Where to Draw the Line_How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

by Anne Katherine

  With that kind of acknowledgment, Anita could not only feel safe but expect that a conversation with Kelly might go in a positive direction.

  HEALTHY COMMUNICATION BOUNDARIES, PART II

  • Acknowledge the other person’s request—or ask for clarification if it isn’t clear.

  • When someone makes a request, before saying yes or no, ask yourself if there’s a way that you would be benefited if the conditions were changed somewhat.

  • Communicate the changes you propose or set boundaries on the original request.

  • Notice if you have entered a process of negotiation. Your counteroffer may be met with another offer. If you each acknowledge the variation proposed to you before countering that proposal, the negotiation will feel positive, and the chances are excellent you’ll create an outcome that will be satisfying to both of you.

  • Pay attention to what is missing in a conversation. If your reasonable questions go unanswered, or if your boundaries, conditions, or counteroffers are ignored, that is a response. Instead of trying harder, center yourself again, remember what you want, and state it clearly again.

  It’s okay to point out that the other person is ignoring what you are saying. “Fred, I said I would not cook dinner for your poker club unless you did the shopping and the cleanup. Ignoring my conditions is not improving your chances. I won’t do it at all if you won’t help me.”

  COMMUNICATION VIOLATIONS

  • Refusing to acknowledge boundaries set by the other person

  • Refusing to respond to appropriate questions about the request

  • Ignoring the other person’s responses

  • Ignoring the context of your relationship

  • Making a request inappropriate to the relationship (without acknowledging that the request is unusual or inappropriate)

  HANDLING QUESTIONS

  You are not required to answer every question put to you. If a person asks a question that feels inappropriate given the nature of your relationship, you do not have to answer. (We have sometimes been so schooled in being polite that we sacrifice ourselves on the altar of courtesy.)

  Look at how the same question can be handled differently based on who’s asking:

  From Aunt Mabel (notorious busybody who can be counted on to spread your answer—with considerable distortion—to people you don’t even know):

  “You’re a pretty girl, Evie. But looks don’t last forever. You’re almost thirty. You should be thinking of marriage. Are you dating anyone?”

  “What about you, Aunt Mabel? Uncle Fred’s been gone a long time. Have you got your eye on anyone?”

  Or, if Uncle Fred is still kicking . . . “How many couples do you know who are actually happily married, Aunt Mabel?”

  From someone at your office who is a distant acquaintance:

  “Are you married?”

  “Why do you ask?”

  From a person you just met at a party in whom you have no interest:

  “Are you dating anyone?”

  “I’ll let that be my little secret.”

  Or, “We just don’t know each other well enough for me to answer.”

  From your mom, who means well, but who has a tendency to put her anxieties on you:

  “Are you dating anyone, dear? You know, the longer you wait, the fewer fish in the sea.”

  “Mom, I’ve got a squid lined up right now.”

  Or, “Gee, Mom, maybe I should rush out and marry the first drunk I see. Do you think it’s better to be married to a jerk than to be single and happy?”

  From your brother, who always thinks he knows what’s best for you to do:

  “Are you still dating that nowhere farmer, Harold?”

  “Are you referring to that steady, dependable, trustworthy, honorable guy I introduced you to at the reunion?”

  From your best friend, who keeps confidences and cares a lot about you:

  “Are you still seeing Harold?”

  “Yes, and while I like him a lot, sometimes I worry because I’m not that excited when I know I’m going to see him.”

  TECHNIQUES FOR HANDLING INAPPROPRIATE QUESTIONS

  • Ask them a question.

  • Turn the topic to them.

  • Take their question to its extreme.

  • Answer in a way that doesn’t reveal any tender or intimate information.

  • Ask them why they are asking.

  • Acknowledge that you don’t know them well enough to reveal the answer.

  • End the conversation.

  INFORMATION BOUNDARIES

  Be the guardian of your own tender information. Be careful about revealing delicate or personal information to someone who’s mean, careless, or untrustworthy. Consider the following boundary violations:

  Joy Stealing

  After five years of hard work, Matthew finally got a promotion. He was overjoyed. He called his dad looking for approval and celebration.

  “Dad, I’ve been promoted to shift supervisor!”

  “I don’t know why you want to work in production. Computers are where the money is.”

  Matthew was immediately deflated. His achievement was ignored. His dad’s message was, “You still aren’t doing it right.”

  Which of the following responses would have fostered Matthew’s joy?

  1. “How much more money will you get?”

  2. “Your older brother just made captain. You should call and congratulate him.”

  3. “Took you long enough.”

  4. “I owned a company when I was your age.”

  5. “Fantastic, son! Let me take you out to dinner to celebrate.”

  Response 5 is the only one that is supportive. All the others would have stolen Matthew’s joy.

  If someone has a track record of missing the point, responding critically, or one-upping you, don’t take your joy, self-revelations, or achievements to that person. Look toward someone who is truly on your side.

