by Sasha Hibbs
I lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I thought about the look of belief in Mickey’s gaze that said he knew what he wanted. Jay’s words kept running through my mind, bringing me down from a cloud I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to prove them wrong, show my parents that I didn’t need their money, to make my way in the world and show Jay that if he’d loved Sean enough, they could’ve made things work.
I had always felt so mature and confident, but the thought of marriage made me think of how young seventeen truly was. Even at eighteen, the thought of marriage twisted my insides. I wanted to go to college. I believed it was mainly my parents’ dream for me, but as I lay watching the light flicker across the ceiling, I realized it was my dream too.
****
April 18
I’ve always had determination to win, but after seeing you Friday, I was unstoppable. I feel like I am flying, soaring to great things. I’ve got something more to fight for. I’ve always had my mom and Jimmy, but that was duty and my love for them … that always fueled my fire in the ring. It still does. But now there’s more … there’s a future … there’s you. With you, nothing can stop me. I am fighting for us. I wish I could see you. I want to hold you. I want to tell you that I think of your eyes … how green they are to me. I want to tell you how pretty your lips are, especially when you are thinking hard. I love to touch your hair. It’s so soft against my hands. You’ve always been a concept in my mind, something for me to dream of, someone who was way better than me but someone I wanted anyway. I never once believed you’d give me the time of day, let alone feel the same way about me. You make me happier than I’ve ever been.
Mickey
I clutched his letter to my chest. My hands were trembling. Mickey was so tough, so hard on the outside. I’d seen him knock his opponents out with no remorse. I knew what damage his hands were capable of. I knew what his intelligent brain was capable of. But this … this was a side of Mickey I hadn’t known. I had no idea of how profoundly his words, his feelings, his hopes and dreams would impact me.
I was terrified.
April 19
Mickey,
How did you do on the test in Honors? I was nervous but kept thinking of how you’d make fun of me for overthinking it. I wish I loved Calculus as much as English. Numbers hurt my head. How is your mom? I miss her cooking, and you need to know a deep-dark secret about me. I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you for weeks now but realize there is no easy way to break it to you. So here goes: I can’t cook.
Your girl
I shoved the letter in his locker on my way out to catch the bus. When I turned, Daniel stood a few feet away from me with a bitter look on his face.
“Hi, Daniel,” I said, a bit surprised. I hadn’t seen him in school since the attack on Sean. “How’s Sean?”
“If you cared about Mickey, you’d break it off with him,” he said, eyes narrowed.
“I’m sorry?” I said, backing up against Mickey’s locker.
“I tried to warn my brother about people like you and look what it got him. He wouldn’t listen to me. I knew that jackass was good for nothing. I knew it. I could see it. Rich pricks like him don’t give a shit about poor people like us. And when it’s all said and done, one way or another, you’ll do the same thing to Mickey,” he said, clenching his jaw tight. He glared at me with a look of hate I’d never been subjected to.
“I’m sorry about what happened to Sean. I really am. You’re projecting your hurt over what happened to him on me, and I forgive you. What Mickey and I have is different than what Sean and Jay had. I would never hurt Mickey—”
“You say that, and I almost believe you. But I know your type. In the end, you will. If you really cared about him, you’d get out while you’re ahead. He already has enough on his plate, feeling like he has to take care of his mom and Jimmy. You’ve never known a hard day’s work a day in your life. What do you really think will happen? You gonna go get a job? Waitress in between your college classes when Mommy and Daddy cut you off?” he scoffed sardonically. “I don’t think so. Wake up, Autumn. You’ll try until you realize the money your parents give you is worth more than the blisters you’ll get on your feet from standing hours on end trying to make enough cash to eat.”
The words I wanted to fling at him were hitched in my throat. Tears welled up in my eyes.
“Is there a problem here?” I narrowly heard Mr. Romano say as he walked up to us.
“No,” I said, stepping to the side away from Daniel.
