I don’t even bother to dry off. I just drop face first onto the bed and fall asleep, completely naked, on top of the covers, sunlight still streaming in through the windows. It’s a small comfort to know that I’m not alone in the apartment. This place might not be my home, but it feels like a home, and the low hum of people I love talking and getting on with their lives in another room is a welcome sound as I drift off into a dreamless sleep.
When I wake in unfamiliar surroundings, I don’t have the same panic that has plagued me of late. I’m not drunk, and I know where I am. I can hear familiar voices coming from the living room – Xander, Lily and… Vittoria? What is she doing here? I quickly dress in a pair of jeans and plain fitted black T-shirt of Xander’s that Lily left out for me. I doubt he’ll want these jeans back after my junk has been commando in them. I’m certainly not wearing his fucking boxers. That would be tantamount to rubbing our junk together. Fuck that! I’ll buy him a new pair of jeans. I grab the cons I was wearing last night and make my way out to the living room.
“Feeling any better?” Lily looks concerned, and it warms my heart that she still cares about me after I drove her best friend away.
“I feel a million times better. Thanks, Lil. It was nice to wake up in a bed for a change. And thanks for the clothes. I think I’ll just incinerate what I had on yesterday.” She looks at me with a confused frown. “The less said about that the better. Some things I just don’t want to know.”
“Come sit down with us. I think it’s time we had a conversation.”
“Oh fuck. Are you guys doing an intervention? I’ve really hit an all-time low now.”
Xander laughs. “It’s not an intervention. Calm the fuck down. We’re all worried about you, and I have some… information, that I think, if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll want to know.”
“I remember you said you know where she is. She doesn’t want me, man. I need to start coming to terms with that without giving myself liver disease. She moved away from everything she loved to get away from me, and if she wanted me to know where she was, she would have contacted me by now.” I slump down onto the couch next to Vittoria.
“Hey, Tori. It’s so good to see you. Wish it was under better circumstances, but it’s great that you’re here.” She cuddles into my side, wrapping her arms around my waist.
“I love you, Carter. You’ve always been there for me, and now I’m going to do the same for you. Addi and I were close before she left. She and I… understand each other. I know you saw it in her, the same brokenness that I had… have. There’s more going on here, I can feel it.”
I pull her tight to me. “I appreciate that, sis, but she made her decision. I pushed her too far and she snapped. She didn’t love me. End of.”
She wrestles out of my arms, rearing up; exasperation on her delicate features. “She loves you. How could you lose sight of that? There is obviously something else going on here, Carter. She needs you. I know you’re hurting but you need to go and get her back. Bring her home, where she belongs, with you.”
Lily cuts in. “She’s right, Carter. I have never seen Addi so in love with someone. She is head over heels for you. I know it! I don’t know what she was thinking, or what’s going on, but I need you to go and bring her home. Please. She belongs here with you, with us.”
“I don’t know, Lil. She had a lot of issues after Gavin, but she told me everything that happened with him, and I thought we had moved past it.”
“What happened with Gavin? It’s obviously more than him just cheating on her. Isn’t it?” Her voice is distressed, her mind probably racing, contemplating the awful possibilities.
“Yes, is the short answer to that. I think she was ashamed, and didn’t want you to think less of her. I can’t go into more detail. It’s her story to tell and I can’t break that trust. Maybe if she had confided in you, you would have been able to help her in a way I obviously couldn’t.”
“It’s not your fault.” Vittoria interjects.
“I thought she trusted me enough to tell me anything. I was wrong. I failed her, Tori. The same way I failed you.”
Vittoria grabs my face in her hands, forcing me to look at her.
