“I want you so damn much.”
She chuckled, sweetly sitting up and clutching the duvet to her chest. She bent her legs, lifting her knees to her chest. “What are you doing with that tray?”
I glanced down, forgetting what I held.
“Oh, this.” My mouth was dry. I didn’t want breakfast. I wanted Liv. “I wanted to make the morning special for you.”
Her smile faltered. She looked at me in disbelief.
Was I doing too much? I didn’t want to scare her. Shit, if I did too much, she was going to bail.
I was confused.
Her softly arched eyebrows lifted over her big eyes. “Wow. You went all out. We can’t eat this much.”
“We can. I know you can.”
She chuckled, and I handed her a plate with a buttered croissant. She dug into it, her eyes closed. “I’m starving. Thanks for this. You didn’t have to.”
I ran a thumb across her upper lip to get the crumbs off. She stilled, smiling.
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re kind of enjoying your time here in Ashland.”
“Last night was the best life of my life.”
She chuckled and pressed the back of her hand to her mouth.
“You can’t be happy about it. I mean, you’ve fallen right back into this life of us unfortunate mortal paupers in Ashland.”
My smile faded, and my heart twisted in my chest. “I think I need to make a confession.”
“What?” She ate a bite of chocolate cake.
“I’m ashamed of the way I behaved when I got here.”
Her next bite halted midway.
I took a deep breath. “The people here are amazing. They’re smart and kind. I thought my life in Seattle was the thing. You know? I felt like I had it the best. But now, I think that I was in some superiority complex bubble.”
She placed her fork back on the plate without taking that bite. Her green eyes were on mine. I could sense there would be judgment.
“During the last few years, I turned into a cynical, almost unkind, man. And it’s the unkind part that I’m most upset about.”
“You weren’t unkind.”
“I was. First I hid out, like I was too good to even be here, and then I walked around town with an air of superiority. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I let the high celeb-life rub off on me in a totally shitty way. I measured the likeability of people based on their success and financial worth. And I wasn’t even aware of it until I came here and met you. And spent time with you.”
Instead of turning away in disgust, Liv reached for my hand. She lifted it to her mouth she pressed a kiss to my knuckle. My cock surged instantly.
“God, this is a pain. No matter what you do, this happens.” I motioned toward my crotch.
Liv’s eyes followed the direction I pointed, and she released my hand like it burned her. “You’re incorrigible. I hate you sometimes.” She chuckled. “I’m having breakfast. You better deal with that.” She pointed to my dick. “On your own.”
I bit back a smile, noticing the pink blush stain her cheeks. Sliding the tray to my side of the bed, I leaned forward on all fours, pushing her onto her back. She squealed.
“You didn’t hate me last night when I made you…” I kissed her chin and her throat as she laughed and fought, punching my shoulders with just enough force to keep me off her, but not throw me off. She wanted me right where I was. “When I made you come over and over.”
Her arms wound around my neck, forcing my mouth down hard on hers. I settled into her, yanking the duvet out from between us at the same time. I crushed her slim, slender body underneath mine. My knee nudged her legs apart, bringing my crotch in contact with her pussy. Even through the barrier of fabric, the connection was hot.
My phone rang from the kitchen, and I groaned, kissing her harder.
She broke the kiss, gasping. “It’s okay, you can get it.”
I placed my forehead against her bare shoulder. My hands itched to clutch her bare breasts on display.
“I’ll be right back.” I couldn’t resist sliding my tongue over her right nipple and sucking it just once before I left. She curled onto her side as I left the bedroom.
She was going to wait for me right there in bed. All flushed and hot and turned-on for me.
You’re one lucky asshole.
I didn’t want a morning where Liv wasn’t in my bed, waiting for me to get back to her, to bury myself right back inside her.
The thought was crazy. I was still breathless when I answered my phone. “Hey, Mark.”
“Jax! I called you four times last night.”
“I was busy.” I kept my eye on the bedroom door, knowing Liv was waiting. My body churned to get back to her.
“I have great news. Your pilot will be at the airstrip at five p.m. tomorrow to bring you back.”
I stiffened. “What the fuck?”
“You don’t sound happy,” he said in disbelief. “You’re getting out of that shithole.”
My jaw clenched. I got to call Ashland whatever the fuck I wanted. But Mark? No. My fist wanted to connect with his nose. I didn’t say anything, though. I had a bigger problem to solve.
“I don’t think I should come back to Seattle right now.” I turned my back to the bedroom door and leaned my elbows on the kitchen island.
“Are you shitting me?”
I rubbed my forehand, trying to figure out why I didn’t want to go. I was flustered. I didn’t understand what to say. I was clawing at a life raft to stay afloat. “I said I don’t want to come back right now.”
Silence on the other end. He probably recognized my no-nonsense tone. “You wanted out of there.”
“People change their minds. Big deal,” I quoted Liv with great satisfaction.
“Have you checked with Diane on this latest development? She wants you back!”
“That’s too bad. I don’t appreciate that tone of voice, Mark. I can’t do this right now. Later.”
