Try to plan cat/baby interactions when both parties are on the sleepy or mellow side. This is all about the Three Rs of your household and knowing when the energy levels are most favorable so the outcome can be positive for all parties.
THE BLUEPRINT FOR BEST FRIENDS
Our chance to build positive associations between children and cats starts before they ever meet—meaning, before your baby is even born. With every intertwining stage of human and animal parenting comes not only opportunities for enrichment and appreciation, but also significant potential roadblocks that need to be navigated. In this section, we’ll map a course through the world of cats and kids; it begins with safe boundaries, continues with planting the seeds of cornerstone values—love, compassion, and empathy—and culminates with a thriving and mutually respectful day-to-day relationship.
BEFORE THE FIRST STEP: BRINGING A BABY INTO A CAT’S HOME
Introducing a cat to a baby is in some ways similar to how we introduce cats to other furry family members. There are advance steps that can be taken along the way to get your cat acclimated to the new reality of a human sibling joining the family before it actually happens. And don’t worry—I know you’ll have a lot on your plate. Just know that whatever you can manage to do in advance will pay dividends in the transition process.
Step One: Make the Nursery a Junior Base Camp
I know it’s probably the last thing you’re thinking about as you set up a nursery while counting down the months to your new arrival, but I can’t tell you how many problems you’ll prevent by considering the needs of your cat as well as your baby. One of the best ways to initiate Cat Mojo here is to start thinking of the nursery (or designated “nursery area”) as a junior base camp.
A. Scent Soakers: Gather up any scent soakers you can find to put in the nursery so the cat and child can start mingling scents (along with yours). This doesn’t have to mean a cat bed in the crib. However, putting a cat bed or cat tree on the same side of the room as the crib is a great big hunk of Mojo.
B. Mealtime in the Nursery: Stop free feeding (if you haven’t already) and start feeding your cat meals in the nursery—their cozy new junior base camp!
C. Cat Superhighway: Consider providing a complete Cat Superhighway in the nursery. Once the baby has arrived, the cat is then able to get up in the vertical world, look down at the crib and changing station, and say, “Huh . . . is that what all the fuss is about? Is that what that strange sound is? So that’s where that smell was coming from . . . interesting. . . .” All of the observations, as well as the learning of an alien language, are done at a safe distance.
Should I Keep the Cat Out of the Crib?
Some might think that there’s a fine line between trying to keep the cat out of the crib and sending a tacit message that cat and baby shouldn’t mingle. Not so! I encourage mingling (even in the crib). Mingling is a good thing that provides indelible moments of foundational relationship building. If you consider the big picture, these mingle moments are all profit and no loss as long as these visits are supervised.
That said, if you build a Cat Superhighway and have some other elevated space for your cat to traverse, the crib becomes not the most interesting place in the nursery for the cat to be, and that’s a good thing. Of course, I’m not saying we will ever be able to eliminate the crib as a destination—it’s soft, it’s somewhat of a cocoon, and between the baby and the bedding, it’s a nice warm spot—but with Catification on board, it won’t be the only one. Conversely, if you have no cat furniture or vertical space to claim ownership of in the nursery, your cat will rightfully think that the crib is the new bed you got for them.
At the end of the day, though, it’s about your comfort level, and it’s your call on how you want to raise your baby and your cat. If you decide to say “no” to the cat being in the crib, bear in mind all I’ve said about the territorial importance of the nursery—and make sure to give the cat a “yes” somewhere else!
Step Two: Desensitize Your Cat to the Sounds and Scents of a Baby
Now that you’ve welcomed your cat into the nursery, it’s time to introduce him to sounds and scents that are part of the baby package deal. We’re going to use a well-known process known as desensitization—which is commonly used in human therapy to help people with fears and phobias. It works with our companion animals, too.
Desensitization is helping an animal become less sensitive to something that is potentially unpleasant (such as the sound of crying babies) through repeated exposure at a “safe level” that you gradually increase in intensity. The bonus technique is called counterconditioning, and that is when you change your cat’s emotional response from potentially negative to positive by pairing that unpleasant something with things he likes, such as treats or play. Let’s put it into action.
Sounds: Strange as it may seem, there are plenty of recordings of babies screaming, crying, gurgling, and laughing available online. It’s a great idea to get your cat used to some of these sounds before the baby arrives. And here’s an interesting little fact: regardless of species, most mammalian distress calls happen to be similar in pitch, which means that those baby cries might trigger an alarm response in your cat. In other words, desensitizing to these sounds is a classic “better safe than sorry” scenario!
First, use a version of Eat Play Love to find your cat’s Challenge Line, by playing the recording softly as you feed a meal or Jackpot! Treats. Or, if the cat is more play motivated, engage him with his favorite toy. Make sure your cat is absorbed in this activity, enough so that the sound is not a distraction.
With each EPL session, creep the volume up, taking note as to when the primary activity starts to get clouded by distraction, anxiety, or fear. At what point do the cat’s ears start to move, does the fur on his back begin to twitch, or does he begin to demonstrate any kind of tension, including looking around the room? Does he completely abandon ship from the activity, deciding that the risk he is exposing himself to is just too great?
