She’s groggy from the anesthesia, and her speech is a little slurred, but the words I cling to, the words that I never thought I would hear again, fall from her beautiful lips.
“I love you, Carter.”
ADDI
I feel like I’ve been run over by a steamroller. My body aches, and I have never been so tired in my whole life, but none of that matters today, because I’m alive, and Carter is coming to take me up to meet our daughter in a few hours. It’s been three days since she was born, since I had surgery to save my life, and now I’ve got enough of the needles removed from my arms, which look like pin cushions, the doctors have agreed to let me make the journey to the NICU in a wheelchair.
I’ve been pretty out of it on painkillers over the past few days, so this morning was the first time that I really had a proper chat with Dr. Field. She told me what happened; that the scarring on my uterus from Gavin’s attack when I lost the baby, was the reason that I started bleeding out. I asked if she had informed my family of the cause, and my heart sank when she said that yes, she had. It was the only way to explain to them what had happened, and now they all know. Not one of them has mentioned it to me. Carter knows, and he has been nothing but amazing. If he’s not with me, then he’s spending time with our daughter. He only leaves the hospital long enough to get a fresh change of clothes, or to eat.
It’s been a hard few days. The day after surgery, Carter sat with me and explained that the doctors had to perform a hysterectomy to save my life, and consequently I will never have any more children. I cried for hours. Crying for the lost possibilities of the family we could have been; crying because my baby is struggling to survive, and if we lose her… it doesn’t bear thinking about.
Carter was amazing, soothing me, telling me that I am all he needs. Me and our baby girl. Nothing else matters. I know that it will probably hit me hard when I’m healthy, happy, and feeling like it would have been nice to have more children. I’m devastated, but I’m so grateful to be alive that I can’t focus on that pain right now. I need to focus on getting better, on my daughter and the fight that she faces, and on living. It’s a gift that we take for granted every day. A gift that can be taken away in a heartbeat.
Carter’s got a broken hand, but he hasn’t complained once. I asked him about it; he looked so upset at the memory. All he said was that he needed to punch something to keep from losing his shit altogether. I didn’t press him. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for him to wait, not knowing what was happening to me or the baby.
I’m deep in thought when he walks into my room, his commanding presence like a cool breeze on a summer day. I breathe him in, savoring everything about him as he presses his lips to mine.
“You ready to go meet our baby girl?”
“I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life.” He ducks out of the room and brings in a wheelchair from the hall. Not just any wheelchair, it’s been pimped out with balloons and glitter and pink!
“Your chariot awaits, my queen.”
My palms are sweating as we enter the NICU. I’m so excited, and at the same time terrified to meet my daughter for the first time. Carter and the nurses have warned me not to be scared by all the tubes and machines, but I can’t help feeling that it’s my fault she’s in here fighting for her life.
Carter wheels me into the corner, next to an incubator with Baby Warner written in neat handwriting on a pink card attached to the bottom of the Perspex box.
“Addi, meet our daughter.” As I peer inside I see the tiniest little hand with perfect little fingers. My eyes slowly take in every detail, until I reach her face. A sob fights to burst out of me, but I clasp my hand over my mouth, scared I’ll frighten my baby girl. It takes a moment to regain my composure.
“Oh my God, Carter. Look at her. She’s so beautiful. I can’t believe we made her.”
His arms wrap around my shoulders in a sweet and tender gesture; his cast rough against my skin; his lips soft on my ear. “Thank you so much, Tesoro. You’ve given me everything I ever wanted. I love you both so much.” I grab ahold of his forearm, nestling into his warm embrace. He feels like home. At this moment, with him by my side and my baby alive in front of me, my life finally feels… real. When he lets me go, I lean forward to take a good long look at my daughter.
“Hi, baby girl. I’m your… mommy.”
Tears are streaming down my face as I gaze at her stunning face. Carter told me that she looks like me, but I disagree, I think she looks like her daddy. She has a cute tuft of black hair, the sweetest pouty little lips, and the smallest nose you ever saw. She’s so tiny. It breaks my heart knowing that I should still be taking care of her, letting her grow inside my belly until she was ready to be born, happy and healthy.
