Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart

by Janet Grosshandler

  “What happens if you do find him?” I still found this unbelievable- that we might be close to finding Michael.

  “When I find your son, the next step will be up to you. I can send a certified letter sending him a message from me or from you. I can call him. It’s up to you.”

  “We’ll talk about that at home, Jack. Thank you very much and we look forward to working with you. Email me the contract and I’ll drop it back off with a retainer.” Jack shook hands with both Jame and me. His grip was strong and reassuring.

  “Things will work out for the best, Cath,” were Jack’s final words to me.

  Jame and I sat home later that night sprawled out on opposite ends of the couch, feet intertwined, wrung out from the emotions of the past few days. My steamroller looked wiped out.

  “Hey, what are you thinking?” I nudged his foot.

  “I’m thinking it’s been a hell of a week.” He gave me a little smile. “But we’re up to it, aren’t we, Cath? You and me together? We’re invincible.”

  “Oh yeah. Look at us laying here like wet noodles. Sure look invincible, don’t we?”

  Jame rolled off the couch and crawled over to me. He covered my mouth with his and delivered one of his sweet, sweet kisses that made me want to disappear inside his heart. “Let’s go to bed. I’m wiped out and so are you. I want to hold you so bad.”

  He pulled me up off the couch, put his arms around me and I hooked mine around his waist. As we wearily trudged up the stairs, he whispered in my ear, “Now all we have to do is face your girls tomorrow and tell them I’m living here.”

  “Oh joy, another easy day.” I hugged him harder and my love swelled up so much my heart didn’t fit inside my body anymore.

  Chapter 30

  Erin and Kaitlin arrived in time for lunch on Saturday. I had already hinted around to them in emails about how serious Jame and I were and that things were moving fast. When I asked them to come home from college this weekend because I wanted to talk with them, they quickly made plans. I’m sure they called each other a hundred times trying to figure out exactly what we were going to talk to them about.

  The girls gave us extra squeezy hugs and seemed a little taken aback by our serious faces. We were not going to tell them about Michael yet, but Jame’s cancer and surgery next week was looming heavily over our heads.

  “Mom. What’s the matter? Are you OK?” Erin got right to the point. She was the one who suggested we wait to eat and talk first. “Mom, you guys look like someone died. You’re scaring me.”

  “No, honey, no. I’m so sorry. We’re just tired out that’s all. It’s been a busy week.”

  “OK, you wanted us home to talk with us so talk already! The suspense is too much!” Kait cried out.

  Jame began, “Girls, you don’t know the whole story about your mother and me but cutting to the chase, I came looking for her because I have cancer and I wanted to try to make things right with her.”

  “Oh Jame, cancer, how bad is it?” Erin asked with a tremble in her voice.

  “I go in for surgery this Thursday and we’ll know more after that. Hopefully it will be good news and we can put it behind us. But I want you to know that I love your mother very, very much and I’ve never been happier.”

  “Are you guys getting married?” Kait asked.

  “No,” I said quickly.

  “Maybe,” Jame answered just as fast.

  I looked over at Jame stunned. “We never discussed that. It’s only been a short time.”

  Erin clapped her hands. ”I knew it! Ha, Kait, I win the bet!”

  “What bet?” I was still reeling from Jame’s marriage hint. Too fast. Too fast.

  “I bet Kait that you were talking about getting married and that’s what you wanted to tell us.”

  “No one wins any bet,” I interrupted. “We haven’t talked about it. There’s too much else going on.”

  “Yeah, like I moved all my stuff in yesterday so I officially live here now with your mom, the love of my life. Hope that’s all right with both of you.”

  Erin and Kait jumped up and hugged both of us. Our mood lightened a little as we went into the kitchen for lunch and to fill them in on all the details of Jame’s cancer and surgery.

  After the girl headed back to college, Jame and I started unpacking his boxes strewn all over the garage.

  “Where will put all this stuff?” I shook my head at the piles. There were books, an extra computer, more shoes (I mean how many pairs of shoes does a businessman need? A surprising Jame-discovery, he loves expensive shoes!), memorabilia, four basketballs, sneakers galore.

  “It’s not that much. It can stay out here in the garage for now. We have more important things to do.” Jame dropped the box he was moving.

  “Come here, my love.” He pulled me over to him. We were both dusty and sweaty, but he peeled off my clothes and then his and made love to me right there standing up in the garage. Marymotherofgod, he was sexy and sure made things hot and exciting. Jame had a way of filling up life.

  Chapter 31

  The beginning of the week flew by as we prepared for Jame’s surgery. We had lists and more lists. Jame only had his mother left after his father died 10 years ago. He let his mother know about the surgery but we had decided that he was not going to tell her about us. Or Michael. When I told him what she had said to me on that fateful phone call that, “You knew what you were getting into, Cath,” he said she didn’t deserve to know about our happiness. She was in South Carolina and wouldn’t come up anyway.