“But—”
I hung up and stared at my phone, wondering what in the hell had gotten into me.
I couldn’t stay here in Ashland. Dad would be back soon. But Liv was in my bed.
I didn’t want to leave Liv. I wanted to spend time with Anna. I wanted to be part of their lives for a little while longer.
But I couldn’t see myself doing that on a long-term basis.
When was the last time you committed to anything?
You don’t even want to be with the Redhawks now.
Hell, the team owns you.
You have no roots. You’re just drifting, lost and confused.
“What do I want to do?”
“Jax?”
I jumped, feeling like I’d been caught doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing. Liv stood in the doorway wearing my white T-shirt, one from my high school days. It said Dastardly on the front in a curved font.
The shirt ended at her knees, making her look tinier than she was.
“I was coming right back to bed.” My voice shook. I’d never heard it sound like that. I was officially losing my shit completely.
Liv bit her lip. “You’re going to Seattle, aren’t you?”
My jaws clenched. Shit. She’d overheard my phone conversation.
I hated that forlorn look on her face. It didn’t matter how many times she told me to leave, she wanted me here. She was as confused as I was.
What are we doing to each other?
Not wanting to commit. Not wanting to go our separate ways either.
We had to pick one of the two sooner or later.
She inhaled sharply and forced a smile. “I mean, it’s okay. You have to go back at some point. I don’t want to fight about this.”
That was enough. Enough bullshit. Someone had to step up and kill their sadistic ego, take a shot at this. I was ready to lose this battle of wills if it meant I got to have Liv in the end.
I strode forward, closing the space between us. Liv’s face tilted back
as she looked up at me.
“I’m done.”
Her lips parted. A darkness clouded the emerald green in her eyes. “What?”
“I’m sick of this shit. I can’t do this with you. Sleep with you and then move on with my life? That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. I don’t want it.”
Her face fell and she bit the inside of her lip. I grabbed her shoulders and drew her closer.
“Can we give this a shot? A real shot? I want to be a family with you and Anna. I want to be with you and treat you like you deserve to be treated. I want to make you forget what a dick I was to you when we were kids.”
She didn’t look away. But her expression was hardly encouraging. She looked like she’d seen a ghost and was still looking at one.
“I kept thinking that I preferred being without any roots or anyone to depend on. Or anyone depending on me. But now I see that this kind of detached existence made me miserable in Seattle. I don’t live there. I just survive. Get through the day. Find distractions to stay busy. That’s not living.”
Liv was still frozen. She didn’t react. I pressed on.
“I know what I want. I want us to be a real family. You, Anna, and me. What do you say? Can you give me a second chance?”
23
Liv
“He said what?”
I stared back at Clara. Her expression mirrored the horror and disbelief on my own face. “I told you, he said he wanted a second chance and he wanted to be a family.”
“And what did you say?” Clara looked genuinely terrified to tread forward.
I knew why. My whole love-hate situation with Jax had gotten too tricky. She was scared of saying the wrong thing. From the get-go, Clara had made it clear in colorful language that she despised Jax for everything he’d done to me in the past.
“I didn’t say anything. I told him to think about it.”
“So you didn’t say you’ll think about it. No such promises were made, right?”
The relief on her face hit a bullseye in my heart.
“You told him he should think it over, which basically means he’s having a psychotic episode and he should reevaluate his insane plan.”
“I know! But what else was I supposed to say? He caught me off guard!”
“You slept with him last night. It’s hardly rocket science that he would want to continue. You know he liked doing that even when you were in high school. According to you, he liked it a lot!”
I bit my lower lip. Clara didn’t even know the half of it. “Actually, last night wasn’t the first time we did it. Since he’s been back.”
Clara visibly jolted at that piece of information. “You’ve been fucking him all this time, and you didn’t tell me. You specifically said you hadn’t.”
“It was a mistake, all right? It happened, and I didn’t want to admit to myself, let alone tell you. And let you be all judgy and annoying about it. You hate him.”
“Oh, Liv. I’m not judging you. I’m scared for you. I’m happy for you if you really want this. But I also know you. I know you can’t possibly take Jax seriously.”
“I know.” I rubbed my hands over my face. “I wanted him. So badly. But I also know this can’t work. There’s no trust. I don’t believe in him. Our lives are on two different tracks on opposite sides of the world. We’ll fuck each other up by the time we decide to end it.”
“You want this to work?”
Clara’s gentle prodding made my eyelids burn with tears. I twisted my fingers, cracking them mercilessly as I watched my hands on the table. The bistro was bustling. It was lunch hour, and it was the only half hour Clara got off during weekdays. I’d made the twenty-minute drive here because I wanted to vent.
“I do. But we’ll be arguing over who visits who pretty soon. Long-distance doesn’t work. I can’t add that kind of stress to my life.”
“Just tell him that.”
“I’ve lost my mind. I don’t want to say no because that would take away what little I do have with him right now. For just this moment, I want Jax in my life.”
Half an hour later, I pulled into a parking spot a few feet from Funky Bake. As soon as I parked, someone pulled the passenger side door open.
