Murder Breaks the Bank

by Maddie Cochere

  “She can take a lot of the paperwork off your hands, and you can teach her how to do background checks. She can handle the Buxley Bank and Trust job. It’s still a go.”

  My blood settled down to a simmer with the thought of less paperwork.

  Arnie continued, “She’s got some experience, so she can handle the missing pet cases, too.”

  My anger began to dissipate.

  “We’ll be mentoring her?”

  He shrugged. “I guess. We don’t have to take her to full-grown private investigator if you don’t want, but she can handle the tedious stuff and take the cases that make you roll your eyes in that weird way you do.”

  “I don’t roll my eyes weird.”

  “Have you looked in the mirror when you do it?”

  “If my eyes are rolled to the back of my head, how can I look in the mirror?”

  The twinkle in his eye let me know he was only teasing. “Give it a try and play nice for a few weeks. If she doesn’t work out, we can send her packing, and you can take back the paperwork and handle the missing pot belly pig case that came in first thing this morning.”

  I meant to make a disgusted sound in the back of my throat, but it came out more like a hissing cat sound. I marched out of his office and slammed the door again.

  Pepper jumped up from Nancy’s chair and threw her arms around my neck.

  “Thank you so much,” she gushed. “You knew I wanted Nancy’s job, and you made it happen. I’ll be the best receptionist you ever had. I promise.”

  My guilt meter registered in the red zone. I had nothing to do with Arnie hiring her, and it would have been awful if she had known how I felt when I first saw her behind Nancy’s desk.

  “I know you will, but we’ll have to be careful not to bring our Two Sisters and a Journalist business here to the office.”

  She brightened even more. “Arnie said if my work is caught up, I can use the resources here to work our cases. I’m even allowed to have our calls forwarded here. I just have to be sure to keep everything separate and give him an accounting each week.”

  Had Arnie gone soft? Or was he thinking once he had Pepper too busy for Two Sisters and a Journalist, she would want to close the competing business. I couldn’t help feeling that was his ultimate goal, and the thought wasn’t distressing. It would be my pleasure to throw the movie poster business cards in the trash.

  The telephone rang. I left her to answer it. It felt good to walk into my office without rushing to grab the phone.

  Pepper had placed three messages on my desk. Two were from a pink message pad. The third was from a blue pad.

  The first pink message was a confirmation the resumes from Buxley Bank and Trust would be delivered today at one o’clock. I felt relief I wouldn’t be buried in the paperwork and would be able to start training Pepper right away.

  The second pink message was from a woman who lived in Columbus. Her husband would be in Patterson for two weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. She suspected he was cheating on her and wanted him followed. Pepper had placed three exclamation points after the request. I set the note next to my telephone. I’d call her for details later this afternoon.

  The blue message was from Gladys Buttons, the Brussels sprouts thief. She had called to thank me for helping her mend her relationship with her neighbor. She and Wally were going on a date this week, and if I hadn’t helped her up from her fall, none of this would have happened. I suspected she and Pepper talked for a while as Pepper had several doodles along the edge of the paper with most of them being smiley faces and hearts.

  It was obvious the pink messages were for Barnaski and Wheeler Investigations, and the blue messages were for Two Sisters and a Journalist. So far, so good. Maybe this would work out.

  I loved Pepper, and I knew having this job would help her family financially. Pepper’s income was put into a college fund for Kelly and Keith. I didn’t want to begrudge her that. It had to be old jealousies and animosities from when we were younger that made me react so viscerally to her being in my workplace. I had always felt Mama gave her more encouragement and more opportunities to succeed in life, and after working so hard to become a private investigator, it rankled me Pepper could waltz in now and ride my coattails to success.

  I was aware of how uncharitable and childish my thoughts were. I wasn’t a teenager, nor was I just starting out in life. I was a happily married woman with a great job and everything going my way. There wasn’t any reason to be so petty. I promised myself I’d do my best to help Pepper succeed. We wouldn’t have to send her packing.

