Sins of Thy Mother 4

by Niki Jilvontae

  Before I could step in though something stopped me and caused me to look at my phone. Without thinking I dialed Terricka’s number so that I could tell her the good news. The phone at Terricka’s house rang 12 times before a woman answered and the loud party that raged in the background almost drowned out her voice. “Hello.” A woman yelled over the madness as I felt my anger overshadow my happiness.

  I couldn’t believe that with everything that was going on my sister was still doing the same shit. I couldn’t help but to think my mama’s voice in my mind was right. I couldn’t help but to think that maybe to love was to let go. “Hello. Is Terricka there?” I asked as the girl on the phone laughed and told the people in the background to shut up.

  I waited for her to get it quiet enough for us to talk and then I asked was Terricka there again. “Uhhh, no. That bitch gone. She just disappeared.” The girl said as she laughed and my heart stopped in my chest. I couldn’t believe what she said as I looked at the phone and made sure I had dialed the right number.

  “Are you serious? This is her sister Tisha. What do you mean she just gone? So no one has seen her? For how long and where are the kids?” I asked as I felt tears well up in my eyes and fear fill my heart.

  I feared the worst once again and I hoped that worse was not about to come true. I hoped, but that wasn’t the case because what the girl said next sent me on another downward spiral through hell and I couldn’t see how I would pull myself out.

  “Oh you her sister huh? Well, heyyy sister. Your sister crazy, junky ass is gone Lord knows where and she been gone for about two weeks. Ain’t nobody seen her since she got her ass beat by the dope man for stealing his shit. Rumor has it the bitch dead, but I don’t know. As for them bad ass kids, they asses got taken by CPS. Ain’t no telling where they at now. Anyway, bye bitch. I don’t have time to be a damn news reporter for you. Yo sister gone. Haaaa.” The ratchet ass girl said before she hung up the phone and I broke down.

  Part 3

  WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

  CHAPTER 7

  Tisha: Out of Sight, Out of Mind…or so I thought!

  After I found out Terricka was gone I cried like a baby as I slid to the floor in the hall of the hospital and laid my head against Sha’s door. I cried for that hurt little girl my sister still was and hoped that I could still save her from herself. I couldn’t help but to think as I laid there that it was all my fault and if I fought a little harder to get her to California, none of it would have happened. I thought about that and all of the possibilities of what could have happened to Terricka as I laid there and waddled in my own misery. I didn’t want to believe what the junky girl who answered her phone had said, but it was hard not to when I considered my sister’s history. I knew that my sister could be unpredictable, erratic and out of control so to believe she would just disappear wasn’t so farfetched.

  Something inside of me didn’t want to believe that though. A voice inside my head screamed that she hadn’t just left and that my sister may be in danger. There was also another voice who said she did leave voluntarily and if she was in danger it was because of her own actions. I listened to that internal battle between the voice of my logic and that of my emotions until I felt like my head would burst. I had to cover my ears with my hands and close my eyes to stop the thoughts and horrible scenes that played in my mind. I almost drove myself crazy as I laid on the floor and cried while my mind continued to go through dark scene after dark scene with each of them resulting in Terricka’s death.

  I know I must have looked like a madwoman sprawled all over the floor as tears streamed down my face, and my body shook uncontrollably. Suddenly I felt like that 18-year-old girl again, in the hospital and on the brink of insanity after the loss of her son. I felt myself start to fall down into that pit of turmoil and depression I had fell in several times before, and I desperately wanted to avoid it. That’s why I tried to ignore my emotions and think about a logical solution to my dilemma. The only problem was, my sorrow was too deep and I saw no viable solutions. All I saw was pain on top of pain and the continuation of a hopeless cycle. That did nothing but caused me to balled even harder and stop traffic in the hall. Before I knew it Sha’s nurse was at my side as she grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to my feet.

  “Oh my God, Mrs. Hill are you alright? Come in and lay down.” Nurse Shelly said as she led me by my shoulders into Sha’s room and I plopped on to the let out chair. I quickly covered my mouth with my hand as soon as I sat down so that I could muffle my cries and not wake Sha. However, even with my hand over my mouth the soft moans I made as I cried could be heard throughout the room.

