Sins of Thy Mother 4

by Niki Jilvontae

  I was tired of the shit and ready to click so I wasn’t concerned with honoring thy father. I figured fuck that because how could I honor a nigga who didn’t give a fuck about me. He proved that when he left me with a devil that all but successfully killed me. Then when he did get me away from danger and with him he did the exact damn thing. Hell no, wasn’t no honor. At that point Shaheim was just another nigga in the streets and I would show him that if he decided to put his hands on me.

  “What nigga, so you heard me? You lil bitch ass retard. Fuck you down here crying for. Remembering the shit mommy did to you huh? Well, now I’m starting to see why she might have done it. You are a worthless piece of shit who just brings trouble everywhere you go. You can’t do shit right Sha and then you stand and just stare when someone calls you on yo shit. You are that damn mute Denise said you were so I can’t blame her for beating yo ass. I’mma beat yo bitch ass if you ever talk to me out of line again or act like you don’t hear me. You understand that? Can you comprehend retard or should I slow it down for you?” Shaheim yelled as he walked closer to me and I let my arms fall down to my side.

  I let an evil smile much like the one my mother always wore spread across my face as tears rolled down my cheeks and I clenched my fists ready to attack. I was so fucking mad I couldn’t stop my body as it began to jerk and I prepared to take off. “Oh, the lil retarded baby crying. What you want daddy to do get you a paci? What you need a hug nigga?” Shaheim said as he stepped so close to me I could feel his breath on my neck. “Don’t touch me dog. For real. If you touch me I’m about to lay yo old ass out. Test me if you think I’m playing.” I said as I continued to stare straight ahead and he got on his tip toes to try and look me in the eyes.

  I paid him no mind as he stumbled a few times before he was almost at my eye length. “If I touch you what you gonna do ole bitch ass nigga? Have a muthafucking tantrum? Grown ass baby. Nigga you ain’t gonna do shit.” Shaheim said as he suddenly used his index finger to poke me square in the chest.

  As soon as I felt his finger touch me I reacted and grabbed his ass by the neck before I choke slammed him to the floor. I wrapped my massive, scarred hands around his throat and began to squeeze as he squirmed like a fish out of water beneath me. He tried to apologize and beg me to get up but at that point I didn’t want to hear shit he had to say. All I wanted to do was fuck him up and end my turmoil once and for all.

  “Fuck you, you evil bastard. You’re just like Denise. First you leave me only too pick me up and treat me worse than she did. You let that bitch and her kids talk shit about me too. Nigga you ain’t no better than the junky who raised me. At least she had an excuse because she was drugged out and mentally ill. What’s yo excuse though? Huh, daddy? Spit it out ole retarded ass nigga. I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” I yelled as I dug my thumbs deep into my dad’s throat and pressed down as hard as I could.

  For a second I saw Denise’s face on his body and that shit made me go insane. Before I knew it I had let go of his throat and unleashed a combination of punches that bust his shit on contact. I lost all control as I beat my father and he squirmed before I wrapped my hands around his throat again. I squeezed as hard as I could as I stared at the blood on my hands and listened to his insults ring in my ears. I could feel the life as it slowly seeped out his body and I didn’t give a fuck.

  “SHA! SHA PLEASE STOP. SHAMEL LET GO!” Lydia yelled as she broke my haze and began to pull me off of my dad. I didn’t resist her as I slowly came back to my senses and she pulled me up. In that moment I looked down and I realized I had fucked up again. I stared down at my father’s bloody, battered face as he laid there and moaned. I felt panic set in as I realized the severity of what I had done and thought about the jail time that would follow. “Sha. Sha, we have to go so you won’t go to jail. Come on Sha!” Lydia yelled as she grabbed my arm and tried to pull me towards the door.

  Everything seemed to slow down as I looked at her and told her to go and that I was right behind her. I watched her as she ran out of the room before I turned back to stare down at my dad. For a second I felt sorry for him as he struggled to get up, but slipped in his own blood and fell back on to his back. Part of me wanted to help him and salvage whatever relationship we could still have, but the smarter part of me knew that was long gone. That thought was solidified when my dad started to laugh and stared up at me through swollen eyes.

