How to Leash a Thief

by Cat Clayton

  I smiled. “That’s why I love you. I can’t speak for the rest of the town, though.”

  He gasped, his hand flying to his mouth. “Ohmigod! Were we that loud?”

  “Well, don’t stop on my behalf!”

  I moseyed back to my office to finish up some paperwork, and Daniel returned their singing partner back to his rightful owner. Then he and I discussed the grieving widower, and I informed him what I’d learned earlier in front of the bakery. We added the latest details to our list on the chalkboard. Daniel wanted to scratch Mr. Schirmack from the list, but I convinced him otherwise.

  That afternoon, we’d gotten three additional cancellations for the following day. Things were going south for Scrubadub and fast. Please don’t let the shop suffer for my mistakes.

  As I flipped over the Closed sign, Sadie Westerfeld and Trudy Baranowsky barged in the front door of the shop. They had matching eyelash extensions; thick-layered make-up, big, Bump-it hair, flashy clothing, and both were smacking their bubblegum. The only difference between them was their choice of lipstick. One a gaudy scarlet, the other flamingo pink.

  “There are some rumors flying around town about you, Steely,” they said in a breathless unison.

  “I bet there are,” I said.

  “No, I mean reeeaaally bad rumors,” Trudy said, batting her thick eyelashes.

  Sadie nodded her big bumped hair in agreement. “It’s the God’s honest truth!”

  Sadie and Trudy were both hair stylists at Trudy’s salon, The Best Little Hair House in Texas, aka gossip central. I’d bet on my life; Mrs. Peacock walked in there yesterday and told them everything she’d overheard in here.

  “Y’all wouldn’t know the truth if it came up and bit y’all in the butt, however, if you’re interested in the facts, I didn’t kill Flora,” I said, without skipping a beat.

  They gasped.

  A+ on the shock factor, Chiquita. Cuff stretched out on the floor. He began to snore within a few seconds.

  He popped one eye open. I don’t snore.

  I flipped on the coffeemaker I’d prepped earlier in the room's corner. In a matter of minutes, the aroma of snickerdoodle cookies filled the room.

  “Oh, don’t pretend to be so shocked.” I gave them the old one-eyebrow smirk. “You both know I got caught upstairs at the murder scene. And me getting shot at was soooo yesterday’s news. The entire freaking town knows I found Schirmack’s body here because it made the paper, and I’m a suspect which is ludicrous. Everyone knows I didn’t kill her.”

  Sadie slapped a hand over her mouth.

  “So cold,” Trudy said. “I do declare, Steely. You don’t have to be so snippy.”

  I do declare? What’re we casting for the Texas version of Steel Magnolias? I thought. “No one’s being cold or snippy, Trudy. Only stating the facts.”

  “We’ve got a concealer that’s to die for, Steely. It’d really help with that bruise over your eye,” Sadie said.

  I gently rubbed the spot above my eyebrow. I had no retort. It looked awful.

  Daniel strutted in from the back, looking stunning, I might add. His sable brown locks flowed to perfection, resting a quarter inch above his shoulders. Trudy had refused to hire Daniel when he’d returned to Buckleville. So, whenever she was around, Daniel did his best to show her what she’d missed out on.

  “Welcome, ladies! Nice to see y’all,” Daniel said, batting his long, dark eyelashes. I was sure he’d dug through my handbag and borrowed my mascara.

  With a smile plastered on her fake-baked face, Trudy studied Daniel, head to toe. “Oh, Daniel, you must share your conditioning secrets with us!”

  Daniel wagged his finger. “A good stylist never gives away his secrets. Sorry, darlin’. Coffee anyone?”

  Would it be rude to toss him a high-five?

  I think so. Cuff’s message came in loud and clear.

  Fine, I thought back to him.

  Both women turned down the coffee as the other COW members strolled in. Mr. Peters, Kit Fisher from the bank, Bill Evans and Donny Thomas—who snubbed me earlier—and my Pop. Good ole’ Pop. Only missing member was Mrs. Schirmack.

  “Welcome, everyone. There’s coffee for those of you who want it. Let’s get started.” I motioned for them to take their seats in the waiting room. “So, first on the list—”

  Cleo Peters cleared his throat loudly. “Aren’t you gonna say anything about Flora?” His eyebrows knitted together as he glared at me. “I didn’t care for the woman, but she was part of this community.”

