Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart

by Janet Grosshandler

  Jame stood after we finished picking all my stuff up, held out his hand and dammit I took it as he pulled me to my feet. Putting his hand on my lower back, he walked me to class and I swear I was floating.

  Oh, helpmemyguardianangels, I was in real trouble now.

  That day I vowed to not lose my heart totally to Jame Patterson ever again.

  Chapter 17

  No, I wasn’t going to go to my cousin’s in Florida or to a cabin in Maine to write my novel. I had to make a decision. What the heck will I do about Jame?

  That’s enough! I decided that I was going to do nothing about Jame. It wasn’t my problem that he messed up two marriages. HE wasn’t my problem. Let him work out his own demons.

  My life was just fine. My girls had checked back in with me last night. My house was all cleaned up with everything in its place. No worries in my world.

  I put on my power business suit, my highest heels and left for a meeting with my editor. No one will stand in my way!

  Chapter 18

  29 Years Ago - Our Lady

  of Sorrows High School

  And it started all over again. Cath and Jame. Jame and Cath. Together again and inseparable.

  He walked me to all my classes, helped me with my chem homework. I gave him pointers about writing papers for Sister James Elizabeth. We were two peas in a pod and my heart gave up the fight. I was totally in love with my sweet Jame again and it felt so good.

  We talked about anything and everything, except sophomore year. That never happened. We had now, the present, and we made it bright with our love. I had so much fun with Jame. We double dated with Maddie and David, and it was like we skipped over from June of ninth grade right to now.

  Our parents warned us not to get too serious. Jame’s Dad threatened him with grounding if he let us get in the way of his varsity basketball season- so important for college coaches. My mother pushed college day and night. She didn’t want me forget my goals and dreams.

  But Jame and me- we just floated through our junior year together. Nothing bad could touch us. Our grades went higher. We did all our community service together. I made Crimson Times editor and he became the first junior co-captain of the basketball team. We were golden together.

  The night of our junior prom was magical. We had slaved for weeks making decorations to transform the gym into Camelot, a mythical land of castles and knights. Formal dress made Jame look like a college guy, and I wore a fairy tale dress with the highest heels because I swear, Jame kept getting taller!

  Snuggling later that night at Maddie’s after-prom party in front of her fireplace, we vowed to always remember this special night, as we grew old together over the years. That wonderful boy left me breathless and speechless at the same time.

  “Cath, come on please. I can’t take it any more,” Jame groaned as we struggled to get even closer. We were at our secret place in the woods behind my house, lying together on a blanket I snuck out of my house. It was an early June night near the end of the school year and our romance had progressed a few levels deeper emotionally and physically.

  Jame and I had moved from plain old baby kissing to deep tongue action, from holding hands to touching me all over and tonight he wanted me to touch him. It all felt so good and so bad-scary at the same time. I mean we went to a Catholic high school where we would get lectures in health class about never doing any of this until we were married.

  Jame took my hand and guided it down and as I did what he wanted, he gave a loud groaning shudder and kissed me like he’s never kissed me before. I felt so powerful yet afraid at the same time. Was this right? Was this wrong? I was so mixed up with love for Jame and what our bodies wanted to do.

  Two days later it got more intense. Jame had his father’s car and we went “parking” on a deserted country road behind a closed ice cream store. It was like we were this combustible thing getting hotter and hotter. The clothes started coming off and if it wasn’t my time of the month we might have done it right there in the car.

  It was wonderful. It was awful. Jame and I promised to slow down.

  A few days later, he broke up with me… again.

  “My Dad made me talk to Father Tim yesterday.”

  “What for? What’s Father Tim got to do with you?”

  “My dad is afraid something bad is going to happen with us getting into trouble.”

  “What trouble? What are you talking about?”

  “Shhhh. keep it down, please Cath.” Jame walked me over to the empty side of the cafeteria. “You know- like if something happened to you, like get pregnant or something.”

  “Yeah, but we didn’t DO that!’ I protested starting to feel sick in my gut. Jame’s father was talking to him about me like that? Getting pregnant? Jesusmaryandjoseph!

  “Yeah, but we almost did the other night. My dad made me talk to Father Tim about stuff.”

  “So what did he say?” This was sounding worse and worse. I was embarrassed and petrified.

  “Father Tim said I should avoid temptation.”

  “Meaning…?”

  “Well, meaning we shouldn’t be like that anymore.”

  I felt a little relieved. OK, we could do that. No more fooling around. “All right, we’ll stop.”

  “Well that’s not really all.” Jame looked around uncomfortably.

  And there we sat in the cafeteria when he dropped the second bomb of my life on me. “Meaning we have to break up so my dad will keep supporting me in my basketball thing.”

  I sat there on the skinny bench stunned and not wanting to believe what I was hearing.

