Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart

by Janet Grosshandler

  Missing Pieces

  of My Forever-Heart

  by

  Janet Grosshandler

  This ebook is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events or locales is entirely coincidental. This is not the author’s story nor of any person she knows. However, the author does admit to having an old navy blue Volkswagen Beetle in high school and her junior chem teacher did scare the bejesus out of her.

  The author also spent over 30 years as a high school Guidance Counselor and counseled teenage girls, who found themselves in difficult situations, and amid the tears and sadness, made decisions that affected their lives and the lives of others forever.

  This ebook is a fiction based on teenage girls’ decisions and the resulting consequences they struggle with and live with each and every day. Janet’s heart goes with you all.

  “Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart” is copyrighted by Janet Grosshandler. No portion of this book may be reprinted or reproduced in any way without the author’s express written permission.

  Copyright © 2012 by Janet Grosshandler. All rights reserved.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the author is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials.

  Cover design by Design By Insight

  Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart ISBN 978-0-9850240-5-5

  Published by:

  Get Stronger, Girlfriend, Racquet Rd., Wall, NJ 07719

  Website: http://facebook.com/getstrongergirlfriend

  E-Mail: janet@getstrongergirlfriend.com

  Copyright © 2012 by Janet Grosshandler

  Janet Grosshandler

  Published ebooks and books

  Fiction

  Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart

  Non-Fiction

  Get Goals, Girlfriend

  10 Top Treats Of Trusty Girlfriendships

  If You Don’t Ask, You Don’t Get

  Get Going, Girlfriend

  How To Use the Power of Positive Self Talk

  Self-help books for teens

  Coping When A Parent Dies

  Coping With Verbal Abuse

  Coping With Alcohol Abuse

  Coping With Drinking and Driving

  Drugs and Driving

  Drugs and The Law

  Working Together Against Drinking and Driving

  The Value of Generosity

  Children’s sports books

  Everyone Wins At Tee Ball

  Winning Ways In Soccer

  Find Janet Grosshandler on Amazon.com

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  Find Janet Grosshandler on BarnesandNoble.com

  Missing Pieces

  of My Forever-Heart

  by

  Janet Grosshandler

  Table of Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 1

  He sat on my couch in April with a tentative smile on his face.

  “I’m really glad you said you’d see me,” he said a bit sheepishly, that boyish grin appearing just as I remembered it from so many years ago. He had come home for just a short time he claimed. Like I cared.

  “That’s OK,” I answered. What the heck did he want with me and why the hell did I let him in? Should I kick myself now or later…or both?

  Silence descended, filling the space between us with heavy expectation on my part. Was this when I would finally get closure?

  I sat in my chair, far across the room from him, not wanting to be any closer. Why the strategic placement? Because I didn’t want to feel the pull, the tug, the charisma he exuded since I fell in love with him when I was 14-years-old.

  Chapter 2

  31 Years Ago - Our Lady

  of Sorrows High School

  “Him. Him. That’s the one you’re gonna cheer for,” Maddie said poking me in the ribs a lot too hard.

  “Which one?” I asked tugging on my new Our Lady of Sorrows cheerleading uniform.

  Maddie had picked out the ninth grade boys we would cheer for and thereby make our first boyfriends at our new high school. We were too young for the upperclassmen, so if we had freshmen boyfriends, then we were “girlfriend material.” I know it sounds crazy, but as my new best friend, Maddie had her power over me and her reasoning commanded my obedience.

  What did I know? I enrolled here, after taking a “placement test”, I guess to see if I was smart enough to enter this elite Catholic college preparatory high school. Little old me from the outskirts of Pleasantville, three towns away, made it in along with the upper class progeny of the prestigious Lakeside and Oceanside communities.

  I knew only two other people from my hometown to make the selection process with me- Benny Higgins whose Dad owned the biggest bulldozer company in the state (and who ignored me all through elementary school and subsequently high school) and quiet, mousy Patricia Rosado, the brainiac of our eighth grade class who won a full scholarship to attend OLOS.

  Me? I just wanted to get out of my tiny town full of tiny-minded people who wanted me to stay just like them.