  “Mrs. Hill are you okay? Sha is doing much better. See, I took out his breathing tube when you went out to make a call. He’s almost ready for his move to a regular room. Is that why you’re crying, because you’re happy?” Nurse Shelly asked me as she gently rubbed my back. I closed my eyes and gathered my thoughts and emotions before I opened them backup and looked into her blue eyes. I wanted to badly to reveal my fears and thoughts at that moment but I knew that was not the place and she was definitely not the person for me to confide in. That’s why I summoned the strength I needed to bury my emotions and ignored the worry in my heart. Despite how broken I felt inside at that moment I put on a brave face and smiled through my tears.

  “Oh, I’m sorry Nurse Shelly I’m just so tired and overwhelmed. It seems it has been non-stop flights and tragedy with Sha being here and I think it is all just hitting me now. I guess I just need rest, but I’m not sleepy. I need to stay woke for Sha.” I said as I began to softly sob again and the nurse rubbed my back again.

  When she said that I quickly looked over at Sha and noticed that the breathing tube was in fact removed and I instantly felt guilty because I hadn’t even noticed. “Oh my God. I feel like such a horrible sister. I didn’t even notice that though because I was so wrapped up in my own pain. Oh, Sha.” I said as tears formed in my eyes again and I attempted to get up but my weak legs gave out beneath me.

  I felt drained emotionally and physically as I fell back into the chair and fought back my tears while my guilt and all of the horrible possibilities of what could have happened to my sister floated in my mind. “Oh Mrs. Hill, you’re a wonderful sister and Shamel is lucky to have you. You’re just emotional right now because you need rest. I’m going to go get you something to help you sleep and I will take care of Sha while you’re resting. I promise.” The nurse said as she squeezed my hand and smiled at me with compassion before she disappeared out of the room.

  As soon as she was gone I let my emotions go as I covered my mouth again and cried out all of my pain. By the time I got it all out my hands were covered in tears, sweat, and snot and I felt like I had no emotions left. I felt numb as I got up on my shaky legs and waited until I felt stable enough to walk and not fall. I slowly walked over to Sha’s bed and stared down at his pale, slightly swollen face as he took long deep breaths. “I love you little brother and I’m sorry for everything that has happened. I wish I could have protected you from everyone who has hurt you. I feel like I failed you. I feel like I failed Terricka, her kids, my son, and even myself. I just want to make things right. I have to make things right so we can finally have the life we always wanted, the lives we deserve. Just keep fighting brother and I will keep fighting too.” I love you Shamel Nasir Lewis.” I whispered into my brother’s ear before I kissed him gently on the cheek.

  I let my lips linger there for a minute as I felt the warmth of his skin and the depth of his love that he naturally exuded. I could feel strength and love all over me as I stood back up and looked at his face. When I did I almost jumped the fuck out of my skin because his big, brown eyes were wide open and he suddenly let his famous smile spread from ear-to-ear. I couldn’t help but to cry as I leaned in and hug him and he wrapped his big strong arms around me and hugged me back. We stayed like that for minutes until he finally whispered in my ear.

  “I love you too Tisha with all my
heart. Thank you. Be strong.” Sha whispered in a crackling voice I could barely hear but it was still like music to my ears. “Okay brother I promise. Now you close your eyes and get some rest. I’m gonna rest too soon so that we both can be strong enough to get you well, get you out of here, and get to living life. Soon all the sadness will be behind us Sha and happiness will be a familiar theme. I believe it. Now rest my brother. Lydia will be here soon.” I said to Sha as I wiped away the single tear that fell from his eye.

  I stroke his hand and kissed his cheek again as I watched him close his eyes and drift back to sleep. I watched him sleep for a few minutes with this peacefully, serene look on his face and suddenly I felt strong enough to face whatever came my way. I figured if Sha could go through all he had and still fight and be optimistic, then so could I. That’s why when I finally let his hand go I crept into the bathroom inside his room with my phone in hand to make the calls I felt were necessary to get things on track.

