As I lose myself in her, taking in every tiny detail, I am overcome with an all-consuming love. Her little fingers curl around my thumb, and I fall in love with her all over again. She is sweet and innocent and mine… my daughter, my tiny treasure.
“Ti amo, Tesorina. I hope you don’t mind me stealing you away from mommy for a little while. I just wanted to give you a cuddle and tell you how much daddy loves you, baby girl.” I study her face, enchanted by how much she resembles Addi.
We spend the entire day sitting by her incubator, watching the rise and fall of her chest, marveling at the cute noises she makes, and remembering how magnificent it felt to hold her in our arms, even if it was only for a little while. One day soon, we’ll be able to take her home, and hold her for as long as we want, but for today, I will revel in the fact that I can take Addi home, and I can hold her in my arms as she falls asleep at night. It’s hard for both of us to leave the hospital without Verona, and we feel guilty about it, but I need to make sure that Addi is fit and healthy for when we do get to bring our baby girl home.
I pull Addi close as we walk out into the fresh air together. “We’ll be here all day every day until they let us bring her home, but please, Addi, let me take care of you. You need to rest. I almost lost you, Tesoro… I…”
She presses her finger over my lips. “Shhh, baby. Please, take me home.”
A wave of relief washes over me. “Your wish is my command.”
The drive over here was quiet; Addi’s mood, somber. I wanted to carry her up from the car, but she wouldn’t hear of it, insisting that she can manage the elevator ride up to her apartment. I can’t help but notice the tension in her body and the slight shaking as she leans into my side, wrapping her arms around my waist. I know this must be difficult for her – coming back here. I just wish I could make it better for her; that she didn’t need to face these demons.
I open the door and let her go at her own pace, slowly edging her way inside. She manages a small smile when she sees the banners, welcoming her back home. “You did this?”
“With a little help from Xander and Lily. There’s more. Would you like to see?” She nods her head, making sure to avert her gaze from the kitchen. It kills me to see her like this.
She struggles down the hallway towards Lily’s old room, and I don’t know if it’s the pain from surgery or the memories that are making it so hard. When I open the door to the new nursery, her face lights up, but it’s tinged with sadness. I wrap my arms around her.
“She’ll be home soon, Addi. She’s doing great and she’s going to keep getting bigger and stronger, and before you know it, we’ll be in here at 4 a.m. in the morning, crying because we want her to go back to sleep and give us a break!” That gets a chuckle, and it’s a beautifully sweet sound.
“I can’t wait.”
I kiss her hair, drinking in her scent. “Me too, baby. Me too.” She quietly sobs into my chest, and I can’t do anything to make it better, so I just hold her, for the longest time. “You need to rest. Let’s get you changed and into bed. I’ll make us something to eat. We can watch one of your god-awful chick flicks while we eat. Sound good?”
She squeezes me a little tighter. “Sounds great.”
I help her into the bedroom, and get her changed into some comfortable pajamas with funny little minions on them. Nothing like the sexy lingerie I’m used to from her, but she pulls it off, looking adorable and gorgeous.
“You okay to go to the bathroom yourself?”
She rolls her eyes at me, full of mischief. “GOD, Carter, let’s keep some mystery in the relationship, shall we? If you see me on the toilet I will officially die of embarrassment and we will never have sex again due to my immeasurable shame!”
“Well I know when I’m not wanted. Never having sex with you again is NOT an option, so I’m going to go start dinner, leaving you and the ‘mystery’ intact.”
I force myself into the kitchen, busying myself preparing something simple but tasty for us to eat. I grab my phone and put on some music to cook to. It only takes about fifteen minutes to throw together a pasta dish, which I quickly plate up and head back to Addi’s room. I guess it’s sort of my room now, too, for a while at least.
As I open the door, all I can hear is Addi, sobbing her heart out. I dump the plates on the nightstand and scoop her gently into my arms. “What’s wrong, baby? Are you sore? Are your stitches okay?” She doesn’t speak, she just continues to sob into my chest. “Addi, talk to me, baby, please. What can I do?”