“I’m so sorry.” I drop my head into my hands, only to have them gently pulled out of the way as Carter kneels before me, cupping my face in his hands.
“You have NOTHING to apologize for, Addi. You did amazing. You fought when so many people would have given up. Do you realize that you kept our girl alive, even when you stopped breathing? You came back to us when your body was broken and too weak to function on its own.” His voice is thick with emotion, his eyes full of pain. “God, Addi, they told me… they said… it was 50/50. I have never been so scared in my entire life.” His head rests on my lap as I stroke his hair; my gaze falling between him and my baby girl. We sit in silence for a few moments before he lifts his gaze to mine. Even after everything my body has been through in the past few days, his stunning brown eyes can make my stomach do somersaults. I am filled with so much love for this man. “What shall we call her? Baby Warner is cute and all, but she deserves a beautiful name.”
“I did have a thought before they put me to sleep. They told me I had a daughter, and I thought Verona was nice, but if you don’t like it we can pick something else.”
A slow, genuine smile tugs at the corner of his lips.. “Verona Warner. I love it.”
“No. Her name is Verona de Rossi.” I have never seen a smile so beautiful, so real, and filled with such all-consuming love.
“You mean it?” I nod my head, delighting in his reaction. “I don’t know what to say. Thank you, baby. Thank you so much.” His lips press tender kisses all over my face; every inch caressed by his gentle touch until he reaches my mouth. We share a heartfelt kiss, slow, soft, sensual and emotional. “I love you, Addi.”
We spend an hour with Verona, talking to her, looking at her, and just watching her breathe. The nurse came by at one point, and told us she’s doing well, and they’re feeling positive about her chances. I know it’s still early, and anything could happen, but I can just feel it; I know she’s going to pull through this. She’s a little fighter. The only reason I agree to leave her and go back to my room is because I’m in a lot of pain after sitting up for so long, and Carter insists. He lifts me back into my bed, and I just want to cling to him and never let go.
“You shouldn’t be lifting me with a broken hand.”
He lets out a small chuckle. “You weigh about sixty pounds, Addi. I think I can handle it.”
“Don’t make me laugh, it hurts.”
“Sorry. No more fun. I promise.”
Once I’m settled in and he’s rearranged my pillows and covers about ten times, he sits beside me and takes my hand in his.
“Carter. I never thanked you.”
He looks puzzled. “For what?”
“For saving my life.” He furrows his brow, obviously uncomfortable thinking about what happened. “The doctors and nurses told me what you did; that if you hadn’t stepped up and refused to give up on me, I wouldn’t be here. There is nothing I will ever be able to do to repay you for that. You gave me the opportunity to meet Verona; to tell her I love her; to tell you how much I love you, and how eternally sorry I am for all the heartbreak I’ve caused.” He lifts my hand to his lips, planting a firm kiss on my palm.
“Addi, the fact that you’re alive is all I
will ever need. A part of me died when your heart stopped beating. My world became silent in that moment. It became meaningless without you. I never want to feel that way again.”
“I’m so sorry, Carter.”
He squeezes my hand a little tighter. “Don’t ever apologize to me, Addi.”
“I’ve put you through so much. I pushed you away; I ruined what we had.”
His eyes are on fire. His gaze burning into my soul. “We both said and did a lot of things that were just fucking stupid. When I thought that the last thing I would ever have said to you was that we couldn’t be together… that love wasn’t enough… I was devastated. I don’t care about any of that shit. We have a second chance to be together, to be a family, and to make the most of the time that we have. It’s a gift, Addi, and I’m not going to squander it. You’re stuck with me.”
“Fine by me. I love you, Carter. I noticed that all of the doctors and nurses think I’m your wife.” He rolls his eyes in a playful way, before his face becomes pensive. He sits for a moment and then reaches into his pocket, pulling something out, holding it tight in his fist. His gaze locked on mine.