  “You’re breaking up with me again, Jame? Tell me right now that’s not what you’re doing.”

  “I’m sorry, Cath. I don’t know what to do. Basketball is what’s going to get me a scholarship to play college ball. It’s my dream.”

  “You mean it’s your father’s dream.” I lashed out with my pain and devastation.

  “No it’s MY dream and we’re getting in too deep. It’ll kill both our chances for college and life.” Jame stood up. I couldn’t tell if he was angry, upset, or what. He looked like a total mess.

  But that was nothing like I was feeling. “Your Dad and Father Tim tell you to stay away from me so you can be a successful basketball player. What am I, garbage? A witch who will make you lose your basketball powers? Explain it to me, Jame!” My voice was getting louder and louder and some of the kids were looking over at us.

  So here I was in the school cafeteria with Jame breaking up with me for the second time- this time because we had almost gone too far.

  I ran out of the cafeteria before I completely broke down in tears. I felt dirty and cheap and wanted to scream at him, YOU wanted all that. YOU were the one who pushed me for more. And now it’s ME who’s the danger? I was the one who would ruin his college basketball career? I went into the girls’ bathroom and stayed there for the rest of the school day.

  That day I vowed to hate Jame Patterson, his Dad and Father Tim forever and ever.

  Chapter 19

  My meeting with my editor went really well despite my lack of sleep. I wrote for a semi-prestigious news magazine and website with my specialty of human-interest stories. I did get to that good journalism college and get a degree- not quite the way I thought it would go, but the end result was the same. I was a journalist of moderate recognition with a following online around the world.

  When I returned home from my trip to the city, I kicked off my shoes, put on my jeans and went to sit in my attic. I stared for a long time at that dusty white box at the bottom of a pile of old boxes. This one had some things in it that would call out for me to come look at them every once in a while, but I had resisted it for years.

  In that box was a piece of my heart, a piece of my past with Jame. The piece that ended us absolutely and forever and ever.

  I debated opening that box as I sat there for hours.

  Chapter 20

  28 years Ago - Our Lady

 
of Sorrows High School

  Another summer from hell. No Jame. I heard from Maddie that he was dating a girl from another town, just casually she reported. Nothing serious. I tried not to care, but I did.

  My ups and downs that summer were almost manic, but I hid them from everyone. On the outside I was doing just fine. On the inside, dammit, I let that guy destroy me again and that made me so angry. Would I ever get over him?

  Senior year was coming soon. Sometimes my heart felt so dead I could care less about Jame and our final year at OLOS. Other times the pain was so deep I could feel it in my toes. Bu no one would see that. I would go back to school calm, cool and collected. I was the journalist intern working on the local paper that summer, and I could see my future. If only I could get through senior year and all that crap that was coming.

  On Sept. 6th OLOS rang its bells and opened its doors to the graduating class. We were seniors! We ruled the school! I tried to summon up some enthusiasm but felt empty and unsure of myself.

  Maddie to the rescue! Our friendship had deepened into a sisterly thing and she knew exactly how I was feeling and exactly how to help me. She locked arms with mine and swept me up the stairs into our “senior gathering” in the auditorium to hear all about the glory and responsibility of being the oldest in the school.

  Maddie plunked us down in the middle of the soccer team and flirted with every single one of them. She and David were on the outs and she celebrated her “freedom” by fooling around with some of these guys. They flirted back and it spilled over onto me and I felt a little better. Maybe this year wouldn’t be so bad after all.

  Advanced academic classes, top studio art class, and a full class period to do the editor work for the school newspaper (another “Senior Privilege!”) and I happily fell back into my beloved OLOS routine. Sister Margarita pushed us creatively to stretch our artistic boundaries. Five new cameras were a focus of this advanced art class and as newspaper editor one was assigned exclusively to me. Bliss! I spent many hours looking at the world through that camera lens.

  I avoided Jame at all times, exiting a room if he came in. I decided I was too busy for cheerleading and that would get me out of his way even more. I had a little part-time reporter job with our local newspaper and had saved up my summer money to buy a 9-year-old navy blue Volkswagen Beetle Bug so no more buses!

  I had freedom, a camera, my art and a new status around OLOS. I was the responsible one, the one that several of the teachers depended upon to be the leader for the underclassmen. I took this on with a vengeance, loving every controlling minute of it! I tried not to let the power go to my brain, but it was a heady start to my senior year.

  Still… I would catch Jame watching me as I jumped into my Beetle Bug or send me a small smile across the cafeteria. It almost looked like he was sad and missed me, but I worked hard to ignore it. Until that day after school a few weeks into our senior year.

  The big rivalry football game was coming up and there were 10 of us working frantically in the art studio on the Pep Club banners we would hang all over our home team stands. I was in my glory telling the others what to do. I loved to imagine myself as the head writer of a news show or editor-in-chief of a city newspaper, coordinating all the important projects.

