Make It Nice

by Dorinda Medley

  Every time I’ve ventured into the unknown, it’s been absolutely horrible in the moment, because struggling is hard! Every single time, I have thought, My life is ending. When Richard died, I thought my life was over. When I spent my Liz Claiborne bonus on drinks for everyone at the bar and had to move back home with no money and my tail between my legs, I thought I was a failure. Only later was I able to see that going broke made me more careful with money, and only later was I able to understand how Richard’s death gave me a new outlook on life.

  Every situation that has seemed negative at the time has actually turned out to be positive. All my hardest moments have deepened my capacity for love and led me to double down on myself, because whenever I climbed over another mountain it reinforced the truth that I was strong.

  So, if you think your life is ending because you messed up, it’s probably not. You’re probably just learning something new. Now is the time to be still and let things unfold organically. If you get confused about this, pay attention to nature. Recently, I was looking at my rhododendrons, thinking they were done for the season, because it had started to get cold. Then—bam—they had a last burst of growth. An abundance of tiny vibrant buds appeared. It reminded me of what I’ve learned so many times. There is always life after life—and it often appears unexpectedly.

  I think it’s very important to have specific goals. Decide where you want to end up and then point yourself in that direction and start walking. The funny thing, though, is that you’re never going to get to where you want to go in the exact way you expected. The journey is going to be a zigzag trail, not a straight line. No matter what, don’t give up. And don’t waste your time trying to predict the future either. You have to handle each situation as it comes. If you need to rest, then rest. I love naps; I take one every afternoon! When you’re done resting, get up and keep going. Just keep going. If you don’t believe in yourself, then pretend like you do. Fake it till you make it. Eventually, your faking will become a reality. As you keep moving through your struggles, you’ll come to believe in yourself.

  Life is about learning. Everybody has something to teach you, as Richard used to say—and that means everybody. The cashier at the store, the college professor, and the woman you dislike all have wisdom to offer. I think a lot of people incorrectly assume that only certain experiences, like ones that end in pain or loss, have something to teach us, but that’s not true. Every single person and every single bit of life is a learning moment if you’re paying attention. What does that mean? That you have to pay attention. Listen. Be open. Don’t close yourself off to opportunities you might think are beneath you, because you never know where things will lead. The smallest, crappiest job could end up leading you to your biggest success.

  I learn about life in the same way I learned how to cook from my mother. I watch and I listen. Taking diligent notes and writing out a recipe for your perfect life is fine, but there’s a distancing in that. The real way to learn is by feeling the experience emotionally. I couldn’t tell you how long, exactly, to cook my mother’s lasagna, but I could show you how the cheese is supposed to look when it’s done. Anybody can read self-help books, but it’s participating in your life that teaches the true lessons. It’s like reading about a painting. That might be nice for some reasons, but eventually, don’t you want to just go look at the painting?

  For a lot of my life, I thought of myself as the underdog. In elementary school, I was the kid who protected the kids who were being bullied. I hate injustice. I’ve been the whistle-blower, the one who calls it like she sees it. In the story of David and Goliath, I’d always considered myself David. He’s the underdog.

  Well, Hannah recently told me that I’m not David. I’m Goliath. I appear to be a strong warrior, but in the end, I’m quite fragile and can be taken down. “You’re not the underdog, Mom. You’re the fallible warrior.” Maybe Hannah’s right. I spent a lot of my younger years thinking I had something to prove. It took me a while to realize that I don’t have anything to prove. I’m worthy just as I am.

  In going over my life story for this book, I’ve done a lot of thinking about what I would tell my younger self. If I could go back and talk to her, I’d say, “You’re worthy, Dorinda! You don’t have to earn your seat at the table. You already have a seat at the table.”

  Looking back, I wish that I had put myself first more often. I wish I’d been a little greedier and more selfish and able to articulate my needs more efficiently. I had a tendency, as a young person, to get lost in the shuffle. When anything went wrong—My life is over!—I panicked. And in my panic, I can see now that I didn’t always make the best decisions. Maybe I climbed the mountain too fast sometimes, and the air at the top was so thin that it scared me. When I got bogged down by fear, I made things harder than they needed to be. I’ve learned more patience now. When life gets tough, sometimes the best thing to do is stop and take a breath.

  I would also say to my younger self, “Good job!” Because no matter what was happening in my life, I was doing my best. I’ve always tried very hard. I’ve taken risks even when I was full of fear. I’ve also tried a lot of different things. I’ve worked in fashion and in real estate and signed up to be a reality TV star. I’ve been fluid about my career identity and my personal identity. I’ve been married; I’ve been divorced; I’ve been single; I’ve been widowed. I’m proud of how I’ve followed the natural zigzagging flow to arrive at all these different identities and how I haven’t clung to any of them too hard. All the chapters of my life have been wonderfully colorful in their own ways, and each chapter, I can see now, served an important purpose.

