“Don’t tell me what to fucking do.”
“Please… Gavin.” He drags me back through the crowd and down into the basement boiler room. The fear that grips me in this moment is like a vice around my chest. It’s dark and eerily quiet. No one knows we’re here.
I know what I need to do. I need to tell him why I came over tonight. That will change his mind about whatever he has in store for me now.
“Don’t ever run away like that, Addi. I fucking decide when you come and when you go. Got it?”
“I’m sorry, Gav. I was upset. Seeing you with… her.” He grabs my face in his large, strong hand, gripping me so tight that my teeth are digging into my cheeks. I taste blood.
“That’s none of your fucking business. You’re MY girl. None of those girls mean anything. You’re the one I love, baby.” He lets go of me.
“There have been others?” My voice is barely a whisper. My heart broken into a thousand pieces. The back of his hand connects with my face before I have a chance to shield myself.
“NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! You really are a dumb cunt sometimes.”
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Gavin. Please, forgive me. I love you.” He pulls me into his arms, stroking my hair.
“I forgive you. Just don’t fucking question me again, I don’t like hurting you.”
“Okay… I won’t. I have something I need to tell you.” I hesitate.
“You can tell me anything, baby.”
I take a deep breath and say the words out loud for the first time. “I’m eight weeks pregnant.” I feel his body stiffen against me, his delicate strokes on my hair becoming painful as he curls his hand into a fist, taking my hair with it.
“Is it mine?” I have never heard his voice sound so cold and void of all emotion. It’s terrifying.
“Of course it is, Gavin. I’ve always been faithful to you. There’s only you.” He pushes me away.
“You really are a manipulative little bitch, aren’t you? Getting pregnant on purpose to fucking trap me! Is that what you thought? That you could TRAP ME?” I’m speechless as I stare into his wild eyes. “ANSWER ME!”
“No… N… N… No. It was an accident, I would never try to trap you. I love you. And I love our baby.” His face slowly twists into a repugnant smirk, pure evil radiating from every pore. I instinctively wrap my arms around my stomach.
“There is no ‘OUR’ baby. We are not having a fucking baby together. Not now… not ever. You’re just a piece of ass that I keep around because you’re like a little lap dog, eager to fucking please me, and you’ll do anything I ask, no matter how much of a fucking slut it makes you.”
I choke down my fear, steeling myself to say the words he needs to hear, finding a confidence I didn’t even know I had. “I’m keeping the baby, Gavin. With or without you.”
“That’s not your decision to make.”
“It’s my body.” My pulse is racing in my ears, every instinct I have telling me to get out of here.
“The fuck it is! It’s MY body. And you are NOT having a fucking baby.” The look in his eyes is chilling.
I make a run for the door, for freedom, for safety. I reach out my hand and manage to grab hold of the handle. One twist is all it needs; all I need to get away from him.
“Oh no, you don’t. Fucking whore.” He drags me away from the door by my hair. Tearing some of it out with his brute force. “Who the fuck do you think you are? You’re just a stupid little bitch. You’re nothing.” I scramble away from him on my hands and knees, trying to find somewhere to shelter me from his wrath.
He grabs my leg, pulling me toward him, my face and stomach smacking onto the hard, concrete floor when I lose my balance. I try to grab hold of anything around me, but nothing can stop him now. He flips me onto my back, pulling me up by my shirt until his face is an inch from mine; his spit hitting my face as he speaks.
“You’re going to be sorry you tried to run away again, Addi. I warned you. But you never fucking listen.” The first punch connects with my cheek, making my head spin. He doesn’t hold back.
“Please stop, Gavin. Please.”
My words fall on deaf ears. He’s lost to the anger, the rage, and the bloodlust I see in his eyes. I curl into a ball, shielding my stomach with my arms and legs in the hopes that I can keep my baby safe from this animal.