  Gah, if looks could kill. But he was right. Flora Schirmack was a dedicated member of COW. I guess I owed it to her and the group to say something. What did one say at a time like this?

  “I, um...”

  Cuff stood up, getting my attention by whining. Yes, it would be appropriate to honor her. Repeat after me. He parked himself on his haunches and closed his eyes.

  Oh, dear Lord. This should be good.

  Our death should NOT be a sad, mournful journey to our grave...

  I closed my eyes, cleared my throat, and recited Cuff’s thoughts.

  ... but rather a sideways skid, Hostess Cupcake in one hand, a martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and squealing, WOO HOO what a ride!

  I repeated his words verbatim. Wait... a sideways skid? What a ride? Oh boy. I kept my eyes shut, hoping I’d get sucked into oblivion.

  You could’ve heard a flea fart in the room.

  Well, it was better than what you had in mind, which was nothing.

  He had a point there. I didn’t have a clue what I would’ve said.

  Then, by some miracle, someone began to clap. I peeked to find everyone’s shocked faces gaping at me. Pop looked like he had awful indigestion. Daniel grinned, clapping.

  “Well said, Steely. Thank you for those...” Daniel coughed, “colorful and insightful words. Give her a hand, folks.”

  Pop raised an eyebrow and put his hands together. With great hesitation, the others followed his lead.

  Cuff lay back down. Now that I think about it, maybe we should have left out the martini part.

  Ya think? I winked at him.

  Are you making fun of the way I speak?

  As I was about to sit down and get the Citizens on the Watch meeting started, Chief Becker barged straight through the front door like he owned the place. A Hulk of a man. Even the energy swirling around him was a force.

  “Evening, folks,” Chief Becker said, removing his straw Stetson. “Sorry for the interruption, but I’ve got some bad news.” He gave me a sideways glance.

  He nodded at my Pop. “Randall.”

  “Paul,” Pop said, crossing his arms. “What seems to be the trouble?”

  Chief Becker took notice of those in the room and frowned. He shoved his hands into his pockets. “I’m asking you all to pack up and go home. The mayor and I met this afternoon and decided it was best if the COW took a break for the time being.”

  Un-freaking-believable. If Chief Becker thought he could waltz in my shop and start throwing his weight around, and we were all going to toss up our hands and surrender, he had another thing coming.

  Chapter 10

  Mustering up all my courage, I stood on my tippy-toes and braced myself.

  “That’s absurd!” I said.

  Widening his stance, Chief Becker withdrew his hands from his pockets and popped his knuckles. His cheeks turned a red plum shade, and I noticed the top lid of his left eye twitching. He huffed, and I half expected smoke to billow from his ears.

  “You cannot make us quit!” I said, stabbing my fists on my hips.

  Squeaky voice. Cuff stepped on my feet.

  I narrowed my eyes. Watch it, buddy.

  He seems kind of ticked off. You want to end up in the slammer?

  My Pop strode across the room until he came face to face with Chief Becker.

  “With all due respect, Chief, what my daughter meant to say is, on what grounds has the city of Bucklevi
lle made this decision?” Pop gave me a stern look, warning me to keep my pie hole closed.

  Not wanting to upset Pop any further, I bit my tongue.

  “It is to our understanding that Flora Schirmack may have been acting as a member of the COW on the night of her murder.”

  I slammed my hand on the counter. “The group did nothing wrong! And there is no proof she acted on the COW’s behalf. So, the group cannot be at fault for Flora’s murder, nor should y’all should punish us!”

  Gasps traveled around the room. Pop winced.

  Okay. So, it sounded harsh, but I would not stand by and let the city push us around. I strolled around the room, peering into the faces of my fellow COW members. “Hellooo, people! Are we going to let the city tell us what to do? Huh?”

  Every set of eyes shifted everywhere in the room but on me, well, except Pop’s. Like the rest of them, he didn’t approve of my behavior, but his loyalty to me trumped his good sense.

