from your amy at present AMY.”
I read it over and over and over again, and kissed it, and studied out new meanings in it, and carried it to bed with me and read it again first thing in the morning. And I did feel so delicious I wanted to lay there and think of her hours and hours and never get up. But they made me. The first chance I got I wrote to her, and this is it:
“Darling Amy
“I have had lots of fights and I love you all the same. I have changed my dog which his name was Bull and now his name is Amy. I think its splendid and so does he I reckon because he always comes when I call him Amy though he’d come anyhow ruther than be walloped, which I would wallop him if he didn’t. I send you my picture. The things on the lower side are the legs, the head is on the other end, the horable thing which its got in its hand is you though not so pretty by a long sight. I didn’t mean to put only one eye in your face but there wasnt room. I have been thinking sometimes I’ll be a pirate and sometimes I’ll keep grocery on account of candy And I would like ever so much to be a brigadire General or a deck hand on a steamboat because they have fun you know and go everywheres. But a fellow cant be everything I dont reckon. I have traded off my sunday school book and Ma’s hatchet for a pup and I reckon I’m going to ketch it, maybe. Its a good pup though. It nipped a chicken yesterday and goes around raising cain all the time. I love you to destruction Amy and I can’t live if you dont come back. I had the branch dammed up beautiful for water-mills, but I dont care for water mills when you are away so I traded the dam to Jo Whipple for a squirt gun though if you was here I wouldnt give a dam for a squirt gun because we could have water mills. So no more from your own true love.
My pen is bad my ink is pale
Roses is red the violets blue
But my love for you shall never change.
WILLIAM T. ROGERS.
“P.S. I learnt that poetry from Sarah Mackleroy—its beautiful.”
Tuesday Fortnight.—I’m thankful that I’m free. I’ve come to myself. I’ll never love another girl again. There’s no dependence in them. If I was going to hunt up a wife I would just go in amongst a crowd of girls and say
“Eggs, cheese, butter, bread,
Stick, stock, stone—DEAD!”
and take the one it lit on just the same as if I was choosing up for fox or baste or three-cornered cat or hide’n’whoop or anything like that. I’d get along just as well as by selecting them out and falling in love with them the way I did with—with—I can’t write her name, for the tears will come. But she has treated me Shameful. The first thing she did when she got back from the country was to begin to object to me being a pirate—because some of her kin is down on pirates I reckon—though she said it was because I would be away
from home so much. A likely story, indeed—if she knowed anything about pirates she’d know that they go and come just whenever they please, which other people can’t. Well I’ll be a pirate now, in spite of all the girls in the world. And next she didn’t want me to be a deck hand on a steamboat, or else it was a judge she didn’t want me to be, because one of them wasn’t respectable, she didn’t know which—some more bosh from relations I reckon. And then she said she didn’t want to keep a milliner shop, she wanted to clerk in a toy-shop, and have an open barouche and she’d like me to sell peanuts and papers on the railroad so she could ride without it costing anything.
“What!” I said, “and not be a pirate at all?”
She said yes. I was disgusted. I told her so. Then she cried, and said I didn’t love her, and wouldn’t do anything to please her, and wanted to break her heart and have some other girl when she was dead, and then I cried, too, and told her I did love her, and nobody but her, and I’d do anything she wanted me to and I was sorry, Oh, so sorry. But she shook her head, and pouted—and I begged again, and she turned her back—and I went on pleading and she wouldn’t answer—only pouted—and at last when I was getting mad, she slammed the jewsharp, and the tin locomotive and the spool cannon and everything I’d given her, on the floor, and flourished out mad and crying like sin, and said I was a mean, good-for-nothing thing and I might go and be a pirate and welcome!—she never wanted to see me any more! And I was mad and crying, too, and I said By George I would be a pirate, and an awful bloody one, too, or my name warn’t Bill Rogers!
And so it’s all over between us. But now that it is all over, I feel mighty, mighty bad. The whole school knowed we were engaged, and they think it strange to see us flirting with other boys and girls, but we can’t help that. I flirt with other girls, but I don’t care anything about them. And I see her lip quiver sometimes and the tears come in her eyes when she looks my way when she’s flirting with some other boy—and then I do want to rush there and grab her in my arms and be friends again!
