Where to Draw the Line_How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

by Anne Katherine

  “You get all caught up in your own mind and you don’t hear me. You just go off in your own direction, never mind what I’m really saying.”

  “Allie, you’re responding with one defense after another. Do your best to listen to me. I’m illustrating my point that, over and over again, your standard response to being unhappy with me is to withdraw and be cold or to punish me by causing something we share to disappear.”

  “In every one of your examples, there’s a good reason for me to be unhappy with you.”

  “If you’re unhappy with me, tell me. Let’s talk about it. But freezing me out is only discouraging me from trying.”

  “You’re yelling at me.”

  “You know that I’m not. Are you refusing to address my issue?”

  “I was really disappointed with my birthday. A person only turns forty once. I wanted a party.”

  “I’m so sorry I didn’t understand that. I really wanted you to have a special birthday.”

  “I was really hurt. Ethel’s husband threw her a big party with all her friends and black balloons and black food, and they had a lot of fun.”

  “I can see you didn’t feel special or celebrated by your friends at such an important point in your life.”

  She nodded. “I found a gray hair just the week before. I wanted to get some good out of getting older.” She started crying. He went to her and held her. She relaxed into him.

  “I didn’t realize you had all this going on for you.”

  “I felt stupid about it. I couldn’t say anything.”

  James asked, “How could I reach out to you without knowing?”

  “I gave you hints.”

  “I missed them.”

  She answered, “That hurt, too.”

  “Darling, it’s not from inattention that I miss your hints. It’s because I’m just a man who can’t read subtle feminine print. I want to respond to you, but I need bigger print on the cue cards.”

  She giggled and settled against him. They were silent together.

  “Do you think you could take in what I’m saying now?”

  She nodded. “I’ll try.”

  “When you communicate to me by withdrawing and being cold, it eventually pushes me away. Please be angry directly. Tell me with words that you’re unhappy with me. I can take your anger if you’ll express it to me. Lately you’ve been freezing me out so often that I’ve begun to believe I can’t do anything right for you, and it’s hard for me to keep trying.”

  Her eyes were cast down. “I know I have a terrible time saying I’m angry. I feel angry, and then feel I don’t have a right to feel it, and so I shut you out.”

  “Is that the only way you’ve been able to express it?”

  She nodded.

  “But it’s not working for me. When I feel that nothing I do will be right, I give up.”

  “I can see that. I’m sorry. I think I’ll need help to change this.”

  “Do you want my help?” he asked.

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Who’s your healthiest, happiest friend?”

  “Jennifer,” she answered without hesitation.

  “What if you talked to her about it, and find out what she does?”

  “Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ll talk to her.”

  “I feel closer to you. I feel hopeful.”

  “I feel embarrassed that I’ve been so cold to you.”

  “I can’t tell you what a relief it is to hear you say that. I feel like forty tons have dropped off my shoulders. Want to do something together—go to a movie, go to the park?”

  • • •

  An interesting thing happened in the midst of this conflict. Although Allie wasn’t able to acknowledge his issue at first, she suddenly began doing what James wanted her to do. As he steadfastly held to his point and refused to be drawn into her defenses, she abruptly dropped the defensiveness and got into what had happened to her on her birthday.

  When this all-important change happens in a conflict, it’s very important to realize it, or the whole thing will go astray again. If you’re asking for something, and suddenly you start getting what you’re asking for, try to get on that path and stay on it.

  When confronted with defenses, stick to your point. When responded to with feeling and openness, go with the process. If a door suddenly opens, walk through it. The chances are excellent that the other person will eventually be able to hear your concern fully. The trick is to avoid insisting on what you want while missing that it has already arrived.

  Learn to read both words and behavior. Some people respond with words first and behavior later. Other people will move into the behavior you want but not have the words for it until afterward.

  When you’re in an argument or conflict and the other person gives you an approximation of what you want—not doing it perfectly, but being in the right ballpark—appreciate it. Realize that the person is making an effort on your behalf. If you wait till they are perfect, you have a long wait ahead of you; they won’t ever get perfect, because you aren’t cueing them that they are on the right track.

  So the fine art of handling defenses includes being able to discern when the other person has suddenly switched out of defensiveness and into real communication. You’ll soon be able to see if this is yet another cleverly disguised defense; for if someone is faking a response, it will feel confusing to you. When they express their true feelings in an effort to engage with you, you’ll sense the integrity of it.

  A conflict has moved toward mutual understanding when you feel yourself softening toward the other person, when you feel like being closer, or when you want to touch them or look into their face. As your anger melts and your empathy increases, you can trust that the shift in the conflict has been a healing one.

  THE STRAW THAT BREAKS THE RELATIONSHIP’S BACK

  Defenses cost a lot over time. Important messages are lost, warnings are missed, and issues drag out forever. It’s amazing how protective we can be of our own mistakes, even though admitting to mistakes or harmful patterns can bring enormous improvement to a relationship.