“You listen here, Carter de Rossi, and listen well. YOU DID NOT FAIL ME! You were fourteen years old for God’s sake. There is no way you could have known what was going to happen. There was no way any of us could have known what he was capable of. You...” Tears fill her eyes as she continues. “You saved me, Carter. So many times, I could never possibly repay you. Every night you sat with me, wrapped me up in blankets and rocked me to sleep, singing to me to chase away my demons. I could never have lived through all of that without you. You have been my rock, my constant. I know that you’ve carried your own demons from that day, and that it’s effected your relationships or lack thereof with women. Do you have any idea how happy it made me to see you with Addi? You love her with complete abandon - 100% all in. I know what it took for you to do that, and how hard this must be. But think, Carter… think? Please, look back at your time with her before the night she left, and ask yourself honestly, do you really believe that she doesn’t love you? That she never loved you? Siete due corpi, ma un’anima sola.” [You are two bodies, but one soul.]
In an instant, every memory of Addi flashes before my eyes. All the times she said she loved me. The way our bodies moved so intuitively together, molded as if by fate – a perfect fit. And then it slams into my chest like a Mack Truck. How did I not see it before? There were so many times in Italy when she was trying to tell me, pleading with me to remember, no matter what, that she loves me. Holy fucking shit! She was planning to leave me when we were in Italy. This had nothing to do with me asking her to move in. Vittoria’s right. There’s something else going on. A rush of adrenaline courses through my veins, jolting me back to life for the first time in a month.
My voice is low and measured.
“Xander… where’s my girl?”
ADDI
I’m working tonight, and I’m already completely and utterly exhausted. I’ve been sick more than usual today but I’ve dragged myself out of bed to make my shift on time. I know Hank would have given me the night off, but I need the distraction and routine that working in the bar provides. I still have access to all my accounts and daddy’s money, but I need to start taking responsibility for my own life. When things settle down, I’m going to try and find an advertising job in the city, but for now the bar is just what I need.
Once I’m up and dressed I feel marginally better, taking the time to do my hair and make-up. It always acts as a little pick-me-up. That’s what my mom always told me, and I swear by it. Or at least I used to. As I sit and stare at my reflection I don’t even recognize the girl staring back at me. My eyes are sunken and tired looking, the sparkle that once glimmered brightly is gone. My hair is always scraped back into a ponytail. It’s easy for work, and I don’t have any desire to spend hours styling it to keep it straight, for no one to see. I don’t fit any of my favorite clothes. I’ve had to buy new jeans and tops, and a few skirts. There isn’t exactly much choice around here, but I managed to get some stuff delivered from the city. It’s bad enough that I have nothing that’s familiar to me, and that my ass is apparently growing exponentially, I am not giving up my favorite brand of jeans just yet, damn it!
As I pull into the parking lot of Joe’s, I have a strange feeling that someone is watching me. I look around the lot, but there’s no one there. I must be imagining it. I slam the door on my rental and head in to start my shift. I’m met by a warm welcome from the regulars and staff. It’s Saturday night and the place is packed, so I quickly don my black uniform T-shirt with ‘Joe’s’ emblazoned in big red letters across my chest and throw my bag in one of the lockers. On my way out to the bar, Hank shouts me into his office.
“Everything okay, Addi? You look pretty beat. You sure you don’t want to take the night off. I can call in one of the other girls to cover for you.” He’s alw
ays so sweet to me.
“No, I’m good. Just couldn’t sleep last night, but I want to work. Trust me, I’m better off here than I am sitting in my apartment moping and feeling sorry for myself.”
“Okay, sweetheart. But if you feel bad at any point tonight, just come and tell me and you can go.”
I give him a real, honest smile. Not something that comes naturally to me these days. “Thanks, Hank. You’re the best.”
“I know. I’m fucking awesome.” With that I take my leave, laughing all the way down the hall and out into the bar.
It’s jam packed tonight with all our regulars and some out-of-towners who were here for one of the high school football games. I’m still not up to speed on everything that goes on in this town, but I get that the team is the center of the universe for most people that live here. I get to work, taking up residence at the bottom end of the bar while Sarah works the top. The hours’ tick by quickly, serving drinks non-stop. I don’t even have time for my break, but I don’t mind. Anything that distracts me from Carter is a good thing.