  “I think what my daughter is trying—”

  “With all due respect, Mr. Lamarr,” Kit Fisher from the bank said, holding up her palm to quiet my Pop. She turned to me. “Sorry, Steely. But I have to agree with the chief on this one. The situation is dangerous. We’re merely volunteers. Amateurs, really.”

  “Amateurs? We are a crime watch program. It’s our duty as citizens to act.”

  The bike-basket-garden owner, Donny cleared his throat, shuffling to the center of the room. “Act how? We are not a vigilante group. We’re merely supposed to keep an eye out and report suspicious activity to the police department.”

  “Buckleville has had two murders, one bank robbery, I’ve been shot at, and someone’s also stolen Samson’s dog, Virgil, and now, Ranger! Are we going to back down without a fight?”

  Yeah, you tell ‘em, Chiquita!

  “Yes, you’re right, our friend Flora is dead!” Donny spun around and aimed a crooked finger at me. “And ever since you took over, little girl, things went wonky.”

  “Now folks, let’s not get off track here. This is not an attack on Ms. Lamarr,” Chief Becker said.

  Could’ve fooled me, I thought. Donny had a crazy, accusing look in his eyes. I backed up a step.

  Cleo Peters sneered at me.

  “Yeah!” Bill Evans said in agreement.

  “My husband says, you’re a nosy busybody and nothing but trouble. He says if Nick Campbell stays together with you, he’ll soon regret it. I say COW should call it quits, too!” Sadie said, as she turned to Trudy. “Come on. Let’s go get a drink. The boys will still think we’re in a meetin’.”

  Both ladies with their fake eyelashes and big hairdos waltzed out the front door.

  Good grief. So, now my personal relationship was gossip, too.

  “I can’t believe the nerve of those two. Who do they think they are? Don’t listen to a word they said.” Daniel spoke up for the first time since Chief Becker strolled in and set this meeting ablaze.

  Cleo Peters picked up Patrice and grumbled under his breath as he made his way to the front door.

  “Wait, Mr. Peters! Why don’t you tell the chief about how you’d been arguing with Samson before his murder?” I asked.

  But he kept walking. He threw his hand in the air and stormed out the front door.

  Chief Becker didn’t even blink. He stood by as the COW members hurled insults at me, as if I deserved this public attack. Donny, Bill, and Kit took the others’ exits as a signal for them to leave, too.

  Everyone had left except Daniel, Pop, and me. That’s when Chief Becker dropped the real bomb. Because apparently his first one wasn’t effective in his opinion.

  “It took some convincing, but I finally got the mayor to back down. He was suggesting I add you to the suspect list,” the chief said.

  Daniel gave me an I-told-you-so look.

  “That’s crazy! You know I’m not responsible for any of this and so does the mayor!”

  “Steely Sue Lamarr.” Pop warned me with a stern glare.

  Cuff trotted over to Chief Becker and jumped up on his leg. He humped his ankle, showing him who’s the boss. Any other time, I would’ve scolded Cuff, but not this time.

  With an exaggerated sigh, Becker shook Cuff off his leg.

  Daniel giggled and scooped Cuff up in his arms. “Good boy,” Daniel whispered.

  Positioning himself between me and the chief, Pop said, “We both know Steely’s not involved with the murders or the robbery.”

  “Well, some folks are talking. According to a few of the COW members, it’s no secret Steely and Mrs. Schirmack didn’t always see eye to eye when it came to the watch group. The poor woman was murdered and Steely found her. Both murders occurred on her property. Am I supposed to think it’s a coincidence?”

  Pop raised an eyebrow. “Your department is spinning its wheels, Becker. Why on earth would Steely murder either of the two victims and stash their bodies here, inside her own shop? My daughter’s not an idiot.” Leave it to my Pop to tell it like it is. “But I can assure you, she will stay out of it from now on.”

  He shouldn’t make a promise I can’t keep, I thought.

  Chief Becker stood in a firm stance, his arms folded across his chest. “I’d appreciate that, Randall. Because if she doesn’t, I’ll be forced to take action.”

  I backed up more, away from Becker’s reach. Just in case I had to make a run for it. “What kind of—”

  Pop put a finger to his lips to silence me. He turned to Chief Becker. “Becker, you and I both know Steely may meddle.” Pop furrowed his eyebrows at me. “And she may stick her nose where it doesn’t belong.”