I’d recognize that body anywhere. Just last night, that wonderful, incomparable, massive body had been beneath me.
Jax half fell into the passenger seat, a smile on his handsome face.
My heart twisted as my tears threatened to spill. A painful knot tightened in my throat.
Before I could say a word, he slammed the door shut and reached for me and his lips covered mine. Possessive and confident. Consuming. He tasted of spearmint. He smelled of shampoo and cologne and his own distinct scent—the same concoction that embedded itself into my skin every time he fucked me.
I barely moved my mouth beneath the onslaught of his but relished his possessive want. His lips caressed the contours of mine. Gentle. His teeth barely scratching the sides of my mouth. My hands lifted of their own accord, exploring his hard pecs, the bulging muscles flexing underneath my palm.
I moved closer even though part of me fought the pleasure only he was capable of giving me. My fingers curled into the fabric of his white T-shirt.
He broke the kiss after what seemed like ages, and his hands smoothed my hair off my face. His face was inches from mine.
That beloved face. I loved him with a vengeance. How could I get him to return to his life and abandon this idea of being a family?
“I’ve been waiting for you for the last hour. Why didn’t you take my call?”
“I didn’t? Oh, my phone’s on silent.”
He took my hand and pressed my knuckles to his chiseled lips. “Where did you go?”
“I went to see Clara.”
His smile wavered. “I thought you said Clara doesn’t get any time off during the weekdays.”
“She made an exception today. It was an emergency.”
His hand tightened on mine. “Is this about what I asked you last night?”
I freed my hand from his and was slightly heartbroken when he let it go without any resistance. “I’m surprised this is a direction you think we can consider. You’re setting us up for disaster. Except this time, Anna will be collateral damage.”
“No way. No way in hell.” He turned to me, his long legs restricting any further movement. “Look, I know you think it’s going to be difficult. Logistics are an issue. You have your business,” he said, pointing to Funky Bake through the windshield, “and I have my career in Seattle. But I want time with you and Anna. I want us to have a future together. I’ll stay in Seattle during the season and move back here for the rest of the year.”
“You hate it here.”
“Not anymore I don’t. My girls live here, and I belong here.”
The tears I’d fought valiantly for the last hour burst past of my useless eyelids, spilling down my cheeks.
“Oh, Liv.” His fingers flicked my tears away.
I sniffled, forcing myself to smile. “I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. I’m sorry. There’s nothing to cry about.”
“No, you can cry all you want.”
I gaped at him.
“I hate when people say don’t cry. You cry if you fucking want to. Cry all damned day. But let me hold you while you do. I know this is hard. It’s tricky. But I’ll do what it takes, I promise.”
I clenched my eyes shut, squeezing the drops of moisture out of them.
“There are hundreds of families where one parent gets deployed for years. Those families survive it too. I’m not even going to war. I’ll only be gone a few months of the year. I can afford to fly home whenever I want.”
My eyes darted to his. “Home?”
He seemed shocked that he’d said that. “I guess that’s what it’s going to be. Since you’re here.” He stroked my cheek with a thumb.
His tenderness, his sudden willingness to commit and be this understanding, sensitive person made me cringe.
He’d been this person once before, and I’d loved him. Then he’d flipped a switch and decided he didn’t want to be this person anymore. I couldn’t live like this, on tenterhooks, waiting for the moment when Jax would decide he was better off alone and family less. And he stopped giving two fucks.
I didn’t want to hurt him. I wanted him to see that it was an ill-conceived plan. Even though it would break my heart into a million pieces when I finally succeeded in convincing him. He’d leave me and Anna behind.
Better now than later.
Better to break Jax’s heart now, and save your own and Anna’s heart down the road.
Resolve tightened in my chest, and I lifted my chin in defiance. “Jax, I really care about you. But this is going too fast.”
“Stop.”
“You know you better than I do. You’re a live-in-the-moment kind of guy. You’re enjoying your present, and you want it to last. But I’m sorry, I don’t trust you anymore.”
His jaw clenched, but he wasn’t angry. He looked miserable. It was not a look that suited the charismatic man I loved.
“I won’t allow Anna to become your temporary amusement. I can’t go down this road again.”
Silence stretched. Jax stared up at my bakery. His expression was unreadable as I looked at his profile.
He was so damned hot. And I hated to think it, but he looked like mine. A possessive streak shot through me when I remembered his star-studded Seattle life.
I despised the models and actresses clinging to his arm. Jax was mine. But I couldn’t have him. I had to let him go. For Anna. I was now a risk-averse person, and that kept me safe.
I’d rather be safe than sorry. Even if it broke my heart in the process.
He opened the car door and I stiffened, waiting for him to say he’d return to his life. I was desperate to convince him that staying would be catastrophic.
“I’ll do whatever it takes to make you believe in me again.”
The car door landed in it frame, and he walked away. He didn’t look back at me. Not even once. I couldn’t stop staring at him, and I couldn’t stop the tears streaming down my face.
Baby's Daddy: An Enemies to Lovers Romance Page 15