  I just couldn’t be that. If I had a dollar for every time someone said that I “march to the beat of a different drummer,” then I would have bought my way out a long time ago.

  But Our Lady of Sorrows, I mean, wow! OLOS. The elite. The best. The one school everyone wanted to get into, and not only the Catholics. And I was in!

  Now Maddie and I were sizing up our future boyfriends.

  “That one- real tall, brown hair, brown eyes, takes Spanish.” (Taking Spanish was the middle level kids. I had landed in the upper echelon of the French-taking elite. Imagine that. They thought I was smart!)

  Maddie’s voice grew louder. “His friends call him Jame or Jamie- I think it’s short for James or something. The basketball guys call him the ‘Jammer.’ He’s yours.”

  As she screeched out the last part, the future love-of-my-ninth-grade turned and looked at us from across the aisle of the c
afeteria tables. Wow! Nice eyes. OK, I’ll take him!

  Little did Jame and David (Maddie’s victim) know but they were toast. The two cutest (well maybe) freshmen cheerleaders with the biggest breasts on the squad “liked” them. They didn’t have a chance.

  I’m not sure whether it was our boobs or that these two basketball players were looking for cheerleader girlfriends, but Jame became my boyfriend on that Friday night, the first game of the season.

  Chapter 3

  “So how’ve you been?” He turned those molten chocolate-brown eyes on me again. No they weren’t. They were brown. Just brown. No molting, no chocolate.

  “I’ve been better. Sometimes OK.” Yeesh! Could I have sounded more inane?

  But really, life had been tough since my husband died five years earlier, raising my two girls on my own. I had grown stronger, more resilient. My kids were now in college and we were all doing fine. Just fine, until I got that friggin email.

  Cath,

  I’ve wanted to get in touch with you for a while now. So I thought I’d just take the chance & contact you. Got your email off your website. Hey- congrats on doing so well. Was wondering if I could see you. Have something I need to tell you.

  Jame

  So was this IT? Would I finally get the “I am so sorry for what happened. It’s haunted me my entire life. I’m so sorry for how much I hurt you. I’m begging your forgiveness” confession?

  Did I really want to see him again?

  I didn’t answer the email right away. First of all, I didn’t want to seem too easy, although heaven knows my first reaction was yes, he’s finally going to apologize. I will have closure on one of the most painful times of my life. Could I make him suffer the way I suffered?

  I waited two days then sent a nonchalant reply, “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

  Then I worried that he’d never try to convince me to see him. I didn’t sleep that night. I was so jumbled up and hating that I felt like I was back in high school, waiting for him to call after a fight or a break up.

  Then his second email popped up in my inbox.

  Cath,

  I totally understand that this is out of the blue. If you really don’t want to see me, I’ll understand. But I’m hoping you’ll find it in your heart to say yes.

  Jame

  Dammit! After all these years he still knows that a sincere, honest approach works best with me, and I reluctantly, stupidly agreed to see him.

  So here he was looking very out of place on my flowered couch but calm as anything. Meanwhile, my heart was down in my stomach and I wanted to throw up.

  “So what do you want?” That’s it, Cath, be strong. Get right to the point. Don’t let him get the upper hand.

  “First, I want to say how sorry I was to hear about your husband passing away. It must have been so hard for you.”

  Oh no- I’m so NOT going there.

  “Ok. Thank you.”

  “Um,” he squirmed a little bit on my fluffy flowered cushions. “Well, there’s been something on my mind for a long time now. I don’t know how to say it, but there’s been this empty place inside me for years. I think it probably caused my two divorces and made me feel like I’ve just been drifting through my life.”

  What? Does he want sympathy from me? I’ve been through hell twice and he wants me to feel sorry for his divorces? No way. I held my stoic gaze, not letting his words penetrate the wall around my heart.

  “I don’t want to cause you any more pain. I really mean it, Cath. I know I hurt you so much.”

  Okay, a little melt in the heart area after hearing those words. Isn’t this apology what I wanted for years? What I had cried myself to sleep over day after day? Was I ready to hear it?