The world around me goes quiet as I shut down. I shut off my emotions, shut out the pain… and I try to wait it out. Punch after punch, followed by his boot kicking into me, my ribs, my legs, and my back. With a final kick straight to my stomach, to our baby, he spits on me and leaves me for dead. Death would be a sweet relief from the pain, humiliation, and utter terror I feel.
I laid there for an hour before I found the strength and the courage to move. I waited until I knew the halls would be empty enough to leave without being seen. I took myself to the ER where I told them I had been mugged and attacked by a stranger. They wanted to call the authorities, but I told them I didn’t want any police involved.
While I sat in that sterile white room, waiting on a nurse returning to give me a few stitches to a cut on my arm, the worst happened. I started bleeding. It didn’t stop. Two days later my baby, was gone. Its father punched and kicked it to death… and I couldn’t do anything to stop him.
That was the moment I stopped feeling, stopped caring, and stopped loving. The day my baby died, a part of me died with it.
CARTER
It’s been an hour since they took Addi into surgery. The longest hour of my life. I’ve been pacing the waiting room, pacing the halls, feeling like a caged animal, helpless and terrified. Xander came back with fresh clothes, and I forced myself to take five minutes to get changed and cleaned in the bathroom. He’s been trying to keep Lily calm and positive, telling her how Addi will be back busting our balls in no time. I want to believe his words so badly it hurts.
Addi’s parents and mine are here now, waiting and hoping with the rest of us, and together there is a collective gasp when the door swings open and a doctor enters the room, still in surgical scrubs.
“Mr. de Rossi?” I’m standing in front of her in a flash, desperate for any news she can give me.
“Yes. How’s Addi?”
“I’m Doctor Field. I’ve been working on your wife since she came in today.” She looks around the room, a question in her eyes.
“It’s ok, doctor, we’re all family. Please, just tell us how she is.” Her eyes lock with mine, her expression grave.
“It’s not looking good.” My world just fucking stops.
“We had to deliver the baby. She’s small, but she’s fighting. They’ve taken her up to the NICU.”
She? I have a daughter?
“Addison has extensive scarring on her uterus from her previous pregnancy, and the placenta was attached to an area of scar tissue. It ruptured, causing the hemorrhage.” Previous pregnancy? Why didn’t she tell me? “We’re struggling to stop the bleeding at the moment. She’s losing blood as fast as we’re transfusing it. If we don’t manage to stop it soon, she’s not going to pull through.”
All I can feel is my heart hammering against my ribcage, trying desperately to burst out of my chest. She can’t die. She… I… We… there’s so much I want to say to her, so much time we’re supposed to have.
“Our only option at this point is to perform a hysterectomy. I know she’s very young for this, but it’s her only chance of survival, and even then, I can’t guarantee that she’ll make it through the surgery. Her body is very weak. If we remove her uterus, it will give her a 50/50 chance.”
I feel Xander’s hand on my shoulder, and realize that everyone is standing around me, waiting for me to speak. I look at Addi’s parents, their faces distraught, devoid of color, their lips set in a grim line as they give me an imperceptible nod.
“Do it. Do whatever it takes to save her. Please.”
“We will. I can promise you that.” She makes her way to the door, turning just before she d
isappears from sight. “I would urge you go and see your baby, Mr. de Rossi. She’s fighting for her life, and hearing her daddy’s voice will be a big comfort to her.” And with that massive revelation, she heads back to the OR.
I completely fucking lose it.
“CAZZO… FUCK!” I lash out, punching straight through one of the walls in the waiting room. Xander is behind me, holding onto me, like he’s the only thing holding the broken pieces of me together.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Carter.” He pulls me back and into his arms. “She’s a fighter. She’s going to fucking fight to come back to you. To you and the baby.”
I cling to my best friend, my brother, hoping to garner some strength from him. “I can’t do this without her man. I need her. She’s fucking everything to me. This can’t be how it ends.” Tears well in my eyes. My desperation thick and heavy in my voice. “The last conversation we had, I told her I couldn’t trust her, and that it would never work between us. I told her I would be there for her and the baby, but that our relationship was over. That can’t be the last thing I ever say to her.”
