Revised and expanded
Text copyright © 2017, 2020 by Susan G. Groner.
Illustrations copyright © 2020 by Sanna Mander.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher.
Paperback ISBN: 978-1-951412-04-3
Ebook ISBN: 978-1-951412-14-2
LCCN: 2019915952
Manufactured in China.
Design by Andrea Kelly
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
The Collective Book Studio
Oakland, California
www.thecollectivebook.studio
To my parents, and to all the parents that I have learned from and continue to learn from. I use your lessons every day.
—Sue
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
—Kahlil Gibran
In This Book…
Opening Words
Parenting Golden Rules
Family Time
Rules and Respect
Perspective and Judgment
Gratitude and Attitude
Food and Dining
Forbidden Phrases
Life Skills
Family Management
One Last Tip
Acknowledgements
Opening Words
When I was a young mother, I was constantly second-guessing my parenting decisions. How much screen time? How much allowance? What type of chores? Music lessons or sports? Scheduled time or downtime? The list was endless.
Friends, articles, and parenting books provided plenty of advice. I would read a chapter or two (who has time to read a whole book?) and embark on a new parenting direction. My husband could always tell when I had embraced a “New Plan” because I would start enforcing new regulations and change how I spoke to the kids. Worst of all, I would become anxious anew that I had been doing everything all wrong. How would my children ever become the smartest, nicest, and most talented kids in the world given that I had messed things up so badly?
What I have come to realize since is that every child, every parent, and every family unit functions differently, and there is no one answer or directive that will work for everyone. Still, most of us want the same thing—for our children to be safe, for our children to feel loved, and for our children to grow up to be confident, capable, caring adults. On top of that, I wanted to feel good while raising my children. My goal was to find parenting strategies that did not suck the joy out of being a parent.
I have tried many approaches, some with better results than others. One revelation for me was when I decided to let myself become visibly excited about giving my children permission to do something they really wanted to do, rather than behave as if I were reluctantly doing them a big favor. This little shift in attitude helped to make a big difference in my relationship with my kids.
I was first encouraged to write this book by Dayna Steele, who thought I could offer parents some practical, actionable skills to help them improve their parenting. The tips I have culled here are meant to help you relax and find more enjoyment on the route to raising resilient, self-sufficient young adults. This book is designed to be an easy-to-read, pick-up-every-now-and-then reference that may help you look at your parenting style in a different light. If you find a tip that resonates with you, give it a try. If it does not work for you, let it go. Most important, do not get down on yourself if you have been doing things differently. The mere fact that you are reading this book makes you a good parent. It means you are making an effort and that you care.
I hope what I have put together here helps other parents feel more confident, competent, and inspired in discovering what works best for their families.
I think we are defined by the way we treat ourselves and the way we treat other people.
—Oprah Winfrey
CHAPTER 1
PARENTING GOLDEN RULES
1
Say YES with joy
If you know you are ultimately going to drive your child to the mall, let your daughter have a 3-person sleepover or allow your son an extra cookie after dinner—just go straight to a happy YES! When you offer up an awesome gesture as if you are doing your kids a big favor, it takes the fun out of it. It is so easy to add joy to your delivery with “Sure!” or “I’d be happy to!” or “Let’s do that!” Your enthusiasm will make your child feel even better about your YES, but best of all, it will make you feel great.
2
Do not brag about your child
When someone brags about how exceptional their child is, do you ever feel, a teeny-tiny bit, as if your child does not measure up? Well, that is how other parents feel when you brag about your child. As parents, we need to keep this tendency in check. Your child may be exceptional, but leave the heralding for the grandparents.
3
Respect your team
Teachers, coaches, lesson instructors—they are all a part of your parenting team. Your child may be benched or not performing well at school, and you may be frustrated, but do not yell at or blame someone else. Your child needs to see you treat the authority figures in their lives with respect. Do ask privately and politely if there is something your child could do to thrive more in that environment. Lots can get accomplished through teamwork. Little gets done through finger-pointing or blaming.