Saturday.—I am happy again, and forever, this time. I’ve seen her! I’ve seen the girl that is my doom. I shall die if I cannot get her. The first time I looked at her I fell in love with her. She looked at me twice in church yesterday, and Oh how I felt! She was with her mother and her brother. When they came out of church I followed them, and twice she looked back and smiled, and I would have smiled too, but there was a tall young man by my side and I was afraid he would notice. At last she dropped a leaf of a flower—rose geranium Ma calls it—and I could see by the way she looked that she meant it for me, and when I stooped to pick it up the tall young man stooped too. I got it, but I felt awful sheepish, and I think he did, too, because he blushed. He asked me for it, and I had to give it to him, though I’d rather given him my bleeding heart, but I pinched off just a little piece and kept it, and shall keep it forever. Oh, she is so lovely! And she loves me. I know it. I could see it, easy. Her name’s Laura Miller. She’s nineteen years old, Christmas. I never, never, never will part with this one! NEVER.
*Every detail of the above incident is strictly true, as I have excellent reason to remember.—[M.T.
Letter to William Bowen
Sunday Afternoon,
At Home, 472 Delaware Avenue,
Buffalo Feb. 6. 1870
My First, & Oldest & Dearest Friend,
My heart goes out to you just the same as ever. Your letter has stirred me to the bottom. The fountains of my great deep are broken up & I have rained reminiscences for four & twenty hours. The old life has swept before me like a panorama; the old days have trooped by in their old glory, again; the old faces have looked out of the mists of the past; old footsteps have sounded in my listening ears; old hands have clasped mine, old voices have greeted me, & the songs I loved ages & ages ago have come wailing down the centuries! Heavens what eternities have swung their hoary cycles about us since those days were new!—What Since we tore down Dick Hardy’s stable; since you had the measles & I went to your house purposely to catch them; since Henry Beebe kept that envied slaughter-house, & Joe Craig sold him cats to kill in it; since old General Gaines used to say, “Whoop! Bow your neck & spread!”; since Jimmy Finn was town drunkard & we stole his dinner while he slept in the vat & fed it to the hogs in order to keep them still till we could mount them & have a ride; since Clint Levering was drowned; since we taught that one-legged nigger, Higgins, to offend Bill League’s dignity by hailing him in public with his exasperating “Hello, League!”—since we used to undress & play Robin Hood wi in our shirt-tails, with lath swords, in the woods on Holliday’s Hill on those long summer days; since we used to go in swimming above the still-house branch—& at mighty intervals wandered on vagrant ϕ fishing excursions clear up to “the Bay,” & wondered what was curtained away in the great world beyond that remote point; since I jumped overboard from the ferry boat in the middle of the river that stormy day to get my hat, & swam two or three miles after it (& got it,) while all the town collected on the wharf & for an hour or so looked out across the angry waste of “white-caps” toward where people said Sam. Clemens was last seen before he went down; since we got up a mutiny rebellion against Miss Newcomb, under Ed. Stevens’ leadership, (to force her to let us all go over to Miss Torry’s side of the schoolroom,) & gallantly “sassed” Laura Hawkins when she came out the third time to call us in, & then afterward marched in ^in^ threatening & bloodthirsty array,—& meekly yielded, & took each his little thrashing, & resumed his old seat entirely “reconstructed”; since we used to indulge in that very peculiar performance on that old bench outside the School-house to drive good old Bill Brown crazy while he was eating his dinner; since we used to remain at school at noon & go hungry, in order to persecute Bill Brown in all possible ways—poor old Bill, who could be driven to such extremity of vindictiveness as to call us “You infernal fools!” & chase us round & round the school-house—& yet who never had the heart to hurt us when he caught us, & who always loved us & always took our part when the big boys wanted to thrash us; since we used to lay in wait for Bill Pitts at the pump & whale him; (I saw him two or three years ago, & was awful polite to his six feet two, & mentioned no reminiscences); since we used to be in Dave Garth’s class in Sunday school & on week-days stole his leaf tobacco to run our miniature tobacco presses with; since Owsley shot Smar; since Ben Hawkins shot off his finger; since we accidentally burned up that poor fellow in the calaboose; since we used to shoot spool cannons, & cannons made of keys, while that envied & hated Henry Beebe drowned out our poor little pop-guns with his booming brazen little artillery on wheels; since Laura Hawkins was my sweetheart————————
Hold! That rouses me out of my dream, & brings me violently back unto this day & this generation. For behold I have at this moment the only sweetheart I ever loved, & bless her old heart she is lying asleep upstairs in a bed that I sleep in every night, & for four whole days she has been Mrs. Samuel L. Clemens!