That fine line between comfort and challenge—in this case, the volume that begins to make your cat uncomfortable—is your cat’s Challenge Line. Once you identify the Challenge Line, you can desensitize your cat to it, by turning the volume down, then slowly trying to inch it up again until your cat is desensitized to the sound. Then you can start again at a higher volume.
Scents: Expectant moms often know other moms. If you can bring home blankets or clothing that smell like a baby, even if they don’t smell exactly like your baby will, you can introduce that very distinctive scent to your cat early on. Let your cat explore the blankets at his own pace. You can place treats nearby, but never force a cat to get close to the baby blankets. There is a school of thought that would have you actually rub the blankets on the cat as a way of introduction. Make no mistake—whatever school that is, it’s not mine!
There’s no way to guarantee that when you bring your cat and newborn together, your cat is going to be all unicorns and rainbows about it, but if he’s allowed to survey the weird before attempting to interact with the weird, it will be, well, less weird.
Step Three: Three Rs—Before and After
We want to start co-constructing the Three Rs (Routines, Rituals, and Rhythm) around cat and baby, even before the baby shows up. In this case, you will go through an HCKE session (chapter 7) with your cat as you normally would. But the twist is this: conclude the session by leading the cat into the nursery for mealtime. This will reinforce positive associations with this “new” space, and also help to develop a seamless flow from the familiar territory of the house to the new or revamped territory of the nursery. This will also help to define the new routine, ritual, and rhythm of mealtime in the household once the baby shows up.
Why is this important to establish before the baby arrives? Sleep will be at a premium, and the pressures of caring for a newborn are momentous. If you don’t actually build these concrete Three Rs in adva
nce, you’ll find yourself facing a slippery slope that unfortunately I’ve seen some of the most well-intentioned new parents slide down. It begins with exhaustion, then leads to less integration and more separation. Your cat, of course, responds to the separation negatively. If you restrict cats from that territory, they get insecure about it; if you let them in without the right preparation, they may pee on things or hiss at the child. So you might end up locking them out more, but now they’re peeing everywhere else more. You have inadvertently broken down the bond between you and your cat. You can avoid this.
Building the Three Rs has a key focal point, just like the ones we build when introducing a new animal into the home: mealtime! Therefore, I recommend feeding the cat in the nursery when you’re feeding your child. This gives you the invaluable opportunity to be as inclusive as possible; as you build rituals around your baby, build your cat into those rituals. While you’re sitting in your rocking chair nursing your child, what better time to feed meals to your cat?
Bringing a Cat into a Child’s Home
If you already have kids and you’re thinking of adopting a cat (or two), there are a few things you can do to help ensure a successful relationship. You’ll notice this process tends to be a bit simpler than bringing a new baby into a home where a cat is already established, since you’re not having to “shake up” your cat’s territorial certainty.
Choosing Your Cat
The Energy Match: When you’re at the shelter, foster home, or rescue agency, try to match energy to energy, just like you would if you were bringing home a new cat for a resident cat. If your kids are younger and/or rambunctious and active—and you have lots of other kids visiting—look for a Mojito cat: perhaps a teen or adolescent who is ready for nonstop fun. They can be a great match for an active household.
History with Kids: A cat who has a positive history with kids would also be ideal, because then you’ll know she isn’t going to be overwhelmed by the hustle and bustle of a home with several kids running through it.
Older vs. Younger: An older cat may be better suited for a more mellow home, or or one with teenagers who are a bit more chill. While we are often drawn to kittens because they are so damn cute, just keep in mind that they are fragile, and need much more supervision, both for their own sake and for that of any small children.
Preparing for Your New Cat
Set Up Base Camp for Your New Arrival: As a family, you can plan out setting up that room, and what kinds of scent soakers you’d like to arrange for, etc.
Basic Catification: As mentioned earlier, your new cat will immediately see and evaluate her new home vertically. Make sure she has some “higher up” places to traverse, especially if there are some enthusiastic, high-energy children in the house from whom the cat might need to take a break!
Initial Introductions: Once you bring the new cat home and get her set up in base camp, let her settle in for a bit before meeting anyone. Then later, when introducing the cat to your family members, do it supervised and one at a time. If there are multiple children all seeking the cat’s attention and getting excited about their new animal brother or sister, it will most definitely scare the newcomer, at the very least. It’s never too early to exert control and help dictate the tone and tempo of their relationship.
THE NEXT STEP AFTER THE FIRST STEP: CATS AND TODDLERS (A.K.A. KIDZILLA)
One fascinating element of cat communication is the language expressed through spatial recognition and respect. This is why I spend so much time on the traffic flow element of Catification (chapter 8). Especially in the shared horizontal world (the floor), we see the dynamics of territorial co-ownership—one cat who hugs the wall yields power to another who gets the center lane of traffic, or they may time-share prized scent soakers and signposts and resources like beds that mark the movement of the sun throughout the house. It reminds us that every position is a potential move in Cat Chess; a lot of these moves are subtle, and not completely understood by us, but as cats pass each other in the most delicate of ballets, we know without a doubt that this language is written in the Raw Cat’s DNA.