“I can’t do it, Carter. I can’t do it.”
“What can’t you do, Addi?” I try to lift her face to look at me, but she just burrows deeper into my chest.
“I can’t stay here. I can see it everywhere, the blood. I can’t live here anymore. I couldn’t step over the threshold into the bathroom. I just stood there, reliving it. The hallway, the kitchen, all of it – I just can’t.”
I stroke her back, trying desperately to calm her, my heart breaking for her. “Shhh, baby. It’s okay. We don’t have to stay here tonight. We can go to my place if you want. We can stay there for a while?”
She finally lifts her gaze, with tear stained cheeks and red eyes. “But you put so much work into the nursery for Verona.”
“It doesn’t matter. All that matters, is that you’re happy. We can live on the moon if it makes you happy. And when you’re ready to move back here, then I’ll make it happen. Whatever you want, Tesoro. You know that.”
“I want to live with you, Carter… permanently. You, me, and Verona. You once asked me to move in with you and I ran away, so I understand if the offer is no longer on the table, but if it is, I want it more than anything.”
I’m elated and deflated at the same time. Overjoyed that Addi wants us to live together as a family, and devastated that she can’t bear to stay in her own apartment anymore. “Of course the offer is still there. I need you to be sure though. It’s what I want; more than I’ve ever wanted anything. You and Verona mean everything to me.”
She cups my face in her hands. “I’ve wanted this since I came back to New York. I’ve wanted it since the first time you asked me, but I know I have to earn back your trust after everything I put you through.”
I take her lips with my own, pouring all of the emotions I’ve been holding in, into this one kiss. “I was stupid, Addi. I should never have said those things to you, I didn’t really mean them, and when I thought I’d lost you for good, I was devastated that you could have… that you would never have known… that I wouldn’t get the chance to tell you how sorry I am for pushing you away. Please forgive me.”
She plants the softest kiss on my lips. “You have nothing to apologize for. I gave you good reason not to trust me. I broke your heart and when you trusted me with it for a second time, I took it for granted; I wasn’t worthy of the faith you put in me and I’m so sorry for that.”
“Tesoro…”
She stops me before I can continue. “Please, let me finish. I need for you to hear this. There are things you need to know.” She’s finally ready to talk to me, and I am ready to hear whatever she needs to say. “I’ve been punishing you for Gavin’s mistakes. I’ve let the way he treated me influence my life for the past four years, letting it seep into every aspect of my relationships, or lack thereof. I thought I was dealing with it, moving past it, but then you walked into my life and changed everything. I didn’t tell you everything about what happened with him. I’ve never told anyone what really happened. Carter, I’ve been pregnant before.”
I pull her into my arms. “I know, baby. The doctor told me that the scarring from your previous pregnancy had something to do with the bleeding.”
She stares up into my eyes, searching for… something. “Doctor Field told me that she explained everything to you, but you never once brought it up. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I figured you would tell me when you were ready. You’ve been through enough, Addi. You don’t have to explain
anything to me.”
“I want to.”
Addi goes on to tell me the full, sordid, horrifying story of what really happened between her and Gavin. My heart shatters into a million pieces for the girl before me, sobbing her heart out as she tells me about him intentionally beating her, killing their baby. She talks of how she kept it to herself, feeling so ashamed that she couldn’t protect her unborn child. My blood runs cold; filled with an all-consuming rage. I want to kill this pathetic excuse for a man that I have never met. I want to avenge the Addi that I never had a chance to meet. I want justice for the baby that he wasn’t man enough to love.
I pull Addi close, careful not to hurt her, forcing myself to stay calm, for her sake. “I can’t believe you’ve carried this burden around with you for so long. No one should have to live through something like that alone. You amaze me, Addison Warner. You are the strongest woman I have ever met. The fact that you let me in at all, that you chose to love me; that you gave me a chance to be a dad – it blows my mind.”