  “I have something very important to tell you.” He leaned forward, elbows on his knees.

  I held my breath. Maybe I didn’t want to hear him apologize now. Maybe I should have left this all in the past, forgotten all about it.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have entertained that teensy, tiny seed of hope that possibly it was our time to be together again. Even after all the hurt and pain, he still was the first love of my life. And I had been so lonely. So bone-achingly, heart-empty alone since Sam died and the girls left for college. I think I was a little out of my mind.

  I released my breath, sat up straighter in my chair and braced myself for a torrent of emotions. Here was my apology.

  Jame said, “I want to find our son.”

  Chapter 4

  31 years Ago - Our Lady

  of Sorrows High School

  The first game of the ninth grade basketball season was on a Friday in early December. Our frosh game was after school. Then we all went to the Princess Diner for a quick burger and fries before the junior varsity and varsity games. All the younger players and cheerleaders were expected to sit in the stands, cheering on the older teams. But that’s not what always happened.

  Maddie had coerced her David and my Jame to sit with us at the diner thereby proclaiming to everyone else that now we both were couples, so hands off! We were still in the awkward stages of getting to know the new boy/girlfriend and eating in front of each other was an added burden for me.

  We survived the meal, went back to OLOS gymnasium and sat together (as couples of course) cheering on the junior varsity team. I was beginning to feel a little more comfortable until Maddie came up with one of her great ideas.

  “Let’s go for a walk!” She grabbed David’s hand and led him out of school and down the street, with Jame and me following her like obedient puppies.

  Oh no. Now I knew what was going on. I was a little slow on this boyfriend thing, since Jame was my first one and this was our first “date” of the first day of my first relationship. Maddie was leading the way to “Make-Out Island.” I started to sweat bullets in my little cheerleader uniform.

  Make-Out Island was in a park a few blocks away from school. You had to cross over this cute little wooden bridge to get onto a spit of land in the middle of the lake, and I had heard that this was the place to go and make-out (you know- heavy duty kissing).

  Now remember the part that this was the first date of the first day of the first relationship for me? I HAD NEVER KISSED A BOY BEFORE!

  Not unless you count Judy Bartlett teaching us how to French kiss into our hands on the playground in eighth grade, I had never been lip-to-lip or worse tongue-to-tongue with any boy. And here I was on my way to Make-Out Island with my new boyfriend Jame who shyly took my hand and quickened his pace. He knew what was coming.

  And my first kiss with Jame was pretty wonderful! Maddie and David disappeared around some bushes, for their own privacy I assume, and Jame stopped to face me taking both my hands into his.

  “It’s pretty cold tonight, huh?” Oh my romantic Jame.

  “Yeah.” There I was- quick to banter back.

  “Well then maybe I ought to warm you up,” he said as he put his arms around me, leaned down to my face level, and gave me the sweetest first kiss that any girl ever had. Pretty smooth for a 14-year-old. But that was my Jame. Sweet, really nice, always knowing the right thing to do.

  So we kissed and we kissed, and I had my first make-out session with Jame Patterson. It was so wonderful that we almost didn’t make it back for the end of the varsity game and our parents’ pick-ups.

  That night I vowed to love Jame Patterson forever and ever.

  Chapter 5

  “YOU WHAT?”

  “I said I want to find our son. Please Cath, hear me out…”

  “GET OUT!” I screamed. Running over to the front door, I flung it open and pointed outside. “GET OUT!”

  Jame must have seen the panicked look on my face and the blotches starting to erupt on my neck because he picked up his coat and walked out.

  I slammed the door as hard as I could, feeling the raging lava of my emotions erupt from deep inside my belly and my memories. Then I slid to the floor, rested my head on my knees and a savage cry poured from my insi
des as the tears began.

  Chapter 6

  31 years ago- Our Lady

  of Sorrows High School

  Ninth grade swept along with basketball games, classes, cheesy parties and new experiences. I threw myself into school activities growing to love the freedom of leaving my little hometown where I took a bus by myself to a world in which I could redefine myself.