The Abu Wahab Caper
Page 6
He said my father would of liked that.
He said my father was very big on all that Arabian jazz.
I said somebody told me he was an inventor.
Bet-A-Bunch said well sort of.
He said he made a pile of money and then he got to reading the writings of some guy named Abu Wahab and he lost interest in damn near everything else.
He said this Abu Wahab preached reincarnation.
He said you know about reincarnation?
I shrugged.
I said not much.
Bet-A-Bunch said well it’s like if you are maybe a human being and when you die you come back as a tarantula spider.
I said does everybody get promoted like that?
Bet-A-Bunch said no sometimes you got to come right back as a human being.
I said how come?
Bet-A-Bunch said well it kind of all depends on what sort of life you led the time before.
I said how long does this go on?
Bet-A-Bunch said I think forever or something.
He said my father always swore he’d come back.
He said he told me to keep an eye out for him.
He said hell he may of been here and gone ten times for all I know.
He said my father bought the sword of Abu Wahab.
I said where is it now?
Bet-A-Bunch said it’s in back with the horse.
I said what does it look like?
Bet-A-Bunch said oh it ain’t too much.
He said it got little bits of colored glass in the handle and it’s pretty rusty.
He said I brought it along just in case we have a weenie roast or something.
The old van shuddered violently.
There was an odd fizzing sound.
The odd fizzing sound was followed by an odd whizzing sound.
There was a bang and a clang and a pair of booms.
There was silence.
I steered the van onto the shoulder.
I piled out of the cab and raised the hood.
Bet-A-Bunch said is there something wrong with the engine?
I said yeah.
I said it’s gone.
Bet-A-Bunch said there’s some rope in the back.
He said maybe the horse can tow us.
I went to the back of the van and looked in.
I said Bet-A-Bunch I got news for you.
I said this is a camel.
28
…laws are what anybody wants and everybody breaks and nobody enforces…
Monroe D. Underwood
Justice of the Peace Phineas T. Singletree was a white-haired scrawny little guy in blue overalls and a tattered straw hat and wire-rimmed spectacles.
He stared at us over the parapet of the rolltop desk in his parlor.
He said all right Junior how many counts you got ’em on?
Deputy Junior Jones was a giant lumbering man in his fifties who watched the world wide-eyed.
His hat had been smashed flat and his hound-dog face was bruised and one of his size-fifteen shoes was missing.
Junior took a deep breath.
He spit tobacco juice into a brass cuspidor across the room.
Not a drop missed the hole.
Junior said hell I dunno Phineas.
He said air pollution and wrecking a squad car and no license plates and running without lights and obstructing traffic and carrying a goddam sword to mention a few.
He said there’s probly more.
Phineas T. Singletree said gimme the story quick.
He said my cows ain’t milked yet.
Junior Jones said well I was in Sadie’s Diner over at Mason Corners when I got this here report what said there was a big black funnel cloud going north through Gisahammanee.
Phineas said watch your language Junior.
He said this is a court of law.
Junior said right away I druv over there and sure enough here was this great big black cloud up the road a piece and I lit right out after it.
He said that was when I run smack into that there 1928 Reo engine what was laying in the middle of the road.
He said I never seen it on account of all that black smoke.
He said plumb castrated the squad car.
Phineas T. Singletree leaned back in his wicker chair.
He put a match to a vile-smelling corncob pipe.
He motioned to the deputy to continue.
Junior Jones said well right away I run over and borryed the Triple Octane tow truck and that’s how I come on all this weird carrying on.
He said there was some big lumpy animal pulling this ole truck what didn’t have no engine in it.
He said one of these characters was steering the truck and the other one was riding this lumpy creature and feeding him apples on a string offen some rusty ole sword.
He said scared me half to death.
He said they was Dooley Lathrop’s apples by the way.
Phineas T. Singletree nodded solemnly.
He turned to a large black book and opened it.
He adjusted his spectacles and flipped pages back and forth at a furious pace.
Finally he said well Junior as best I see it only thing serious agin ’em is grand larceny of apples.
He scowled at us.
He said that will be ten dollars.
He said where you youngsters headed?
Bet-A-Bunch said Waupuwukee Downs.
Phineas T. Singletree said oh good Lord.
He said I hereby suspend the fine.
He said Junior here will push you the rest of the way with the tow truck.
He said you fellers gonna need all the help you can get.
Junior Jones said well what about my squad car?
Phineas T. Singletree nodded glumly.
He said I was coming to that.
He said Junior I’m gonna have to fine you fifty dollars.
He said driving too fast for conditions.
29
…the only indigestible part of a horse is the saddle…
Monroe D. Underwood
Nailed to a crooked post was a faded lopsided sign.
It read WAUPUWUKEE DOWNS WHERE THE BUGLES SUMMON TO THE POST THE FLEETEST AND GAMEST OF THOROUGHBREDS.
Junior Jones gunned the tow truck and pushed us into the stable area.
