Tainted by Crazy

by Abby Mccarthy

  “Take care of yourself, and I mean it. Not a day will go by that I won’t kick myself for messing up, so if you ever need anything, let me know.”

  “Take care,” I said and hung up the phone.

  I laid back down and moaned because my head was killing me. I felt Rys kiss me on my head. “I’ll get you something for that headache.”

  A minute later, he was prodding me to sit up as he handed me a few white pills and ordered me to drink. I did as he said, and laid back down closing my eyes.

  “You want to sleep, or you want to talk about it?”

  “The dream, or the call?” I mumbled.

  “Either?”

  “Just sleep,” I mumbled again and closed my eyes, but struggled with sleep as images from my nightmare still haunted me.

  “Maple, take a break.” Iggy looked at me sternly and I couldn't really blame her. I just dropped my third glass of the day all while snapping at a customer.

  “I’m sorry about the glass, Iggs,” I said with an edge to my voice.

  “Me saying take a break wasn’t a request. You’re off. Maybe you should just take the day.”

  “I don't need the day.”

  “You need something, and I ain’t asking. Take twenty minutes, and see if you can’t get your head on straight.”

  I opened my mouth to protest but was met with a look from Iggy that told me I should keep my mouth shut. I tore my towel from my back pocket, threw it on the bar, “Fine.”

  I walked outside into the afternoon sun. I’d been back to work for a week and when I wasn’t here, I had been at Grams' condo. Grams’ didn't have a ton of things. It seemed most of her stuff was still locked securely in the basement, but what she did have took me a while to go through. I’d started packing up her blankets and would get lost in her scent. Or, I’d packed a box of pictures and after an hour staring at a picture of Grams and Bob holding hands, I’d realized I was getting nowhere fast.

  Today, I was particularly in a bad mood. I had stopped by the condo before my afternoon shift at Iggy’s, and there was a stack of mail on the table. I assumed Bob had brought it. He’d been helping me as well. In the mail were a few bills that I needed to figure out how to pay and a letter from Schlocks and Associates. I quickly opened it and found a letter addressed to me.

  Dear Ms. Wilshire,

  I am writing you regarding the estate of Alice Wilshire. Our firm is acting as her executor and is dispersing the funds of her trust. At this phase, we are acquiring all of her outstanding debts. We have instructed the hospital to forward any outstanding bills to us but would ask that in the event that you should receive any that you forward them to us immediately. All additional bills related to her passing should be forwarded to our office as well.

  As we wish to complete the settlement of her estate, please contact our offices promptly, so that we can arrange a meeting to go over the remaining assets, as you are the sole heir.

  Sincerely,

  Howard Schlocks

  I wasn't expecting her to have an established trust. I knew Grams had done okay based on how nice the condo was, but she had made me think she needed extra money and me living in the house would help her financially. So, when I got to Iggy’s I was in a mood. I had ignored Rys’ calls today because of it. I felt bad, but I needed space. I couldn't wrap my head around my feelings.

  I walked down Banks Avenue, it was just off of Main Street. A few blocks down was a small partially shaded and a small playground. Several moms milled about with strollers and toddlers in tow. An old man with a plaid shirt and khaki pants pushed a little girl on one of the swings. I sat down on an aged picnic table and watched the kids playing. A few minutes later, I opened my purse and pulled out the letter from the attorney. I dug my cell phone out next and dialed the number on the letterhead.. The entire conversation was very anticlimactic. I spoke with a secretary who set up an appointment for me later in the week. I did all this through gritted teeth, knowing Grams’ bills needed to be paid, but hating the finality of it.

  After the call to the attorney’s office, my finger hovered over Rys name and I contemplated calling him back. He had been so supportive, doing everything right, and I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was also angry at Grams for leaving me. I think when I first found out she was dying, I was in survival mode, so I didn’t latch on to the fact that she kept so much from me, but now that she was gone, I was angry.