  “You think you did something huh pussy? You caught me off guard bitch, but I’mma get my lick back. Oh yeah, ole bitch ass nigga I’mma get my lick back. I might get yo bitch ass threw back in that fucking cage, that’s where an animal like you belongs anyway. Or I might just show yo lil retarded ass how a real gangsta get down and bring that shit to you. Whatever I do though lil bitch, you gonna regret the day you fell out of your junky mammy’s ass. That’s my word. Bitch nigga, fuck you. You ain’t my son and I’m gonna show yo bitch ass that.” Shahiem yelled from the floor as my rage surged again and I laughed an evil laugh of my own.

  My laugh was so cold and shrill it made my father stop and stare up at me with fear and regret in his eyes. “Haaaa, you think that hurt me nigga? You right, I ain’t yo son. I ain’t shit to you and you ain’t shit to me so I don’t give a fuck if you die right now. I do care about the next child you might bring into this world and ruin him like you’ve done me. So for that I’m about to do the world a favor and eliminate the chance for you to reproduce. Pussy ass niggas like you don’t need kids so I think I’m doing a public service.” I said as my father finally caught on to what I was about to do, but it was much too late.

  I used my size 12 shoe to stomp down on his groin so hard that all of the contents of his stomach instantly came up. I jumped back as he screamed and held himself while vomit continued to spew out of his mouth. I couldn’t stop my laughter as I watched him waddle around in filth on the ground and cry like a little bitch. I started to walk away just as he reached out and grabbed my pants leg and begged me to stay.

  “Please Sha, I’m sorry. I know I fucked up. Don’t leave me like this, at least call the ambulance because you really fucked me up. Please son help me and forgive me for what I’ve done. I’ve been no better than your mother to you and for that I am so sorry. Please Shamel, please. Just give me a second chance. Everyone deserves a second chance, even you. Let’s both start over son. Please Sha.” He begged as I began to laugh again.

  My laughter caused him to stop his pleas because he saw that shit wasn’t about to work. I walked back around where he could see my face as Lydia blew the horn outside and he tried to sit up. “Nigga it’s too late for sorry and what you mean second chance? I been on this earth 19 years, nigga we way past a second chance. All that shit over now though cause it’s fuck you just like you said fuck me. Fuck everything about you nigga, yo bitch, her kids, this house, and most of all nigga FUCK SECOND CHANCES!” I yelled before I lifted my size twelve high in the air once again and stomped my father right in the face.

  By the time I turned to run out of the room all that could be heard was his loud, labored breath as he laid unconscious in a puddle of his own blood followed by the erratic beat of my heart. I quickly ran up to my room and grabbed my bag that was packed and ready before I ran back downstairs and out of the house. I ran to Lydia’s car with tears in my eyes and my laughter in the wind, and never looked back.

  Lydia and I rode for a while in silence as I replayed all that had happened in my mind. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t even know she had tried to get my attention until I felt her hand on my shoulder. I almost jumped out of my seat for a second as my evil thoughts drifted to the back of my mind and I turned to stare into Lydia’s beautiful face. Her clear, smooth apricot skin glistened in the sunlight and her grey eyes shone as she stared at me with genuine love.

  “Sha I’m so sorry for everything that has happened to you and for how everyone treats you. It’s not right the things they do and you don’t deserve any of it. Know that I will always help and support you, and I won�
�t let them railroad you on another charge. I’m gonna tell everything if they call the police and be a witness for you if necessary. In the meantime, I need you to just lay low over here with Toon nem. He moved to a different apartment in the complex so Shaheim won’t know where you at as long as you don’t hang out. Just hold on Sha, everything is about to get better. I can feel it.” Lydia said as she reached over and squeezed my hand and melted my heart.

  She was the only person besides my sisters who could do that to me and make me feel so loved I forgot about all of my pain. She always showed me compassion and helped me to see that I wasn’t the worthless fuck everyone said I was. That’s why I liked her so much. In another life and time, she would have been my girlfriend, but my father and the fucked up curse on my life ruined that too. I was okay with that though as long as I had her near, even if it was only for a short time.

