Letters to Nowhere

by Julie Cross

  I was already smiling before my feet hit the ground. Bentley patted the top of my head. “Nice job, Karen! Very nice.”

  I caught Jordan’s eye and mouthed “Thank you” to him. He gave me one of his famous half smiles. A girl from the level 5 team was currently holding on to Jordan’s hands, walking up his legs while he flipped her over.

  Bentley gave me a nudge from behind. “Beam. Now.”

  “I’m going, I’m going,” I said, still grinning.

  Coach Bentley,

  I am doing a layout Jaeger in Chicago, I don’t care what you say!

  —Karen

  P.S. thanks for letting me have one more chance

  ***

  I wasn’t sure why it bugged me to all ends to see Stevie dressed in a short skirt and a cute top with her small–but–bigger–than–mine boobs accented by the V–neck while Jordan walked her and Blair around Tony’s house introducing her to everyone.

  Several girls recognized Stevie from the televised Olympic trials where they had told her injury story over and over again. That didn’t bug me as much, but having Jordan by her side…I just couldn’t help wondering whether he liked her…really liked her. And the elation I had felt during practice began to fade.

  This time, I chose the purple Kool–Aid and some kind of alcohol mix and went through two cups before I started feeling it and tossed my third cup. Jordan was on his third beer, I noticed, not that I was spending all my time watching him or anything. Not that I had an excuse to watch him and count his drinks. Stevie had driven all of us here and she wasn’t drinking, so there wasn’t really anything to worry about.

  I kept to myself for a long time until Tony found me and pulled me into the office, away from everyone else. He shut the door halfway and turned on a lamp near the desk. The loud music and voices faded, leaving the hum of near silence flooding my ears.

  “All right, Campbell,” he said, looking somewhat grim compared to his usual lighthearted attitude. “You asked for it and I delivered.”

  I stared at him in disbelief. “Really?”

  He snatched a plain piece of paper from the printer and grabbed a pen, nodding for me to come closer. “You know the exit right before the stadium?” I shook my head and leaned closer to look at his drawing. “There’s a gas station with a big sign that’s had the letter missing for like a year.”

  “Yeah,” I said slowly. “I do know that area.”

  He glanced at me, probably checking my face for panic or a major breakdown, but I was a hundred percent in technical mode. “Okay, so about three miles before that exit, there’s a curve in the road and it’s pretty sharp…”

  I watched as he drew lines and wrote down the mile marker from memory. Then he handed me the paper. I folded it carefully and tucked it into my pocket. “Thanks, seriously. I didn’t even think you’d be able to get this information.”

  “There you are.”

  Tony and I both jumped, looking really guilty and up to something as we turned to face Jordan, who was now standing at the door to the office.

  “You’re welcome,” Tony said to me, then he flashed Jordan a grin before scurrying out of the room.

  Jordan blocked the door, his eyes on me, waiting for an explanation. “What?” I said, all innocent.

  He shook his head. “Nothing. Just wondering where you went. A couple of guys in my class made this cool light show thing for the science fair. We’re about to watch it.”

  “You and Stevie?” I said, then I closed my eyes wishing I’d had an ounce of my usual self–control.

  “Karen—” he started.

  “Come on.” I turned my back to him, heading out the door. “Let’s go watch the light show science experiment thing.”

  He dropped the subject of Stevie and followed behind me. I felt Jordan’s arm brush against mine as we walked down the steps to the basement where Tony had the alpha and omega of home theaters. The room was crowded with students and cups and booming voices, but Jordan managed to capture my attention. Standing close behind me, he whispered, “Are you worried about me and Stevie?”

  I shrugged and kept my eyes on my two teammates standing across the room, talking to a few of the girls I’d met at the last party. Blair was chugging Kool–Aid mix like someone dying of thirst. “Why would I would be worried? I like Stevie. She’s my teammate.”