I ran outside and caught the bus right as the driver closed the door. I kept my head down as I walked to the very back and slumped down in the bench seat. I let the tears I’d been holding back fall. On the ride home, I kept replaying Daniel’s words through my head. They hurt me, made me angry. Why did everyone want us apart? Why was the concept of Mickey and me so threatening to my parents? To Daniel? To the entire world? Because it felt like the entire planet was against us.
As the tears fell down my face, I thought maybe the one I should hate the most was myself. Because regardless of how hurtful Daniel’s words were, maybe there was a sliver of truth in them. I loved Mickey so much it hurt to breathe, but what terrified me the most was what if I did end up hurting him?
Chapter Thirty-Two
April 25
My mom keeps reminding me prom is in two weeks. Before you, I would’ve never been caught dead at a dance, but Mom tells me day in and day out how much these things mean to girls. The idea of dancing with you makes the concept more appealing. Plus, I’d be more than happy to go to a dance so I can see you. I can picture you now in a green dress to match your eyes. I want to see you bad enough that I’m thinking about driving over to your house even if your parents call the cops. Surely your parents would let you go to your senior prom. Talk to Dakota Rollins. He’ll be a friend.
Mickey
Prom had crossed my mind, but there was no one I wanted to go with except Mickey. Knowing that was virtually impossible, the thought left my mind as soon as it crossed it. Over the last week I tried to shake the feelings Daniel’s confrontation left me with. I wouldn’t tell Mickey. What good would it do anyway?
I made steps toward talking to my parents here and there. I’d made a blemish on our family and the stain was still there in their eyes, but life went on. I felt like they believed I was holding up my end of the bargain. With the exception of taking a ride with Jay and Mary bringing me home one evening, I’d been riding the bus home since my dad went to the school. I didn’t know where my and Mickey’s relationship would go, but as thoughts of prom took hold in me, I soon became desperate to go. I decided to take an approach with my mom that I knew would surprise her, but I felt it could work to my advantage. After getting off the bus, I walked in the house to find her. My dad wasn’t home yet. She was sitting in the living room curled up with a magazine on the lounge chair.
“Instead of going out for dinner tonight I thought maybe we could do something together.”
She straightened up in the chair and laid the magazine down on the coffee table. She arched a quizzical brow at me and said, “What did you have in mind?”
I sat down on the couch in front of her and relaxed.
“Prom is in two weeks and I would like to go,” I said as her brow furrowed. I could see the doubt cross her face. “I’m a senior. It’s not like I’ll get another opportunity to go and I’ve done nothing day in and day out but go to school and come home.”
“You can’t go with that boy. It’s out of the question.”
I bit the inside of my jaw. Now was not the time to lash out at her or I would seal my fate. “I’m not going with him, Mom. I don’t see him in school any more. You all took my phone, my car. It’s over. Remember? I wanted to go with one of my friends, Dakota Rollins. He doesn’t have a date and I don’t either. We’re both seniors and I only wanted to go shopping for a dress. I’ve done everything you and Dad have wanted me to. Please let me do this,” I said, clasping my hands toget
her as though praying.
She gazed at me for a few seconds before saying, “Dakota Rollins, is that Beth and John’s son? Don’t they live at The Meadows?”
I schooled my irritation enough to answer. “Yes.”
It angered me that my parents couldn’t see that a complete jerk or criminal could live at an expensive address just as well as a meager goodhearted person could live at a poor one. I thought of Jay’s words. Everything did come down to money. At least with my parents. Thankfully, Dakota was a good guy. He was quiet and shy. I knew he obsessed over graphic novels because I’d caught him in Honors many times with one wedged in between the covers of the literature we were supposed to be reading. He was harmless. But my parents didn’t know that. My mom only knew that he lived at The Meadows, another gated community, and that was enough of a background check for her.