  We know when we’ve reached a turning point in our commitment to another person. At that intersection, we may offer them a last opportunity to catch on to the gravity of an issue. (This effort will usually not be emphasized by a comment such as, “Pay attention. This conversation could make or break my commitment to you.”)

  Hopefully, if both people have worked to keep communication clear and clean, they’ll have practiced the good habits that will enable them to handle this significant conflict well and thereby save the relationship.

  Chapter 6

  BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS

  A boundary is like a line drawn around us that says, This is my limit. Go no further.

  When someone crosses one of our limits (whether we personally set them or whether they are built in to the situation), the relationship is immediately harmed, and our own integrity can be threatened.

  Occasionally a person might cross a boundary accidentally, just out of ignorance. This is called a boundary error. It becomes a boundary violation if that person disregards us when we educate them that a boundary exists.

  Carla met her future daughter-in-law for the first time at a Kingsma family dinner. “Mom,” said her son proudly, pulling close a young woman with dark hair and proud eyes, “this is Ann.”

  Carla gave a quick once-over of the girl’s apparel, assessed that it was not of Lord & Taylor quality, and said, holding out her hand, “Welcome to the family, Annie.”

  The girl took her hand and said, “Ann, Mrs. Kingsma. My name is Ann.”

  Carla turned toward the rest of the family and said, “Everyone, this is Brad’s fiancée, Annie.”

  Brad’s father and brothers gathered around her and welcomed her, each calling her Annie. With each she stated firmly and clearly, “My name is Ann.”

  The men of the family, without exception, switched to Ann immediately, but Carla called her Annie th
e rest of the evening.

  Carla made a boundary error the first time she changed Ann’s name, but after she was corrected and she continued to use the wrong form of the name, she committed a boundary violation.

  It might seem like a small thing to alter a name, but one’s name is not a trivial matter. It is much more than a label. It is a part of identity, almost a metaphor that wraps up the entirety of a person. Each person’s name has great meaning to them, connecting them with their heritage, their ancestors, and their history.

  In certain cultures, the quick American familiarity of immediately shortening a name is insulting. To call Lord Charles Chuckie or Bud is just not appropriate. To call Habib Habby shows ignorance and lack of respect.

  Sometimes we bestow nicknames out of affection. I have nicknames for many of the people I love (sometimes more than one for the same person), and it’s a sign of affection; but if you alter someone’s name and they correct you or ask you not to, you commit a boundary violation by continuing to disregard their wishes.

  Carla’s violation instantly harmed her relationship with her future daughter-in-law. The quick regard of the males of the family, however, started their relationship with Ann on the right foot. Within ten minutes, she was closer to the men than to her future mother-in-law.

  If Ann had gone along with Carla, accepting a name that she did not like, telling herself it wasn’t that big a deal, she would have begun to participate in her own boundary violation. Standing up for herself, even when her request continued to be disregarded, kept her spirit intact. The integrity of Ann’s relationship with Carla was harmed, but her own integrity was not.

  Carla’s behavior told Ann a great deal about her future mother-in-law, and from that one experience she knew not to take risks with her, not to confide in her, and not to expect true affection. When someone violates one of your boundaries, or you observe them violating someone else’s, consider that a warning. Don’t expose yourself to any further damage or assault from them—and be on the alert for future violation attempts.

  We sometimes wrongly believe that if someone has acted badly toward us, we will change their attitude by making ourselves more vulnerable. In fact, the opposite is usually true: the more vulnerable we make ourselves, the more likely it is that the boundary violations will continue or worsen.

  For example, imagine that Ann, alone in the kitchen with Carla, had confided something important to her, thinking that an intimacy might win Carla to her side. This would have been a mistake, because it would have exposed Ann to further risk. She would essentially be saying, “Here, I open my gates to you. Come on in, even though you are not on my side.” She would thus be creating her own boundary violation, because Carla had already demonstrated that she would use personal information against Ann.

  Had Ann confided, for instance, to Carla that she was nervous on the way there—a perfectly natural feeling under the circumstances—Carla might translate that to the rest of the family in a way that would diminish Ann: “That girl Brad is thinking of marrying is a timid little thing. She was scared to death to have dinner with us. You’d think we were going to put her on the spit and roast her.”

  In the situation with Ann and Carla, Ann set the boundary and Carla violated it. Much of the time, however, a boundary is set by the situation itself. For instance, it’s a boundary violation for a doctor to hug a patient during a medical exam, or for an interviewer to ask a job applicant, “Tell me a little about the company your husband works for.” And it’s always a boundary violation for a parent to be sexual or physically abusive in any way with a child.

  Every child has a line drawn around them. Inside that space is a child’s sexual, emotional, and physical safety. If a parent hits their child in the head, the line has been torn, and the integrity of the parent-child relationship is immediately harmed. If the child’s other parent observes or suspects the violation and doesn’t make their spouse stop, the child is abruptly alone in the world. From then on the relationship with both parents is altered.