  Erin, who attended Rutgers University right there in New Brunswick where the Cancer Center was, skipped classes to sit with me in the surgery waiting room. She didn’t want me to be alone. Thank you, God, for my precious daughters. What a gift Sam left me with!

  I was with Jame as he was getting prepped. He seemed calm under the circumstances but a little pale. He grabbed my hand, “Cath, this isn’t like a death-bed request, but I really want to talk about us getting married.”

  He sure knows how to push the right buttons. Did he think I couldn’t resist a man going in for serious surgery?

  “Don’t start with that now, Jame. We’ve got other important things to think about.”

  “Nothing is more important than you and me,”

  I gave him a kiss. “Hush now. I promise we’ll talk about it later.”

  He was getting drowsy from the meds they had given him. “Love you, Cath.”

  “Love you too, my sweet Jame, forever and ever,“ I whispered into his ear as the orderly wheeled him away.

  I saw him give a small smile and a little wave of his hand as he went out of my sight.

  Doctor Hadler found me a few hours later. Erin held my hand as he reported on Jame’s surgery. “We got all of the melanoma and removed the sentinel lymph node from the path. It looked a bit suspicious but we’ll know more after the node is biopsied. He’s in recovery now and a nurse will come for you when he’s awake and ready to go to his room.”

  I didn’t realize how worried I was until the doctor left the room and my tears started. Erin hugged me hard and whispered to me as I used to do for her, “It’s gonna be all right, Mom. Shhhh, I promise it’s gonna be all right.”

  At that moment my cell phone rang. It was allowed in the surgery waiting room so people could be in touch with family members. I didn’t recognize the number and almost didn’t answer it. It was Jack Masterson.

  “Cath, it’s Jack. I’ve been leaving messages for Jame all day but he’s not picking up. How can I reach him?”

  “Jame just came out of surgery, Jack. What is it?”

  “I found your son, Michael.”

  I sat stunned in silence. I could not process what he was telling me. “Wh...what?”

  “Cath, I traced him through his high school and college information. He’s in Boston. Lives there and works there.”

  “I…I…Jack, I’ve just been through hours of waiting for Jame’s surgery and am a little incoherent at the mom
ent. What do we do now?”

  “No rush, Cath. Michael’s not going anywhere. Take it easy, talk things over with Jame when he’s better and let me know. I’m here for you.”

  “All right, Jack. We’ll call you back.” I turned off my phone.

  “Who was that, Mom? You look sick.” Erin was watching me closely.

  “Oh, someone trying to reach Jame. He has to call him back. Nothing big, honey. No worry.” No worry, right. I was on emotional overload and couldn’t process this news.

  Erin went back to Rutgers and I followed Jame up to his room. He was still mostly out from the anesthesia and it was unnerving to see my big, strong healthy guy so helpless and weak. No matter what he had said, this was a major surgery.

  I slept in the chair in his room that night, giving him sips of water, listening to his moans of pain, and watching the nurses check his back and his drains. And I prayed to all my angels and saints to heal him so we could have our life together.

  “Cath,” I heard as I came out of a deep sleep. I was slumped over in the chair and it was just starting to get light outside. I jumped up and leaned over him.

  Jame was trying to move in the bed.

  “Hi honey, are you in a lot of pain? Do you want me to call the nurse?”

  “Yeah, could you? I could use some more pain meds. Thanks.” He moaned as he tried to move his shoulder. “Ouch, this really bites.”

  As I pushed the call button for the nurse, he said, “Hey Cath, I dreamed I saw Michael.”

  I froze. Now I believed in coincidences but this was too much. Maybe Jame did have super powers so that all he did was want something and it appeared.

  The nurse came in, adjusted all his tubes and lines, and gave him more pain meds and Jame settled back into sleep. What would his reaction be when I told him that Jack found Michael? He’d probably jump out of bed and drive to Boston.

  I used a bathroom with a shower for family members and did a quick run to the cafeteria for some coffee and breakfast. I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything last night. I ordered a big breakfast because if I were going to nurse Jame back to health, I’d need my strength.

  Jame woke up late in the afternoon and was more coherent. Doctor Hadler had come in for a post-surgery check. He said the biopsy would take a few days and all Jame needed to concentrate on was getting better.

  “Hey, sleepy head,” I leaned over him and gave him a kiss. His one good arm came around me, but the other one was in a sling so as not to disturb the surgery site.

  “Hey, my love. Are you still here? You should go home and sleep. What is it, midnight? This isn’t much fun. Ow, I think I need some more pain meds.”

  “Actually it’s about four in the afternoon and I will go home tonight and get some sleep. Doctor Hadler was here checking you.”