“Whether you ever get to the point where you let me sign a piece of paper to make it legal, or not, you are already my wife, in every way that matters.” He opens his fist to reveal a huge emerald cut ruby ring, set in platinum. “This isn’t an engagement ring, Addi. I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m never going to ask that of you. If you want to make it official at some point down the road, then you’ll need to ask me. As far as I’m concerned, you are my wife.”
He slides the stunning ruby onto my ring finger on my left hand, before kissing the tip of my finger.
“You are mine, Addison Warner, and I’m yours. I vow to be the best non-husband, husband, and the best father I can possibly be. I vow to love and protect you and our precious baby girl with every last breath I have in my body. Nothing and no one will ever tear us apart. We are a family now – you, me, and Verona.”
He moves his chair out of the way, dropping down to one knee.
“I’m here, on my knee, offering you every part of myself, Addi - 100% all in. Do you accept that?”
I’m overwhelmed by this amazing man, putting his heart on the line for me… again.
“Yes.” It’s all I can choke past the lump in my throat, but it’s all he needs.
“I love you so much. I swear I’m going to chain you to my fucking side from now on, so I know you’re safe. You okay with that?”
“Chains? You know I love it when you talk dirty to me!” That lightens the mood.
“Even when you’re incapacitated you’re still a hot little minx. I’m going to have the worst case of blue balls by the time I’m allowed anywhere near you.”
“You’re such a jackass.” I can’t help but laugh at the playful look on his face.
“But I’m your jackass, and you love me.”
“That’s true. I do love you, my non-hubby.” I glance down at my non-engagement, wedding-type ring. “When did you buy this?”
“Remember when we were in Florence, on the Ponte Vecchio?”
“Oh My God. You’ve had it all this time?” There’s a vulnerability in his smile that completely slays me.
“Yes.”
“You kept it, even when I walked out on you.” My heart breaks at how badly I screwed up.
“Of course. You’re it for me, Addi. I held onto it, hoping like a schmuck that you would come back to me.”
“You are the most amazing man I have ever met. Do you know that?”
“I am pretty awesome. You really are a lucky girl.”
I slap him on the arm, sending shocks of pain through my aching body as my hand connects with solid muscle. “Ouch.”
“Be careful, Addi. I know you love touching me, and you like it rough, but rein it in for a while, will you?” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, making me laugh, and I curl my arms around my stomach to curb the pain.
“Stop making me laugh.”
The playfulness is gone from his face as he gently wraps his arms around me, holding my body against his. “Sorry, baby. I’m just so happy to be here, talking and joking with you. I’ll take better care of you now. I promise.”
The nurse arrives shortly after to administer my pain meds, which I take, gladly. Carter stays with me while I drift in and out, becoming drowsy, before falling asleep, our fingers entwined and our hearts full; grateful to have a second chance together.
CARTER
Verona is such an amazing little girl. My tiny treasure; my Tesorina. I’ve been her daddy now for two weeks, and I can’t remember what life was like without her in it. She’s a strong little thing. A survivor like her mommy.
I’ve spent every available minute with Addi and Verona, savoring every moment with them. Addi is getting stronger by the day, which lets her spend more and more time by Verona’s bedside. Every day I have to force her back to her room to rest, and every day she fights me on it.
Verona is improving; her breathing is better, and she’s feeding well. She’s charming all of the nurses in the NICU, having someone talk to her and coo over her every minute of the day. She definitely gets that from her daddy! I could spend every second of every day just staring at her, marveling at how amazing she is, and I would never tire of it.
Today is the day that I get to take Addi home, as long as her blood results are good. She’s got a long recovery ahead, especially after the hysterectomy, but she’s so focused on Verona that it hasn’t really hit her yet. She’s managing the physical pain really well, but I’m worried about the emotional fallout for her. She still hasn’t mentioned the fact that she miscarried once before, and I’m reluctant to bring it up in case it’s just too much for her to handle at this point. All I can do is be here for her, and love her; and when she’s ready, I can listen, and try to help her through it. I just hope she lets me, when the time comes.
