All I hear is a buzzing in my ears as my blood begins to boil. A red mist of pure rage descends, clouding my vision. Everything and everyone around me becomes insignificant. They are mere obstacles in the way of me getting to Addi. Adrenaline courses through me, readying my muscles for a fight. I start shoving people out the way, pushing through the crowd… and then I stop. A big guy, probably about fifteen years older than me storms out and appears beside Addi behind the bar. He throws the asshole to the ground, and she turns to him immediately, burying her face in his chest. He holds her with a ferocity and a tenderness that I recognize well. I watch, helpless and broken as he scoops her up, her arms wrapping around his neck, her face seeking comfort against his shoulder as he carries her out of the bar, and away from me.
She’s moved on. She’s fucking moved on.
She doesn’t need me to rescue her. She doesn’t need me at all.
She really did leave because she wasn’t in love with me.
I feel like I’ve been hit in the chest with a sledgehammer. I had a glimmer of hope when I stepped in here tonight. A small sliver of a chance at the future I so badly wanted with her. And now it’s gone. I see the guy that practically assaulted Addi stumbling to his feet, and I set my sights on him - the target for all my rage, all my disappointment, all my heartbreak. I quickly make my way to where he’s hanging onto the bar, and as my fist connects with his face, I feel a marginal amount of relief wash over me. I need this, and he needs to pay for laying a finger on Addi.
“What the fuck, man?”
“Don’t you ever fucking look in her direction again, understand?”
“Fuck you. It’s none of your goddamn business. Who the fuck is she to you? Some cock tease, piece of ass.”
“Say goodbye to eating solid food, you fucking piece of shit. You don’t deserve to breathe the same fucking air as her.” I start beating him so hard my knuckles bleed.
“What. Is. She. To. Me?” I spit out between blows.
“She’s my fucking world. My fucking everything.”
No one even attempts to pull me off this guy. Obviously Addi is held in high regard already. The guys that surround me as I continually lay into this pathetic excuse of a man, are chanting and shouting for me to hit him harder, hit him again, to show him what happens when you mess with a lady in this town. I don’t stop until I hear his nose crack underneath my fist. I back off, leaving him cowering like the little pussy he is. His face is unrecognizable, his eyes black and blue, covered in blood and already swollen shut. His nose is plastered across his face, and his lips are bleeding. I stare down at my hands, cut and bloody from my own brutality. I can’t fucking breathe. I stagger through the cheering crowd and out into the parking lot, bending over with my hands on my thighs, struggling to pull in a lung full of air. What the fuck just happened?
I hold it together just long enough to get over to my car and slump into the driver’s seat. I don’t know how long I sit in silence, thinking about Addi, so close, and yet further away than ever. I start slamming my hands against the steering wheel, my frustration nowhere near exorcised by the beating I just gave Joe-fucking-Handsy back there.
I hang my head in defeat. “Come ho potuto essere così fottutamente delirante? Fanculo! Perchè, Addi, perché lui? Perché non ero abbastanza? [How could I be so fucking delusional? Fuck! Why, Addi, why him? Why wasn't I good enough?] I love you more than he ever could.”
I’m startled by a rap on the window and turn to see a pretty little redhead staring back at me. I instinctively lower the window, even though I have no desire to talk to anyone right now.
“Everything okay?” She gives me a sultry smile and I can tell she’s hot for me. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I saw what you did back there, defending Addi like that. It was really… chivalrous of you. Do you know her?” I ponder that question for a moment. Thinking about the girl I fell in love with, and the girl that I just saw swept up in the arms of another man.
“No. I don’t know her. I just don’t like dickheads that think they can take what they want without permission. No woman should have to put up with that.” I’m just trying to be honest, but I can see it’s affecting her. She lets out an almost inaudible moan before biting her bottom lip; her breath becoming shallow and erratic as I stare into her forest green eyes. “Do you know her well?”