“We’re just friends, Mom. Nothing more. We were talking today in class that it would be too tragic to go alone. Then he came up with the idea for us to go together. I told him I’d have to ask you and Dad first.”
My mom assessed me under a scrutinizing gaze. I couldn’t lose this opportunity.
“Come on, Mom. It’ll be fun. Just the two of us shopping for a dress and shoes. Please. It’s only a dance. Nothing will happen. I want to dress up pretty for one night, go dancing with Dakota, and come home. It’s that simple. I promise.” I held my breath and crossed my fingers.
“Okay,” she said as I let out a long sigh of relief. “Let me talk to your father, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be okay with you going. He will not be home for another couple of hours. That’ll give us enough time to run up to the mall and shop around.”
“Yay! Thank you, Mom!” I said, jumping up and running over to her. I bent down and squeezed her shoulders and pecked her on the cheek.
She looked surprised at my spontaneous display of affection. She hugged me back and for a moment I felt bad for betraying her trust. The exchange we shared was a rare show of feelings and I could feel the sincerity in her embrace. But they should feel bad too. They misjudged Mickey and we were both suffering for it.
“Let me grab my purse and we’ll go,” she said, standing up from the chair.
“I’ll meet you outside.”
As we drove up to the mall, a thrill went through me. I thought about Mickey in a tux, me in a dress … it was a girly dream, but one I was pretty sure every girl had. It would seem I was no different.
The first few stores we checked out didn’t produce good results. We went to the food court to grab some pizza, regroup, and my mom made the call to my dad. I held my breath, waiting for her to get off the phone as I picked at my pizza. She ended the call and slid the phone back in her purse.
“And?” I asked nervously.
“He’s fine with it. I know these past few weeks have been hard on you, that we’ve been hard on you, but we’re not unreasonable,” she said as I nearly choked on my pizza. “We both know that you’ve been listening to us and we’ve pushed you. It’s only because we love you and want the best for you. You’re going to be eighteen soon and it’s time to restore some of your privileges.”
“I can have my car back?” I asked hopefully.
“Not yet. But you can have your cell phone back. We’ll talk about the car in a few weeks.”
I was disappointed, but it was a start. They were beginning to trust me again. We finished our pizza and Mom started talking about her dress choices that I’d turned down so far.
“I really think you’d look lovely in a floor-length gown with spaghetti straps. A silver one would make for a nice contrast against your brown hair and green eyes.”
We left the food court and walked in to Claudia’s Boutique.
“I’d really love to find a dark-green gown,” I said, thinking of Mickey’s letter. “I’d prefer something that came to about my knees and off the shoulders.”
My mom raised a brow but never said anything. As we leafed through the racks, it wasn’t too long before an attendant came over.
“Can I help you with anything?” she asked, flipping her hair over her shoulder.
“We’re looking for something for my daughter to wear to her senior prom,” Mom said.
“Prom,” the attendant said, gazing off as though dreaming herself. She looked a few years older than me. I glanced down to her name tag. Lucy was her name. “Well, we have all kinds of gowns. Floor length. Ones with crinolines built in, knee-length gowns.”
Her enthusiasm seemed to build. I stopped her before she could make any other suggestions. I knew what I wanted.
“I’m looking for something that’s around knee length, strapless, and dark green.”
“Autumn, dark colors should be worn in the fall and light colors in the spring. And I think floor length would complement you so much better,” Mom said as Lucy looked between us trying to decipher whose side to pick.
“I think I have just the thing,” Lucy said, jetting a sharp finger in the air like she struck gold.
We waited for her as she went behind a curtain in the back and emerged holding what looked like layers upon layers of green shiny fabric. I was scared and hesitant until she let the gown drop from her hand into our full view.
“Oh, that is lovely,” Mom said.
“This looks like your size. We do alterations too, so we can tweak things up a bit if it doesn’t fit right.”