I stayed at my place last night rather than the hospital so that I could get Addi’s apartment organized for her coming home. It also gave me the chance to pack up my own essentials, so that I can stay with her until she’s fully recovered. I’m just praying that by then, she’ll have come around to the idea of living with me. I don’t want to be a part-time dad. I want to live in the same house as Verona, with Addi. I can’t push her, though; I’ve inadvertently done that in the past, and driven her away.
Stepping into her apartment last night was like walking in to a haunted house. Xander and Lily took care of getting it professionally cleaned, but in my mind’s eye, I could see the crimson trail of blood in the hallway; I could see Addi lying on the floor, her lips turning blue. I stood and watched it play out, like an out-of-body experience, seeing myself frantically try to revive her.
I stood frozen to the spot, staring at the floor until I heard a knock on the door behind me. The door was wide open, but I think Xander and Lily were worried they would startle me. They came to help me get the place ready for Addi, and I was grateful to have the company. We put up welcome home banners, put fresh covers on her bed, and we got a framed picture of Verona to keep her company until we get to bring her home.
I had asked Xander to get Lily’s old room cleared out over the past few weeks, so I would have a blank canvas to turn into a room for our little princess. We spent hours last night building a crib, painting the walls pink, and filling it with all kinds of furniture and teddies, and pictures that Lily picked out for me. It was around 2 a.m. by the time we finished. I know it’s going to be a while before Verona will be home with us, but I wanted Addi to see that I’m prepared for anything; that I’m ready for us to be a family. If nothing else, I’m hoping it will distract her from the ghosts that will inevitably haunt her when she walks back in here.
I was happy to get back to my apartment and crawl into my own bed. I don’t relish the idea of staying in Addi’s place for the foreseeable future, but I’ll do it, for her. I want her to feel comfortable, surrounded by her own stuff.
<
br /> When I walk into Addi’s room, I’m met with an empty bed. It’s only 9 a.m. and I know exactly where she’ll be. I leave the bag I brought for her, with some clothes to travel home in, and make my way to the NICU. Sure enough, when I open the door, I see her sitting in the corner next to Verona’s crib. What I’m not prepared for, is the tiny baby in her arms. I’ve never seen Verona out of the incubator, and the sight of her cradled in her mother’s arms is… transcendent. I have never seen Addi look more beautiful than she does in this moment.
Our baby girl is still hooked up to tubes and machines, but today, she’s also wrapped in a tiny pink blanket, sleeping like an angel. Her little hand is wrapped around Addi’s finger, and as I crouch beside them, she turns to greet me, her face glowing.
“Hi, baby. They said she was strong enough for me to hold her for a little while this morning. She’s doing so well. Look at her, Carter. Look at our baby girl. Isn’t she the most perfect thing you’ve ever seen?” I’m mesmerized as she strokes Verona’s cheek with her thumb.
“She’s perfect. You’re both perfect. God, I love you, Addi. Thank you so much for giving me a daughter. I promise I’m going to be the best dad I can be.”
Addi gently caresses my face with her free hand, lifting my gaze to meet hers. “You already are the best dad. You didn’t just save my life, Carter, you saved Verona’s, too. I know that she is the luckiest girl in the world to have you as her daddy. Would you like to hold her?”
“She’s so small, I don’t want to hurt her.”
“You won’t. Grab a chair and you can sit with her for a while.” I do as she says, my adrenaline pumping as nerves spread throughout my entire body.
I’ve been waiting for this moment for two weeks, dreaming about what it will feel like to hold my daughter in my arms for the first time, but now that it’s here, I’m scared that I won’t know what to do, or how to hold her properly.
The nurse comes over to help, lifting Verona from her mother’s arms, and placing her in mine. My breath catches in my chest, and my heart literally skips a beat when I feel the warmth of my daughter’s little body pressed against my chest. She is so small, so fragile, and yet so strong, fighting for every moment she’s had over the past two weeks.
Relentless - Manhattan Knights Series Book Two Page 28