He said reckon I gonna leave you fellers right here.
I said much obliged.
I said I hope there’s no hard feelings over you getting fined.
Junior said shucks no.
He said Phineas fines me every time he runs out of blackberry pie.
He said my ma makes the best damn blackberry pie in three counties.
Bet-A-Bunch looked around.
He said this appears to be a mighty small racetrack.
Junior said well it was just a mite bigger before they sold a piece of it to the Hoof and Cartilage Glue Works.
He said ma told me it was a marriage of convenience only I dunno just what she meant by that.
I said I don’t see any lights.
Junior said no and you ain’t about to till they pay their electric bill.
The tow truck rolled away into the darkness.
Bet-A-Bunch and I spent the night in the cab of the van.
We came within two degrees of freezing to death.
At dawn we got out and stamped our feet and waved our arms to escape total coagulation of the blood.
We gazed out over Waupuwukee Downs.
There were a few termite-riddled stables propped up by warped four-by-fours.
The grandstand was a sagging wreck that wouldn’t have seated a thousand people.
There wasn’t a drop of paint in sight.
The mutuel board was in ashes.
The infield was waist-deep in grass.
Wherever I looked I saw loneliness and desolation and despair.
An old man came by.
His breath was steamy on the cold dawn air.
He said you
fellers coming to the drawing?
Bet-A-Bunch said post-position don’t mean a damn to Sahara Wind.
He said we didn’t come up here to get beat.
The old man said son we ain’t drawing for no post-positions.
He said we’re drawing to see whose horse we eat.
He went away.
Bet-A-Bunch said he was probably just the local wise guy.
He said nobody eats horses.
He waved to a man who came from one of the stable buildings.
He said is there a refreshment stand around here?
The man said yeah there’s one behind the grandstand but steer clear of them sandwiches.
He said last week I got a old stirrup stuck in my teeth.
Bet-A-Bunch said seems like there’s maybe two local wise guys.
A big white truck roared out of the stable area to the highway.
On its side was a picture of a smiling horse looking over its shoulder.
Below the picture was a sign.
BOSLEY BROTHERS-EQUINE SPECIALTIES-GROUND MEAT-STEAKS-ROASTS-CHOPS-RIBS.
From the interior of the truck came a loud whinny.
Bet-A-Bunch looked at me.
He said Chance this place is teeming with local wise guys.
30
…if everybody knowed what the other feller was thinking we wouldn’t have no more problems with overpopulation…
Monroe D. Underwood
We found the refreshment stand.
Bet-A-Bunch dropped his satchel and ordered a glass of orange juice.
My coffee tasted like something I had never tasted before.
Skillfully blended with something I never wanted to taste again.
Bet-A-Bunch stared suspiciously at his orange juice.
He said this orange juice ain’t orange.
He said it’s yellow.
He said do you know what I’m thinking?
I said you may be thinking the same thing I’m thinking.
Bet-A-Bunch said what are you thinking?
I said I’m thinking we better find a different refreshment stand.
31
…ain’t nothing new about rock concerts…the injuns held ’em every night…
Monroe D. Underwood
The dark dank tunnel beneath the crumbling old grandstand was lighted by a few guttering candles.
The door of the racing secretary’s office dangled from a single rusty hinge.
I dragged it open.
On the way in I tripped over several gasoline cans and a full case of Ohio Blue Tip matches.
The racing secretary was a gaunt man with strange lights gleaming in cavernlike eyes.
He sat on a small wooden box that served as a chair behind a large wooden box that served as a desk.
A single candle cast a flickering eerie glow on his haggard features.
His voice was funereally sonorous.
He said gentlemen I am Racing Secretary Lucifer Larcenik and I bid you cordial welcome to Waupuwukee Downs where the bugles summon to the post the fleetest and gamest of thoroughbreds.
Bet-A-Bunch put his satchel down and said what does waupuwukee mean?
Lucifer Larcenik said in Blackhawk it means eagle that fly from top of mountain to oak tree and then fly from oak tree back to top of mountain.
Bet-A-Bunch said that must have been a goofy eagle.
He said when a intelligent eagle flies from a mountaintop to an oak tree he usually got a damn good reason.
I said that isn’t what waupuwukee means in Winnebago.
I said do you want to know what waupuwukee means in Winnebago?
Lucifer Larcenik held up his hand.
He said not at this time please.
I said well good.
Lucifer Larcenik said have you heard that our mutuel board burned down a few nights ago?
Bet-A-Bunch said how did that happen?
Lucifer Larcenik said probably a short circuit.
Bet-A-Bunch said how do you go about getting a short circuit when you ain’t got no electricity?
Lucifer Larcenik said will you be entering your steed in today’s All-Solar-System Stakes?
Bet-A-Bunch said how many entries you got from Jupiter?
Lucifer Larcenik said you may shelter your mount in stall number 2.
Larcenik had a way of not answering questions.