  “Great job, everybody! We’ll let these dry over night and hang them tomorrow morning before the game.” The other kids said goodbye and I was left alone doing final clean-ups. Sister M had entrusted me with the key so I finished up the last task and got ready to go home.

  “Hey, Cath,” his voice called to me from the doorway. “I waited til they all left. Can we talk for a minute?”

  Jame came into the studio. I can’t remember him ever coming in here to see me even though I practically lived here with Sister M.

  “Hey Jame, what’s going on?” I made myself sound as nonchalant as possible though my heart was pounding with something. What was I feeling? Scared, upset, hopeful, happy? Yeesh, this guy still can make me a mess.

  “I hoped we could sit and talk a little, Cath. Um, if that’s OK with you.”

  Do I stay or do I brush him off and leave? Dammit, I sat down.

  Jame came over and sat close to me on the bench. I could smell his “Jame smell”- a little cologne left over from this morning, his unique smell that I used to love breathing in when we kissed. I didn’t realize I had let a big sigh escape my lips.

  “Cath, I don’t want things to be like this anymore.”

  “Like what? You have your life, the basketball kingdom that you and your father built , and I have my life, all set up and going along just fine.”

  He reached over and took my hands in both of his. Tingles went up my arms right to my heart. I wanted to bury my face in his hands and cry. Too much emotion here. I struggled with getting myself under control. This was the guy who gave me up not once but twice. He was not going to get the easy way out.

  Jame lifted up my hands and kissed them as he had done so many times before. His actions always spoke louder than his words, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear it this time. But the hand kissing was an amazing thing. It always caught my heart.

  “Cath, I don’t care what my parents and Father Tim say. I’ve been miserable without you. I hate seeing you running around school all happy and I’m not with you.”

  “Jame, you were the one who dumped me, remember? You are the one who got a new girlfriend almost right away and left me in your basketball dust. What do you want from me?” My tears threatened to spill.

  “I admit I went a little crazy last June. We were just getting in too deep and I wanted you so much, it was all I could think about. Then Father Tim and my Dad started telling me that a girl always holds someone like me back. That I’d never get the basketball scholarship I wanted if I got you pregnant. That I’d never go to college and you wouldn’t either if that happened. So I got scared and did what they told me. I thought it was the right thing to do for both of us.”

  Oh Jame. I believed him. He is a good guy and wants to please people.

  “But we weren’t doing it, so I wasn’t in danger of getting pregnant.”

  “Cath, how long would we have held off? Do you think we would have stopped?”

  I looked into those sweet brown eyes and saw my pain reflected back to me. I shook my head. “No, probably not. So what now? We shake hands and be friends?”

  He inched closer on the bench reached up to push my hair behind my ears and leaned in to kiss me. Ahhhhhhh, I was really home again. In Jame’s arms, kissing him. It was probably the wrong thing to do but it felt so right.

  “I knew it. I knew it,” he whispered as we sat forehead-to-forehead. “I knew you still loved me. I miss you, Cath. Please can we get back together? Please? I’ve been so miserable without you.”

  “I want that too, Jame. I love you so much I thought I’d die without you. But what about your Dad and Father Tim?”

  “They’ll just have to understand. I’m not gonna give you up ever again, OK?”

  We stood up and hugged a lot and kissed a bunch until I knew I had to lock up and go.

  “Give me a ride home in your car, Cath? I’ve been wanting to check it out.”

  So I shared a ride home with my sweet Jame and went right back to sharing my life with him.

  That day I vowed to love Jame Patterson forever and ever, just like he promised me.

  Chapter 21

  I didn’t open the box. I hadn’t touched it for a long time and I decided to leave it where it was. I knew exactly what was in there anyway, but the years had clouded my memory a little and I couldn’t quite bring every detail into focus. Was that good or bad?

  What now, God? Why did Jame think he wanted this? What would it do to me? To my girls? Didn’t he have a clue about the damage he would do? Was he that uncaring and selfish?

  I figured he would give me a little space, but I knew Jame wouldn’t give up. So I wasn’t surprised to get his email later that night.

  Cath,

  I
am so, so sorry again. I thought I had figured out all the possible reactions you would have but I wasn’t prepared for the raw pain I saw in your eyes. I didn’t know. I don’t know. I left you long ago like a coward and never made it up to you.

  Could we at least talk a little? I don’t want to rip your world apart but I am on a quest. You don’t have to be involved in it, although I hoped that when you heard me out, we might do it together.

  Whatever you decide is up to you. But I am on a mission and I’m sorry that it upsets you. Maybe if we get things out in the open, it would help.

  Please,

  Jame

  Get things out in the open? His quest? His mission? I started to see red again in my raging pain. Damn him for bringing all this up to the surface. It had been buried deep a long, long time ago and that was the only way I could live with it.