  Enough sitting here. I slipped my phone back into my small purse and decided to run. I ran for a good twenty minutes. By the time I slowed in front of Iggy’s, I was no longer quite as mad. I went in and finished my shift. After my shift, I kept myself busy at Grams’ condo, ignoring Rys’ call…again.

  I got home late enough from Grams' that I’d hope Rys would be asleep. The living room was dark and I breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't that he was doing anything wrong. In fact, he was doing so many things right, but I couldn't help this bud of rage in my chest. It was there waiting to uncurl and I didn’t want Rys to get pricked by its nasty thorns when it finally bloomed.

  I slipped off my shoes by the door and moved to the kitchen, took out a mug, and went about making some chamomile tea. I was just taking my hot water out of the microwave when the light flicked on in the living room. As I dipped the tea bag into the cup, I felt his hands on my shoulders, strong firm hands and I bristled at his touch. I couldn’t even rationalize why I was pulling away from him, but I wanted to be alone.

  “Grams said you would do this,” he said to my back. “Said when things get hard for you, you run and push everyone away. She said when you started to push me away, I was to give you this.” He slid a shoebox on the counter next to me. I turned to Rys, my face laced with questions. “I get it, you need some space. I’m going to go home tonight. I’m giving you space, but I’m not letting you push me away.”

  “That’s not what I’m doing,” I protested even though we both knew that was a lie.

  “I haven't talked to you in two days, and I slept next to you both nights. You’re pushing me away. Grams warned me and I’m not going to let you do that. If you haven't learned by now, I’m a patient man. I know when something’s good and worth fighting for, and you, Maple, are so worth it.” With that he turned and walked away. The sound of the front door closing behind him echoed through the house.

  I stared at the box. It mocked me and pleaded with me to open it. But I couldn’t. I wasn't ready to face whatever it held. I drank my tea and went to bed; alone.

  The next day, I went to work with the same angry feeling, only I now had the shoebox hanging over my head. Rys said he was patient, but I couldn't help but feel like this was his way out. I couldn't really blame him, could I? I haven't exactly given him clear signals. One minute, I was hot, and the next, I was ice cold.

  It was early on a Friday night and I found myself smiling for the first time in a while. That’s because Delilah came in with her sitter, Miranda, on the way to the park. Sasha had to laugh at Delilah when she barely gave her Mom attention and her ringlets bounced as she rushed to me.

  “Maple! When are me you and Rys going to the lake again? It was so much fun and I’ve been practicing swimming at the Y. Wait ‘til you see how long I can hold my breath underwater. Mom, how long did I get last time?”

  Sasha laughed, “Nine sweetie, nine seconds.”

  “I’ve been practicing. I bet I’ll get to ten!”

  “I bet you can get to eleven.” I ruffled her hair and felt a lightness that I didn’t expect and then I felt a sense of guilt.

  My smile quickly faded. I forced it, doing my best to not let her see. “Have fun at the park, honey, and we’ll go swimming again soon, okay?”

  “You hear that, Mom? I told you they’d take me again.”

  Sasha ruffled her daughter’s hair, “Alright baby, you have fun at the playground, and I’ll kiss you when I get in.”

  “I’ll wait up,” she said excitedly.

  “No, you’ll go to bed for Mirand
a.”

  “But Mom,” she whined as Miranda escorted her out of the bar waving to us.

  I busied myself, cleaning in our down time, which wasn’t much and then as the night went on, I poured more and more drinks. I looked over to the place that Rys normally sat and swallowed the lump in my throat. The balding man sitting there was just a reminder that I was messing everything up. It was bad enough I was longing for Grams, but now I was longing for Rys. I needed to open the box.

  That was my fleeting thought as I heard, “Bitch!” screamed at me from none other than the awful ex, Crystal.

  “Excuse me?” asked Iggy, who had overheard Crystal.

  I placed my hand on Iggy’s shoulder, “I got this.”

  “You do not come into my work and address me that way. You do not speak to me. You and I don’t have business. You had Rys, and you messed that up. That was well before me.”

