Love for Imperfect Things
Page 9
Frustration and failure are a part of life.
If we do not flee from them but accept them calmly,
we come to know what we need to do next.
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Just because you have failed to achieve your goal,
it does not mean all your efforts were in vain.
Failure is meaningful in itself,
teaching you many new things.
No one can tell the sum of a life until it has come to its end.
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You have not screwed up your life
just because you screwed up an exam.
Nor is your life a failure
just because your business failed.
When you have had a negative experience,
be wary of thoughts that
make it seem worse than it is.
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The first step to overcoming failure
is to fully admit you have failed.
Admitting it will put your mind at ease
and help you to see what you ought to do next.
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Having too much success too young
is one of life’s greatest perils.
Don’t try to climb higher than you can go before you’re ready.
You will get there step-by-step.
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When something hasn’t turned out well,
don’t give up; keep going,
and try different ways of making it work.
There is no fixed answer, no single solution.
We find the best approach through trial and error.
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After rolling thunder and a torrential downpour,
we can see the blue sky and green mountains
so much clearer and brighter than before.
And after experiencing a great trial,
we come to see clearly what is truly important in our lives.
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“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass.
It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
—VIVIAN GREENE
* * *
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Don’t be disheartened, my friend.
When we look at our lives as a whole,
our current difficulty is like a cloud.
Although large, it will soon pass.
* * *
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When you hope for someone to appear
to solve your problem,
remember that nothing in this world is free.
After solving your problem,
that person often becomes your new problem.
* * *
*
Do not beg for people’s attention.
As you discover and develop your unique strengths,
they will pay attention to you automatically.
If you catch yourself desiring people’s attention,
tell yourself, “I just have to get better at what I do.”
You are noble; don’t act like a beggar.
* * *
*
If you allow yourself to be shaken,
the world will shake you all the harder.
Be like the rock, which is not easily moved
by other people’s praise or criticism.
* * *
*
Even when you have tried your absolute best,
someone might still be critical or snide.
There are all kinds of people in this world, even those who think
the food of a three-Michelin-star chef is just so-so.
No matter who you are, it is impossible for you to please everyone.
* * *
*
We are far more affected by one word of criticism
than by ten words of praise.
Whenever you are hurt by someone’s criticism,
remember that behind that one word of criticism,
there are ten words of praise—
from those who like you and cheer you on.
* * *
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If we see someone passionate about his work,
we naturally feel drawn to him.
As he is completely absorbed in his work,
we can’t take our eyes off of him.
Passion is contagious.
* * *
*
If someone is promoting a product
but doesn’t fully believe in it, it will not sell.
It is not the product that sells but the seller’s passion.
* * *
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Have you ever tried your best to the point of tears?
No one else may know, but you know that you really did your best.
Even if you fail, you will have nothing to regret.
* * *
*
If heaven wants you to grow,
it sends one rival who is more capable than you
and has a better background and a nicer personality.
As you compete with your rival,
you discover different abilities lying dormant inside you.
Although you might have hated your rival,
when you look back and see
how much you grew during that time,
you will probably feel grateful to him.
* * *
*
Try solving this riddle:
“Do you know which role
is the most difficult one in your company?”
Answer: “The role I am assigned to.”
* * *
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Do not try to demonstrate how smart you are
by nitpicking people’s faults
that are too minor even to mention.
It will be obvious what you are doing.
* * *
*
Do not try to promote yourself
by criticizing people ahead of you.
If you do, you, too, will be criticized
by those behind you.
Instead, try to win recognition
through your own hard work and talent.
The moment you attack someone,
your true worth is revealed.
* * *
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It’s a mistake to assume
that everything about your dream job
will be fun and interesting.
All jobs have their tedious aspects.
Know that there are always trials to get through
before something bears fruit.
* * *
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I thought that professors just taught and did research.
But after becoming a professor,
I realized that the work involves
all sorts of things I didn’t care for,
like collecting receipts,
writing recommendation letters,
filling out applications and reports for research grants,
giving lectures to prospective students and their parents, etc.