I said doesn’t Waupuwukee Downs provide quarters for horsemen?
Lucifer Larcenik said we used to but alas the building burned down last week.
He said gentlemen it is with extreme pride that I announce that the stable of Sheik Ali-Ben Hazzar will be with us sometime this evening.
He said Ali-Ben Hazzar has the finest string of thoroughbreds in all of Arabia.
I said what part of Arabia?
Lucifer Larcenik said Ishaq I believe.
He glanced at some papers on the big wooden box.
He said yes.
He said Kermashaden.
He said it’s the capital of Ishaq.
32
…ain’t nobody trusts a smiling man…if he knows something you know that’s bad…if he knows something you don’t that’s worse…
Monroe D. Underwood
It was good to get back into the sunlight.
When we returned to the van the Triple Octane tow truck was backed up against it.
Junior Jones said I just towed the squad car over to the Koshiwikoo Body and Fender Shop.
He said you fellers know what koshiwikoo means in Blackhawk?
I shrugged.
Junior said it means no speakum Winnebago.
The old Reo engine dangled from the tow truck’s hoist chain.
Junior said where you want I should put this thing?
He said it wasn’t doing nobody much good in the middle of the road.
Bet-A-Bunch said just ease it into the rear of the van till we can find a mechanic.
He opened the back doors of the van.
Sahara Wind stalked out.
He was tan and he stood some seven feet at the shoulder.
He stretched his knobby legs.
He yawned a magnificent yawn.
He smiled at Bet-A-Bunch.
He ambled over to the faded lopsided Waupuwukee Downs sign.
He kicked both E’s out of WAUPUWUKEE and the D out of DOWNS.
He winked at Bet-A-Bunch.
He walked directly into stall number 2 and laid down.
33
…they held a raffle for Tuscaloosa and Alabama lost…
Monroe D. Underwood
I found a telephone nailed to a tree where the clubhouse turn would have been if there had been a clubhouse.
I called Brandy Alexander collect at Confidential Investigations in Chicago.
The call was routed through Tuscaloosa Alabama.
Brandy said Purdue what the hell are you doing in Tuscaloosa?
I said I’m not in Tuscaloosa.
I said I don’t even know what tuscaloosa means.
Brandy said in Chickasaw you’d be surprised what tuscaloosa means.
She said I’ll give you a demonstration when I see you.
I said I’m at Waupuwukee Downs in Wisconsin.
Brandy said have you located the sword?
I said yeah it’s in the back of Bet-A-Bunch’s horse van.
Brandy said way to go in there Purdue.
She said keep your eyes open.
She said I’ll get in touch with Langley and I’ll be at Waupuwukee Downs right away.
I said there’s some big Arab stable moving in here tonight.
Brandy said who owns it?
I said somebody by the name of Sheik Ali-Ben Hazzar.
Brandy grasped.
She said Purdue it looks like they’re going to hit us head-on.
She said this morning my automobile was completely buried under sand.
I said probably vandals.
Brandy said no Purdue.
She said Sheik Ali-Ben
Hazzar’s people.
She said Ali-Ben Hazzar is the leader of the Desert Sands.
34
…contrary to public opinion bingo was not invented by the Pope…
Monroe D. Underwood
Junior Jones had dropped in for a visit.
He said Lucifer Larcenik got his biggest race of the season scheduled for tomorrow.
He whistled a tobacco-stained whistle.
He said top money is two hunnert dollars.
Bet-A-Bunch said what’s the name of this race?
Junior said well last week Larcenik was calling it the Wisconsin Derby.
He said it was supposed to be only for horses what won over a thousand dollars last season.
He said it turned out that all these horses put together ain’t won five hunnert dollars since they was born.
I said I suppose Larcenik had to change the requirements.
Junior spewed a stream of tobacco juice through a stable knothole.
He said change ’em hell.
He said he eliminated ’em.
He said now all you got to do is show up.
Bet-A-Bunch said how many horses in this Wisconsin Derby?
Junior said it ain’t the Wisconsin Derby no more.
He said Larcenik is gonna call it the Wisconsin Beanie.
He said say either of you fellers ever rode a Ferris wheel?
Bet-A-Bunch said I ain’t much on amusement parks.
Junior said you don’t got to go to no amusement park.
He said Larcenik got a Ferris wheel over betwixt the grandstand and the Hoof and Cartilage Glue Works.
He said one helluva ride.
He said what makes it so all-fired exciting is the way it wobbles back and forth whilst it is going round and round.
I said no thanks.
Junior said hey don’t knock it.
I said I ain’t knocking it.
I said I just ain’t riding it.
Junior said that Ferris wheel is all that’s keeping this place in business.
He said the Ferris wheel and the bingo game.
Bet-A-Bunch said bingo ain’t much fun.
He said there ain’t no daily double.
Junior shot a bolt of tobacco juice into an anthill ten feet away.
Three million ants headed for the next county.