  “Oh, you think you can tell me what I can, and can't do?” she spat and I wondered what Rys ever saw in her. When I saw her last time, I thought she was beautiful. Now looking at her, all I saw was a woman who could’ve been beautiful. Her kind of ugly was the kind of ugly so deep within her bones that no amount of porcelain skin or blonde, golden locks could make up for it. Ugly like hers was too deep beneath the surface.

  “If you’re coming into my work, then yeah, I can.”

  Iggy stood behind me, and I met Sasha’s eyes across the bar, they all had my back.

  “You think you know him so well?” She said ignoring my demand for her to not speak to me.

  “I think if you have a problem with Rys, you should talk with him, not come into my work creating a scene. Frankly, you look like you have a screw loose.”

  “I do not! It’s Rys. He’s the crazy one. He tell you he’s been arrested?”

  No, he didn’t, but I wouldn't let Crystal tell me about it either. “You’re done here. You need to leave now, or we’ll call the cops and have them remove you.” It was taking everything in me to stay calm. A part of me almost felt sorry for Crystal… almost. The more I was around her, the more erratic her behavior seemed, and the more I thought she reminded me of my Momma. That thought just made me sad for her and for Rys. She must have been so hard to be married to.

  Crystal huffed again, and I could tell she was going to say something. Iggy wasn’t having it. Her time with staying quiet behind my back was now up. She wasn't going to let Crystal have another word. “Nope. No more.” She put her hand up in Crystal’s face. “You leave here now, or I’m throwing your skinny ass out myself. I ain't callin’ no cops. I’m just gonna take out the trash.”

  Crystal huffed again, and then the switch must’ve clicked that she wasn’t going to get the rise out of me that she hoped, and she turned and walked back out of the bar.

  “God, that woman,” I said to Iggy.

  “She definitely has issues. Bad seed that one, never knew what that boy saw in her.”

  I took a drink order and then another. Before long, the bar died down, and Iggy and Sasha, who both noticed that my mind was preoccupied, told me to go home.

  I finished some side work then got into Bertha and headed home. I didn’t want to admit to anyone that I was giving credence to what Crystal said. She made comments about Rys the night my world fell to pieces. I didn't ever have a chance to ask Rys about it. My drive home was filled with thoughts like this. What could Crystal have been talking about? Rys was obviously getting sick of me and my baggage. His ex-wife did allude to the fact that Rys had demons. Maybe, I was better off. I didn't need anyone anyway. Maybe, I would meet with the attorneys, settle Grams’ estate and get out of here. There was no real reason for me to stay here, anyway.

  I unlocked my front door, flipped on a light and then went to the kitchen and made some tea, all while thinking that I could do this, I could leave here forever.

  The box sat in the same place taunting me. I wanted to run, yet the box sat there. Grams knew I’d want to run and whatever it was that was in the box she wanted me to see before I did. I grabbed the box and my tea and sat down in the kitchen. The cardboard edges were worn, like the box had been opened and closed dozens of times. Peeling off the lid I was shocked when I saw stacks of letters in my Momma’s handwriting.

  Mom,

  The doctors told me what I did to Maple. I still can’t believe it. It’s like I know it happened because it’s written in black and white, but I have no recollection of it. I can't believe I took her out of your house in the middle of the night. She must have been so scared. That scares me so badly. I love her so much and I hate that there’s this part of me that hurts her. I just want it to stop. I never want to hurt her or you. I love you so much. Please forgive me.

  Love, Grace

  Mom,

  Do you know what darkness is? It’s black all around. Everything is dripping with tar. Can you feel it? Are you black too? Is that why it’s getting me?

  Help me. Mommy

  Mommy,

  I DON’T WANT TO HURT. I DON’T WANT TO HURT. I DON’T WANT TO HURT. I DON'T WANT TO HURT. I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU. I DON’T WANT TO HURT HER.