  “Thank you Lydia, maine you all I got besides my sisters. Real talk. One day I’m gonna pay you back for all you’ve done for me. I promise.” I said as I squeezed her hand and she looked over at me and smiled with tears in her eyes. “Pay me back by getting on your feet and showing all of those muthafuckas that they don’t know shit. Pay me back by living your life for you and leaving the sins of your parents behind. If you do that I will be more than satisfied because all I want is what’s best for you and to see you happy.” Lydia said as she squeezed my hand and a nigga felt flustered as fuck.

  I didn’t know what to say next after that because I had never been in a heartfelt situation like that with a girl I actually liked. I didn’t have to feel or work hard with the thots I fucked with in the hood, but Lydia was nothing like them. She was a beautiful, smart, caring, talented, mature woman, wise far beyond her years. She was the total package, the perfect wife, which is why I knew she was too good for me. I knew that my curse would only bring her down that’s why I never acted on the feelings I had for her after she kissed me at my 17 birthday party. I just blew it off so I wouldn’t fuck things up, just like I did at that moment.

  “That’s wassup.” I said nervously to Lydia before I released her grip on my hand and turned to look out of the window. For the rest of the ride we both remained quiet and just listened to the songs that played on the radio. When we pulled into Cottage Meadows Lydia took me to Toon’s new apartment in the back of the complex and I quickly jumped out and grabbed my bag out of the back passenger seat. I walked around the car to Lydia’s side just as she got out with a wad of cash and cellphone in her hand.

  “Here Sha, and don’t say no because I can’t have you out her broke with no means of communication. I care about you, can’t you see that and I want you to be alright. I need you to be alright.” Lydia said as tears streamed down her cheeks. To see her cry like that made my heart melt just like it did whenever I saw one of my sisters cry. Before I knew it all of that fear and awkwardness I felt in the car was gone and I had stepped up to Lydia and wiped her tears with my thumb.

  “Don’t cry Lydia, I care about you too. As a matter of fact, I love you. I said before I could even think about it. As soon as the words left my mouth I felt like my ass was gonna pass out as all the blood rushed to my head. All I could do was let my natural instincts kick in as I grabbed her chin in my hand then leaned down to kiss her. What I felt when our lips touched was enough to make a thug change his life. All of her love and passion pulsated through my body and went straight to my heart as she wrapped her arms around my neck. I dropped my bag quick as fuck and wrapped my arms around her waist as she pressed them double d’s up against a nigga. We got lost in the moment as our hearts and love intertwined and I felt maybe there could be hope for a happy future.

  When our passion subsided, I let Lydia go and stood there and stared into her eyes. I wanted to tell her everything I felt bad as fuck, but I knew I was in no position to start anything with her. My life was nothing but heartache and pain and I didn’t want to drag her into my hell. I felt she was too good of a person to indulge in my misery so I fought my need for her. “I love you too Sha, I really do. So what does this mean for us?” Lydia asked as I thought of the perfect way to tell her that I was too fucked up for anybody to love or be with, especially someone as good as her.

  I searched for the right words but as soon as I was about to open my mouth Toon’s 2015 Chrysler 300 pulled into the parking lot followed by three other cars filled to the capacity with goons. All of them jumped out with guns in hand as they yelled about who they were going to kill. I knew that meant some shit had gone down and that it probably wasn’t over so I told Lydia to go.

  “Look Lydia, I can’t get into all that right now and further more I don’t think you want to go there with a fucked up nigga like me. I’m rotten baby, to the core so maybe you should find somebody better. I love you enough to let you go Lydia. For real. Now get the fuck outta here before these niggas start shooting.” I said as she grabbed my hand with tears in her eyes and I tried to snatch away.

  I tried, but not really because honestly I didn’t want her to go. I couldn’t help but let her wrap me in her embrace again as she kissed me and tears ran down her face. “I don’t care what you say, I love you. I love you and I want to be with you. I will wait for a lifetime if I have to because you deserve love and I deserve you. You’re worth it Sha, you’re worth love, so I’ll go, but I will never leave you. EVER!” Lydia whispered in my ear before she kissed me on the neck and quickly hopped into her car.

