Cwtch Me If You Can

by Beth Reekles

  I find somewhere to put my empty glass down, and search instead for a bathroom. There’s one on the ground floor, but there’s a long queue of people. The longer I wait, the more I realise how desperate I am.

  There has to be a bathroom upstairs.

  I totally understand that whoever is renting this house might not want people going upstairs, but I have a feeling they won’t really mind. It’s not like I’m looking for a bedroom to snog a guy in privacy, and I won’t throw up and make a mess.

  So I pick my way between all the people on the stairs. None of them stop me and tell me I shouldn’t go up, so I guess I must be getting away with it. Which is good, because I am busting.

  I find a bathroom on the top floor – the door is open, so I go right in and lock it behind me. Once I’m done, I open the door back up, and find someone standing on the other side.

  I catch the surprised expression on the guy’s face, and guess he must live here. I look away quickly, embarrassed. I feel like I’ve been caught by a parent or something. Like he’s about to tell me off for coming upstairs.

  I’m about to apologise, when he says, ‘Alex?’

  I look up, startled. And say, ‘You have got to be kidding me.’

  I don’t mean to say it out loud, but it’s too late to take it back. Sean’s eyebrows shoot up.

  Of course it’s him. Of course.

  I should’ve been expecting this. I mean, I always bump into him at the most awkward times, so why not now?

  All I can think to say then is, ‘I’m sorry for using the upstairs bathroom.’

  Sean just laughs.

  I blush, beyond embarrassed. ‘It’s okay,’ he says. ‘You don’t look like you were causing trouble.’

  ‘Oh, no more than usual.’ I grin, and then remember that this is a bad idea and that I shouldn’t be flirting with him. But hard as I try, I can’t wipe the smile off my face.

  He leans sideways against the doorframe, giving me space to walk out of the bathroom. I could go downstairs, but I don’t. My feet won’t carry me there. Instead, I stop opposite him, under the doorframe. I have to crane my neck to meet his eyes.

  As I drag my eyes up to his, I take in what he’s wearing. Worn joggers that are falling apart at the hems, bare feet, and a hoodie with a school badge on that says ‘Leavers 2010’. His hair is messy and he’s wearing his glasses. He’s not dressed for a party.

  He’s not at the party, I realise.

  He lives here. This is his house. His housemates are throwing this party.

  That’s why Simon looked so familiar! He’s come into Starbucks before with Sean!

  If I had recognised him earlier maybe I wouldn’t be so tongue-tied right now in front of Sean.

  God. Just as I thought it couldn’t get worse.

  I try to remind myself that this is a very, very bad idea. After I made it clear to Sean that I wasn’t after a relationship and rejected him, he won’t be interested in me. If he were, he’d have invited me, right?

  ‘What’re you doing here?’ he asks, when I don’t go anywhere.

  ‘My friend Cathy, she – your friend Simon invited her, and she brought me along. Only I kind of lost her, because she was talking to Simon, and I was being a third-wheel, so I left. And there was a queue for the bathroom downstairs, so…’

  I’m babbling. I shut up before I say anything that will make me even more mortified.

  Sean smiles. ‘I didn’t realise the girl Simon was talking about was your friend Cathy.’

  What’s that supposed to mean? That maybe if he’d known, he’d have invited me as well, if only to be polite?

  I chew on my bottom lip, because I don’t know what to say.

  Sean rubs the back of his neck, and says, ‘If I’d known you were coming, I’d probably have gone downstairs. Once they decided to throw a party, there was no stopping them. But I wasn’t really in the mood.’

  ‘Why not?’

  He shrugs, just the one shoulder. ‘I wanted to finish writing up notes. Revision. You know.’

  ‘Yeah.’ I wonder if he’s saying that to get rid of me, not just to answer my question. ‘Well, I guess, um, maybe I should leave you to it. Revision, I mean.’

  I make my way to the top of the stairs, wondering if I should try to find Cathy again or just go home, when Sean calls my name.

  ‘I’m not trying to be rude, but do you actually know anyone here?’

  ‘What, aside from you, Cathy, and your mate Simon?’ I smile, but it feels stiff, so I stop. ‘Not really.’