This seems to be the case with every kind of work.
You get to do what you like if you also do what you don’t like.
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When the time comes to do a task
you have anticipated doing for a long time,
you assume you will be quite nervous.
But if you’ve prepared to the best of your ability,
you become unexpectedly calm, not too nervous.
Knowing that you can now show
how hard you have been working,
you even become somewhat excited.
If you’ve prepared thoroughly,
there’s nothing to be nervous about.
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“Put your heart, mind, and soul
into even your smallest acts.
This is the secret of success.”
—SWAMI SIVANANDA
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It seems we acquire the most strength and wisdom
at those points in our lives that are the most difficult.
Later on, we think back on those difficult times,
on what we learned from them and how we came through them.
Then we realize that they have been a priceless experience for us.
Say “So what?” to the part of yourself
that feels nervous and inferior.
“I’m a bit nervous about the exam. So what?”
“I’m shorter and heavier than the others. So what?”
“I don’t have much money in the bank. So what?”
Once you have acknowledged your insecurities like this,
you will find the courage within to overcome them.
If you try to conceal the inferior part of yourself
while feeling ashamed of it, it will continue to be a problem.
No one really cares about it if you are comfortable with it.
Chapter Six
HEALING
May my own pain open my heart
wide enough to embrace others in pain.
May my suffering become
an opportunity to connect with others who are suffering.
Just as I wish for
a swift end to my suffering,
I also pray for others
to recover quickly from their pain.
WHEN FORGIVENESS IS HARD
IN EACH OF OUR LIVES, there will be someone who does something absolutely unforgivable. We know we ought to forgive them for our own sake, rather than remain filled with hatred and rage, but that’s easier said than done. How can we so easily forgive someone who has told such awful lies about us, leaving us feeling hurt and insulted? They have stepped over us on their way to the top and stabbed us in the back. Each time we see them, they act as though they have done nothing of the sort. The wound is so deep that we are not sure whether we will ever be able to heal.
At times like these, we should try not to forgive the person too quickly. The first step to healing a deep emotional wound is to recognize and accept our feelings for what they are: burning rage and intense hatred. These are the mind’s natural attempt to draw a clear boundary between the person and ourselves. They function as a protective wall, allowing our vulnerable selves to heal. If someone encourages us to set aside that rage before we are ready, we run the risk of deepening the wound by breaking the protective wall too soon.
But it can be a problem if the memory keeps rising up even after many years have passed, leaving us trapped like a hamster on a wheel, unable to move on from the pain. The more we remember how the pain came about, the more we come to despise ourselves for not having stood up for ourselves. As our mind dwells on the past, we also fail to notice what the present moment is offering us and cannot fully enjoy our lives. Even though our mind resolves to forgive, our heart stays stubbornly closed. Worse, because no one ever taught us the practical steps to take to be able to forgive someone, there is an unbridgeable gulf between head and heart, and this becomes yet another source of distress.
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ONE SUNDAY EVENING, I had dinner with an old high school friend whom I had been very close to. We hadn’t been in touch since our high school graduation, but he’d reached out after discovering that I had become a monk. Although it was a little awkward at first, as we had spent many years leading different lives, it didn’t take long to feel comfortable again. He was from a poor family just like I was, but worked harder than anyone I knew. He did his best not only in his classes, but also with extracurricular activities like sports and music. He had gone to a top university, then landed a job at one of the best companies in Korea. After working at that company for about ten years, he started his own firm. Everyone regarded him as a success.
After we had finished eating, my friend, as though he had been biding his time throughout the meal, suddenly blurted out: “Please help me, Haemin Sunim. Lately I’ve been a bit depressed, and don’t feel like doing anything. It’s all become too much.” My successful, hardworking friend sat there with his shoulders slumped and his face looking like that of a young boy. Having intuited what things had been like for him at home, I spoke carefully. “You’ve always worked so hard, ever since you were a child; why do you think that is?” At first he spoke of the obligations of being the breadwinner, and then, as I continued to gently press the question, he returned to the subject of his childhood.