And then . . . Kidzilla enters the living room like it is downtown Tokyo, and turns the ballet into a mosh pit.
On average, babies take their first steps at between nine and eleven months, and by fifteen months they are fully cruising/toddling/walking/wreaking havoc. In the carefully choreographed landscape of cat urban planning, there may be no disruptive force quite like Kidzilla. Why? Not just because of the unpredictable movements, nor the fact that he or she ignores all traffic signals, moving with gleeful abandon through the center of the room, cornering unsuspecting Wallflowers and thumbing a nose at overowning Napoleons. No, the true threat resides in the total lack of self-consciousness. Kidzillas don’t know where they want to go. Really. They don’t have the developmental skills to navigate left or right in a quasi-straight line or the communicative skills to back off if they terrify the four-legged family members. There is no adherence to the rules of Cat Chess. You know that look on your cat’s face—the “Oh god . . . what is that?” look—as she realizes there are no escape routes. Kidzilla is closing in, and the fight-or-flight alarm bells sound.
If you have not already invested in Catification, this is that moment. You should be measuring just how far up your child can reach, and then build your Cat Superhighway up from there. Your cats have to know that they have somewhere in the vertical territory that is safe.
As mentioned in the Myth Busting section of this chapter, cats are not naturally offensive; however, they may become defensive when their exit routes are cut off . . . which is to say that the only reason they’ll “go after” the Kidzilla is because they perceive that Kidzilla is coming after them! Don’t wait for this potentially explosive situation to happen; if you subscribe to proactive Catification before your baby is born—or just prior to bringing a new cat into a home with youngsters—you’ll be in a much better place . . . and so will the cats.
Your ultimate goal at this age range is to have territory within the territory that belongs to the cat and gives the cat a childproof vantage point while giving the child a cat-proof vantage point.
Putting the Super in Supervised Visits
Good Catification will keep any inadvertent child/cat encounters to a minimum and, as discussed, provide your cat with a necessary escape route if need be. But what about some planned time for your child to interact with the cat, or vice versa? Three things:
When your child is in this toddler age range, it is imperative that all “official” interactions between child and cat be supervised. No exceptions, please!
It is best to plan for these supervised interactions at “lower-energy” times in the household, when both cat and child are at their mellowest. This might be after a play session with your cat, when his energy has been expended, and/or near bedtime or naptime for the child.
Touching, for children this age, is what they are all about. Remember, however, that their motor skills are not fully developed, nor is their sense of what may or may not hurt an animal. Supervision also means allowing them to pet with your hand guiding, so you can stop the hands from grabbing and pulling, and, in general, avoid a hiss and scratch response.
LITTERBOX ENLIGHTENMENT
The second your child can toddle and you can lose track of him, you should be worried about him going into the litterbox. The box represents ground zero for the best- or worst-case scenario of cat/kid introductions simply because it is a primary destination for both partners in the dance. Of course, for cats, it is the epicenter of activity and identity; for Kidzilla, it’s a playground. Watch out for the classic anti-Mojo move here, which is to reflexively think, “I definitely do not want my kid getting in the litterbox . . .” and off all the boxes go into territorial exile—the garage, the mudroom, the laundry room, or the unfinished basement where the child won’t get to them. This, of course, violates one of my most sacred te
nets when it comes to litterboxes and Catification; you wind up subtracting Mojo from the equation in the name of what might happen.
Another example of this Mojo subtraction is taking existing litterboxes, disguising them as something else, putting lids on them, and facing the opening of that box toward the wall in an attempt to dissuade your child from getting into them.
Hint: A decorative shoji screen can create a barrier to the box, or you can use a high-sided box with a small entryway cut in it. If you find yourself leaning toward the avoidance side of the coin, making baby-related “what if?” changes based on your aesthetic instead of on what will work best for cat and kid, remember: payback is a bitch.
On the toddler side of the coin: if your child is dying to play in the litterbox, give her other things to play with. Whether animal or human, the No/Yes works for everyone. You don’t want to remove the most important component of a cat’s territory in the name of what might happen.
Cat Daddy Tip
You can use a baby gate, raised up eight or so inches off the floor, so at least you’re not hiding the litterbox. That way, the cat can get underneath or over the gate, and your baby can’t get through either way. There are also pet gates with cat doors in them, which get the job done with minimal guardian hurdles to jump.
One concession to be made on the feline side of this Catification conundrum: if the baby tends to play in the living room, maybe the litterbox should be in the bathroom or bedroom—rooms to which the baby won’t make her way unsupervised. However, conundrums provide great opportunities to put your imagination to the test; for instance, although ordinarily you might think this an absurd idea, raising the litterbox off the ground is absolutely fine by most cats (if they are agile). If you can live with it, remember, it succeeds in keeping your cat Mojo-fied and your child out of the box.
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