“She knows you love her.”
“I didn’t fucking mean it, any of it. I was hurt and scared and I thought it was for the best. Now it just seems so fucking stupid. I love her, and I need her more than my next fucking breath. A world without her in it, isn’t comprehensible to me. It just isn’t right.” Lily comes to wrap her arms around us both.
“Lily, I’m so sorry. If I had never pursued her, we wouldn’t be sitting here right now, and Addi wouldn’t be… dying on an OR table. I only ever wanted to protect her, to love her, to build a life and grow old with her.”
“She’s going to get through this, Carter. Addi is going to get through this - 50% is more than enough odds for my girl to kick death’s ass. She loves you, and she wants this baby more than anything. She’s not going down without a fight.”
I squeeze her close. “I hope you’re right.”
I hear my mom’s voice close by. “You need to get that hand seen to. You’ll be no use to Addi or the baby with a mangled hand.” I’m suddenly aware of the pain coursing through my hand, looking down to see blood and shards of sheetrock protruding from my skin.
“I don’t want to leave here in case they come back to tell us what’s happening with Addi.”
“It’s going to be at least another hour before they come back with any information. Go. Get your hand seen to, and then come back.”
“Okay. But call me the minute you hear anything.” Xander assures me that he’ll come and find me if there is any news, and so, reluctantly I head down to the ER to find out what I already know, that I’ve broken my hand.
The staff are very understanding of my situation, fast-tracking my X-ray, and getting my hand put in a cast up to my elbow in record time. It hurts like a motherfucker, but it’s nothing compared to the pain of waiting to hear if Addi is going to live… or die.
Now is the time that I need to man up. I’m a father now, and my baby girl needs me, too.
As I step through the doors of the NICU, head to toe in scrubs, my body is vibrating with nerves and fear. I’m about to meet my daughter for the first time. This is not how I envisaged this happening. I thought, like everybody does, that Addi and I would be together, welcoming our baby into the world after nine months of waiting. Instead, Addi is fighting to stay alive, and so is our daughter. She’s ten weeks premature, and the nurses have already warned me that she’s tiny, weighing no more than a bag of sugar.
“This way, Mr. de Rossi.” A kind looking nurse leads me over to the corner, where I can see an incubator, surrounded by machines that are beeping, and tubes attached to my baby girl.
“She’s doing really well considering how premature she is. You’ve got a little fighter on your hands.”
My voice is a whisper. “Just like her mommy.”
Nothing prepares me for what I see as I stand in front of the clear box that is keeping my baby alive.
She is so incredibly tiny. She could fit in the palm of my hand, fragile, and breathtaking. She is covered in tubes and needles, with tiny bandages holding them in place. I watch the rise and fall of her almost transparent skin as the machines breathe for her, and the tiny flutter of her rapid heartbeat; my own heart swelling in my chest, overwhelmed with a love I never knew possible.
She has the smallest little hands and feet that I have ever seen, perfectly formed, and oh so beautiful. Even with most of her features obscured by tubes, it’s clear to me that she looks like Addi. A little princess, my tiny treasure. I press my hand to the glass because it’s the closest I can get.
“Hi, Tesorina. I’m your daddy. You have no idea just how much I love you. And your mom? God, she hasn’t been able to come say hi yet, but she desperately wants to meet you. She is going to be so in love with you. We’re going to be so happy together, the three of us. Us against the world. So, you just keep fighting for me, baby girl, okay? For your mom. We need you.”
I stand and stare at her, in awe, for the longest time, praying that she is strong enough to survive this. She’s so small. I have never been so consumed with love for someone in my life. I never knew this kind of love existed, until I looked into her tiny face and it hit me like a freight train. I can’t do this alone… I need Addi… our baby needs her mother.
The nurse appears at my side. “Mr. de Rossi, the doctor needs to speak to you about your wife. She’ll meet you up in the OR waiting room now.”
My heart stops beating, the gravity of what I’m about to hear weighing down on me. I’m terrified, but I need to know. I turn to my daughter, taking one last long look, before steeling myself to go and find out about Addi.