  I settled behind my desk and began preparing notes for her. We were going to be busy this afternoon when the work from BB&T rolled in.

  ~ ~ ~

  “Wow. You look really beautiful,” Glenn said, slipping his arms around my waist from behind and peering at me in the mirror.

  “You look pretty great yourself,” I said.

  We did make a good-looking couple. Glenn was always attractive no matter what he was wearing, but my physical beauty stayed well hidden until I curled my hair and worked some magic with makeup. Tonight’s effort had turned out especially well. My hair was full with the curl at the end falling past my shoulders in a sexy manner. My hair would give Jackie’s a run for the money tonight.

  The Broken Nine Iron was an upscale bar, so I chose to wear a new dress I had purchased for the holidays. I rarely wore dresses, but this one was sophisticated and sexy with a scoop neckline, long sleeves, and just topped my knees. The slight drop waist was flattering, and I appeared to have a more curvaceous figure than a somewhat overweight one. The overall red and black abstract pattern gave a bold, fiery illusion.

  Glenn was smashing in black dress jeans and a burgundy sweater. He slipped a simple black blazer on over the sweater.

  “Are you nervous about tonight?” he asked.

  “Me? Why would I be nervous? It’s Mama who’s going to make a fool of herself.”

  “You’re not worried about any jokes she might tell about you, Pepper, and Hank?”

  “Nope. Pepper said she’s been working on a bacon routine all week, so I think we’ll be safe.”

  I had marveled at Pepper’s ambition and stamina all week. She had dived into the paperwork for the BB&T job, and had already made a huge dent in the work. She was efficient, and even delightful, when taking phone calls. She ran to the flea market to help Mama on her lunch hour every day but was always back on time to dive right back into work. The past two days, she had been working on our filing system, insisting there was a more efficient way to keep our records and client notes.

  For as upset as I had been when I first saw her, I was now just as happy she was doing such a bang-up job for Arnie and me. Arnie was smiling more and happier than I had seen him in the office for a long time.

  No more calls for Two Sisters and a Journalist had come in this week. Was this the end of the fearless trio?

  “I have a surprise for you,” Glenn said, grasping my hand. “It’s downstairs.”

  I followed him into the kitchen where a dozen containers filled with holiday cookies were stacked on the counter. There were three new containers on the table.

  “I can’t eat another cookie,” I said. “I haven’t had any real food in two days, because I can’t stop snacking on your cookies.”

  With Thanksgiving coming up next Thursday, Glenn had been busy baking and churning out cookies like a machine. The chest freezer in the garage was going to be full of his baked goods soon.

  “Cookies aren’t the surprise,” he said. “But you really should try the new ones I made this afternoon. They’re fruitcake cookies.”

  I screwed up my face. “Why would you make those? They sound disgusting. No one likes fruitcake.”

  “Au contraire. I beg to differ. These will change your mind about fruitcake forever.”

  “Mama is a great cook and baker, and even she can’t pull off fruitcake. She had a houseful of guests one Christmas Eve, and Hank used
her fruitcake as a doorstop.” I paused, recalling the memory. “Guests thought it was funny, but I think Hank got a rare spanking that night.”

  “You try my fruitcake cookies later, and I guarantee you’ll change your mind.”

  I looked around. “So what’s the surprise?”

  He opened the junk drawer, pulled out a folded piece of paper, and handed it to me. I opened it and saw it was a deed. A deed to his house with his name and my name on it.

  Tears came to my eyes. “Are you sure?”

  He gathered me into his arms. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. We’re going to grow old together here, Jo, just like my grandmother and grandfather did. We’ll make memories here, and maybe we should talk soon about making children here, too.”

  I hadn’t expected to be so emotional about this. It was just a name on a piece of paper. But I knew it was more than that. For me, it was seeing he wanted and trusted me completely. I had such low self-esteem at times, and my name on his deed helped me to accept that I was good enough for this wonderful man.