  Discounting

  “Sis, I had such an important realization. I care about children more than anything. I’m going back to school and get my teacher’s degree.”

  “What makes you think that will make you happy?”

  If, after a long process, you discover something significant about yourself or life, or about what you care about, tell only a safe person. Don’t risk an important discovery with someone who won’t appreciate its significance.

  Usurping

  “Mom, my book is going to be published!”

  “Well, Talia, isn’t that fine. I guess we didn’t do such a bad job raising you after all. I can’t wait to tell all my friends.”

  Talia’s mother took the credit for herself. She is going to tell her friends, not to brag about Talia, but to glorify herself. She is usurping the credit and pirating Talia’s achievement.

  If you have friends or relatives who are similarly self-absorbed, looking at anything you say for what it means to them, wait to tell them your good news until you’ve experienced all the joy of it for yourself. Later on, when you’ve already claimed all the juice of your achievement, their reaction won’t take so much from you.

  Tell private, confidential information only to people you can trust to keep your secrets. Sometimes really charming people are so warm that we want to open ourselves to them. But be sure, before you go too far, that they are willing and able to hold sacred what you tell them. No matter how charming someone is, if they have divulged your privacies in the past, you risk continued exposure if you confide in them again.

  Overtalking

  On Oprah Winfrey recently, I saw a program where a man was saying, essentially, “Women just want one thing and one thing only—a man’s billfold. That’s all they care about. If a man doesn’t have a job, forget it, a woman’s not interested!”

  His face was red, he was bent forward in his chair, and he spoke loud enough to reach the people in the bleacher seats. But Oprah’s show doesn’t have bleacher seats. Women in the audience tried to speak
to him, but each time he interrupted them and returned to his favorite theme, of which the above was an excerpt.

  Just from the bit I’ve said, can you be a boundaries sleuth and detect the boundary violations in the situation?

  Pick from the following list:

  1. Having a strong opinion.

  2. Making a blanket statement about an entire group and refusing to allow someone from that group to demonstrate that the statement does not apply to them.

  3. Bullying someone so that her voice is silenced.

  Choice 1 is the only example that isn’t a boundary violation. Many of us hold strong opinions. Nothing is wrong with that. The problem comes when we actively prevent someone else from expressing their opinions, especially when they are our partner in an intimate relationship.

  The Discounter

  Dear Steve,

  We’ve only met twice—once as children and once as adults. Still, we are brother and sister. Perhaps there’d be benefit to both of us in communicating.

  I realized, in reading the last e-mail from Dad, that he was speaking to both his children. So I looked at the list of e-mail addresses and thought Steson must be you. I hadn’t looked closely at the list before because it seemed a private thing.

  So, hi! I thought I’d send an e-mail message to you directly to let you know that if you’d ever like to talk to me directly, I would welcome knowing you better and what your life is like.

  Kristin

  Kristin,

  I didn’t realize SewSeam was your e-mail address or that Dad’s letters were going to you also.

  Privacy on the Web, no such thing.

  Get to know me? I’m not sure you or I want that, but you are welcome to stop by if you are ever passing through Tallahassee.

  Dear Steve,

  A person can respect another’s privacy, even if the system as a whole does not support it.

  I would like to know you better, don’t know why you think I wouldn’t, but I’ll respect your preference.

  (Does anyone actually pass through Tallahassee?)

  Kristin

  Kristin,

  Don’t misunderstand my last remark.

  It’s just that charming and sweet are not me.

  As my co-workers will tell you, I’m well on my way to becoming a grouchy old man.

  Dear Steve,

  Do you enjoy being grouchy?

  Kristin

  To: Kristin

  I am not really grouchy—rather, the terms are blunt, plain-spoken. I rarely exhibit anger, and am generally in a good mood.

  This short interchange contains several types of communication violations. I call two of these “billiard ball” and “hit and run.”

  A healthy conversation resembles a tennis game. Person A tosses a conversational ball by making a statement. Person B returns the ball by responding in a way that includes an acknowledgment of person A’s meaning. Then person A returns the ball by responding in a way that acknowledges person B’s response. The conversation may travel over different subjects, but each response in some way connects to the other person’s previous comment.

  In a billiard ball conversation, each successive comment is in a new direction, connecting poorly or not at all to the previous comment. Person A makes a statement. Person B puts a different spin on the statement and then responds to the new spin as if it were the original meaning. If person A restates their original meaning (trying to establish a tennis game conversation), person B again gives it a different spin and goes off in a different direction, bouncing off their own thoughts, instead of taking in the meaning of person A.

  Did you spot the billiard ball statements between Steve and Kristin?

  Here’s an example:

  K: I would like to know you better, don’t know why you think I wouldn’t, but I’ll respect your preference.

  S: Don’t misunderstand my last remark. It’s just that charming and sweet are not me. As my co-workers will tell you, I’m well on my way to becoming a grouchy old man.

  K: Do you enjoy being grouchy?