  First I called my lawyer Shelia Landry in Memphis and asked for the status on the temporary custody papers I asked her to file. I also got her to find out that the kids were in fact in CPS custody but that was all of the information she could give me. After that I told her to push the petition for custody and that I would be back in Memphis the following week to finish everything. Once I hung up with Shelia I dialed the number on the card officer Black gave me and begged her to tell me where the kids were. It took a little time to convince her but before I hung up the phone I found out that Rodney Jr, Ryan, and Tania were still in a CPS facility while Talaya had been placed with a temporary foster family in Collierville, Tennessee. Just to hear those words put a fear in my heart that sent chills right down to my bones. That made me remember my time in foster care with the Reverend and I knew I had to get her out.

  “Baby, I have to go back to Memphis.” I said to my husband as soon as he answered the phone and I heard him take in a breath before he got totally silent. I sat down on the toilet seat and patiently waited on Jerrod to replay as I heard the nurse enter the room before she quickly knocked on the bathroom door. “Mrs. Hill. I have you a sedative here. It will be on the table next to your chair when you come out. Please get some rest.” Nurse Shelly yelled as I held my hand over the phone so Jerrod could not hear.

  I waited a second before I even tried to reply and put the phone to my ear to see if Jerrod had heard. It was still silent on his end except for the sound of a clock as it ticked so I put my hand back over the phone and responded to Shelly. “Thank you Shelly. I appreciate it. I definitely will.” I said before I quickly put the phone back up to my face. As soon as I had the phone to my ear Jerrod finally spoke and poured his emotions out on me.

  “You what Tisha? You’re going back so soon? Why? What could be so important that you would go back so soon? And you think you’re going alone? What the fuck Tisha? Answer me maine, forreal. “Jerrod said with a hint of anger I had never heard, not towards me anyway.

  My heart raced a mile a minute as I contemplated on whether or not I should tell him everything or just what I wanted him to hear. The tone of his voice and the way be breathed all heavy and labored in my ear told me that I should tell the truth because a lie could cause me everything. “Jerrod, first off let me tell you the story from the beginning. So Sha is doing great. They took the tube out and he is breathing on his own. He even talked to me today. They are supposed to move him to a regular room later. I’ve been ecstatic about that for about an hour now. I babbled a little as I tried to give Jerrod the good news first to soften the blow. That didn’t really work though because my baby was an ex-hood nigga with a business mind so he was not easily swayed by diversion.

  “That’s wassup. You know I’m happy as hell Sha is getting better. That’s my nigga, he like my brother too so you know I’ll be there to see him as soon as I get A’Miracle. That’s beside the point though. I asked you why you had to go back to Memphis so soon Tisha. I want to know that and nothing else. You got it bad talking my ass in circles when I ask you a question that you don’t want to answer, but it never works baby so just tell me wassup. You already know I got yo back no matter what so why is this so hard?” Jerrod asked me as I asked myself the same question.

  Jerrod and I had already been through so much I knew that I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me or try to persuade me into anything I didn’t want to do. I knew all of that but I was still afraid to tell him that I was about to go on a one-woman mission back into a war zone to find my bipolar, drugged out sister and she didn’t even want to be found.

  I just knew if I told him that he would try to keep me from going or maybe find a way for him to go too and I couldn’t let that happen. It was my sister and my problem, not his sin to bare. I needed him to stay with A’Miracle to ensure she still had one level-headed parent around to care for her should shit go wrong. I couldn’t have us both out in the streets to potentially get caught up and leave her alone to fend for herself. That is why I sugar coated the truth as much as I could and did my best to put my husband’s worried mind at ease.

  “Okay baby, I’m gonna tell you what you want to know.” I said as I took a deep breath and let the back of my head rest against the wall behind the toilet as I spilled the sugar coated beans. “After I found out how good Sha was doing I called Terricka all anxious and shit, happy to make-up with her over the news that our brother would live. Well, I called and some bitch answered and said Terricka was gone. She said Terricka has been gone two weeks and last anyone saw her she had got her ass whooped by the dope man for stealing his shit. The girl also told me that the kids were taken by CPS and that’s why I have to go back. I have to go get them Jerrod. I think it may be a lost cause for Terricka but I have to go get the kids.” I said to my husband as I felt my emotions begin to crank up again.