  And children? Did he say children? As in more than one? I’d save that topic for another day.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  “Ah, you’re very welcome, my love. What say we get this show on the road? We don’t want to miss any of your mother’s act.”

  We left the house with my heart nearly bursting with love for my husband. The feeling transferred to my family, and I couldn’t wait to see what Mama had in store for her audience. I even felt like I wanted to eat a fruitcake cookie when we returned home later.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Red and white twinkle lights throughout the room decorated The Broken Nine Iron for the holidays. The lights gave the room a festive atmosphere.

  Several round tables had been moved to the middle of the room in front of a small stage. A veritable who’s who of people who knew and loved Mama were seated at the tables. I squealed with delight when I saw Hank and Nancy. I threw my arms around Hank and attempted to hug the life out of him.

  “Whoa,” he said. “Since when did you become a hugger?”

  “Since I missed you so much,” I said, releasing him and turning my hugginess onto Nancy. “I thought you weren’t coming until tomorrow.”

  “And miss Mama’s comedy debut? No way,” she said. “I hope you don’t mind we’re crashing in on you a day early.”

  “Not at all,” I said. “We’ll stay up all night catching up and eating fruitcake cookies.”

  Keith popped up from behind Nancy and said, “Fruitcake cookies? Who would do such a thing to a cookie?” He put his hands around his throat and pretended to gag.

  Pepper whapped him on the back of the head. “Your Uncle Glenn is a wonderful baker, and if he says fruitcake cookies are good, then they are. Go sit down and behave.”

  Kelly caught my eye and waved her hand. “Over here Aunt Jo.”

  I assumed the two empty seats next to her were for Glenn and me. We made our way around two of the tables, saying hello to Mama’s cronies as we went.

  Our table was the largest and seated eight. We were seated in the following order: Pepper, Kelly, me, Glenn, Buck, Keith, and Arnie. An empty seat remained between Arnie and Pepper. I couldn’t help smiling when I realized Keith had been placed between Buck and Arnie. He wouldn’t be able to get away with much tonight.

  I smiled at Arnie. “If this is a catastrophe, I’m blaming you.”

  “Estelle’s a pro,” he said. “She’ll be great.”

  A waitress appeared to take drink orders for our table. Considering this was open mic night, I was surprised there wasn’t any current entertainment on the stage.

  A few moments later, I was shocked by the woman who walked up to our table. She leaned down to give Arnie a kiss on his cheek before acknowledging everyone at the table. She looked at me last.

  “Jo, your mouth is hanging open a mile. Close it before you catch a fly.”

  Glenn stood from his chair and walked around the table to give her a trepidatious hug. “Aunt Addie. What a lovely surprise.”

  It was obvious he was still terrified of the woman.

  I couldn’t help blurting out the first thing that popped into my mind. “What are you doing here? Mama’s going to go crazy when she sees you. I’m not dressed for a brawl.”

  Addie laughed and sat down. “Feud’s over. Your mother was in Columbus in August. We had lunch and drank brandy. She’s the one who invited me tonight.”

  I was speechless. I honestly had nothing to say. Everyone else chatted up a storm and gushed over seeing Addison Chambers again.

  Jackie and Matt were the last to arrive. I chuckled when I saw Jackie sit next to Mama’s newest member of the Blue Hat Society, Burpy Rhodes. Before the night was over, Jackie might have some insight as to why the woman was nicknamed Burpy.

  A bit of scuffling on the stage drew our attention. A man placed a stool next to the microphone before tapping on the mic to check the volume.

  “Good evening folks. I’m Bob Troy, and I want to thank you for coming out tonight. The Broken Nine Iron is featuring a comedy act tonight, and I’ll get right to it. Coming all the way from Buxley, Ohio, please give a warm welcome for comedienne, Estelle Frasier.

  Mama’s friends and family were the loudest to applaud and cheer. Keith shoved two fingers in his mouth and let out a near deafening whistle. Buck and Arnie both whapped him in the back of the head. He only smiled.