  S: I am not really grouchy—rather, the terms are blunt, plainspoken. I rarely exhibit anger, and am generally in a good mood.

  Even when Kristin responds precisely to Steve’s statement, he spins her statement and denies it. Nearly every statement on his part negates her previous comment in some way.

  Such a communication style could, over time, cause a loss of clarity and motivation for Kristin. This style not only makes communication nearly impossible, it also is a crazy-making experience for her. The subliminal message from Steve is, “I discount everything you say, even if you say what I say.” Kristin would need to be very clearheaded to follow the twists of the conversation and to stay on track with her original intention.

  Now look at the “hit and run” statements. I use this term when a person throws a punch or discounts the speaker in some way, and then pretends they haven’t or goes on in a different tone as if the barb didn’t sting. It feels crazymaking to the receiver, whose head is spinning, trying to reconcile the conflicting messages.

  Offer: I would welcome knowing you better.

  Hit and Run: Get to know me? I’m not sure you or I want that but you are welcome to stop by if you are ever passing through. . . .

  (Hit: the indirect rejection. Making it sound as if he’s speaking for her though his words contradict her message. Run: Invitation to stop by if ever passing through when they live at such a distance from one another. Appears to be a counteroffer but too unlikely an option to be a real possibility.)

  Offer: I looked at the list of e-mail addresses and thought Steson must be you. I hadn’t looked closely at the list before because it seemed a private thing.

  Hit and Run: Privacy on the Web, no such thing. . . .

  (Hit: Ignoring and discounting an offer. Run: Changing the subject without acknowledging the offer.)

  What do you think is the overall message when someone uses a hit and run and/or a billiard ball conversational style? Pick one of the following possibilities:

  1. Seeks intimacy. Wants to be close to other person.

  2. Is warning the other person not to get close.

  3. Hopes the other person will come to know who they are.

  4. Is really interested in the other person.

  The answer is choice 2. Billiard ball and hit and run conversations warn the other person to keep their distance. These techniques block and prevent intimacy.

  The other communication violation contained in nearly all of Steve’s responses is that he negates Kristin’s comments and ignores any positive aspect of what she is offering him. What do you think someone gains by repeatedly discounting or negating what another person says?

  1. A feeling of equality in the relationship.

  2. A partner whose esteem is enhanced.

  3. A sense of being more right or one up in relation to the other.

  4. A partner who is motivated to communicate.

  The answer is choice 3. When a person repeatedly negates what another person is saying, they are presuming to rule over the other person’s speech and thoughts.

  The actual communication between Kristin and Steve continued through several more letters, which followed the same pattern shown here. She kept trying to clarify his meaning, and he kept spinning and negating, except that occasionally he would reveal something of his life or ideas.

  Whenever he seemed to be offering her something about himself, Kristin would respond warmly and reveal something about herself, matching his level of risk. It seemed as if, despite a poor start, they were making little steps forward. Then the whole thing collapsed under another series of billiard ball/negating letters.

  STAYING IN A NEGATIVE CONVERSATION TOO LONG

  Let’s look at Kristin’s part in this situation. From the beginning Steve was giving her the big picture. He didn’t want intimacy. He was suspicious of being known and saw that as threatening.

  Why did she keep going? What kept her from saying, �
�Communicating with you is obviously going to be more work than I want to put into it. You keep changing the meaning of what I’m saying and negating both my invitations and my thoughts and speech. This is too much trouble. I quit.”

  Kristin did what a lot of well-meaning people do. She couldn’t believe Steve was really turning down an opportunity for friendship. She seemed to think that if she just said it clearly enough, Steve would understand her invitation and want to accept it. Women, especially, seem to keep trying in a relationship after they’ve gotten 270 messages to go away.

  In addition, we are likely to try harder when the other person is a relative. The stakes are higher when you are seeking a relationship with a parent or sibling.

  We are allowed to refuse an invitation to friendship or relationship. It’s easier on everyone if this can be said directly but, unfortunately, many folks communicate their refusals indirectly—by committing boundary violations. Your job—if someone is committing communication violations against you—is to notice the big picture, take yourself out of the situation, and save your energy and goodness for someone who can appreciate them.

  Chapter 5

  SETTING BOUNDARIES ON DEFENSIVENESS

  James Keystone decided to confront his wife. He realized that he was happier when he was not at home, that for a long time he’d gradually been losing interest in his marriage. Allie was doing something that was driving him away, and he was reaching a turning point in his commitment to her.

  He decided to confront her and give the marriage one more chance. He waited for a Saturday morning when they’d both rested and had no obligations.

  “Allie, I need to talk about something important.”

  “What.” Her tone was angry. She was like a cat arching her back.

  “You withdraw yourself from me when I displease you, or you take something away from me, and it’s starting to affect how I feel about us. I want to talk about it. This is very important to me.”

  “Be specific, James. Give me an example.”

  “All right. Thursday, last month, I stayed at the club after my golf game and got home later than usual. Since then, you haven’t fixed supper on a Thursday.”