“Ti amo, Tesorina. I’ll be back soon.”
I can barely put one foot in front of the other as I make my way up to the waiting room, and when I finally open the door, everyone is looking at me expectantly, disappointment evident on their faces.
“Where’s the doctor?”
Xander stands up. “She’ll be here any minute.” He pulls me into a hug. “Did you go to see the baby?”
I manage a small smile as I remember her stunning little face. “Yeah. She’s so fucking tiny, and beautiful, and amazing. She looks just like Addi. She’s got tubes coming out of her all over the place, but she’s hanging in there… waiting to meet her mommy.”
The door swings open, and Doctor Field walks in, looking exhausted and drained.
“Mr. de Rossi.” A high-pitched whistling sound is all I hear; my body fighting against the possibility of hearing that Addi didn’t make it. That she’s… gone. “Your wife made it through surgery. She’s a tough woman.” I drop to my knees, my legs unable to support me. “It was touch and go there for a while. We had to perform the hysterectomy, but she’s going to pull through. We’ve transfused her to replenish the blood she lost, and she’ll need time to heal, but most of her recovery can be done at home. She’s a very lucky woman. The paramedics told me that you administered CPR at the scene… you saved her life, Mr. de Rossi. We couldn’t have done any of what we did today if you hadn’t stepped up when she needed you.”
“Doctor, I can never thank you enough for what you’ve done for her, for all of us. I really didn’t think she was going to make it. God… I thought… I was going to be raising our daughter alone. I can never repay you for giving my daughter her mom. For giving me back my wife.” Addi’s mom and dad drop to the floor beside me, throwing their arms around each other, and me.
I can hear Lily’s sobs of joy in the background, Xander soothing her; my mom and dad expressing how happy they are that she’s going to make it, that she’s alive, that her beautiful fucking heart is still beating in her chest.
Relief isn’t the word I would use for how I feel right now… I don’t think there is a word that could do justice to how I feel. She did it… my girl fucking fought… even when she was broken beyond repair… she fucking fought it, and came back to me, and I will NEVER let her go again.
>
I’ve been sitting next to her bed since they brought her back from surgery. She’s still under anesthesia, but just being here, beside her, holding her hand this past hour, has been more than I thought I would get with her when I found her earlier today. It’s been less than twelve hours since I walked into her apartment, but it feels like weeks. Endless hours of worry, despair, and paralyzing terror. The image of her on the floor in the kitchen will haunt me as long as I live.
I’m thankful for every breath she takes, but I realize that when she wakes up, I’ll need to tell her she will never have any more children; that we have a daughter who is fighting to survive, and that I know that she was pregnant before. Of course, that can wait until she’s ready to bring it up.
I can’t believe that after all this time, after all we’ve been through together she felt she couldn’t confide in me. I know it’s one of the reasons I told her we couldn’t work, but I just don’t care anymore. If she doesn’t trust me, then I just need to work harder to prove to her that she can trust me, with anything. If she wants to run, I’ll convince her to stay. I will do whatever it takes to make this work between us. I love her too goddamn much not to.
Her hand twitches in mine. Her eyes fluttering open.
“Carter.” Her voice is croaky and so quiet I can barely hear.
“I’m here, Tesoro. I’m here.” I gently kiss her hand, her face, anywhere I can, without hurting her.
“The baby? Is she okay?”
“She’s hanging in there, just like her mommy.”
Her eyes look pained as tears begin to fall. “I’m a mom.” She’s sobbing as I try to carefully lift her into my arms. “I didn’t think I was going to wake up from the surgery. I thought I would never see you again; that I would never get to meet her.” Her fragile body shakes in my arms, tearing me up inside to see her so distraught.
“You’re here, baby. You stepped up today and came through for our daughter, and for me. I thought… I thought I’d lost you. I’m so sorry, Addi… about everything. I love you.”
Relentless - Manhattan Knights Series Book Two Page 27