  “Hey!” I frowned.

  “But my daughter’s no killer. Now, unless you have some kind of tangible evidence incriminating her, I suggest you leave.” Pop pointed toward the front door. “Now.”

  Even after his retirement, my Pop still had the ability to intimidate people. He once answered the door to a boy I went out with in high school with a shotgun in his hand. The boy had wet himself. The date never took place.

  Chief Becker cleared his throat and stretched his hand out to my father. “I’m doing my job, Randall.”

  Pop glared, refusing to shake his hand. “Good evening, Chief.” He collected himself and strolled over to the coffeepot and poured a cup.

  I gave the chief my thoughts on the cases.

  “Chief Becker, did Nick tell you I think the three crimes might be related? I believe whoever murdered Samson and Flora must’ve robbed the bank. I’m guessing the bank robber was staking out the bank from the upstairs window the other night and Samson stumbled upon him. You know, one of those wrong place at the wrong time situations. Then, yesterday evening when the bank robber returned to the burn site to make sure he’d removed all the evidence, he discovered Flora digging around, so he killed her.” I paused for a second to gather my thoughts. “The robber and killer, who’re the same person, knew we’d seen him yesterday, so he stashed Flora’s body here as a threat. I really think you should question Mr. Schirmack. Did you know he and Flora were having money issues and he was in town the night of Samson’s murder? They’d also had a huge fight; she told me so. Or what about looking at Cleo Peters? He’s definitely hiding something.” I’d pulled a Daniel and managed it all in a couple of breaths.

  Pop sighed and smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand.

  “Uh, huh? Do you know what I think?” Chief Becker asked.

  I shook my head, hopeful he’d finally come around.

  “I think you watch too much TV. Now, stay out of this investigation and let us do our job.” The chief’s eyes mocked me as he tipped his hat. “Evening, folks.” He strode out the door.

  I dragged myself over to the stool at the front counter and collapsed. I laid my head down on the counter. “What happened?”

  Daniel whistled and snapped his fingers. “You got told.”

  You sure did. I heard Cuff’s thought loud and clear.

  “Go home, Daniel,” I said, too exh
austed to argue or put up with him. I’d blown any chance of Chief Becker listening to me.

  Daniel set Cuff on the floor. “Alrighty. I know when I’m not wanted. Toodles!”

  Pop waited for Daniel to gather his things and leave before he spoke again. Sitting down across from me at the front counter, he reached out and patted my hand.

  “Becker has to cover his bases, Steels. The Rangers and the FBI are involved now. With two murders and a bank robbery, things have gotten too big for the department. The crimes may be related, but you need to leave it to the authorities,” he said.

  I had to trust him. “The chief all but laughed at me, Pop. And now he’s shut down the COW.”

  Pop shook his head, exhaling loudly. “Look, the COW doesn’t fight crime. We’re merely a watch program. This is serious, Steels, and you will have to back off.”

  You know he’s right, Chiquita. Now, tell him you’re gonna listen to his advice. Cuff hopped into my lap and onto the counter. He licked my Pop’s hand. You’re a good man, Lamarr.

  “What if I don’t?”

  Chiquita, Cuff warned.

  Pop raised an eyebrow. “Don’t what?”

  “Stop. What if I keep looking into things on my own?” I already knew his answer.

  You don’t listen, do you, Chiquita?

  Pop’s face sagged in defeat, the crow’s feet at the corners of his blue eyes drooped. He sat stock-still for a moment, more than likely debating on whether or not to put me over his knee. When he opened his eyes, anger mixed with fear flashed in them.

  “You could find yourself in lockup or worse, like getting yourself killed. If you continue to act on your own, I may not be able to keep you out of trouble.” He squeezed my hand so hard it hurt. “Stop pursuing this, or I’ll turn you into Becker myself.”

  I yanked my hand out from under his and clicked my tongue. “You wouldn’t.”

  “Don’t tempt me,” he said, sliding from the stool. “Take my advice and stay out of trouble.” Worry lines creased his forehead. “Please?”

  Don’t make that man cry, Chiquita. Show some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Cuff began humming Aretha Franklin, as he pranced out of the room.