I am thirty-four & she is twenty-four; I am young & very handsome (I make the statement with the fullest confidence, for I got it from her), & she is much the most beautiful girl I ever saw (I said that before she was anything to me, & so it is worthy of all belief) & she is the best girl, & the sweetest, & the gentlest, & the daintiest, & the most modest & unpretentious, & the wisest in all things she should be wise in, & the most ignorant in all matters it would not grace her to know, & she is sensible & quick, & loving & faithful, forgiving, full of charity—& her beautiful life is ordered by a religion that is all kindliness & unselfishness. Before the gentle majesty of her purity all evil things & evil ways & evil deeds stand abashed,—then surrender. Wherefore, without effort, or struggle, or spoken exorcism, all the old vices & shameful habits that have possessed me these many many years, are falling away, one by one, & departing into the darkness.
Bill, I know whereof I speak. I am too old & have moved about too much, & rubbed against too many people not to know human beings as well as we used to know “boil
s” from “breaks.”
She is the very most perfect gem of womankind that ever I saw in my life—& I will stand by that remark till I die.
William, old boy, her father surprised us a little, the other night. We all arrived here in a night train (my little wife & I were going to board), & under pretense of taking us to the private boarding-house that had been selected for me while I was absent lecturing in New England, my new father-in-law & some old friends drove us in sleighs to the daintiest, darlingest, loveliest little palace in America—& when I said “Oh, this won’t do—people who can afford to live in this sort of style won’t take boarders,” that same blessed father-in-law let out the secret that this was all our property—a present from himself. House & furniture cost $40,000 in cash, (including stable, horse & carriage), & is a most exquisite little palace (I saw no apartment in Europe so lovely as our little drawing-room.)
Come along, you & Mollie, just whenever you can, & pay us a visit, (giving us a little notice beforehand,) & if we don’t make you comfortable nobody in the world can.
[And now ^my^ princess has come down for dinner (bless me, isn’t it cosy, nobody but just us two, & three servants to wait on us & respectfully call us “Mr.” & “Mrs. Clemens” instead of “Sam.” & “Livy!”) It took me many a year to work up to where I can put on style, but now I’ll do it. My book gives me an income like a small lord, & my paper is not a good profitable concern.
Dinner’s ready. Good bye & God bless you, old friend, & keep your heart fresh & your memory green for the old days that will never come again.
Yrs always
Sam. Clemens.
Tupperville-Dobbsville
Chapter 1
THE SCENE of this history is an Arkansas village, on the bank of the Mississippi; the time, a great many years ago. The houses were small and unpretentious; some few were of frame, the others of logs; a very few were whitewashed, but none were painted; nearly all the fences leaned outward or inward and were more or less dilapidated. The whole village had a lazy, tired, neglected look. The river bank was high and steep, and here and there an aged, crazy building stood on the edge with a quarter or a half of itself overhanging the water, waiting forlorn and tenantless for the next freshet to eat the rest of the ground from under it and let the stream swallow it. This was a town that was always moving westward. Twice a year, regularly, in the dead of winter and in the dead of summer, the great river called for the front row of the village’s possessions, and always got it. It took the front farms, the front orchards, the front gardens; those front houses that were worth hauling away, were moved to the rear by ox-power when the danger-season approached; those that were not worth this trouble were timely deserted and left to cave into the river. If a man lived obscurely in a back street and chafed under this fate, he only needed to have patience; his back street would be the front street by and by.