“I almost ruined it all. I almost lost our baby. When I was lying on the operating table, I was so scared I wouldn’t get another chance with you. A chance to let my past go and give our future together a real shot. I was terrified that I hadn’t protected our baby. That I would never get the chance to meet her. I love you so much, Carter. I won’t ever take this chance for granted. You saved my life in more ways than one. I can never thank you enough for that.”
Her broken sobs call to every protective instinct I have; every fiber of my being desperate to fix this. I need to kiss her, to feel her lips against mine, to feel the connection we share so deeply. “Tesoro, the fact that you are here with me, breathing, your beautiful heart beating in your chest – that is all I will ever need. I told you that at the hospital, and I will continue to remind you, every day for the rest of your life.” I capture her mouth with my own, claiming what’s mine. Mine to love, and mine to protect. I kiss away each and every tear from her cheeks, planting soft feather light kisses on her tear swollen eyelids. “NO ONE will ever hurt you like that again, Addi. Not while I have breath in my body.”
“Take me home, Carter. I want to leave all the bad memories behind. I don’t want them to hold me back anymore. I want to make a life with you and Verona. You are my home.”
“Il tuo cuore è la mia casa, Tesoro. Ti amo.” [Your heart is my home, Treasure. I love you.]
ADDI
Eight Weeks Later
Today is my due date. The day Verona was supposed to be born. It’s strange. You have all these preconceived ideas of what it’s going to be like when you have a baby; of what the birth is going to be like. You read books like What to Expect When You’re Expecting, thinking that once you’re past the first trimester, you have nothing to worry about. My main concern just before Verona was born, was what tracks I wanted on my birthing playlist. Never in my wildest dreams would I have come up with what actually happened to me.
I missed my daughter’s birth. She was pulled from my body, distressed and premature. She wasn’t ready to face the world, and I wasn’t awake to reassure her that everything was going to be alright. I’ve replayed and relived that day so many times in my mind. The feeling of dread thinking I was going to die; waking up to find out that my baby was born prematurely; being told that I would never have any more children. No one should have to deal with such a diverse range of emotions in such a short space of time.
There have been so many nights when I’ve cried myself to sleep – for the loss of even the possibility of giving Carter a son. I would give anything to have a little boy that looked exactly like his daddy, and I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact that I can never give him that.
He has been amazing these past two months; so loving, patient, and understanding. When I finally broke down and told him my darkest secret, he opened his arms to me and loved me even more. He listened without judgment and looked for the positive. When I asked him to give me another chance and for us to live together, he didn’t hesitate, not even for a second, giving me unconditional love and trust. I know how hard that must have been for him, but he did it anyway, for me, and for our daughter.
We have spent every day at the hospital, watching Verona improve with every tube and machine that has been removed and rendered unnecessary. We’ve celebrated these small victories in our daughter’s little life - every day we gotten to hold her for longer, getting to know her better, seeing her tiny personality shining through, even in the face of adversity.
Over the weeks, I’ve become stronger, my body healing, my mind coming to terms with everything that has happened. Carter and I are closer than we’ve ever been. I’ve always used my looks with men, confident in the effect my body would have on them, and that has changed dramatically.
I struggle with my self-confidence. When I stand and stare at my reflection in the mirror, it feels like I’m looking at someone else’s body. The scars from my emergency surgery are still red and tight; my skin looks different, the muscles underneath lacking any form of tone. I’m still carrying an extra ten pounds, but I’m so exhausted with the hospital visits and my own recovery that I’ve just let Carter feed me. He’s an old Italian woman! Like his aunt – always trying to feed me something, telling me I need to keep my strength up.
The hospital said it would be at least six weeks before I should consider any sexual activity again, but that just wasn’t realistic for us. Our connection is too primal for that length of time apart. Carter has been so careful with me, treating me like I could break from the slightest touch, but he’s definitely creative when it comes to finding other ways to satisfy our desire for one another.