  Suddenly all the lights went out, leaving the room pitch–black. A few screams erupted, followed by laughter and someone shouting that it was supposed to get dark. The laser designs appeared on the ceiling, causing everyone to look up. Pink, blue, and green neon shapes streaked across the ceiling. I could see them clearly, but it was still so dark in the room that I couldn’t even see my hand in front of my face. Which is why I jumped and let out a yelp when someone’s arm snaked around my waist from behind.

  “Shh,” Jordan said, speaking right into my ear. “It’s just me.”

  I sucked in a breath, feeling my heart fly, goose bumps popping up on my neck where his breath had hit my skin. The first thought in my head was please don’t walk across the room and do this to Stevie.

  He gently tugged me closer until my back pressed against his chest. One of his hands rested on my stomach, and the other fumbled around in the dark for a minute before drifting down my arm. He laced his fingers through mine and slowly lifted our hands until I felt my knuckles touch his lips.

  If my heart was racing before, it was sprinting now. This totally broke our friend code and I didn’t feel an ounce of desire to point that out. I just wanted to sink further into him and for the lights to never come back on.

  The light show blurred above me, electronic classical music filled the dark as I leaned against Jordan, my head falling back onto his shoulder. His nose grazed my neck and I suddenly felt hot all over—in a good way. Like heat enveloped me from all sides.

  “Jordan…?” I whispered into the dark.

  “Shh,” he said again. “I know the rules. No kissing.”

  I wasn’t going to say that. Not even close. We needed to abolish that rule this very moment. I turned my head slightly toward him and ran into his mouth before I even had a chance to decide to kiss him. I lifted my hand and gripped the back of his neck, drawing him even closer. Our mouths almost couldn’t match up, the way we were angled, but I felt his fingers brush my cheek and eventually hold me in place. His lips were as soft as I remembered from the first time, and when they parted a little, I almost debated trying the whole tongue thing, but then he closed them again and pulled away.

  I turned my head forward again, and both his arms went around my waist while he planted little kisses up and down the side of my neck.

  “Karen,” he breathed.

  “Yeah.”

  “In case you’re wondering…I’m not into Stevie.”

  I forced down a very un–cool sigh of relief and then I slid his hand up to my heart, pressing it close over top of my shirt. “It wasn’t even going this fast during bars today,” I whispered, glad he couldn’t see me blushing right now.

  He wrapped his arms even tighter around me so I could feel the thud, thud, of his heart against my back. “Mine’s faster.”

  Jordan,

  You are the most perfect boy in the world, if such a thing exists. Please don’t ever stand behind anyone else in the dark again. Just me.

  Love,

  Karen

  When did this happen? When did my feelings for Jordan become so massive they allowed everything else to take a backseat?

  Jordan must have sensed the show coming to a close, because he gave me one last squeeze around the middle before letting go. He didn’t drop both his arms, though. He stayed close behind me, with the fingertips of one of his hands still resting just above my belly button. When the lights came on, Stevie and Blair spotted us, and I could see them taking it all in.

  He wasn’t kidding. He’s not into Stevie…he’s really not, and he wants her to know.

  “Let’s go outside,” Jordan said to me before taking my
hand and leading me upstairs. We both grabbed our jackets, and he pulled his stocking cap over my head again like the last time we were here, smiling at me while he neatly folded up the bottom.

  The wind was bitter and unforgiving, but we huddled on the back patio anyway, Jordan’s front brushing against my back, like we’d been in the basement only moments ago, except we weren’t touching anymore. For a good sixty seconds, a horrible cloud of tension sat right between us, and I could barely breathe until Jordan turned me around again, pointing up to the sky. “Look, it’s the forty–thousandth star. Make a wish.”

  I laughed and leaned back against him, tugging his arms around me again. “I like this a lot.”

  “Me, too. But I’ll stop if you want me to. I’m just…I’m really happy for you. Getting your car and the bar routine, I’m kind of in awe of you, actually.”

  “Like the worshipping kind of awe?” I teased. “Do I get a shrine?”