  “It’s only four? He was? Jeez, I’ve lost track of time and I don’t remember seeing him at all.”

  “Well you’ve been pretty knocked out, you know. The pills are strong.”

  “Maybe I won’t take any more then. I’ll get better faster.”

  “Don’t try to be the invincible man, Jame. Take your meds. They’ll ease the pain.”

  “Did I tell you I saw Michael? He was walking towards me and he had a winter coat on and it was snowing. What do you think that means?”

  I think it means you’re a friggin psychic! But I didn’t say that out loud.

  “I think you were dreaming under anesthesia, Jame.” I held on to the news that Jack gave me. He needed his rest and was in no condition to weigh out our choices. I hated not telling him and promised myself I would do it soon.

  I vowed to do whatever I could to reunite Jame and our son because I loved them both forever and ever.

  Chapter 31

  The next day they had Jame sitting up and walking around. Painfully, but he took it on like the athlete he is. One lap around the floor the first hour. Two laps around the floor the second hour. Three laps…until I told him to go sit down. He was pushing himself too hard.

  “Cath, give me my cell phone, will you? I want to make a few calls.”

  Oh great, he’ll see all the messages from Jack. Oh well, now or never.

  “Jame, before I do that, I have something to tell you. It’s good news. Jack called before you got out of surgery. He traced Michael to Boston. He found him, Jame. He found him!”

  “Holy shit! Are you kidding me? God bless Jack Masterson. Boston? What else did he say? Man, we have to get up there.”

  “Right now you’re not going anywhere. He said Michael lives and works up there.”

  But Jame was grabbing his phone and redialing. He got through to Jack right away.

  They had a long conversation of which I only heard one side- a lot of Jame saying, “No shit! Really? What?” and smiling like he won a championship. His enthusiasm was contagious.

  After he hung up, it was my turn to ask, “What did he say? Tell me right now!”

  “Come here, Cath. I want you right here.” I went to sit in the chair next to his bed but Jame grabbed my arm and pulled me down on the bed next to him. He grunted as he slid back making room for me. He leaned his forehead against mine and grinned.

  “We found our son, Cath. Our son. He’s so close!” We hugged and kissed. What a long journey we’ve been on together. Is something good finally going to come out of all that had happened?

  “Michael went to Boston College on a volleyball scholarship and played there for four years. Jack’s trying to get videos of his games so we can see him. He did an internship at one of the corporations in Boston and they hired him right out of college. He still works there.”

  Jame gave me another kiss. “Jack wants us to decide our next step. Since it was a closed adoption, by law we can’t just walk up to him and say hi, we’re your parents. Jack suggested that sending a certified letter from him to Michael’s work so he signs for it and we know he got it, saying that he has been contacted by Michael’s birth parents to locate him and ask for a meeting is the best choice.”

  “Well he has the experience here, not us, so maybe that’s the best idea. Do you agree?”

  “Yeah, even though my first inclination is to drive up to Boston and comb the streets looking for him.”

  “I know, honey, but right now concentrate on getting better and we’ll let Jack do his work.”

  Jame came home from the hospital a few days later, and with getting his strength back and follow-up doctor appointments, plus a few articles I had committed to, we got into a regular routine of living together and Jame’s recuperation. He pushed himself hard to get better because he had a goal now- to see his son.

  He put Michael at age 15 photo by his side of the bed so he would see it when he got up in the morning and when he went to sleep at night.

  “Man, do you think I could be a good dad, Cath?”

  “Well, since he’s 26 you missed all the mistake-making opportunities. But yeah, I know you’ll be a good dad. However, we haven’t heard back from Jack yet so we can’t get our hopes up.”

  “I know. I know. What’s taking so long? Grrrr, I HATE waiting!”

  We went back to Doctor Hadler a week later.

  “Jame and Cath, I will get right to the information. Jame, we got all of your melanoma with all its edges and we took more from the site, which is why your wound is so large. It will heal and we will take your drains out today. It looks good.”

  Jame and I looked at each other with a sigh of relief.

  “However, the biopsy showed the melanoma traveled to the sentinel lymph node so additional surgery and chemotherapy will be required for us to try to get it all.”

  Jame and I didn’t move. Did we just hear him right? There’s more? It’s worse than we thought? Jame’s not getting better right away?

  And then I saw the champion in my love. He sat himself straight up in the chair, looked directly at the doctor as he reached for my hand and said, “I’ll do whatever it takes to get better. I have to meet my son.”
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br />   Jack called us at the end of the week. Michael was suspicious about the certified letter and refused to sign for it. Jack kept sending it to him at work until by mistake another person signed for it. Michael must have read it then because he emailed Jack and told him he was not interested in meeting us and to stop bothering him.

  Chapter 32