“Yeah, she’s great. She hasn’t been here long – arrived from New York last month, running away from some guy apparently. They wanted different things, so she split and ended up here. But enough about her. Can I get you some ice for your hand… or… anything at all?”
Her tongue darts out to wet her lips and I already hate myself for being this guy. I don’t want to be a player anymore, but it’s who I am, and right now, I need to lose myself, and try to forget about Addi. I switch on the charm, and ignore the nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“I’m sure I can think of something.”
I open the door and step out of the car, looming over her petite frame; watching as her breath catches just from the brush of my hand over the swell of her breasts and down to her waist. I pull her tight against my chest and lowering my head to her ear.
“Do you like the idea of fucking a stranger in an alley, sweetheart?” She simply nods. “Does it make you wet? Make you feel dirty?” She’s panting as I continue. It’s just too fucking easy. “How badly do you want me to fuck you?”
Her voice is a breathy whisper as she answers me. “So fucking badly – anything you want, baby… please.” I take her hand in mine and lead her down the dark and dingy alleyway behind the bar.
“You got protection?” She pulls a condom packet from her pocket with a sultry grin. “Of course you do.” I drag her into the darkest corner I can find before crashing my lips down on hers. She tastes like tequila as she swirls her tongue, teasing me, biting on my lip.
I quickly unzip her jeans and push them down her legs, together with the trashy G-string she’s wearing, spinning her around to face the wall so I don’t have to look at her while I fuck her.
“Bend over, sweetheart.” Without hesitation, she offers herself to me, bracing her hands on the wall for purchase. I ram my fingers inside of her, feeling how wet she is already.
“Oh God, baby! Yes… that feels so good.” I pull out of her, moving up to spread her arousal over her clit before shifting round to cover her ass.
“Just how dirty are you?” I press my fingers between her cheeks and she backs into them without flinching.
“You can take me anywhere you want, honey.” Fucking perfect.
I rip open the foil packet with my teeth and slide the condom over my rock-hard cock, before spreading her cheeks and pressing into her, one hard inch at a time. When I’m seated to the hilt, I thrust two fingers into her pussy, massaging her clit with my thumb.
“Oh God… you’re so big.”
“Yeah… you like that? Enjoy the fucking ride.” I hammer into her, taking what I need, telling myself over and over that this is who I am, that this is what I want – dirty, hot sex, with no strings attached.
It doesn’t take long for her to spiral over the edge into an intense climax, her pussy clenching around my fingers; her ass, tight as a fucking drum around my cock. I chase my own release, pounding into her over and over again as she begs me for more - and when it comes, it’s sweet fucking relief. All of my pent-up anger and heartbreak, momentarily forgotten.
As soon as I’m done, it all comes crashing back, and I’m ready to get the fuck out of Dodge, but she has other ideas.
“What’s your name?”
“None of your goddamn business, sweetheart. If you didn’t need to know it before I fucked you up the ass, you don’t need to know now.” I give her a swift kiss on the lips before striding out of the alley without another word.
I hate what I’ve become. I’m not a player anymore; over the past month I’ve become something much worse. I’m a completely different person. Before I met Addi I slept ar
ound, but I always treated women with respect and was very upfront about what I wanted. Now I’m just another dickhead that uses women and discards them for kicks – I’ve turned into… Gavin.
That realization rocks me to my core. I’m disgusted by my own depravity. I’ve become the one thing I promised Addi I would never be. I don’t fucking deserve her… I never did. She was right to leave me, to move on, to find someone that is incapable of sinking to the depths that I just did.
When I get back in my car, it’s at least fifteen minutes before my body stops vibrating and I’m able to put the key in the ignition and leave the love of my life behind, in the arms of another man; a better man than me.
I check into my hotel just long enough to wash off the blood that’s covering my hands, and the stench of the redhead from the alley. I change my clothes and put my T-shirt in the trash. When I’m happy that I don’t look like a homicidal maniac I check out, and make my way to the airport to catch the next flight back to New York which doesn’t leave for five hours. It’s torture to be so close to Addi and know that I can never have her.