  Mom,

  You don't know what this is like. It hurts. When I’m sane and I know what I’ve done. I hate it. I hate me. I want to claw beneath the surface and rip out my insides for being so tainted. I want Maple to have the best in life. I want her to have what you gave me. I’m so bad for her. I’m destroying the thing I love most in this world and I don't know how to stop it. Help me, Mom. I need to be a better Mother. I need to be a better person, but every thought inside of me contradicts another. Voices in my head tell me to do things and then the drugs silence them, but I make even worse decisions with the drugs. I want the pain to end. I don't want to live with the fact that I am sick and keep making decisions that would break my girl's spirit. She has the strongest will, and I swear this last time I cracked it. How can I be a better person for her and for you when everything inside of me is so messed up? You promise me, that you won't let my insanity taint anymore of my baby girl’s life. I love you. You promise me, you’ll love her like you loved me.

  Love, Grace

  Tears streamed down my face and before I knew it, I was out the door. My feet hit the pavement and pounded below me as I ran so hard my legs felt like jelly. The air was cool and the rich smell of lavender floated in the breeze. My throat burned from the pain and my lungs ached. I was pushing myself harder than I had before. I followed the path, cutting through Mr. Pitcan’s property and then through Mrs. Barnes’, the familiar trek a blur of greenery.

  I reached the spot at Earl’s lake and I sat catching my breath.

  All this time, I was so angry with my Momma. Those letters made me see her in a new light. I always knew she was sick, but I never quite comprehended the level of pain knowing she was sick must have caused her. I blamed her for taking her life and doing drugs. I blamed her for putting me in so many bad/dangerous/awful situations. But, Momma was a victim of her illness. I never saw it. I always thought she was selfish. I always thought she didn't love me. In all those letters, one message was clear. She loved me and wanted what was best for me. She didn’t want her illness to taint my life, yet I had been letting the past dictate so much of my future.

  Grams knew this. Gifts. That’s what Grams putting me in her house was. She wasn't turning her back on me, she was trying to get me to see. And then, when everything ended for her, she still gave me more. I gripped my fist tight against my chest and for the first time in my life, I felt those gifts down to the depths of my soul. Those women loved me and for once in my thirty-one years, I finally understood how much. It cost Momma to give me to Grams. It hurt her to know she couldn't give me it herself, but she gave me Grams. I had so much, and if I stopped focusing on the bad, I could see all of the gratitude I had been missing out on. Grams, who taught me to cook. Grams, who taught me to laugh and appreciate good country music. Grams, who chose to die, smelling her famous apple pie and giving me what I needed, even when I did
n’t realize it yet. I had plenty and I was finally beginning to see it.

  A light I hadn’t noticed earlier flickered in the distance and I knew that it was Earl’s house. I’d pushed him and was ready to run. I’m a patient man. Those were his words. He was never done with me. I was seeing what I wanted to see. I was listening to his crazy ex. I was letting things get to me about Rys. I knew what kind of man he was. I knew him. I was putting my guard up and creating reasons to keep him away. In doing, so, I did exactly what Grams thought I would do. I’d been pushing him away, and it was time I put an end to it. It was time I let him in.

  Walking at one in the morning on a dark path that had long since been forgotten was probably not my best idea. I was a woman on a mission. Unfortunately for me, that mission included a scraped knee and a few small rocks embedded in my shin. I knocked on the front door wincing at the pain. Earl was used to me showing up in need of a first aid kit, just not at all hours of the night. I prayed I didn't wake him, but with the gentle taps at the door, more than one light inside the house flicked on.

  “I got it, Earl,” I heard Rys say as he undid the deadbolt on the door. He threw the door open, his bare chest illuminated.

  “Who is it?” I heard Earl yell again. Rys was staring at me, his face impassive. I couldn’t get a read on him and I hoped I didn’t push too far.

  “It’s my Maple, Old Man. Go back to bed.” My Maple, no definitely not too late.

  “Keenan,” I whispered then nervously tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

  “What are you doing here?” He framed the doorway and I could tell he had his guard up.

  “I needed to talk to you. I opened the box.”

  “You opened the box,” he said as more of a statement than a question.

  “Yeah,” I sighed.

  “You okay?”

  “I might’ve stumbled a little. You got that first aid kit?”