  He laughed, putting more of his breath against my neck. “How about I write a song for you. It’ll be sappy and include the word ‘really’ at least twelve times.”

  “Can you sing?”

  “A little. I play guitar better than I sing, though.”

  I guess there was even more I hadn’t learned about Jordan Bentley. “I think you should write a song and call it ‘Don’t Kiss Me,’ because something about saying no kissing seems to make it so hard—”

  My words were cut off by Jordan turning my chin and crushing his mouth against mine in a way that was much less careful and hesitant than before. The desire to be even closer to him was so strong, I turned around in his arms and pressed the front of my body against his. His mouth opened a little like earlier and I felt myself stiffen, then Jordan pulled back, resting his forehead against mine.

  “Too much?” he asked.

  I touched his face with both my hands, my fingers gliding along his skin, tracing over his jaw. Had I really been on a balance beam only hours ago? Had this day really started with a morning workout and a drive to my house to get my car? It didn’t seem possible to have so many big moments in such a short amount of time.

  “The whole tongue thing is a little weird to me,” I admitted.

  “It is weird,” he said thoughtfully, then a malicious grin spread across his face and he dove forward and licked my cheek.

  “Ew!” I wiped off my face with the back of my hand, laughing too hard to yell at him. “Nasty.”

  His eyes danced with amusement. “I’m just breaking you of your germophobia.” He used his coat sleeve to wipe my cheek off a second time, then leaned in and gave me another kiss on the mouth. “Seriously though, sometimes my body gets ahead of my brain and you just have to stop me, okay?”

  I felt like I was floating on a cloud of gorgeous blond boy with his super sweet perfect words.

  “Jordan? Karen?” Stevie’s voice came from the back door area.

  We broke apart quickly, but Jordan held on to one of my hands.

  “I think Blair went a little crazy with the Kool–Aid mix,” Stevie said.

  “Uh oh.” I immediately dropped Jordan’s hand and pushed past Stevie, heading back into the house. “Where is she?”

  Stevie pointed to a door nearby. “Bathroom.”

  I knocked on it once before opening it halfway. Blair sat on the floor, head hanging over the toilet, puking up purple liquid.

  Jordan leaned over my shoulder, to get a closer look. “Oh, this is not good.”

  I slid into the bathroom along with Jordan and Stevie, then I swept Blair’s long black hair off her neck, holding it up for her. “Get a wet towel for her head,” I ordered to whichever one of them would respond. Jordan started sifting through the cabinet under the sink and Stevie dove into the linen closet, coming up with a pink washcloth.

  Once Blair stopped heaving, I reached out and flushed the toilet. She collapsed onto the floor, clutching her stomach and groaning. I sat beside her and Stevie pressed the washcloth to her forehead.

  Jordan leaned over her, assessing the situation. “Damn, I should have never let her out of my sight. My dad is going to murder me. How much did she drink?”

  “Apparently too much,” Stevie said.

  Jordan rolled his eyes. “Let’s just get her out of here. She can sleep it off at your place.”

  Stevie and I helped Blair sit up, then Jordan bent over and scooped her off the floor, easily carrying her out the door and into the car. Before going outside, I grabbed Blair’s purse and coat. In the car, I managed to get a seat belt around her, but her head flopped over into my lap. I let her stay like that while Jordan climbed into the front seat and Stevie into the driver’s seat.

  When we got to Stevie’s apartment, Jordan picked Blair up again. Her head flopped around, but she opened her eyes for a minute and smiled lazily up at him.

  “I didn’t puke on you, did I?”

  Jordan laughed. “No, you didn’t.”

  “Good.” She closed her eyes and passed out again.

  “Put her on the couch,” Stevie directed once we were inside.

  Jordan laid her down and found a blanket to toss over her. Stevie retrieved a bucket just in case Blair barfed again and I got a glass of water and Advil ready on the coffee table for when she woke up.