The time passes so slowly, I think I’ll lose my sanity, everything about the past few hours playing over and over in my head. The image of Addi in the arms of another man is burned into my retinas. I can’t escape it, and I can’t bear to keep reliving it. I think about the last month of my life and how I can’t keep doing this to myself and to the people around me. As much as I want to lose myself in the bottom of a bottle of Jack, I need to at least try to hold it together. I know I can’t move on – that will never be an option for me, but I can put on a front, I can stop drinking, I can stop womanizing, I can make it seem to the outside world like I’m doing okay, and maybe one day, years from now, I might start to believe it myself.
When I’m finally sitting in my window seat on the plane, I watch as Dallas becomes a spec below me. The possibility of the future I came here to salvage, lost beneath the clouds. A dream that was never meant to be.
ADDI
Two Weeks Later
My heart swells in my chest as I read and reread the email Lily sent me a few weeks ago. She’s been working flat out in her free time writing her first novel, and it’s finally ready to release. Of course, she refused Xander’s help to get it published, instead opting to submit it to some of the contacts she’s made through her new job. She handed in the manuscript under a pseudonym so as not to curry favor, and also because she knew the name Rhodes would get instant attention. She’s so amazing. I really miss her; talking, watching silly chick flicks, just laughing and joking the way we used to. I don’t know if it will ever be the same after the way I left without a word or an explanation.
Her email arrived the night after the incident in the bar, and I burst into tears as soon as I saw her name in my inbox. Needless to say, I continued crying when I actually read it. Her book has been picked up by a small independent publishing house, and it’s in production as we speak. The release is in two weeks and Xander is throwing a party to celebrate. It’s so his style and I freaking love him for it. He loves her without apology, and I really admire him.
I’ve read the same message every single day for two weeks; her plea for me to come home, if only for the release party. This is what she’s worked toward for so long, what she’s always wanted to do, and I am so proud of her, but I don’t know if I can do what she’s asking of me. If Xander is throwing the party, then he will most definitely be inviting Carter.
I’m not showing enough at this point that anyone would notice, and my morning sickness has stopped – thank God! I want to see Lily so badly it hurts. We’ve never been apart this long since the day we met. I can’t avoid her forever, and I don’t want to. If I miss this major moment in her life, I will always regret it, and she will always resent me for it. You can’t go back and fix things after the fact, and I understand how much that can eat away at you. If I could go back and change the way things happened with Carter, I would, in a heartbeat.
With my mind made up and my phone in my hand, I make the call I’ve been longing to for six weeks. It only rings twice before she answers.
“Addi?” God, I’ve missed that voice. It warms my heart and soothes my soul in an instant.
“Hi, Lily.”
Two weeks after speaking to Lily, I’m here in New York, standing in my old apartment, which my parents decided to keep, praying I would come home. It feels so empty without Lily, and haunted with memories of Carter; I can barely breathe.
I had to go and buy a new dress for the party, because nothing in my wardrobe even remotely fits me now. I decided to go with something sexy and fitted, because if I go for anything else, people really would start talking. I’ve opted for a black Audrey Hepburn style dress, covered in a layer of the finest black French lace. I think I can pull it off, the black concealing the small rounding of my belly. I have a killer pair of peep toe heels and my hair is straight and sleek down my back – no easy task! My make-up is minimal tonight, mainly because I’m exhausted by the time I’m done showering and styling my hair.
I’m ready just in time to leave for the Four Seasons – Xander’s venue of choice. I told them I could just grab a cab and meet them there, but they insisted on sending David to pick me up. Lily asked me to fly in yesterday so that we could spend some time together, but I just couldn’t do it. If I had seen her one-on-one I would have broken down and told her everything, and it would have ruined her big moment. I promised her that I would stay for a few days, and I will, but tonight is her night, for her to revel in her achievement. Tomorrow I’ll sit down with her and explain what’s going on. The only thing I can’t tell her is who the father is. It’s best that I keep that piece of information a secret… from everyone.