  While I’ve lived in many places and worn many hats, so to speak, at my core I haven’t changed. Maybe I’ve deepened, but fundamentally, I’ve always relied on the same foundation of family, spirituality, and humor. That’s the other thing I would advise you to do on your journey: laugh! Life is so crazy sometimes that what else can you do but joke about it?

  The best thing about being older is that I’ve checked all the major boxes. Childhood, check. Marriage, check. Motherhood, check. Financial security, check! The next boxes I want to check are about internal rather than external things. They’re about finding joy. The great gift of being put on pause is that now I’m not only looking at the next season of the Housewives, I’m also considering the next season of my life. What does that look like?

  I have a strong feeling that my next phase is going to be my best yet, because what I have now is absolute freedom. I can do as much or as little as I want—and I can make it all about me. I’m not responsible for anyone; I don’t have a job or a husband; I never have to marry again if I don’t want to. Instead of boxes I feel obligated to check, I have an ocean of possibilities. I could move to the Bahamas if I felt like it, or devote myself to a new cause, or learn to paint the landscape around Blue Stone Manor.

  I don’t know what the details of my future will entail, because what am I? A fortune-teller? What I do know is that I want to keep learning and growing. I want to stay healthy. Since COVID began, I’ve started playing the piano again, which I hadn’t done since college after years of my mother insisting I know how to play an instrument and sending me to lessons as a girl. I’m knitting. And, of course, I’ve also been decorating and cooking up a storm. In short, I’m doing all the things that make me happy and relaxed.

  Connecting to fans is one of my absolute favorite parts of my current life. I love receiving emails from fans, and I respond to every one of them. I feel that if somebody puts in the effort to write to you about their life, then the human thing to do is respond.

  Recently, a young woman from Canada wrote to me. She told me that she’d suffered through a difficult upbringing and then in her teen years had met the love of her life—who was also a drug user. Seven years into their relationship, he died of an overdose. She thanked me for being honest on the show about my grieving Richard’s death. I am so honored and touched when I receive messages like these. Here’s w
hat I wrote back to her:

  Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story with me. I am so sorry to hear about your difficult journey and your boyfriend’s passing. Life, at the end of the day, just isn’t fair. With that said, I would ask you to look at this time as an ending to one part of your journey and the beginning of another.

  Life is filled with stop signs and roadblocks. This is not the time to give up. It’s time to move around the obstacles. As unfortunate as it is, your boyfriend seems to have made some not-so-good choices that not only contributed to his passing but maybe, just maybe, would have negatively affected you long-term, so try to use this time as a learning curve.

  Please use this time to think, pray, and go forward. Cry when you need to, and remember to love and cherish. No matter what, get up each day and try to put one foot in front of the other. Life can and will move forward again, but it is up to you to be strong and go forth. Grief is necessary, but it shouldn’t stop your life.

  I hope this helps and I also hope you use this terrible time to learn and move ahead with the knowledge that anything is possible and that pain and loss can be valuable tools to make a better life.

  Sending you a hug from Blue Stone Manor. I am so sorry for your loss.

  For all of you who are going through hard times, I’d say the same thing I said to this woman. Just keep going. Making it nice doesn’t only mean presenting a beautiful façade. It’s not only about decorating and cooking. It’s about all the work you put into it. It’s about all the obstacles you overcome to get to the part that is beautiful.

  Remember, success isn’t measured by your achievements. It’s measured by how you handle the ups and downs of life. As you go forward on your path, keep your head up. Do what you believe in. Tell the truth, be transparent, stay strong, learn from your mistakes, and keep trying no matter what.

  Well, I guess it’s good-bye for now. I hope you have enjoyed reading this book. I hope it has helped you to know me a little better and I hope that you can take away a few good lessons on life, love, work, family, and “making it nice”!

  xxxx

  Dorinda

  My baby picture (1965)

  When Mom brought Melinda home from the hospital (1966)

  My First Communion with Grandma Magadini, Grandma Cinkala, and family (St. Peter’s Church, Great Barrington, MA, 1974)

  Melinda and me riding bikes in Great Barrington, MA (1975)

  Me after moving to NYC in 1989, going to the Puck Building with Susan McCarthy

  Wedding photo with Ralph Lynch (St. Peter’s Church, Great Barrington, MA, 1991)

  Keith Torrie

  With bridesmaid June Marshall at my wedding to Ralph Lynch (St. Peter’s Church, Great Barrington, MA, 1991)

  Keith Torrie

  Wedding photo with Ralph Lynch (Blantyre, Lenox, MA, 1991)

  Keith Torrie

  Pregnant with Hannah (London, 1993)

  Hours after I gave birth to Hannah Lynch (Portland Hospital, London, December 26, 1993)

  Hannah meeting Santa at Harrods (London, 1994)

  Keith Torrie

  Me and Hannah (Nice, France, 1994)