4
Do not discipline other children
This can get ugly, really fast. Every parent has his or her own way of disciplining, and most are not comfortable with (or appreciative of) someone else taking on that role. Unless the child is in real danger, leave it alone. If a child is being rude in your home or not abiding by your rules, you can simply ask for the child to leave. (Call the parent and explain delicately.) You may even want to explain to the child that he or she is welcome back when they are comfortable following the rules of your home. Anything beyond that is just not your place.
5
Pay attention to timing, manner, and intonation (TMI)
You know what is likely to set your children off. Do not bring up something stressful the night before an exam or when they are tired or hungry. Talk about “tough topics” with an “easy” attitude. Keep your word choices neutral and scrub your vocal inflections clean of any hint of judgment, blame, or negativity. Timing, manner, and intonation can make all the difference in how easily (and willingly) your child is able to engage with you.
6
Leave your past in the past
When you tell your children, “You don’t know how lucky you are …,” you are inadvertently burdening them with your old baggage. When a child hears about your past struggles, they take some of that inside themselves. They cannot do anything about your past and they should not feel as though they must. Stories about your own tough fourth-grade teacher are okay as long as they are stories you would share at a dinner party. Anything touchier than that, leave for your own BFFs.
7
Turn off your phone
When you are with your child, set your phone to Do Not Disturb. Or better yet, put it away. This gesture says, “Right now, there is nothing more important than you!” Setting aside time when you can unplug and not be interrupted is essential to quality time with your children. They will know you are with them 100 percent. And as a bonus, you are setting a great example by not being glued to your phone.
8
Spend time with people you like
Stop hanging out with people that don’t make you feel good about yourself or your parenting. You are not obligated to be friends with or spend time with anyone, even if they are parents of your children’s friends. Showing your kids that there is no p
lace in your life for people who bring you down will help your kids learn to navigate their own friendships.
9
It’s okay to do something for yourself
Whether it’s getting a babysitter for an hour or hiring a housekeeper occasionally, we all need assistance sometimes to find some essential alone time. Accept offers of help from friends or family and don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Nap during your child’s nap time. Watch mindless television. Take a bath. Call a friend. These short, relaxing snippets of time are not only extremely valuable to your health and well-being, they will help you be a more relaxed parent.
One thing I had learned from watching chimpanzees with their infants is that having a child should be fun.
—Jane Goodall
CHAPTER 2
FAMILY TIME
Our Family Traditions:
10
Create your own family traditions
You can build “We always …” moments around practically anything. “We always wake up to a treasure hunt on our birthdays.” “We always play I Spy on long car rides.” “We always celebrate the last day of school with ice cream in the park.” Even if your kids get old enough that they groan when you start performing the Snow Day Dance, deep down they like it. Innocent traditions like these help weave the fabric of family legacy.
11
Celebrate family milestones together
Moving into a big kid bed. Learning to ride a bike. Losing a tooth. Getting braces off. You can avoid having one child feel left out of another child’s accomplishment by making it a point to celebrate everyone’s milestones as a family. This is an opportunity for siblings to learn to be supportive of one another and enjoy each other’s big moments and successes.
12
Share your fun childhood stories
Tell your kids about fun facts or happenings from when you were a child, especially stories that correspond to your child’s current age. Were you mischievous? Did you forget lines in the school play? Were you a class clown? Did you and your friends have a secret fort in the woods? Kids love to hear these stories, and they’ll probably ask you to tell them over and over. These anecdotes make you more relatable and sometimes open the door to kids sharing more about their own world. Just remember to leave your negative stories behind.
Activities We’d Like to do Together:
13
Try something new as a family
Is there an activity you have been wanting to try? Cooking a new recipe with some first-time ingredients. Exploring a new town. Maybe you have never been hiking. Now is the time. Have family members take turns at coming up with the ideas. You’re sure to have a lot of fun, and you’ll create great memories. You might even invent new family traditions.
14
Start meals with a family question
“How was your day?” is a legitimate thing to ask, but it rarely leads to real conversation and more often shuts it down. Instead, make mealtime sharing fun by creating a set of family questions that keep the conversation flowing. Get help from games like Table Topics, or even better, let the kids take turns helping to write them—they may have things they want to ask you about, too. Encourage new questions and add them to your list. Keep the list handy at meal time to help start real conversations.