“Things at home were pretty tough. If I didn’t work hard, it seemed my mother would always have a hard life, so I guess that’s why I did it.” I continued to draw him out. “Is that it? You just wanted to make things easier for your mother?” At that, his face darkened. He was clearly embarrassed. “Actually, it was my aunt, the wife of my dead father’s older brother; I hated how she always looked down on my mother, saying that someone so poor and uneducated would never make a better life for herself and her children. And so to prove her wrong, I was determined to work harder and become more successful than any of my cousins.”
“So, each time you saw your mother being slighted by your aunt, you must have felt angry and humiliated. If I’d had an aunt like that, I would have hated her, too. If you really want my help, please try this. First imagine now that this aunt, who hurt you and your mother, is in front of you. Go back to being the child who was wounded, and speak your mind to your aunt. But instead of using the language of an adult, talk as a ten-year-old would. We are returning to the time of your youth. Set aside the importance of respecting your elders, and of not using bad language, and just speak whatever words happen to rise up inside you. Just as they are.”
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ONE OF THE REASONS why forgiveness is so hard is that our heart does not listen to our mind. We don’t know how to connect the two. Sometimes we try to deny or suppress the rage and hatred, hoping they’ll go away, but they always come back. Interestingly, however, it is those emotions of rage and hatred that function as the vital conduit through which the mind’s decision to forgive reaches the heart. Rather than fight our feelings, we should honor them by allowing them to be there and witnessing how their energy moves inside us. Does it manifest as a flushed face, muscle tension, or elevated heartbeat? Without identifying with the emotions, observe them in a detached yet caring way. Like a mother looking at her child, we can observe our emotions attentively and compassionately.
If we continue to do this, something unexpected happens. Like a layer of an onion skin peeling off, the inner landscape of our emotions begins to reveal itself. In my case, I was able to detect deep sadness beneath the rage, and then, looking even more deeply and compassionately, I discovered the fear of loneliness and death right underneath the sadness. If we can teach ourselves to look at our emotional wounds with curiosity and compassion, our hardened heart will, mysteriously enough, begin to melt.
Once we feel our heart starting to open, we can try directing our compassionate gaze toward the one who wounded us. Try to look deeply and understand their pain and suffering. If they were happy, it’s highly unlikely they would have done such a thing to us. See what lies beneath their unhappiness. The aim of this practice is not to excuse the wrongs that were done to us but to untie the knot of our own emotions, which are holding us back and preventing us from living a full life. In other words, we try to forgive not for the sake of the aggressor but to free ourselves from the past. In order to ach
ieve this, it is important that we try to understand that person.
If we can set aside our judgment and look at the person in the spirit of understanding, we start to see things that hadn’t been visible before. For example, inside the boastful figure who looked down on us is a soul that had itself been looked down on. The person may have been ridiculed by their parents, siblings, or friends. The one who hurt me may have behaved the way they did because their life was every bit as lonely and insecure as mine. Facing such a deep truth, our hearts soften unwittingly. If we continue to open our heart to all the other people who are lonely and insecure, and feel how their suffering is just the same as our own, the sorrow inside us transforms into compassion for everyone in the world, including ourselves.
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MY FRIEND HAD BEEN SILENT for a while. As I encouraged him to give voice to what was inside him, he began to wail, venting his long-suppressed rage. “Damn you, damn you!” Like a child, he buried his face in my shoulder and sobbed. “I was so sad for my mom and so angry at my aunt. It was too hard.” I shed tears with him. After crying for a while, he seemed to calm down a little and said to me: “That’s it, the reason my life has been such a struggle—it’s all because I wanted revenge on my aunt, and at the same time to win her recognition. But after she passed away last year, that possibility disappeared, and that’s when everything started to feel so empty.”