  I had to quickly get up, go over to the sink, and splash water on my face to keep back the tears that threatened to break free again. I didn’t want to cry anymore, especially not on the phone with Jerrod. I knew I had to be strong so that he would agree to let me do what I was going to do anyway. At least that way he would feel less guilty about the fact he was about to let me walk into hell alone. That’s why when I stood up and dried my face I dried up my tears too and put the phone back to my ear as Jerrod began to talk.

  “Damn baby, I had no idea. What the fuck going on? It seems like all this shit happening at one time. Like bad luck or some shit.” Jerrod said as I heard him sigh and then punch something. “It’s the curse Jerrod. I told you we were cursed, but I am about to break this muthafucka and end it once and for all.” I said with conviction as I heard Jerrod gasp a little before he began to talk again.

  “You ae not cursed baby, none of you are just blessed that’s why you’re tested so much. This a fucked up situation and now I understand why you must go back, but I can’t let you leave right now. You have to come home first and let’s discuss this Tisha. Hell, you don’t even have a plan.” Jerrod said as he tried to get me to slow down but he didn’t know I already had a full plan in motion.

  Unbeknownst to him though, I had already figured out how I would go about everything and I already knew who would go along with me for help. “Baby, I actually do have a plan. I contacted my lawyer in Memphis before I left and had her set up a petition for custody of the kids. I talked to her today and she told me it would be ready when I get there next week. I also called Officer Black. You know the female officer who was at the scene when Terricka called the police on me. You remember I told you about that on our ride from the airport right?” I asked Jerrod as he sucked his teeth while he tried to remember. “Oh yea, I remember. She’s the one who told you she would help get the kids?” Jerrod asked and I replied.

  “Yes, her. So I called her and she told me where the kids are. The three oldest are still in CPS custody at some orphanage type ass facility and Talaya is at some foster home in Collierville. In Collierville Jerrod in a foster home. I’m so scared for her and that’s what makes thi
s such a fucking urgent trip. Anyway, I know where they are and I got the plan to get the kids by late next week in motion now I just need to attempt to find Terricka or at least just retrieve some things from her house I know she and the kids would like to have. It’s some fucked up shit going on over there and I gotta see wassup. I know you looking at the phone crazy and shit right now cause I’m talking about going all the way to Memphis to face some bullshit alone, but baby I don’t think I have to be alone on this one and you can stay right here in Cali to take care of A’Miracle and Sha.” I said to Jerrod as I waited for his response.

  I didn’t have to wait long though because he was curious as fuck to hear what I had to say. “Who Tisha? You know I need to know this before I can let you go. If I let you go alone or with a muthafucka who ain’t capable of protecting you and something happens, I will never forgive myself and there will be hell to pay for everyone associated with it. That’s my word. So who is gonna take on such a responsibility baby? Who else besides me, Terricka, Buddy, and Sha do you trust with your life?” Jerrod asked me as he increased the intensity in his voice.

  I could hear him as he grew impatient and I sat there and thought about whether or not I should tell him about my father. I wasn’t sure how he would react because I knew how he felt about absent fathers, but regardless of the way he felt I knew I had to say it. “My dad.” I blurted out as I gasped and then covered my mouth with my hand. I said it so fast and so light I was surprised that Jerrod had heard me but I instantly knew that he did when he began to fire question after question at me.

  “What do you mean your father? When? What? How did you find him Tisha? Where has he been all these fucking years? Why now? What the fuck is going on? So you trust him baby? Huh? Talk to me baby and just tell me what’s happening. If you trust him, you know I will too but I need you to give me way more specifics on this forreal. I can’t just up and entrust the most precious thing in my world beside my daughter to someone I don’t even know. I mean baby you don’t even know him. I wonna be with you for something like this Tisha. How about I just leave A’Miracle with your assistant Patti and let them stay at our house so we can monitor everything going on via our cameras and I go with you to Memphis? That way we can handle everything together. Let’s do it that way. Come on Tisha.” Jerrod said.