  I watched her drive off as my niggas crowded around me and filled me in on what was going on. “Maine them niggas rode down on us in broad daylight my nigga Sha. Them bitches tried to take me out. You ready to ride nigga?” Toon asked me as he handed me a kush blunt and I thought about the love that had just drove away.

  I deeply inhaled the kush as an internal battle broke out between the side of me that just wanted to love and be loved, and that side that just didn’t give a fuck. I thought about what would happen if I left and tried to be with Lydia, then I realized I had nowhere to go and that the police were probably looking for me. I knew I had that ticket from Tisha that would be at the bus station the next morning, but that didn’t do shit for the situation I was in at that moment. With all of that in mind I made a decision to just live for the moment and say fuck how it would turn out.

  “Toon you my nigga, the only nigga who ever fucked with me like I mean something. So if you need me to ride nigga, you know I got you... God help any nigga who gets in our way.” I said as I handed him back the blunt and grabbed the AR15 he had in his hand. “That’s what I’m talking about, my muthafucking dog. Let’s go smash on these niggas Sha.” Toon said as he showed me love then threw my bag in the backseat as we all loaded up.

  We rode around the west side of Sacramento for hours as we looked for the niggas we were prepared to murder. As the sun began to dip lower in the sky we all realized we weren’t going to find them so we headed back to the hood. Part of me was relieved the niggas hadn’t crossed our paths because I knew what I would have done if they did. With all of the hurt and pain inside of me I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to control my rage and I probably would have killed every nigga in sight. I sighed in relief when we pulled up back in front of the house because I had saved my soul from hell for another day. I felt numb and high as fuck as we walked into Toon’s apartment and the party that never ended raged once again.

  In minutes the house was filled with thug niggas and bad, project bitches half naked and smelling good as fuck. I quickly found me a corner and posted up with a bottle of E&J in one hand and a blunt in the other as I surveyed the room. I knew that I wasn’t supposed to mix the meds I took for my migraines with alcohol but at that moment I was at the point of no return. I had to do something to dull that pain in my heart and silence the voices in my head so I drunk and smoked until everything moved in slow motion. About an hour after we got back and the party was in full swing, one of the homegirls I fucked with tough named Peaches came over to sit by me and said something that sobered my a
ss up real quick.

  “Maine Sha, I don’t know what the fuck you been up to but police been over here tough today looking for you. I heard one of them say it was a warrant out for you on a domestic violence charge before they suited up to go. You gotta lay low bruh cause I don’t know what the fuck going on.” Peaches said as I nodded at her and a million thoughts ran through my head.

  I sat there silent and still for a while as I thought about going back to the cage. That was the last place I wanted to be so I knew I had to get my ass on that bus, but the problems was, I didn’t want to leave Lydia. I got lost in thoughts of her for a while as I sat there and rolled another blunt and hoped I could regain the high Peaches had blew. As soon as I finished and had the blunt rolled up, a bunch of loud voices outside caught my attention. They were so loud they overpowered the music and caused Toon to run over to the stereo to cut it down.

  “What the fuck going on?” Toon said as he looked around the room before he went over to the door. “SHA YOU LIL BITCH ASS NIGGA, BRING YO PUSSY ASS OUT. YOU SUCKER PUNCHED MY UNCLE AND BEAT HIM UP ON THAT RETARD SHIT, LET ME SEE YOU DO THAT TO ME. COME OUT SHA OLE BITCH ASS NIGGA. SHHHHAAAAAA, BRING YO HOE ASS OUT!” Some nigga yelled as I suddenly got up out my seat.

  All of my niggas rushed towards the door as I followed and as soon as it opened we were on GO. We rushed out right into the crowd of niggas Shaheim had brought with him to get me, his son. It was just like he said, I was nothing to him and that was obvious when I saw him as he stood in the middle of 15 niggas all bandaged up with a bat in his hand. To see him as he stood there ready for war like I was some random nigga, gave me enough motivation to let the true beast out so rushed towards his ass without thought. When I moved my niggas moved and in minutes it was a huge brawl in the middle of the parking lot.