I had already tried on so many gowns I began to think I would never find one that I liked. I was right. I hadn’t. Lucy had. I prayed that it would fit. I took the gown out of her arms and went in to a dressing room. I slid out of my jeans and top. I unzipped the back and stepped into the gown. As I pulled it up over my body, I held my breath. I managed to get it settled in the right places. The only thing that remained was to zip it up in the back. I stood in front of the dressing room mirror and assessed myself. Mickey was right. Green worked on me. I guess my mom was right, too. I wanted a short dress, but there was something timeless and elegant about the floor-length gown that made me feel so pretty.
“Mom?”
“Yes?” she said from the other side of the door.
“Can you zip up the back?” I unlocked the door and opened it for her to step in.
“You look beautiful,” she said, turning me around so my back was facing her.
I felt her hand press against my rib cage as the other zipped up the back of my dress. Once I felt her make it all the way to the top I let out the breath I’d been holding.
“Turn around here so I can see you.”
As I turned, I felt the material swish against the ground.
“Perfect,” Mom said. “You look absolutely stunning.”
It had been a long time since I felt any kind of connection with my mom. I resented her for drinking and I resented my parents’ oppression. Standing in the boutique, I only felt like a daughter shopping with her mom. The feeling was nice. Normal. It was something I always wanted with her. For once in the last several weeks, I didn’t want to feel angry at my parents. I didn’t want to think about the struggles Mickey and I would face. I didn’t want to think about the tiny golden ring I hid up in my bedroom. I didn’t want to think about the ugliness of the crime committed against Sean. I didn’t want to think about Jay moving away. I didn’t want to remember the look of hate Daniel reserved for me. I didn’t want anything but to feel like a seventeen-year-old girl standing in the mall in the most beautiful dress she’d ever seen, dreaming of dancing in the arms of her prince. But I was no princess and I knew in my gut there was no romantic fairytale waiting for me.
Chapter Thirty-Three
April 29
I talked to Dakota today. We’re going. I actually went shopping with my mom last week and bought a dress so now it’s official. It’s hard for me too … not seeing you. I’m counting down the days till prom. My parents gave my cell phone back, but I’m too scared to use it to text or call you. I don’t think they’d go so far as to check the phone records, but I don’t want to risk
it. I’ve been getting along with them better in the last week since that night. I know you’ve been going to class. I’m happy about that. I get to skip finals. I’m sure you do too. Have you thought more about applying to college? WVU is so close and it’s a great school. I received a letter from them today. Full tuition for a year and as long as I keep my grades up, the scholarship will renew every year until I graduate. We can still be close to your mom and Jimmy.
Your girl
I knew this was a sensitive topic for Mickey. I could never fully grasp the fierce sense of obligation he felt toward his family because I’d never been in those shoes. They weren’t exactly financially destitute. His mom worked. I knew Mickey was frothing at the mouth for his fight with Leo—which I dreaded—in the hopes he could surprise his mom by paying the mortgage off on their house, I just didn’t understand why he thought they couldn’t make it without him.
I shoved the letter in his locker. When I turned, Mr. Romano stood a few feet away watching me. He slowly approached me.
“You’ve done excellent work this semester, Autumn.”
“Thanks.”
“I’m not only talking about your own work. Because of you, Mickey’s getting the grade he deserves and now he’ll qualify for a Promise Scholarship. He’s in charge of his own fate now.”
“Do you think he’ll go?”
“He’s stubborn. I’m not sure which side it came from,” he said, a sad smile perked up at his lips. “His father was pretty bullheaded, but his mother comes from a long line of obstinate pride, too. It doesn’t really matter. What does is that he has a bright future ahead if he only takes it.”
I could only hope he would.
****
The days were passing by faster than I’d expected. Prom was less than a week away. There were so many other important dates coming up, too. Graduation. Mickey’s eighteenth birthday was May seventeenth. Mine wasn’t until June. It was all happening so fast. I pulled the letter out of my purse that I tucked away from this morning. It was becoming routine to read them on the bus on my way home.