Every now and then throughout the evening I get that same feeling I had in the parking lot, like someone is watching me. I scan the bar several times, but don’t see anyone looking at me, or anyone that looks out of place. I tell myself it must be my crazy hormones and overactive imagination playing tricks on me.
About an hour before closing, the party is still in full swing and I’m dead on my feet, serving drink after drink, so I’m in no mood for the douchebag that pulls up a stool in front of where I’m serving. “Hey, baby. Can I buy you a drink?”
“No thanks. I’m working. What can I get for you?”
“A beer, and your phone number.” Everything about him makes my skin crawl.
I open a bottle of beer and place it down in front of him. “Here’s your beer.”
“You forgot your number.”
“No, I didn’t. I’m flattered, but I’m not interested.”
He’s obviously had plenty to drink before sitting down to the beer I’ve just served him.
“What’s your problem, baby? You frigid? Need a guy like me to show you how to have a good time?”
I turn to walk away but he rears up over the bar and grabs my arm.
“Let go of me.”
“Don’t be so uptight. No one likes a frigid girl.” I am frozen to the spot, déjà vu of so many similar moments with Gavin flashing in my head. I would normally rip a guy like this to shreds, but that was the old me. I’m a complete wreck, emotionally and physically drained, and I panic. I start frantically searching the bar, as if by magic, my knight in shining armor will appear… my Carter. Before I know what’s happening Hank is ripping the guy’s arm off me, most likely breaking it in the process.
“Are you okay, sweetheart? Are you hurt?” I throw myself at him, clinging for dear life, my whole body shaking from the shock of what just happened.
“Thank you so much.” I begin sobbing; standing behind the bar while everyone stares at me.
Hank scoops me up into his arms and lifts me out into the hall, away from prying eyes. My hands are wrapped around his neck, my cheek burrowed into his chest, the tears flowing freely down my face. “Carter… I just want Carter.”
Hank kisses the top of my head. “I know, sweetheart. I know.” He places me on the couch in his office. “Stay here. I need to go and deal with that schmuck.”
I let my muscles relax, slumping further into the sofa cushions, emotionally exhausted by the events that have just transpired. I try to shut it all out; to flip the switch and let myself become numb, but it doesn’t work. Not anymore. He’s always in my thoughts; the permanent ache in my chest - a constant reminder of what I’ve lost.
I can hear the commotion from all the way back here, and when Hank returns, he tells me some guy that no one knows started pounding on the douchebag who grabbed me, shouting and swearing at him. Apparently, he won’t be talking, drinking, or trying to intimidate women anytime soon. They had to send for an ambulance because his face was so messed up. My unknown protector left before anyone could get his name, or thank him for standing up for me. I figure he didn’t want to be asked any questions about what happened. An assault charge would be a hell of a price to pay for someone you don’t even know. I don’t think I’ll ever hear the end of it from Sarah. She says the guy was like Hercules – a demi God, gorgeous, muscled and chivalrous. She makes me laugh when she says her panties literally disintegrated at the sight of him, and then a heavy weight settles on my chest; visions of a perfect God-like body, the most stunningly handsome face I’ve ever seen, and a soul even more beautiful, crowds my thoughts, as I fall apart. I’m so devastated by my own self-inflicted loss that I begin to wail, long, pained, soul-wrenching sobs. Sarah and Hank chalk it up to hormones and a traumatic night, and I don’t tell them any different. To say it out loud right now, would be more than I could bear.
My life is a mess, my heart broken beyond repair, and the only person in the world that can fix it, the only person that I want to be with more than anything right now – is the one person that hates me. I miss everything about him; his face, his smile, the way he held me close and made everything around us disappear. He made me feel so safe and loved, but that’s gone now, and I’m completely lost without him.