  ‘It’s just,’ he says, ‘I finished the notes I was working on and I was going to relax for a bit with a movie. The new Thor. It’s not like I can get any sleep with this lot.’ He makes a wide gesture, obviously talking about the party going on downstairs. ‘You could watch it with me, if you want?’

  Before I can even think about whether it’s a good idea, I say, ‘I love Thor.’

  Chapter Nine

  What am I doing?

  I’m crazy. I’ve totally lost it. That’s the only explanation.

  Sean is clearing papers off his bed, sorting them into an open ring-binder file. His bed is against the wall, facing his desk where he’s got a TV and an Xbox.

  I’m going to have to sit on his bed.

  I’m about to sit on Sean’s bed.

  It might be just to watch a movie, and totally innocent, but it doesn’t matter. It’s still weird. Intimate. And it’s not like we’re even really friends, so what does that make us? Are we friends now, and just hanging out? Or is this something… more?

  God, I wish I knew. Sean moves the file to his desk, and loads a DVD into his Xbox. And the longer I stand in his room, with the door shut behind me, the more I start to think this is a terrible idea. If I stay here, sitting on his bed, next to him, I’m going to kiss him.

  Hell, he’s a good-looking guy. I’m only human.

  I can’t do this.

  I can’t get my heart broken again.

  Sean must see something in my face that gives me away. ‘Is everything okay, Alex?’

  Much as I want to say yes, I shake my head. ‘I’m sorry. I – I should go. I really can’t do this. I’m sorry.’

  ‘What? What’s wrong? Did – did I do something?’

  ‘No! No, it’s not…’It’s not you, it’s me. I can’t say that. ‘I’m sorry if I’ve been leading you on, Sean, I really am, but this is… It’s too much.’

  He edges closer, by just a step. I bite my lip again. I have the opportunity to hang out (and probably snog) the perfect guy, and I’m backing out. I am definitely crazy.

  And maybe just a little bit sensible.

  ‘Alex, hey,’ he says softly, ‘talk to me. You know you can talk to me.’

  ‘That’s the thing – I don’t know. I hardly know you, Sean. You helped me out of a tight spot and then we bumped into each other a few times. And we might’ve talked a lot at McDonalds, but it’s…’

  I trail off, feeling stupid and pathetic.

  I keep thinking of all the lists I made – about why I should stop dating, and why dating Sean would be a bad idea, but now all the points on those lists blur together in my mind until I can’t remember what they said.

  Sean’s eyebrows knit together behind his glasses. ‘Alex. Come on.’

  The look he gives me is one that says, Tell me the truth, and stop bullshitting around.

  So I do.

  ‘I’m jinxed,’ I blurt.

  ‘Jinxed? What, like, bad luck?’ I can see him fighting back a smirk, but try not to let it annoy me.

  ‘My love life, I mean. Every guy I’ve ever been out with has broken my heart and you can’t tell me that this won’t go the same way. I mean, have you met you? You’re perfect. You were my knight in shining armour right from the start.’

  He blushes, ducking his head to look at his feet. But he’s smiling.

  ‘And let’s face it, Sean, any relationship we have is over before it starts. It’s not like either of us has the t
ime, and then you’ll move back to Swansea. And then you’ll be getting on with your teaching stuff and move somewhere else for a job, and…’ I sigh. ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t be just friends with you.’

  Time seems to slow to almost a total stop. Sean drags his gaze up to meet mine sooooo slowly, and it feels like he sets all my nerves on fire. I’m burning up from the inside just from that one look.

  Sean straightens up, and leans closer. It’s only a slight movement, but makes him tower over me. I forget how to breathe. I hope he doesn’t kiss me. I feel so alive, so electric, that I’m sure I’ll shatter into a million pieces if he kisses me. I won’t be able to handle more than this.

  I’ve been in love plenty of times before, but not one of those guys could make me feel like this with just a look.

  The gold flecks in Sean’s eyes seem brighter, more noticeable, and they make it look like his eyes are full of flames. I’m tempted to let my gaze drop down his body and take in every inch of him, but my eyes are glued to his.