When the doorman calls to tell me David is waiting downstairs, I feel like my body is on fire, my stomach lurching up and into my throat. I know I’m going to see Carter tonight, and I have no idea how he will react to me, or how I’ll react to him. I grab my bag and head downstairs, my heart beating so fast I’m scared I’ll go into cardiac arrest. David is ever the professional, greeting me with a smile, opening the door for me, and driving me to the party without another word spoken. It gives me far too much time to worry about what tonight will be like, around everyone that I love, for the first time in two months – my parents, Lily, and Carter. While I’m lost in my own world, the familiar streets of New York pass me by, and suddenly the door next to me swings open.
“We’re here, Miss Warner.” My brain just can’t process the fact that all of the people I love most in the world, are no more than 200 ft. from me.
I step out of the car, making my way up the steps and into the lion’s den. I feel like I’m walking the green mile, heading for the gas chamber, my body vibrating with nerves. I’m directed to the ballroom by a member of staff, and as I step into the crowd, I immediately know… he’s here. I can still sense him, scanning the room until my eyes stop, frozen, staring across the room at the chocolate-brown depths that I see every night in my dreams, staring back at me. I can see his breath catch at the same time as my own, and all I want to do is run to him, but I know I can’t make the first move. I broke everything that we had, and he has no idea why. I can’t force him to speak to me, but I’m praying he will; wanting to hear his rough, low, gorgeous voice. As I stand, willing him to stride toward me with the lithe elegance I love, he shifts his gaze to the pretty blonde trying to get his attention, turning his body away from me. It’s a blow to my already tenuous confidence that I can manage through this evening without breaking down.
I’m out of place and lonely, in a room full of family and friends, until I feel a warm hand on my shoulder and turn to see my mom and dad, the widest grins on their faces as they envelop me in a Warner family hug. Normally I would be embarrassed, but in this moment, I have never been happier to be at the center of my parents’ affection. “Oh, sweetheart, we’re so glad to see you.” My dad’s voice sounds shaky. “How are you, baby girl?”
> I squeeze them both a little tighter, hoping that my voice doesn’t betray me. “I’m okay, Daddy. I’m so happy to see you both. I’m so sorry I worried you.” My parents still don’t know that I’m pregnant, but I did tell them that I needed to get away after my break-up with Carter. I told them it was my doing, because I didn’t want them to think badly of him, and they accepted that, never pushing me for more information.
“We’re just glad you’re okay, sweetie.” My mom’s voice is thick with unshed tears, and my heart hurts knowing how badly my actions have affected everyone I care about.
“Why don’t I go get my girls some drinks?” My dad turns to head to the bar.
“Just an orange juice for me, Daddy. I have an early start tomorrow.” He nods, thinking nothing of the lie that so effortlessly trips off my tongue.
“I better go find the woman of the hour and say hi. I’ll catch up with you guys in a bit.”
“Okay, sweetheart. We’ll see you later. Please, don’t leave without saying goodbye.”
“I won’t, Mom. I promise. Love you.” I have to walk away before I start crying. The fact that they feel the need to beg me not to leave without saying goodbye to them is gut wrenching. What have I done to everyone? I hate myself for all the pain I’ve caused.
I slowly make my way through the crowds, nodding, smiling and saying the odd hello when a familiar voice grabs my attention. “The guest of honor is this way.” It’s Xander. I can see every emotion flit across his face – anger, pity, and confusion. “Please don’t ruin this for her, Addi. She’s worked so hard, against all the odds. She’s been a wreck since you left. She’s worried about you. We all are.” The small admission that he doesn’t completely despise me after what I did to his best friend is an olive branch I never expected, and it brings a lump to my throat.
I choke it back before I speak. “I won’t, Xander. I promise I won’t cause any trouble. I just wanted to support Lily tonight. I’m so proud of her. You know I love her like a sister.”
Relentless - Manhattan Knights Series Book Two Page 20