CARTER
As soon as Xander told me where she is, I headed back to my apartment, packed a bag and booked the next flight out to Dallas. I have an address and the name of the bar where she works – Joe’s. How fucking original. The flight feels endless, and I’m a little on edge by the end of it, desperate to get to my girl.
I don’t even bother going to my hotel when I arrive, instead opting to drive straight over to her apartment in the rental I picked up at the airport. When I pull into the small town, I just can’t imagine this being somewhere that Addi would choose to live. She’s sophisticated and refined, and she definitely enjoys the finer things in life. I would say this place isn’t big enough to hold her attention, but what the fuck do I know? This entire scenario just seems like a work of fiction to me. If someone explained the last six weeks of my life to me, I would swear blind that they made that shit up.
I have no idea what I’m going to find when I come face to face with Addi, or what I’ll say to her. I was so focused on getting here, on being in the same State as her, I didn’t take the time to work out what I want to say. I can’t exactly just say Hey, Addi. I know you really love me; I’ve come to take you home.
I try her apartment first, but there’s no answer, so I quickly drive all of two blocks to the bar, but as I pull up, I’m frozen to the spot when I see her slender frame getting out of a car in the parking lot. My heart lurches up into my throat, constricting my air supply. She looks fucking breathtaking. She’s too far away to see me, but I know for certain that it’s her; I could spot her in a crowd of thousands. I can’t make my hands move to open the door handle, so I just take a moment to watch her.
She turns around, scanning the lot as if she can feel my eyes on her. It sends a shiver down my spine, knowing that I still have some effect, even if she doesn’t know it. When she finally makes her way inside, I feel bereft. Just the sight of her was enough to fill at least some of the void I’ve been living with for the past month.
I stare at the door now for half an hour at least, but I can’t seem to make myself get out the goddamn car. Fucking pussy. My phone vibrates in my pocket, and when I check the display I see that it’s a message from Xander.
Xander: Found her yet?
Me: Yes and no. Outside the bar.
Xander: She at work?
Me: Yeah. Saw her go in. Been sitting outside for 30 mins. Being a pussy.
Xander: Grow a pair and go get her.
Me: Fuck off
Xander: I’m wounded
Me: Maybe I should write her love letters for days and see if that works?
Xander: Fuck off
Me: Later, Jackass. I’ll keep you posted.
He�
�s so fucking annoying sometimes, especially when he’s right. I get out of the car and make my way over to the entrance. When I pull back the door, I’m greeted with a cacophony of voices. The place is packed, with what seems to be football fans. Addi is behind the bar, working endlessly, with a swarm of customers around her end of the bar.
I decide to find a spot in the corner where I know she won’t see me, and I can just watch her for a while, until she takes a break, or it calms down a little. That doesn’t happen, and I find myself sitting for hours, but time means nothing to me. I could stare at her 24/7 and never get tired of seeing the way her body moves, and her smile, God, her smile fucking kills me. She looks tired though, and she doesn’t have the same vibrancy that oozed from every pour. I can tell, from 100 ft. away, she’s not the same girl I fell in love with.
At regular intervals throughout the night, she scans the room. I’m not sure if she’s looking for someone, but I like to think she can feel my presence. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but we used to be able to sense each other in a room full of people. It didn’t matter where she was in my club, even at full capacity I could still sense her. She’s like a magnet that I’m inexplicably drawn to, with a force I just can’t fight against. And here’s the thing – I don’t want to fight it. I just want her to remember it. Remember how it feels between us; when I whisper in her ear, when I touch her; the way I make her body shake with an intensity and euphoria that only I can give her.
I’m quickly distracted from my reverie when I see one of the guys sitting at the bar obviously trying to flirt with her. My fists ball at my sides. I know I need to calm the fuck down, but I hate the idea of anyone being close to her, when I can’t be. And then it happens… he almost throws himself over the counter to grab at her when she tries to walk away.
Relentless - Manhattan Knights Series Book Two Page 19