  Violating anyone causes pain and harm, but when the victim is a child, the consequences are more severe. Because children are small, vulnerable, and inexperienced, and have limited options and a poor understanding of what is right and normal behavior, they can be emotionally as well as physically harmed. Abuse alters a person’s future in a negative way.

  Children tend to believe that the way they are treated is what they deserve. As a result, when they are violated, they then search around inside themselves to find the reason. They come up with things like I’m bad, or I don’t do things well enough, or I failed Dad; therefore I’m a failure. They aren’t able to see that it’s the parent who is wrong.

  If a father deliberately runs his hand over his teenage daughter’s bottom, her system is immediately shocked. Her sexual safety is suddenly gone, and their relationship is instantly and permanently altered.

  Since a child is unlikely to know how to fix the boundary—and since a parent who has already violated a child is likely to violate again—the harm to the child is often lasting.

  Shiree told her mom about her dad fondling her. Mom told Dad to stop, and then never mentioned it again. But Dad needed far more serious consequences than a few negative words. Mom’s ineffectual response exposed Shiree to another three years of escalating abuse. She lost both her mom and her dad from that point on.

  Linda, Shiree’s younger sister, watched in terror and confusion as the abuse unfolded. Even though her father never touched her inappropriately, she withdrew from her parents almost as quickly as Shiree. Ultimately, the entire family lost their home as a sanctuary.

  When a mother is beaten, the children are violated as well. They can’t be sure that harm won’t one day descend to them. They also go through agonies of paralysis—wanting to save Mom, fearing their own danger if they try. At a young age, they learn to hate men, or despise weakness or women, and their model for handling their own anger is to hurt someone.

  A boundary violation within a family therefore harms not only the relationship of the two people directly involved, but the relationships of all the people in the family.

  • • •

  In any situation where a boundary violator is in a position of greater power than the person who is violated, the violation is automatically more serious. This power may come from use of a weapon, from superior size or strength, or from a role, such as parent, boss, minister, therapist, or doctor.

  When we depend on someone else for something we need—be it a paycheck, spiritual redemption, medication, treatment, or housing and meals until the age of eighteen—we have an investment in remaining in the situation until we no longer have those needs.

  Remember, a boundary violation is different from a boundary error. A boundary error is an inadvertent mistake, a result of being unaware that a boundary exists. People in positions of power already know that it’s a violation to use their position to exploit a subordinate or patient.

  For example, doctors already know that their position of trust requires them to stay within ethical limits. They know not to use a patient sexually or for undeserved financial gain. Ministers know they’re given a greater measure of trust than a layperson, and thus must take much more care to keep their motives and actions clean. Bosses know that their subordinates will produce better work if they feel safe.

  When you see someone violating a boundary that we all know is built in to a situation, be warned. You are being clearly shown that they are willing to exploit others for their own gratification or gain. Get away from this person. Don’t make excuses for them. Don’t give them the supposed benefit of doubt. Don’t minimize their behavior by thinking that perhaps they didn’t realize what they were doing. Be assured that they realize it.

  If you’d rather not lose what you get from that association—he’s the only doctor for six hundred miles, all your friends are members of that church, you like the work and the benefits are good—then you owe it to yourself to see if you can salv
age the situation.

  Muster your own personal power, center yourself, and be clear and straightforward in stating your own boundary. Remember that you do have real power in this situation. Most violators are bullies and most bullies feel pretty weak inside. Lots of times they get away with what they do because no one calls them on it.

  Naming your boundary will be enough for some people. If, however, they continue to violate that boundary, you will have to introduce consequences, either by exposing their violation (telling their boss about it, for example), or by leaving the situation.

  Some bullies get meaner when they feel cornered. If you suspect this is the case, then get out. When other boundaries fail, the one we can always use is the boundary of distance. We can take ourselves away from the violator.

  THE DISTANCE BOUNDARY

  The longer we stay in a violating situation, the more traumatized we become. If we don’t act on our own behalf, we will lose spirit, resourcefulness, energy, health, perspective, and resilience. We must take ourselves out of violating situations for the sake of our wholeness.

  Tariq started being rough with Chantal before they were married. He’d grip her arm or pin down her hands. Each time, he explained it away by saying he got upset whenever he thought she might be interested in someone else. For some reason, Chantal let herself buy these excuses, even though they hardly fit most situations.

  For instance, there was the time she wanted to go to the beach and swim and he wanted to see the stock car races. He pinned her up against the car and went on and on about how if they went to the beach, men might stare at her and he wouldn’t be able to stand it: he’d want to kill them, so they’d be safer at the races.

  Three weeks later, when the mid-August humidity made life not worth living, Tariq wanted to go to the beach. Apparently the danger from roving bands of salacious men had somehow diminished.

  Occasionally Tariq would leave a bruise, but Chantal told herself that once they were married, he’d feel more secure. In thinking this way, she had already begun the slow decline caused by his intimidation. She was avoiding her own thoughts that would expose his poor logic for what it actually was: an extraordinary need to control her.