25
Set limits
Limits are typically for things that can be quantified: bedtime, the number of cookies allowed after dinner, how much time to spend in front of a screen, the number of consecutive days a bath can be skipped, etc. You can even set limits on how many times your child can whine on Saturdays. Life is not a free-for-all, and limits help us manage that slippery place between what we want and what is good for us. Setting limits for your children teaches them how to set limits for themselves.
26
Use an imaginary leash
Have you ever seen one of those extension leashes for dogs? The dog is tethered, but the leash extends (by a lot) to give the dog room to explore. Use this image to offer some independence and freedom to your child. Each year, allow the leash to get a little longer. Maybe they can walk farther with friends, or they can make their own decisions about how to spend their birthday money. You can always give the leash a gentle tug if need be. By senior year of high school, your child should be able to function with almost complete independence; the leash should be gone!
27
Respect your child’s privacy
Keeping your child safe may sometimes require you to be in their business, but as much as possible, try to run a home where everyone respects each other’s physical privacy. When people share a living space, it’s important for everyone in the family to feel they have some privacy. Make it a norm for your children to knock on your bedroom door before walking in and for everyone to have privacy in the bathroom. Of course, there are times you will want your kids to keep their bedroom doors open, but it is always nice and respectful to knock.
28
Speak softly
When you really want your kids to listen, keep your message to a few words and deliver it more quietly than your normal speaking voice. The quieter the voice the bigger the impact.
29
Be consistent
Here is the reason children thrive on consistency: When life is predictable, it makes them feel safe. The best way to end up with dependable kids is for you to model consistency—with rules, with your expectations of them and their responsibilities, and most important, in how you handle your own responsibilities.
30
Do nothing
Sometimes it is best to let situations play out on their own. That means: do not interfere, do not get involved, do not engage. If your children are arguing, let them. If they come to you to complain, respond with a simple, “Oh.” Your kids will learn to sort things out on their own, because they know you are not going to get involved or take sides. Bonus: this will create less sibling rivalry.
31
Be a receptive and active listener
When your son is having a bad day, just listen. You don’t have to jump in with a solution or life lesson, or deliver a speech. All you need to do is be with him the way you would hope your best friend would be with you—with open ears and an open heart. Make it your mission to discover what your child is trying to tell you. Listening is a skill you will get better at the more you do it. Look for facial expressions that may not match what he is actually saying. Then, repeat back in your own words what you think you heard. This kind of validation lets your child know you are really listening and you think his issues are important. You are also helping your child build better communication skills by modeling yours.
Suggested questions to ask:
What do you think about what’s going on?
What do you think you could do?
What could you do differently next time?
What do you wish you had said?
How might you resolve this?
How did what [that person] said or did, make you feel?
32
Ask kids what they think
Rather than just launching into your own opinions about a problem your child is having with a friend or about a situation at school or even about something going on in your lives together, use probing questions to find out where your child stands on the issue. Remember the active listening tip! Everyone likes to know their opinion is valued and needed.
One of the most frustrating aspects of parenting is that there is no school for it. You learn by doing.
—Dr. Elliot Barsh, Pediatrician
CHAPTER 4
PERSPECTIVE AND JUDGMENT
33
Don’t cry (or yell) over spilled milk
Accidents happen. If your son knocks over a glass of milk while you’re frantically trying to get dinner on the table, it may seem like a big deal, but it’s not. Keep things light—“Oh, don’t you hate when that happens?”—and throw him a towel, so he can wipe it up. Children falter, as do adults. They get paint on their favorite pants. They lose their most cherished toy—again. Don’t harp on every little mishap. Your child already feels bad enough about those things. Practice cutting your child a break. Not only will this create a happier home, but your accepting attitude will teach your kids to cut themselves (and others) a break when the millions of silly little things that go wrong in life inevitably pop up.
34
Do not compare
Some children are organized. Some children love to read. Some children like having lots of friends. Some children eat anything you put in front of them. Every child has strengths. And, every child has weaknesses. Comparing your child to another, whether it is their friend, their brother, or the son of your high school bestie, does not make them feel good. If you believe your child is falling short in bedroom tidiness, approach the topic directly—talk about their toys on the floor and their unmade bed—rather than making them feel like they are not as good as someone else.