  Mama walked out from behind a curtain. The crowd immediately laughed. She was wearing a nicely tailored pair of slacks, and Milly had done a splendid job with her hair and makeup, but the ugly Christmas sweater she was wearing had prompted the laughter. The front of the sweater proclaimed: All I want for Christmas is BACON. The back of the sweater had a three dimensional head of a reindeer protruding from it. I couldn’t help laughing myself.

  Without a hint of shyness or nervousness, Mama walked to the microphone and whipped it off the stand.

  “Good evening, ladies and germs.”

  The crowd sent up a collective groan.

  Mama looked innocent. “What? You thought I’d start some other way? This is my first time in front of a audience. I thought I’d start with a classic.”

  She paused and looked around the room. “How are you all doing tonight?”

  The crowd responded with good, great, and I heard one loud fantastic – it was from Keith.

  Without hesitation, Mama reached behind her back and whipped out a newspaper. I could only assume it had been tucked in her waistband under the reindeer.

  She held it up to display the front page. All eyes from friends and family turned toward me. It was as though everyone was holding their breath, waiting for my reaction. I attempted a smile. It felt crooked.

  “How many of you get the Buxley Beacon?” Mama asked. A few hands went up. “How many of you saw this front page story?”

  Most of the hands in the room went up and laughter resounded throughout. I couldn’t help myself. I groaned and put my hands over my eyes.

  “The delicate flower in this photo is my daughter.”

  More laughter.

  “Yep. She’s a private investigator. On the night this picture was taken, she was investigating the brick bandits. Unfortunately, she was on the receiving end of a brick that hit her in the head.” She paused for a moment. “Never mind that I was the one who threw the brick.”

  There was even more laughter. One woman at a side table, who may have had a little too much to drink, and who had been laughing loudest so far, howled at this revelation.

  In an abstract, distant way, Mama said, “Yeah, she’s a real good private dick.”

  She paced back and forth a few times before saying, “We’re in Patterson tonight, right? Are most of you from Patterson?”

  The majority of hands went up.

  “Maybe you heard about something that happened here a few years back.”

  My mouth hung open and my heart took a dive into my stom
ach. She wouldn’t! She couldn’t! Glenn grasped my hand under the table and gave it a squeeze.

  Mama was positively beaming. “You may have thought the story was a rumor, but I’m here to tell you it’s all true. That delicate flower of mine was investigating the death of an exotic dancer. She broke into the woman’s house and found the evidence. Good for her, right? Well, you know how when you sometimes eat fast food, and it tries to kill you, and you have to run to the loo, because you know you’re going to have volcano ass?”

  The woman at the side table was laughing so hard, she began choking. Mama pointed to her. “Get that woman a glass of water. You,” she yelled to the man beside her, “hold her upside down by her ankles. That should take care of the problem.” The woman’s choking came under control, but she couldn’t control her laughter. Tears streamed down her face.

  Mama muttered softly into the mic, “Maybe that ankle thing only works for babies.”

  I’d heard enough. I knew Mama might use Pepper, Hank, or me as fodder for her jokes, but so far, she was only humiliating me. And even though I found this story humorous, it was only funny with family. To tell it to a room full of strangers was more degrading than I could bear. I reached down and grabbed my bag.

  Glenn pulled my bag from my hand. “If you leave, you’ll only draw attention to yourself. It’ll be over soon, and I’ll walk out with you.”

  I clenched my lips tight. I wasn’t happy, but he was right. Standing up would only show everyone the butt of the joke was in the room.

  Mama continued. “That’s just what happened to my princess. Volcano ass. She didn’t have time to leave the dead dancer’s apartment, so she used her bathroom. I understand when the police raided the place and arrested her right there on the commode, the odor in the apartment was on par with the sulfur levels of Hades.”

  It seemed as if everyone in the place was out of control with laughter. I wanted to hate Mama for telling the story, but I couldn’t. I knew the entire Patterson Police force had talked about the incident for ages, and most people knew what happened that night. If it hadn’t happened to me, I would have thought the story hilarious, too.