  I have never wanted a guy to both kiss me and not kiss me more in my entire life.

  Then, after a painfully long silence, he says in a whisper, ‘You know, I’m coming back here to do my PGCE.’

  And what will that give me, I wonder, a year, two years? It wouldn’t be enough.

  I don’t give my heart over lightly. With me, it’s all or nothing, and always has been. And with Sean… He’ll break my heart worse than anyone else.

  I don’t realise I’ve said all that aloud until he steps closer, and says, ‘Maybe. But isn’t it better than regretting that you didn’t?’

  My mouth falls open, but no words come out. I hesitate.

  I shouldn’t have come to this party. I should’ve stayed home. Far away from Sean.

  But everywhere I go, I run into him. In work, on nights out, here… I can’t get away from him. It’s like – like the universe is throwing us together all the time, and no matter how many times I try to run away, I’ll still be running towards him.

  Almost like there is such a thing as fate.

  The romantic in me is back, and she’s here to stay, I realise.

  So now, the way I see it, I have two choices – keep running, or stand still.

  His hand on my face startles me, and I blink, focusing back on Sean. His thumb skims over my cheekbone. His skin is cool, but his touch sets my whole body on fire again. And I’m leaning into him, head tilting up, almost automatically.

  I can see hope flickering in his eyes, but there’s tension in the rest of his face, like he can’t let himself hope too much. Because he thinks I’ll reject him again. He’s sure I will.

  But he has to ask me.

  ‘So?’ he breathes. ‘What’s it gonna be?’

  I’m standing still. I’m not running any more.

  In answer, I kiss him.

  This kiss isn’t on the cheek. Sean is still for a moment. Shocked, I guess. But just as I start to pull away, his arm wraps around me and the hand he’s got on my cheek slips around to the back of my head, knotting into my hair. And he’s kissing me back in a way that makes me think I’ve never really been kissed before.

  It’s intense and desperate and so, so gentle, all at once. I don’t melt in his arms, though – I push back into him with everything I’ve got, hoping that time doesn’t start moving again. This is something I never want to end.

  But it does – my clutch bag starts vibrating at my feet. When did I drop my bag? And when did Sean press me up against the door?

  We pull apart and I bend down to get my phone. Sean steps back, giving me space, and I look up at him with a guilty smile. ‘I’m sorry, it’s Cathy… I should get this.’

  I answer, but before I can get out a hello, she shrieks, ‘Where the hell are you? Did you go home? Are you at home? I’ve been looking all over for you and I can’t find you! Where are you?’

  She’s so loud that I have to pull the phone away from my ear. That’s when I see the three texts she’s sent me that I’ve missed. All in the last ten minutes, all asking where I am.

  ‘Calm down,’ I say. ‘I’m still here.’

  ‘Well where the hell are you?’

  ‘I’m with Sean.’

  There’s a long pause.

  ‘Alexandra Singh, I am only going to ask you one question, and I want an honest answer. Are you naked right now?’

  ‘No!’ I sound really shrill, and I blush. ‘God, Cathy.’

  ‘Sorry, just checking. So what are you doing, just hanging out with him?’

  ‘Sort of.’

  ‘Please tell me I haven’t interrupted something,’ she groans.

  ‘No, Cathy! Jeez. We’re just…’

  ‘If that sentence isn’t PG, don’t finish it.’

  ‘Kissing,’ I mumble.

  There’s another long pause.

  Then a scream – a scream I’m pretty sure I can hear from within the house and not just from the phone. ‘What does this mean? Are you two together?’

  She reels off more questions, and I say over the top of them, ‘Cathy. Cathy. Cathy,’ until she stops.

  ‘I’m upstairs with Sean and we’re gonna watch a movie. When you’re ready to leave, give me another call, and we’ll head home. Okay? And I’ll talk to you then.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Okay.’

  I hang up, and turn my mobile off silent, so that when she rings again later, I’ll hear it. Sean’s sitting on his bed now – on the edge, his hands beside his thighs – and raises his eyebrows.

  ‘She was wondering where I was.’

  ‘Ah.’

