“Balmer.”
“Drill Sergeant.”
Balmer stepped forward to accept his mail.
“Butler.”
“Cochran.”
My name was next.
“Coulter.”
“Drill Sergeant.”
I stepped forward to accept my mail. Three envelopes. My hands trembled. I’d been getting mail from my mom for a week straight. She never missed a day, except Sunday because there was no mail on Sunday. I’d never gotten more than one envelope at once.
We all stood at attention until all the mail had been dispersed and I cursed my name for being so close to the beginning of the alphabet because now I had to wait until the last guy, Zimmerman, got his mail.
Finally, it was done. The sound of twenty guys tearing into their mail as they sat back on their bunks was loud, too. I shuffled through the envelopes. One from my mom. One from Hazel. Cute. And one from Eden.
A part of me wanted to toss the letters from my family over my shoulder and get right to the one I’d been waiting for but that wasn’t right. Instead, I opened the letter from my mom. It was filled with all the family news from the hours after her last letter. Mostly, she detailed the events of Hazel and Reed’s thirteenth birthday party. I guess Reed and his buddies spent the entire time harassing Hazel and her little girl friends. Sounded about right. I had to chuckle, though, when I go to the part where the girls got back by beating the guys at laser tag.
Hazel’s letter told the same story but with a lot more humor and I was struck with an ache in my chest at the realization of how much I missed my family. Reed had penned a brief note at the end of Hazel’s missive asking if I’d gone to the gas chamber yet. Ha. I’d have wondered the same thing. And the answer was no. Not yet. I’d have to make sure to send him a detailed account once I’d done it.
Finally, I got to Eden’s letter. I was nervous. My breathing was erratic, and my hands sweated. How had I been reduced to this? Suddenly, I was desperate for some privacy. Glancing around the barracks, all I wanted was some space. The only place to find that around here- the latrine. Leaving the other two letters on my bed, I made my way to the bathroom. Thank goodness for stalls, right?
I sat down on the toilet seat (fully clothed) and stared at the writing on the outside of the envelope savoring the look of it and the feel of the paper in my hand. Carefully, I tore the end of the envelope on the short side and shook out the folded paper. Taking the time to save the envelope, I tucked it into the pocket on the leg of my pants. Army uniforms didn’t lack for storage.
She’d written my name on the outside of the folded letter. I didn’t rush the experience, instead, I slowly unfolded the letter feeling a rush of pleasure when a three by five sized photograph fell onto my lap.
Wow.
I set the letter on my knees and picked up the photo. It was Ed. No, Eden. Like I’d never seen her. Her hair was so short she looked like a little dark-haired Tinker Bell. I think that’s even what she called it when I asked her how she was going to cut it- a pixie cut. That was exactly what she reminded me of, a cute little pixie. The dark locks spiked softly framing her beautiful face perfectly. The cut suited her perfectly. Sassy. Sweet. Sexy.
The picture looked like a selfie she’d taken with her phone. It probably was. Her eyes smiled shyly and for all her sass, she looked vulnerable and it made me sad. I knew a little about girls and if there was one thing I’d learned- girls stressed. If I’d been obsessing about our midnight, backyard makeout, I could only imagine what Ed was thinking and feeling.
Which brought me back to her letter. After a last look at her picture and noticing the pendant I’d given her for her birthday hanging in the hollow of her throat, I carefully tucking her photo into my breast pocket, I picked up the letter again and unfolded it.
Dylan,
I’m sorry basic is so awful. Do you wish you hadn’t done it? I bet not. You’re strong enough to handle it. I bet you’re super ripped right now! Eating in five minutes? That should be easy for you. You forget I’ve seen you and Josh down a couple of pizzas in less time than that. I’m not sure how I’d take someone yelling at me all the time. I’d probably get mad and yell back and get myself sent home.
I had to snort at that. She was so right. Eden did not like being told what to do. Shaking my head with a smile, I continued reading.
Judy and the girls are amazing! I love working with them. I’m learning how to do nails now from the nail tech. She teaches me between customers and lets me watch her all the time if I’m not busy. I even come in when I’m not working to watch them all work. (what a nerd, right?) I’m pretty sure I’ll go to cosmetology school when I graduate. I can’t imagine wanting to do anything else.
Allie is still Allie. In love with Connor and not doing anything about it. Whatever. We went to the movies last weekend and she let me drag her to the mall. I’ve been trying to get her to wear more girlie clothes. She hates it.
What are you talking about? Homecoming? I am so done with dances and games and all that stuff. High school is overrated. I’ll wait till I graduate. Or maybe I’ll become a nun. A really stylish nun. OK, I’m not going to be a nun, but I’m still not interested in all that.
I can’t believe how busy you probably are. I haven’t talked to your mom much, but she’s talked to my mom about some of the stuff you guys have to do there. Have you had to do the gas chamber yet? That sounds so awful!
What was the obsession with that? I guess I’d be sending details to Reed and Eden.
You wrote to me, Dill. I’m still in shock. I had to go to the drug store to print out a picture of my hair. Nobody prints pictures anymore, do they? I don’t. So, feel special because I wouldn’t have done that for just anyone. (Except maybe my grandma because she hates technology.)