35
Embrace boredom
If your daughter is bored, it does not mean you need to drop whatever you’re doing to entertain her. This is a short-term solution that serves only to let your child know that boredom needs to be fixed, and you are the one who will fix it. Explain that not every moment of every day is scintillating. Remind her that she has the best tool to make anything more interesting: her own imagination. When you help your children learn how to find or make their own fun, they get to have a life where routine or tedious experiences (like doing laundry or waiting in line) are not things to dread, and can even be brain-freeing moments to look forward to.
36
Don’t worry about their college until high school
Your child will probably get into college even if she has not become the best violin player in your time zone by second grade. You will meet parents that try to convince you otherwise, but only because someone already convinced them. Childhood and adolescence are times to try different things and discover what you like. Most kids who are groomed for college through some activity end up hating it by the time they apply. College is just another period in your child’s life; it’s not the end game. If college doesn’t fit into your child’s plans, support the decision to attend a trade school, acquire a specialized certification, or pursue anything else she might need to follow her dreams and passions.
37
Have realistic expectations
If you expect things to be perfect, you will undoubtedly be disappointed—often. If you expect that things will sometimes go wrong, you can relax and laugh about it when they do. Planning your child’s birthday party? Arranging a special evening with your partner? Looking forward to a family afternoon? Enjoy the planning and the process, but don’t expect a flawless event. Adjusting expectations helps you go with the flow.
38
Your child is not a Mini-Me
This may come as a shocker, but your child is going to like things you don’t like and may be interested in things you’re not interested in. Just because you loved playing piano, doesn’t mean they will. They may love dancing even if you have two left feet. Rather than directing your child toward your interests and talents and thereby discounting their own dreams and passions, offer them opportunities to discover what they love. Don’t worry. There will be plenty of oth
er ways your little apple falls close to the tree.
39
Lose the P word
Move away from “Perfect” in all its forms: perfectly … perfected … perfection. Striving for perfection can create unnecessary stress for you and your children. It also causes disappointment as it’s usually an unobtainable goal. Kids often avoid trying something new because they don’t think they will be successful. So instead of evaluating the result, praise for hard work and effort. Similarly, you do not have to be a Super Mom to be a great mom. Rather than judging yourself against a perfect ideal, praise yourself for what you have done and start to embrace the delicious feeling of being “good enough.”
40
Failure is your friend
Every chance you get, let your child know failure is merely one step in the learning process. Let him know frustration is not only normal but a necessary part of mastering something new. Let him see you struggle to learn something. Likely, your child sees you doing only what you are already good at. Share with him out loud what you think you might do differently next time you attempt that pineapple upside-down cake. And, ask him what he might do differently if he is having trouble landing that kick flip. There is no such thing as failure if you learn something from it moving forward.
41
Call your childhood self to mind
Try to remember what you were like as a child or teen. Be honest. Were you the super-organized person you are today? Did you do everything you were told? Were you the perfect specimen of a child and after you they broke the mold? Chances are, the answer to each of these questions is no. It takes a long time for the rational, good-sense, non-impulsive part of our brains to develop fully; estimates are 25 years! Children are evolving into the grown-ups they will eventually become—just as you did. Keep that in mind.
42
Everyone is different
This seems obvious, but it’s worth reminding yourself you and your child are not necessarily wired the same way. She may not be organized by nature. He may not be a morning person. You may be a procrastinator and have a child who gets stressed out when she is not on time. We all march to the beat of our own drum, and when you parent to their beat, rather than the beat you think they should be playing, you and your child can develop a lovely rhythm together.
43
Do not pick or judge your children’s friends
At some point, your child will have a friend or two (or three) who you just don’t care for. A tough guy, a queen bee, a kid with no manners, a youngster who is not as studious as you would like. Resist the urge to “shield” your child and keep your negative opinions to yourself. A friend that does not fit your child’s usual mold may fill a need you are not aware of. Maybe your daughter needs a break from feeling like such an academic, and she wants to try and fit in more with the cool kids. Maybe this friendship is an opportunity for her to learn how to put on a little makeup or master a video game. Let your children learn to feel confident maneuvering the ups and downs of friends and cliques on their own.
44
Pick your battles
Not everything is worth an argument. If your son wants to hang posters in his room, but you don’t think they go with the décor, or you don’t want to ruin the walls, or you simply don’t like them, first ask yourself: Is my child going to get hurt by doing this? Is anyone going to get hurt? Is this really a big deal in the grand scheme of things? This brief line of questioning can be employed for clothing choices, food choices, movie choices—practically anything. Your ability to not sweat the small stuff will not only keep the peace, it also helps your child understand the importance of things you do need to clamp down on.