  He probably heard the whole conversation because, let’s face it, Cathy’s a loud drunk, even on the phone. But I’m too nervous to ask, in case he didn’t hear. I’d rather pretend he didn’t know.

  Because that’d be pretty embarrassing.

  Instead, I sit on the bed next to Sean, and say, ‘So, are we watching this movie, or not?’

  A couple of hours later, when the credits are rolling and I’m combing through my tousled hair with my fingers before I go to meet Cathy downstairs, I realise just how much I don’t want to leave Sean. I could stay here and cwtch up with him forever.

  My intense work ethic for college is so going out the window with him around.

  ‘Um, so, you… do you still have my number? From when I gave it to you in Starbucks? Wait, no, what am I saying, of course you don’t. You probably threw it away. Shall I – shall I give you my number?’

  ‘I have it,’ I say quietly, with a smile. I love how nervous he gets, like he’s terrified of saying the wrong thing and making me change my mind about him. On anyone else it’d be annoying – but on him, it’s endearing.

  ‘You do?’

  Should I be offended at how shocked he is? Do I come across as such a cold bitch?

  ‘I do.’

  ‘Oh. Right. Well.’

  ‘I thought about texting you. Lots of times. But – I was too scared.’

  ‘Scared I’d break your heart?’

  ‘Well, yeah.’ I blush. When he says it that way, it makes me sound like a stupid little girl who thinks real life is all some fairy tale.

  Sean’s fingertips graze over my hot, pink cheeks, and I glance up through my eyelashes to see him smiling at me. It’s a beautiful smile. His eyes are lit up and his eyes crinkle at the corners, and it makes me feel good inside. Like I should be smiling, too.

  ‘Call me tomorrow, then,’ he says. ‘Or, you know, whenever. The day after, if you’re too busy. But – text me, when you get home? So I know you’re back safe.’

  I kiss him again. I could spend a lifetime kissing Sean. ‘I will.’

  When I get to the bedroom door, I realise that Sean’s hanging back. I look over my shoulder at him. He’s looking at his feet, at his wiggling toes, and his hands are locked on top of his head.

  ‘Alex?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘You’re not going to change your mind, are you?’

  At this
point, I realise that Sean likes me a lot. A lot more than I thought he did.

  ‘Definitely not. Remember – it’s all or nothing with me.’

  He smiles. ‘I’d be happy with just a little bit of you, as long as it was more than nothing.’

  It’s hardly a great vote for romance, but the way it makes me feel so warm and fuzzy, he might as well have said he loves me.

  Epilogue

  ‘Congratulations!’

  I turn around to see Sean beaming at me, and he wraps me in a hug that lifts me off my feet. I laugh, giddy with excitement, and lean my face down to kiss him.

  It’s graduation day for me. The sun is shining, which makes a nice change from all the recent drizzle. And Sean is here. It’s a perfect day.

  Sean sets me back on my feet, stroking my hair back over my shoulder, where the wind has blown it out of place. I grin up at him, hardly believing that I’ve made it here – not just to university, but to graduation, leaving with a two-one degree in psychology.

  He kisses me again, and I shiver all the way down my spine. I will never get used to kissing him. I’m still not used to it after all these years. There are butterflies in my stomach that have nothing to do with graduating and everything to do with my boyfriend.

  My boyfriend.

  I’ll never get used to calling Sean my boyfriend, either.

  I cup his face in my hands now. His cheeks are rough with stubble, and pink from the wind. Even though it’s sunny, it’s not particularly warm.

  Sean’s teaching French in a comprehensive school not too far away. And I’ve got a job in the Human Resources department at the local offices of a car insurance firm. I start next month. I’ll only be covering maternity leave, but they’ve said they’re hoping to expand the department, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

  Everything is working out for us.

  The romantic in me is certain that the entire universe has been rooting for the two of us right from the start.

  ‘What are you thinking about?’ Sean asks me, noticing the faraway look in my eyes.

  ‘That I’m glad you were my waiter at Bella Italia that night, when I got dumped. It must’ve been fate.’

  Sean chuckles. I feel it through his chest, where my hands are braced against him now. He’s used to me saying things like this, talking about us like we’re from a Nicholas Sparks novel or something.