15
Spend alone time with each child
There is no substitute for one-on-one time with each child. Positive, focused attention helps to build and maintain an emotional connection. If you can swing 10 to 15 minutes every day, great. If you can’t, make sure your kids know spending alone time with them is important to you and schedule it whenever possible. To make the most of this time, do whatever your child wants. That might be building a tower or playing make-believe. If your kids are older, maybe ask them to teach you how to play their favorite video game or show you a favorite app.
16
Play board games together
Board games are not just fun, they offer opportunities to shake up family roles. Games like Chutes and Ladders require luck, not skill, so the littlest family members can win fair and square. Some kids will rule in games like Pictionary, Apples to Apples, and Taboo where being able to anticipate how another player thinks gives you a big advantage. In other words, different board games allow different people’s strengths to be rewarded. So, mix up the repertoire and may the best player win.
Who to Call:
17
Schedule a regular call with family members
Weekly calls with your parents and your in-laws is a good place to start. This is not only a great way for your children and their grandparents (aunts, uncles, etc.) to build and maintain close relationships, but it also provides tons of pleasure for Grandma and Grandpa. Nothing beats real visits, but video calls are second best.
18
Laugh with your kids
There is plenty of science behind the fact that laughing increases bonding hormones and decreases stress hormones. Laughing will not only strengthen your relationships with your children, it may also help them to sleep better and to be more cooperative. And of course, laughing with your spouse can lead to other great things …
Offline Family Activities We Enjoy:
19
Unplug as a family
Spend time together as a family completely unplugged and doing activities offline. Try a family bike ride, hike, or play hide-and-seek. Have a sing-along, juggle, build a snowman. Make a batch of popcorn, snuggle up together, and read. Turning off phones (and other devices) and stowing them out of sight allows time for focused family fun, relaxation, and interaction. If you can do this regularly, it will become a welcome and enjoyable respite for everyone. Perhaps for you most of all!
Loving a child doesn’t mean giving in to all his whims; to love him is to bring out the best in him, to teach him to love what is difficult.
—Nadia Boulanger
CHAPTER 3
RULES AND RESPECT
20
Say NO with conviction
NO should not be your go-to, knee-jerk response. But when you do say NO, make sure you mean it. If you are not sure, give yourself time to think with a “Let me get back to you on that.” Once you deliver your NO, stick to your guns and do not leave the door open for your child’s attempts to negotiate. Nicely say, “I have made my decision” and walk away or resume whatever you were doing. There is no need to feel guilty about saying NO. You know what is best for your child. NO does not mean you are being mean. It means you are being a conscientious parent.
21
Set boundaries
Family boundaries are personal and individual and arise from asking yourself what you consider non-negotiable. For example, “In this family, we never treat each other with disrespect” is an expectation that stems from your values and a position from which you will not budge. When your child knows that sitting in the front seat of the car before she is old enough is never, ever, ever going to happen, she will come to understand that asking is futile. Knowing where you draw the line helps your child feel safe.
22
Stoop to their level—literally
When having an important conversation, try to be eye to eye with your children instead of talking to them from above (literally, “talking down to them”). What you say will be heard more openly; they will feel less intimidated. Sit together on the floor and hold your child on your lap, or if you are standing, maybe let your child sit on a counter. If your child is already taller than you, have your discussions sitting down.
23
Set rules
Rules are simply stated guidelines and expectations. They usually refer to behaviors that, when followed, make life run more smoothly. The main reason to have rules is so you do not have to revisit every situation every time it comes up. If your rule is no phones at mealtime, then there is no need to discuss it each time you sit down to eat. Rules are not optional and should be consistently enforced. Unlike boundaries, there are times when rules can be b
roken, or even reviewed and updated. However, each time you “bend” a rule, you run the risk of diminishing how your children view what is expected of them, so proceed with caution.
24
Let kids help make the rules
When they are old enough, it is great to have kids participate in the rule-making. When your children are invested in the rules, they will better understand their usefulness and will be more inclined to follow them. Their participation will also help them feel more respected as family members. Allow children to revisit and reevaluate the rules with you as needed. Win, win, win!
Parenting with Sanity & Joy Page 1