The night that we first made love again was so special to me; I have never felt so completely loved and accepted for who I am. Carter made me feel truly beautiful for the first time in my life.
“Goodnight, Tesoro.” He pulls me close against his naked chest as he breathes in my scent and kisses my hair. My heart is pounding in my chest, the ache between my legs growing with every day that passes. “Are you ok, baby? I can feel your heart racing.”
I turn in his arms, nervous of what I’m about to say. “Make love to me, Carter.”
His eyes are tender and filled with desire, searching mine to make sure this is what I want. “I don’t want to hurt you. We can wait.”
I grab his face in my hands, feeling the scruff on his jawline scraping against my palms, placing a soft kiss on his gorgeous mouth, before nibbling and sucking on his bottom lip. “I don’t want to wait any longer. Please, make love to me.” I’m underneath him in seconds, but he’s careful not to put his weight on my stomach.
He starts at my neck, kissing just under my ear, before working his way down. I can feel my body start to tingle all over, the familiar jolt of anticipation coursing through my veins, and when his lips brush over the tip of my nipple I can’t help but cry out with pleasure, moaning his name as I begin to writhe under his expert touch. He makes a move to throw the covers off of us, but I try to pull them back up without ruining the moment, conscious of my scars. He stops kissing me, lifting his gaze to mine.
“What’s wrong?”
I throw my hand up over my eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears welling up inside. “My body. It’s disgusting now. I have scars. I don’t look the same.”
I feel his warm, strong hand, pulling my arm down, forcing me to look at him. All I see staring back at me in his beautiful chocolate-brown eyes, is love. “You are more beautiful to me now, than you have ever been, Tesoro. Do you know what I see when I look at your scars?”
“No.” My voice is a whisper, thick with unshed tears.
“I see strength and courage. I see a survivor. I see the love of my life and the mother of my child; you’re fucking breathtaking, Addi.” I shy away, shifting my head to the side, but Carter uses one finger to guide me back to him. “You need to wear these scars with pride. They are a part of who you are. You have come through so much, and you’ve done
it by yourself. It’s all you, cara mia. You are amazing and I’m in awe of you every single day. Please, don’t ever think that you are anything less than stunning. I love your scars. Without them, we wouldn’t have our precious baby girl, and you wouldn’t be here with me now. I will always love these scars – they mean… LIFE.”
He takes his time, kissing every inch of each scar, making me feel wanted; making me feel desired; making me feel whole again, and when he gently pushes inside of me, I feel a wave of relief; my body responding to the physical connection I crave with every fiber of my being. There’s some pain after my operation, but the pleasure I feel being connected to Carter again, far outweighs any discomfort.
“Are you ok, baby?” His voice is low and tender, thick with his own desire.
“Yes. Please, don’t stop.” He slowly starts to move, rocking in and out of me, savoring each gentle thrust. The expert roll of his hips has me panting beneath him, perched on the edge of an explosive release.
“Come with me, Tesoro. I need to see you, to feel you come apart for me.” He never loses control, pushing in and out of me in measured, leisurely thrusts, working my clit with his thumb, slowly building us higher and higher, until I can’t take it anymore. It’s like waves, crashing over me; intense and profound, overwhelming me time and time again, over and over until I’m moaning his name as he growls mine, finding his own release, joining me in a sea of ecstasy.
“Addi… Ti amo.”
I wrap my arms and legs around his body, holding him close. “I love you, too.”
I will never forget that night for as long as I live.
It’s time to go to the hospital and bring our baby girl home. I’m nervous and excited, checking that we have everything we need at least five times before we leave. Carter is so adorable right now, checking and rechecking the car seat, asking if we need another blanket for Verona, or if the jacket and onesie we packed are going to be warm enough.
Relentless - Manhattan Knights Series Book Two Page 29