  “Do you think Coach Bentley’s going to notice?” I asked Stevie, referring to our Saturday morning practice tomorrow.

  “It’s only ten thirty now,” Stevie said with a sigh. “Kinda pathetic, huh? We didn’t even make it until eleven.”

  Jordan laughed. “Yeah, totally pathetic. You guys are such wimps, you never do anything risky.”

  “Practice isn’t until ten tomorrow,” I said. “Hopefully that will be enough time for her to recover.”

  Stevie clapped her hands together and headed toward the kitchen. “I’m gonna make something to eat, anyone else hungry?”

  Jordan stood there scratching the back of his head. “Maybe I’ll call one of my friends and get a ride home.”

  “I thought you were staying here tonight,” Stevie said.

  He is? That was news to me.

  Jordan looked extremely uncomfortable all of a sudden. “Maybe that’s not such a good idea.”

  Stevie spun around, hands on hips, competition face on. “Oh come on, it’s not like it’s any different from every other night for you two. Besides, I had only hoped a tiny bit that you’d hook up with me and not Karen tonight, but it was more of an afterthought than a real goal.”

  My jaw literally fell open. Did she actually just say that she had planned to hook up with Jordan?

  Jordan looked just as shocked, but he managed to speak before I did. “Well…I hadn’t really planned on hooking up with anyone, to be honest…”

  I covered my face with my hands. I couldn’t help it. “Oh my God, this is awkward.”

  Stevie burst out laughing. “Clearly I didn’t explain myself well enough. I just meant that I’m ready to do the whole being a real teenager thing while I’ve still got a few months of it left, and Jordan was right in front of me, so naturally, I’d go there first, but I don’t have feelings for him, so if you do, Karen, I’m okay with that. I promise. My main concern right now is not getting in trouble with Coach Bentley by sending you home after drinking or having one of your wasted friends come and pick you up.”

  Jordan tugged on my shirtsleeve, drawing me closer before leaning in to stage–whisper, “I thought she was shy.”

  I laughed despite the tension. “I wouldn’t ever call her shy.”

  Stevie’s whole face relaxed. “You guys are adorable. I just don’t want to be within a mile range when Bentley finds out about this little romance.”

  Jordan threw me a weary look. “He can’t find out.”

  “I won’t say anything,” Stevie promised. “But seriously, do not tell Ellen. She’s a total blabbermouth. And is anyone else hungry?”

  “Sure, I am,” Jordan said.

  “Me, too.”

  “I’ve got chips and salsa
and low–fat frozen yogurt. Why don’t you guys pick a movie? Or something on TV.”

  We both plopped down on the loveseat and Jordan found the remote and started searching through the channels.

  “God, that was weird,” he said under his breath. “Are you okay?”

  I laughed. “I’m fine. I’m used to these two, you’re not.”

  He slid an arm around me and touched his forehead to my temple. “We can’t tell my dad. I wasn’t kidding about that.”

  “Maybe I won’t like you anymore tomorrow. That would make everything easier, wouldn’t it?”

  “True,” he said. “I think I was drunk earlier. I’ve come to my senses since then.”

  I smiled at him and then we scooted apart before Stevie came back.

  A little while later, after providing Jordan with a new toothbrush and a clean t–shirt, Stevie tossed a couple sleeping bags onto the floor and shook her head at Jordan and me. “Just don’t get anybody pregnant,” she warned.

  Jordan snorted back a laugh. “I’ll try not to get myself pregnant, Stevie. Thanks for the lecture.”

  Stevie pointed a stern finger at him. “Don’t piss me off, pretty boy. Karen has enough on the line to not have to worry about shit like that. I know what goes through your head. I’m not an idiot.”

  I buried my face in the pillow on the floor. “Please be done talking.”

  Stevie finally went into her bedroom and Jordan stretched out on the sleeping bag beside me. “It’s not really weird, is it?” he asked. “I’ve seen your pajamas and your wet hair and even your retainer—”