  Hannah’s baptism, with her godfather, John Cinkala, her godmother, Zoe Lynch, and Ralph Lynch (St. Peter’s Church, Great Barrington, MA, 1994)

  At Hannah’s baptism, with June Marshall and Deborah Rausch (1994)

  Summertime with Hannah in Hyannisport, MA (1996)

  Hannah learning to ski in Verbier, Switzerland (winter 1998)

  My wedding to Richard, with my mom and Hannah (October 2005)

  Keith Torrie

  My wedding to Richard, with Hannah, and Paige and Aidan Medley (October 2005)

  Keith Torrie

  At our wedding reception at The Grill at the Seagram Building (New York City, October 2005)

  Keith Torrie

  Dancing with my father at my wedding at The Grill at the Seagram Building (October 2005)

  Keith Torrie

  Richard and me with Hillary Clinton at a fundraiser for her at our townhouse (2008)

  Keith Torrie

  With Richard and Hannah on our Hinckley boat, Leopardo (Hyannisport, MA, 2009)

  With my mother—my rock—one year after Richard died (2012)

  Blue Stone Manor

  Keith Torrie

  Master bedroom at Blue Stone Manor. Interiors by Marshall Watson Interiors.

  Keith Torrie

  Peacock-blue living room at Blue Stone Manor. Interiors by Marshall Watson Interiors.

  Keith Torrie

  John Mahdessian and me (June 2015)

  Christmas card (New York City, 2015)

  Nutcracker Gate on RHONY Season 10 (2017)

  Season 10 reunion, with Carole Radziwill (2018)

  Season 11 reunion, with Sonja Morgan and Ramona Singer (2019)

  Watch What Happens Live, “The Night of 31 Doorbells” (Los Angeles, April 2018)

  Keith Torrie

  With Mom and Dad at Blue Stone Manor (2019)

  Keith Torrie

  Bravo green screen photo shoot with my friend and makeup artist Luke Henderson (2019)

  Hosting Make It Nice on Sirius XM (New York City, 2019)

  WWHL with friends Mona Andrikian, James Palazza, and Patrick Michael (July 2019)

  My Season 11 reunion look, in a Naeem Khan dress (2019)

  Christmas with Hannah at Blue Stone Manor (2020)

  Christmas at Blue Stone Manor (2020)

  Hannah and me at Dorado Beach, Puerto Rico (2021)

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I am so happy that I am able to share this book about my journey with you. I hope first and foremost that you’ve enjoyed it, and that it has made you laugh, cry, think, and learn. There’s no right or wrong in life, and there’s no straight path. Life requires the willingness to put yourself out there, try your best, and accept yourself, warts and all.

  So I mean it when I say: Life is a quilt of colorful patches—some more beautiful than others, but in the end, collectively amazing.

  I want to thank my Italian and Polish grandparents. Their love and guidance is still with me today.

  Thank you to my mother, who is my queen. The invisible string of love that binds you, me, and Hannah is eternal.

  To my father, my rock. You are the standard of what a father and husband should be. I love you so much, and I am so grateful.

  To my Hannah, my daughter, my love, my heartbeat, and my greatest achievement. Best editor ever!

  To my brothers and sister, John, Dean, and Melinda: Thank you for always being there in the good times and bad.

  To Ralph, Hannah’s dad, for being an outstanding father, and standing by me even after we divorced.

  And finally to my love, Richard, my husband: As you said to me on our wedding day, you are my north. You are no longer with me physically, but I feel your love, protection, and guidance every day. Our time together was short, but our love and commitment were fierce and undying. (I bet you can’t believe I wrote a book! Yes, Richard, I wrote a whole book.)

  Thank you to the beautiful extended family of friends I’ve had the honor of having in my life over the years. We have shared laughter and tears together, and I appreciate each and every one of you.

  To Len, who has been by my side for sixteen years.

  To NBCUniversal, Bravo, and Shed Productions, for giving me an incredible experience and platform.

  To Natasha Simons, my editor at Simon & Schuster, Maggie Loughran, associate editor, and everyone at Gallery Books: Thank you for believing in me and pushing me to write this book.

  To Connor Goldsmith, my literary agent: It was a long road, but we got there in the end!

  To Swan: Thank you for turning endless stories and experiences into organized chapters.

  In life, you need to stop dreaming and start doing. Little by little, you’ll achieve your dream—and have many stories to tell in the end.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  DORINDA MEDLEY is a TV personality, entre
preneur, entertainer, philanthropist, and mother. You may know her from The Real Housewives of New York City, but she is best known for Making It Nice! She has always taken great pleasure in entertaining and decorating for the holidays and other special occasions at her home in the Berkshires, Blue Stone Manor. She enjoys theater, art, travel, fashion, cooking, decorating, and the company of her friends and family—especially her daughter, Hannah Lynch.

  FOR MORE ON THIS AUTHOR:

  SimonandSchuster.com/Authors/Dorinda-Medley

  SimonandSchuster.com

  @GalleryBooks

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