I know you’re busy so if you can’t write back I understand, but I’ll send you more letters if you want.
XOXO, Eden
I responded right away.
Ed,
I can’t tell you how happy I was to get your letter. And your picture. I love your hair. It looks hot. Sorry you had to go to so much trouble to print it. I can’t wait for basic to be over. I’ll never take my phone for granted again. I’ve never written anything by hand! It makes my fingers cramp up. Yeah, that’s how strong I am now. Taken down by a simple letter. My mom chewed me out because I’ve only responded once to her letters, but I have to save my strength.
What’s this about Homecoming and games and dances? You can’t let he-who-shall-not-be-named ruin high school. Dances and games are what it’s all about. Having fun. It will break my heart to know you are sitting at home every Friday night and not living it up. So, get out there. Forget about him.
I’m so glad things are working out at the salon. Nails. Sounds...great? Ha. I don’t know much about nails. But I’m sure you’re rocking it. Cosmetology, huh? Sounds exactly like what you should do. Don’t worry too much about Allie. Someone will love her just the way she is. If some guy can’t love her for her, he doesn’t deserve her.
Nothing yet on the gas chamber but apparently everyone is anxious for me to go through it. Jerks! Like things aren’t bad enough around here. On a high note, I got the highest score on our last PT test. (that’s physical training BTW, pushups, sit-ups, and running) That means I am PT Stud. Yeah, you read that right. I’m a stud. You can bow down to me next time you see me.
I gotta get to bed. Guard duty will be here before I know it. Thanks again for writing. It made my day.
Dylan
P.S. Please write to me. If you want.
Chapter 20
Eden
I’d gotten a total of six letters from Dylan. I’d never received so much mail in all my life. I found myself rushing to get to the mailbox before anyone else could get it. For once I was glad my parents were never home, it seemed I always beat them to the mail. Maybe it was silly, but I treasured every word written in Dylan’s chicken scratch handwriting that got progressively worse as e
ach letter went on.
The first couple of letters were short, maybe the front of one page. Then both the front and back were covered with his now familiar scrawl. The last letter was two pages front and back and I couldn’t believe all the things he’d shared with me. I thought we’d grown close in the month before he left but for some reason the shield of letter writing had allowed us to share beyond what I could have ever imagined if we’d been speaking in person or even on the phone.
I held letter number seven in my hands. It didn’t take long for me to run into the house and up to my room to read it. Even though I was home alone, I wanted to be in my room with the door closed. The letters from Dylan meant more to me than I could ever express, and I didn’t want to share them with anyone. I hadn’t even told Allie about them. Mom and Dad knew Dylan wrote but since I was the one who got the mail, I didn’t think they had any idea he wrote at least once a week and sometimes twice or that I wrote him almost every day.
I could tell from how heavy the envelope was that this letter was going to be a long one. With shaking hands, I slid my finger under the sealed flap and opened the envelope.
Ed,
It happened. The gas chamber. And it was as horrible as I imagined it would be. First, they loaded us all on a bus and it was a long ass ride. I totally slept the whole way. It’s like they were trying to lull us into a sense of complacency. Once we got there they lined us up outside and I’m not going to lie, I was sitting there thinking about the Jews who were sent to chambers scared to death maybe not knowing what was going to happen. It was kind of humbling.
The room itself was damn creepy. It was dark and filled with smoke. They immediately started yelling at you. It was confusing and burned like hell once the gas came in. I fared better than some. This one guy puked all over himself. Everyone was dropping to the floor, coughing with tears running down their faces. It’s kinda funny now, but it wasn’t at all when we were all in there. I wanted to, I’m not going to lie, I just kept praying like crazy that I wouldn’t throw up. But then, when we got out, I swear I wished I would throw up. My eyes and nose were running. It was so bad. Some guys get recycled (don’t make it through basic for some reason) and have to do the gas chamber again. All I know is I don’t ever want to go through that again.
I shook my head trying to imagine it. It sounded horrible. I never had any desire to join the Army at all and reading Dylan’s letter sealed the deal. I kept reading.
So, every day we run. We run so damn much. There’s this guy here. He joined when he was older. He’s like 35 or something like that. And man, when he got here he was out of shape. I thought for sure he’d try to get out, but he didn’t. Anyway, we were running, and he’s probably lost 40 pounds or more and he is super strong. He can ruck like a mother. I’ve never seen anybody hike like this guy carrying an 80-pound pack.
I’m running, and we’re almost done and all the sudden from behind me I hear ‘ann-i-maaal’ This dude is hauling the mail, coming up behind me yelling at the top of his lungs ‘animal’ you know, that little red guy from The Muppets, running as fast as he could passing everybody. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Even the drill sergeants were laughing and they don’t laugh at anything.
I laughed at the mental image his words created. He’d shared many moments like that one. He was making some good friends in basic. As much as he complained about the drill sergeants, Dylan was thriving. He was in his element. He would be a good soldier. I read some more of his letter. More stories about his day to day. It seemed like he spent most of his time doing pushups. Near the end of the second page, there were three total this time, his tone changed. This was my favorite part of my letters from Dylan. When he came around to personal things.