45
Adjust your attitude about mistakes
Telling your children to learn from their mistakes is a great lesson—one of the most important—but you need to walk the walk. Shifting your own idea about mistakes or problems changes your worldview. What if you taught your children to welcome their mistakes and talk about them, rather than live life trying to avoid them? What if you sat down at dinner and said, “What mistakes did we each make today?” What if everyone in your family felt they could share mishaps without feeling judged? You can almost hear the sighs of relief.
46
Do not dismiss your children’s concerns
Kids’ concerns can seem random and outlandish; your job is to figure out what they are really asking. “Mommy, what if you get really sick?” probably means “Who is going to take care of me?” Telling your daughter that her concern is ridiculous and you are never going to be that sick will not make her feel safe. Children feel anxious about a lot of things they don’t yet know how to put into words. Concrete information can quell that anxiety. “If I ever get really sick, Aunt Tilly will come to stay.” Children always feel better if they know you have things under control or have a plan.
47
Ignore the judgy parents
Parent opinions vary widely on how to raise children: how kids should dress, which movies they should be able to watch, how much screen time they should be allowed, what they should eat, how they are disciplined in public. The list is endless and exhausting. One day, you will get “the look” from another parent or a group of parents. Remind yourself that your job is not to raise your child based on someone else’s opinions or methods. Be clear about your own values and ignore the rest.
You Might Not Want to Say:
I would never let my kid …
How could you allow your child to …
You shouldn’t …
My kids never/always …
I can’t believe they let their kids …
48
Don’t you be judgy either
If you might accidentally be that parent, try and remember that most parents are doing the very best they can. If you believe you have helpful, non-judgmental advice that can be delivered in a non-offensive way—in other words, kindly and with understanding—try it once and see how it goes. If the parent bristles or seems put off, feel free to step away from your Perfect Parent Mission and join the rest of us down here in the trenches.
Instead of: You are such an amazing Lego builder!
Try: You must feel very proud of what you’ve built.
Instead of: You are sooo beautiful!
Try: Your smile gives off so much love.
Instead of: You are the most talented dancer!
Try: It seems like you are really enjoying dancing.
Instead of: Good job!
Try: It looks like you are having so much fun! I can see how hard you were concentrating.
49
Monitor praise
Children need an internal voice that lets them know how capable they are. The way they develop that is not by being told repeatedly and excessively they are the best thing that has ever happened to humanity. Use your children’s accomplishments to engage them in developing their own internal voices. As much as possible, avoid phrases like “You are the BEST …,” You are incredible,” or “You are sooo talented!” You want to help build your child’s self-esteem from the inside out, not the outside in.
What separates privilege from entitlement is gratitude.
—Brené Brown
CHAPTER 5
GRATITUDE AND ATTITUDE
Before you buy, ask yourself:
- Does my child need this?
- Did my child do something special to earn this?
- Is this a special item better saved to give at a major holiday?
- Is this an item that my child should save up for and buy themselves?
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Don’t overindulge
Overdoing it with toys, clothes, and gifts creates long-term problems. It sets an expectation in our children that they should be showered with “stuff” all the time. In addition to fostering a mindset of instant gratification, it creates children who grow up with a sense of entitlement. Ask yourself why you feel the need to give, give, give. When a child has time to dream about
something she wants and must also learn to wait for that thing, it sets the groundwork for lifelong motivation and coping skills. Provide for your children based on your vision of the adults you hope they become.
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Practice empathy
Sympathy is when you feel sorry for someone; it usually leaves the person feeling like a victim. Empathy is when you let someone know you understand, and it leaves them feeling less alone with their troubles. Your 5-year-old son is upset because he got a chocolate cupcake rather than a vanilla cupcake at a birthday party. You do not have to fix things; you simply need to validate them. “Oh sweetie, I can see you are really disappointed. I would feel sad too if I didn’t get my favorite flavor.” Try empathy when your fifth grade daughter does not get the teacher she wants, or your teen cannot wear his favorite jeans, because they are in the laundry. Empathy is an emotion diffuser and a relationship builder.
Parenting with Sanity & Joy Page 2