Ed, I feel like you aren’t being completely honest with me about what’s up with you. You tell me all about the salon and the little old ladies getting their hair set in curlers and doing manicures for little girls that come in with their moms. But you never talk about going out with Allie. Or going to the football games. Or going out on dates.
I’m worried about you. I know the deal with Marshall was hard on you. We haven’t talked about it. We didn’t talk about it when it happened either. Maybe I should have made you go to the hospital or the police or I should have at least told your parents. But I was trying so hard not to betray your trust. I’m just worried now that I did that at the expense of you getting help you might need.
Do you need help, Eden?
It hurts to think of you hurting. Are you hurting? If you are, please talk to somebody. I wish I was there, so I could look you in your eyes and ask you about this stuff. But I’m not, so all I can do is hope you are being honest and that you really are okay.
I also hope you know how much it means to me when I get your letters. I look forward to mail call every day in hopes that a dark-haired beauty from back home has sent me a letter and most days she has.
And then I feel guilty for how much I want to hear from you. I don’t want to hold you back, Ed. I don’t want you to be so focused on me (geez, that sounds conceited, I don’t mean it like that) I just want you to have fun a fun high school experience (crap, now I sound like your guidance counselor) I mean it, though.
I think about it sometimes. (Okay, all the time) I think about that last night in your backyard and I miss you so much it drives me crazy. But that’s not fair to you, Ed. I don’t regret anything even though I probably should. But, well, you know all the obstacles in our way. I don’t need to lay them out for you.
I guess, what I’m saying is, your brother has been my best friend most of my life but you, I feel like you know me better than anyone, even him. And it makes me frustrated to be away from you. It makes me frustrated that I’m so much older and can’t be around to take you to the Winter Formal. But I also don’t want you to miss out on that stuff at all. Ugh, I’m making a mess of this.
I could just imagine him raking a hand through his hair at this point.
You’ve become my best friend, Ed. Not really like Josh is because it’s so different with you, but well that’s just how I feel, and I wanted to tell you. And I want to tell you that I think about those kisses with you way more than I should, but I don’t want any of that to hold you back. I want to do what is best for you because you mean the world to me.
So, I think I shouldn’t write to you anymore. You aren’t moving on from Marshall, Ed. And with me, well, it’s not good for you. I can’t be what you need right now. I’ve been selfish, and I have to stop, or the guilt will kill me. You are precious to me, Eden, and I wish you the best, but I can’t write anymore.
I’m sorry,
Dylan
Tears streamed down my cheeks and landed in puddles on the lined paper in front of me. Why was he doing this? How could he think this was what was best for me? I thought of the kisses we’d shared in my backyard the night before he left. I’d never felt so safe, so loved, in my life. I let down my defenses and fell in love with the one person I’d sworn to hate for eternity and this was why. Because the hurt was almost unbearable.
Chapter 21
Dylan
It was worse than I thought. Life without Eden. Her letters continued to come. Every day they tested my resolve to remain apart from her. She reassured me she understood. That she knew she was too young for me. Too far away. She told me she knew she wasn’t like the other girls I had dated in the past and that she had no delusions about our relationship. I snorted out loud reading that one.
But what Eden didn’t know was that I had been getting regular updates from Josh. Of course, my best friend had no idea I’d spent the better part of three hours kissing his sister the night before I left for basic. He was just worried about Eden and knew he could vent to me.
Eden was hiding. She avoided social activities except to spend time with Allie. She worked at the salon every spare moment. She cut off her hair and apparently, now had a nose ring. I bet it looked sexy.
See? I had a problem. I neede
d to focus. I couldn’t allow my feelings for Eden to interfere with what I knew was best for her. And what was best for Eden was for her to forget all about me. I was worried more than I wanted to admit to myself. More than I was willing to admit to Josh. I wondered if I should tell him about Marshall but was concerned about the fallout. Eden had turned in on herself. She’d buried the vibrant, beautiful girl she was behind a mask. Behind the mask, she trembled and quaked, afraid to be who she really was.
I wanted to beat Marshall Simpkins within an inch of his life- again- for doing that to her. I wanted to spend my days reassuring Eden that she was still the smart, sassy girl she’d always been. The girl I’d fallen in love with over the last six months. But I couldn’t do that. Basic would be finished in a week. After that, I would be going to Joint Base Lewis-McChord in Washington. There was no way I wanted to ask a girl still in high school to commit to some kind of long-term relationship.
I wished I could be her friend, but my feelings were too far gone for that. I wanted to be noble enough to be what she needed. I just didn’t have the strength. Instead, my heart broke with each beseeching letter Eden sent- until today. Today, I had a feeling would be the last time I got a letter from Eden. It didn’t just break my heart, it crushed it completely.
It was short and to the point, leaving no doubt how she felt.
I hate you, Dylan Coulter
The Perks of Hating You ( Perks Book 2) Page 12
